Repairwork
Oct. 25th, 2006 06:34 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
toujours-sirius.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
hh_mirror((Like Cox's apology pony to Lily, backdated to a couple of days after Potions class and the strip-poker aftermath))
It had been a good few years since Sirius had spent the night in the Shrieking Shack. He had taken up a sort of sporadic residence there during the year he had been living in the Forbidden Forest and hunting Peter. Most of the time, he had slept in the Forest, but on some of the colder, wetter nights, he had taken up refuge in the Shrieking Shack, typically with Crookshanks's help. Contrary tofanon popular belief, on the other hand, Sirius hadn't spent nights in there with Remus before or after the full moon when they were teenagers. First of all, there was nothing romantic or sexual about that place, and second, although deranged slasher fangirls might think otherwise, Remus was not at all horny before or after his transformation. Nothing says sex like horrible pain due to the rearrangement of one's entire bone structure, right? WRONG.
But the Shack was nothing if not secluded, and as such, it was the perfect place for contemplation, solitude, and champion-scale liver pickling. In other words, after the mess that Potions class and strip poker had turned into, Sirius went there to think and drink - mostly the latter.
What the hell had happened with himself, Cox, and Lily? The only clear, resounding fact was that he had somehow managed to anger the both of them. Truth be told, he was pretty angry at himself as well. Whatever Cox and Lily had going was none of his business, and it shouldn't have been bothering him. He hated overprotectiveness and jealousy, and yet he had been feeling both in, well, spades from the moment Cox and Lily had kissed and made up, and for no good reason as far as he could tell.
Was it the James thing? Sirius wasn't really sure. Part of him still held onto the hope that one day he'd go into the Sorting Room and there would be James, his James. And when that happened, he knew how crushed James would be to find out Lily had moved on.
But he also knew that Lily had to move on, that she couldn't sit and wait around for something that might never happen. If she did that, months would turn into years, and years would turn into decades, and what if James never did come? Sirius didn't like thinking about that possibility, but he knew it was there.
If it was the James thing, however, it wasn't entirely the James thing. Something else had gone on there, something that had caused Sirius to feel this horrible, unstoppable wave of jealousy when he saw Lily and Cox being affectionate with each other. It was Sirius's job to console Lily and to make her happy. It was what he had promised James he would do, and it was what he wanted to do, because he loved and cared about Lily.
That still didn't explain the funny way he had felt when she had looked at him, but too much thinking made his head hurt, and he very quickly made short use of the Firewhisky bottle he had brought with him into the Shrieking Shack. After about three quarters of it had gone into his system and about half of that had come back out in a nice pile in the corner, everything was blurry and moving and he passed out on the bed, not aware enough to get under the covers.
He woke sometime in the late morning the next day with a wretched headache and a nasty taste in his mouth. The room smelled of drunk, and after using the loo, he crawled back into the bed, too hungover to attempt getting up for good. The sheets were dusty, but a quick spell cleared most of it off, and he slept again until evening, when he got up, Scourgified the mess he had made in the corner, and dragged himself back to the castle to clean up and get a bite to eat.
The next morning, after the alcohol had all passed through his system and he had got lots of rest, he felt his mind was clearer, and he sat down to write two owls, hoping to repair the bigger mess. He still wasn't sure what had gone on and why it had turned into such a wreck, but at this point the only thing he wanted was for it all to be smoothed over. He could deal with his own problems later, once he worked out what the hell they were in the first place.
Owl to Lily, heavily warded to play the Numa Numa song at ridiculously loud levels to any unintended readers:
Evans,
Are you okay? Still angry? Feeling groovy? Up for a round of poker?
JUST KIDDING.
Anyway, I just wanted to check on you and to apologise for whatever it that made you so angry. I promise I didn't stare at your melons. They're very nice, but I didn't stare.
- Sirius
Owl to Cox, heavily warded to play Daler Mehndi's 'Tunak Tunak Tun' at ridiculously loud levels to any unintended readers:
Perrilicious Perry,
Are we cool now?
- Sirius
It had been a good few years since Sirius had spent the night in the Shrieking Shack. He had taken up a sort of sporadic residence there during the year he had been living in the Forbidden Forest and hunting Peter. Most of the time, he had slept in the Forest, but on some of the colder, wetter nights, he had taken up refuge in the Shrieking Shack, typically with Crookshanks's help. Contrary to
But the Shack was nothing if not secluded, and as such, it was the perfect place for contemplation, solitude, and champion-scale liver pickling. In other words, after the mess that Potions class and strip poker had turned into, Sirius went there to think and drink - mostly the latter.
What the hell had happened with himself, Cox, and Lily? The only clear, resounding fact was that he had somehow managed to anger the both of them. Truth be told, he was pretty angry at himself as well. Whatever Cox and Lily had going was none of his business, and it shouldn't have been bothering him. He hated overprotectiveness and jealousy, and yet he had been feeling both in, well, spades from the moment Cox and Lily had kissed and made up, and for no good reason as far as he could tell.
Was it the James thing? Sirius wasn't really sure. Part of him still held onto the hope that one day he'd go into the Sorting Room and there would be James, his James. And when that happened, he knew how crushed James would be to find out Lily had moved on.
But he also knew that Lily had to move on, that she couldn't sit and wait around for something that might never happen. If she did that, months would turn into years, and years would turn into decades, and what if James never did come? Sirius didn't like thinking about that possibility, but he knew it was there.
If it was the James thing, however, it wasn't entirely the James thing. Something else had gone on there, something that had caused Sirius to feel this horrible, unstoppable wave of jealousy when he saw Lily and Cox being affectionate with each other. It was Sirius's job to console Lily and to make her happy. It was what he had promised James he would do, and it was what he wanted to do, because he loved and cared about Lily.
That still didn't explain the funny way he had felt when she had looked at him, but too much thinking made his head hurt, and he very quickly made short use of the Firewhisky bottle he had brought with him into the Shrieking Shack. After about three quarters of it had gone into his system and about half of that had come back out in a nice pile in the corner, everything was blurry and moving and he passed out on the bed, not aware enough to get under the covers.
He woke sometime in the late morning the next day with a wretched headache and a nasty taste in his mouth. The room smelled of drunk, and after using the loo, he crawled back into the bed, too hungover to attempt getting up for good. The sheets were dusty, but a quick spell cleared most of it off, and he slept again until evening, when he got up, Scourgified the mess he had made in the corner, and dragged himself back to the castle to clean up and get a bite to eat.
The next morning, after the alcohol had all passed through his system and he had got lots of rest, he felt his mind was clearer, and he sat down to write two owls, hoping to repair the bigger mess. He still wasn't sure what had gone on and why it had turned into such a wreck, but at this point the only thing he wanted was for it all to be smoothed over. He could deal with his own problems later, once he worked out what the hell they were in the first place.
Owl to Lily, heavily warded to play the Numa Numa song at ridiculously loud levels to any unintended readers:
Evans,
Are you okay? Still angry? Feeling groovy? Up for a round of poker?
JUST KIDDING.
Anyway, I just wanted to check on you and to apologise for whatever it that made you so angry. I promise I didn't stare at your melons. They're very nice, but I didn't stare.
- Sirius
Owl to Cox, heavily warded to play Daler Mehndi's 'Tunak Tunak Tun' at ridiculously loud levels to any unintended readers:
Are we cool now?
- Sirius
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Date: 2006-10-29 08:23 am (UTC)Purposely, he dug his hands further into her hair and then pulled them all the way out to the tips. "And why in Merlin's name would you want me to give you tips about sleeping around? You're not planning to do it anytime soon, are you?"
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Date: 2006-10-29 08:30 am (UTC)She laughed again, her own hand reaching up to tuck some of her hair back behind her ears. "I might be," she said, teasing. "Why? You volunteering?"
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Date: 2006-10-29 09:22 am (UTC)all up onsall over that in, like, third year."He went back to lightly raking his fingers through the length of her hair, watching the glitter as it fell off the ends. "Am I volunteering to have random casual sex with you?" Something squirmed inside Sirius's stomach, and he picked up the pace of his hair combing. He thought about mentioning that he had no desire to be beaten to within an inch of his life, and so therefore the answer was a strong, resounding NO, but then he realised it was best to stick with the joking. "I highly doubt you could stand up to the likes of me, and...oh, nooooo, I can see where this is going. You wanna play that game (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/943617.html?thread=46661121#t46661121) again, do you? I thought we had already been through this before. You won (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/943617.html?thread=46724865#t46724865<). It wasn't fair and square, what with that whole ear thing, but...you won. You can't possibly be seeking a rematch."
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Date: 2006-10-29 09:33 am (UTC)Her back arched slightly as she stretched out in the chair, arms extending and then falling back onto her stomach. Lily grinned, "Indeed, I did own your arse pretty thoroughly. No, not looking for a rematch. You just seemed surprised that I might have a good shag now and again." She laughed and wrinkled her nose at him. "Saying you think I'd be no good in bed, Black? Or expressing your surprise that anyone would sleep with me?"
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Date: 2006-10-29 10:23 am (UTC)Would she kiss him? It would be so easy to find out. All he'd have to do is lean forward and....
That was a train of thought that needed to come to a screeching halt. Stupid horny bullshit, that's what this was. And normally, Sirius didn't mind these sorts of fantasies, but NOT about Lily. She was the one person....
Quickly, he removed his hands and strode back to his chair. "Okay, Evans, you're done here. My gay moment is over - " actually, it had been an extremely straight moment, and one that was edging on dangerous and not cool " - and I've got to go back to being manly now."
Merlin, he wanted to see what would happen if he kept his hands in her hair, but that was exactly why he had to pull them out.
He threw himself back into his own chair, legs spread apart and splayed out. "So can I pick none of the above? I'm sure you're quite lovely and charming and wonderful and all that in bed."
Time for another subject change. "D'you know who's really good in bed? Madam Rosmerta."
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Date: 2006-10-29 10:39 am (UTC)"Ah," she teased, glancing up at him as she pulled her hair up into a messy ponytail, "so we're being manly now, is that it? Pity, I was going to return the favour. But, since we've determined that to be a girly activity..." sighing heavily, she winked at him and pulled herself up so she was facing him, legs curled under her.
"Thank you for the oh-so-sincere compliment," she laughed, "but since you're so very not qualified to speak on my bedroom skills - and since you've turned down my offer to find out," again, Lily laughed, eyes dancing playfully, "let's just leave my prowess at 'incredible' and speak no more on the subject."
And...wow. All right. That was not at all what they'd been talking about. Blinking a moment, Lily cocked her head in a little bit of confusion and gave Sirius a half-smile. "No, actually, I didn't know that. But, again, I bow to the voice of experience. Although, I will say that Marie O'Brien, from our year? Also none too shabby." Was this the game, then? Comparing bed partners? Because Lily had just laid out her only other experience beyond James and Cox - both of whom where off topic at the moment. And, for some reason, she really didn't want to picture Rosmerta and Sirius together. Probably because Rosmerta had been running the bar since before they'd been third years and that was just...odd.
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Date: 2006-10-29 08:13 pm (UTC)Maybe it had just been too long since Sirius had been with a female. Yes, maybe that was it. When he had first arrived at Hogwarts, he and Madam Rosmerta had had a "reunion" of sorts, but since then he had been mainly with men - Cooper, Remus (although, outside of some snogging, the only 'real stuff' they had done together was when they had both been women), Cox (Sirius had been a woman at the time), and...well, of course, Homsar, but Sirius still wasn't quite sure what he counted as, if anything.
There was also the stuff he had done with the other James, but that wasn't something he liked to think about, EVER.And before that, there had been Jim, and before that...Azkaban.One wonders if perhaps a Jenga visit with Modestly Hot Homsar (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Modestly_Hot_Homsar) might have sated Sirius's appetite for heterosexual sex. Ah, a question for the ages!Yeah, so maybe Sirius just needed a little time with the fairer sex.Well, either way, I'm sorry, James, he thought. Playing Het Chicken was one thing; actually wanting to kiss Lily was another, and it was inexcusable. Sirius would just have to cope. Of course, he could just go and seek out Madam Rosmerta again, but now he felt as if he'd be using her, and using people (or Homsars) was NOT something Sirius made a habit of doing.
Despite his growing irritation at himself, Sirius couldn't help but be amused by Lily's offer to return the favour. "You were going to play with my hair? Oh, Merlin, is it because it's still sort of long?" After he had returned to Hogwarts, he had made a pact with Remus (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/449200.html?thread=22371248#t22371248) that had ended in him cutting off a lot of the length he had acquired ever since he had gone to Azkaban (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/456705.html?thread=22518785#t22518785), but it was still quite shaggy and not at all the way it had been prior to his incarceration. (He had also shaved his face at the time, but since then he had grown kind of lax and shaved every several days or so, often leaving a ragged goatee for weeks at a time before giving himself a fresh shave.) He had never paid particular attention to his appearance, and that had become even more the case when he had had no one to look good for but the Dementors and the occasional Ministry official. And, of course, when you're feeling pretty fucking low, appearance is one of the last things you're concerned about. At this point, he wasn't trying to impress anyone, and it just wasn't worth the bother.
"Yeah, no offence, but I don't make a habit of bedding my best mates' wives. You're pretty much the last person I'd ever sleep with, Evans, so I suppose neither of us will ever know how utterly fantastic the other one is in bed." His comment was intended both as part of the banter with Lily and as a message to himself: Don't even think of it, Black.
"Oh, yeah, Rosie, she's just - " Sirius wanted to say something like 'a wildcat', but that sounded so disrespectful " - ...something else. And it's not just - wait, WHAT? But - Marie O'Brien, she's a girl, Lily...."
For some reason, it was completely normal for Sirius to have messed around with both genders (and Homsar!), but for Lily to have messed around with another girl? Totally bizarre.
And totally hot. Which really, truly had nothing to do with the fact that it was Lily, but rather that it was two girls...doing stuff together.
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Date: 2006-10-29 09:19 pm (UTC)"As sweet as that is," Lily frowned at Sirius, "I'd rather the reason behind our not shagging - and we most definitely are not shagging, ever - is not because you think of me as some sort of property." Leaning forward, arms resting on her knees, Lily fixed Sirius with a perturbed and slightly concerned look. "The reasons we will never sleep together are many, varied, and completely valid, but they should not include James. Is that how you see me? Just as 'James' wife'?" It was a disturbing thought - that the man she considered her best mate might only consider her an extension of his dead best friend. Is that why he had a problem with Cox, then? Was that the only reason he hung out with her at all? Because of James? A sick feeling settled in her stomach, and Lily leaned back again, eyes dropping from Sirius and wand unconsciously twirling through her fingers.
"Hmm?" she pulled herself out of the maudlin thoughts when he said her name, blinking as she attempted to find the train of conversation again. "Oh, yeah. Didn't you know about that?" A brief flicker of a smile, an attempt for a light tone, and Lily brushed all of the disturbing ideas that had just occurred to her into the back of her mind. "Merlin, Black, and here I thought you knew everything about me."
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Date: 2006-10-29 10:33 pm (UTC)Of course, the one person(?) who would never run his(?) fingers through Sirius's hair would be Homsar, chiefly because Homsar did not have hands, nor did he have arms. Of course, his lack of visible arms (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Lack_of_Visible_Arms) had never stopped him from doing anything, so perhaps it was just a matter of time before he started running Jenga blocks through Sirius's hair....He ran a hand through his hair, pulling at the ends, which dangled somewhere around his lower neck. "Eh, I dunno. It's no longer matted and hanging down to my elbows, and that's pretty much good enough for me. If anyone starts to complain, you can have at, I suppose - if I can trust you not to leave me with a headful of pink glitter while you're at it." He gave her a suspicious look, which turned to a look of surprise and then darkened as she started talking about James as the reason the two of them would never have their moment between the sheets.
"I do not think of you as property, and you are most definitely not just 'James's wife'," he protested. "However, best mates do not sleep with each other's wives. Period. End of story. It's a matter of loyalty and respect." Then he frowned. "Wait a moment, why are we even discussing this? It's a moot point. It doesn't matter why you and I will never do the horizontal hustle. The point is, it won't happen, and that's all there is to it."
The subject of lesbian sex was far more appealing, and so Sirius's expression once again shifted, this time to a curious stare. "Erm...no, I didn't know about that. Care to elaborate? With details? Of girl-on-girl action?"
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Date: 2006-10-29 11:10 pm (UTC)Sighing, Lily leaned forward again, her lips quirking up slightly. "First, Black, perhaps the reason you're still single is that you call it 'the horizontal hustle'? Just a thought. Second, you say you don't see me as property, but then you talk about me like I'm...James' shoe or his favourite Quidditch jersey. Yes, I was his wife. But I'm also a person - I'm not something you can stick on a shelf and keep pristine for him. I'm not an extension of him. I'm me. And yes, Black, it's impolite in most societies to sleep with your mate's significant other. But that's not the issue here. It's not about you and I shagging - which, yes, will never happen, can't emphasize that enough," she smiled a little at him. "It's about the fact that I'm not James' wife. I'm Lily. Do...do you see the difference?" Again that sick feeling, this time accompanied by a flash of frustration. How could he not understand why she'd not want him to think of her like that? It'd be like she kept referring to him as 'James' mate'. Her friendship with him may have started with James, but it had nothing to do with him now. She'd honestly thought it was the same on Sirius' end. Perhaps she'd been wrong; and that particular notion wasn't one she was thrilled about exploring.
Which, of course, made her less than willing to share details of school-time experimenting. Rolling her eyes at him, she flopped back in her chair. "We were in a dorm room together. Fill in the blanks yourself, Black. Shouldn't be too hard - don't blokes spend most of their time imagining this very scenario? If it helps, we were both in school uniforms."
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Date: 2006-10-30 08:37 am (UTC)His smile stiffened into a scowl at what Lily said next. "Yes, of course I see the difference. I know you're a person, and I certainly don't think of you as akin to an article of his clothing or a trophy, for Merlin's sake. What kind of a bloke do you take me for? You're the same pain-in-the-arse, foul-tempered, swotty firebrand you were back in school - only now I actually like you for all that, all right? But the reason I will not sleep with you is that you also happen to have been the person who married my best friend!" By the end of his rant, his voice had become rather loud.
And then he realised his gaffe. "It's one of many reasons," he quickly added. "Probably a million of them." Well, that was close...and weird. He tried to focus back on the part of the conversation that was more pleasing to him. "Now won't you please give me the sordid details of your little schoolgirl affair? You can't just throw a detail like school uniforms out there and expect me to use my imagination. Blokes look at porn for a reason, you know? If we wanted to imagine it all, we'd save our Sickles and fantasize all day. Not that we don't, you know, do that already, but it's about the details, Evans, the details!"
He banged his hand on the arm of the chair for emphasis. It was like he was Tantalus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tantalus) and Lily kept pushing the branches of the tree higher and commanding the water below him to recede, so that every time he went to grab fruit or take a drink, it was just beyond his reach.
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Date: 2006-10-30 09:06 am (UTC)Rolling her eyes, Lily replied, just as loudly, "Again, Black, I know you find your bollocks to be an endlessly fascinating topic of conversation, but this is actually not about the million reasons we're not, at this moment, in bed together. This is about you and I, how we are now." Gesturing with her wand to illustrate her point, she didn't notice that the tip was now glowing blue and, occasionally, shooting off tiny sparks. "You keep doing it! You keep referring to me as 'the person who married James' or 'James' wife'. I'm not that. Not anymore. You're putting me in a box that doesn't fit. Merlin, Sirius, would you even be here, with me, right now, if you didn't have some sense of duty to James? Are you just around me because you feel like you have to be?" Genuine hurt was in her eyes at the thought. "You aren't my best mate because you were James'. I love you, Sirius, not because James did. Yeah, it may have started like that. But James...he doesn't have anything to do with how I feel about you now. The fact that you were close with my husband, that's a wonderful thing. It's something I'm grateful for every day - that James had someone like you. But my friendship with you? Doesn't rely on the memory of yours and James'."
Crossing her arms, she glared at him. "Oh, for Merlin's sake. I'm not going to tell you about my experimentation during school. Unless you want to hear about all my experiences. In which case, I'll start with shagging against a wall - and, just to let you know, that wasn't with Marie or James." Yes, it was slightly cruel, but Lily was getting peeved at his insistence on ducking the subject to talk about shagging of all things. Besides, there was pretty much no way ever she was going to tell him all her dirty little secrets. Girl had to maintain some mystery - especially with a bloke who'd be willing to use said secrets against her.
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Date: 2006-11-06 06:54 am (UTC)He looked shocked, although most of it was in jest. "My bollocks are a reason we're not in bed at this moment? Now how do you calculate that? Is it bollocks in general that are the problem, or just mine?"
His expression then shifted to a look of real shock. "That's what you think? That I am here as part of a job shift? That that's all you are to me? Lily...." He sat up in his chair and looked her in the face. "You are James's wife. To me, you will always be James's wife. But that doesn't mean you aren't a whole lot of other things, too. I am here with you because I want to be, not because I have to, all right?"
He opened his mouth as if to say something more, but then hesitated. After a moment, he continued, "My friendship with you isn't about James. It started that way, yes. But...." He sighed and shook his head. "Look - auuuuugh, Lily, please...."
The hurt in her eyes was apparent. Closing his eyes for a moment, he sighed and then scooted his chair forward so it was closer to hers. Putting a hand on her arm and looking her in the face, he said, "I promise you that you're not just James's wife to me, okay? But you are James's wife. And...oh, bloody hell, Lily, look - " he lowered his voice into a low mumble " - Iloveyoutoo, okay?"
He sat back up and then looked away. It felt strange to say that, like this weird flash of something really tingly had just jolted up into his head, making him feel slightly dizzy and displaced for a moment. It must have been the unmanliness of the moment.
Thankfully (or perhaps not), what Lily said next jolted him out of it. His expression tightened into a deep scowl. She was referring to Cox, and Sirius wanted to hear none of that. Frankly, he didn't want to hear about what she did with James either, although he already knew about some of it (from James, of course!). But he really didn't want to hear about what she did with Cox. He just wanted the lesbian experiences, dammit!
After a silent, fuming moment, he finally said in a quiet, strained voice, "No, thank you. But perhaps you would like to hear about what Remus and I did in the showers. Or, if that's not your cup of tea, then I could tell you about a more recent experience I had in the backseat of a really fine luxury Muggle vehicle." He looked pointedly at her. Two could play this game.
Homsar, of course, was the trump card, and Sirius was willing to play it if necessary.
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Date: 2006-11-06 07:45 am (UTC)The teasing grin faded and Lily rolled her eyes in earnest, tipping her head back to thump it lightly against the back of the chair. "Just yours," she said shortly. "Because you, Sirius Black, are infuriating - which is not the aphrodisiac you might assume."
His words softened her, but not by much. "You're doing it again," she said quietly from between grit teeth. "For the love of pixies and their Irish roots, can you not see this? How would you like it if I went around referring to you as 'my late husband's best mate', eh? I fucking know who I was married to. You don't need to continually remind me. And when I look at you? You aren't standing in James' shadow. I thought I'd earned the same consideration from you." Closing her eyes briefly, she rubbed her face. "Do you think I need to be reminded? If I'm always going to be James' wife, what must you think of me dating another man, huh? Quite the hussy, I suppose." Her words were bitter and soft and she immediately regretted them. Dropping her head, she cut in before he could respond. "No. Don't. That was out of line. I'm sorry, Sirius." She raised her eyes back to him. "That last bit was, anyway. Not the rest of it. The rest I meant."
At his stunning display of manliness, though, her fierce expression melted completely. She moved to sit on the arm of his chair, leaning forward to kiss his cheek. "Now, was that so hard?"
Immediately, though, he brought up a subject she'd much rather not talk about. Eyes narrowing, her brief scowl matching his, she choked back the odd, sour feeling she got whenever he brought up sleeping with Cox. Taking a breath, she forced a laugh and playfully thwapped his shoulder. "Oi! No talking about shagging my boyfriend. I don't need to hear about how much better in bed you are."
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Date: 2006-11-08 05:48 am (UTC)There were many reasons that Sirius didn't see himself in any sort of committed relationship, and his free-loving ways, as Lily had put it, were actually quite minor. The fact was that Sirius's life had been broken in two when James and Lily died and he went to Azkaban. As much as he had ultimately managed to keep his mind and most of his sanity, he was still permanently changed. His existence during his incarceration was really a half-life in many ways. It wasn't the cursed sort of half-life that one is condemned to after using Avada Kedavra or after drinking unicorn blood, but it was still a partial sort of life that diminished each day as the visions and the gloom and the hopelessness slowly killed one's spirit.
And he knew now that his mind wasn't entirely right. He had believed things the other James had told him that were completely untrue, things he had never experienced, but somehow was convinced he had. Whether it was grief or relief or the toll of the Dementors that had done this to him, he couldn't say. But to Sirius, it came down to the fact that he simply couldn't bear the sort of responsibility that comes with a committed relationship. Childhood dreams of finding a pretty girl and being her husband and maybe even having children - they simply didn't make sense any more in the context of what had become of Sirius's life.
As Lily's grin faded, Sirius's grew. "You wouldn't want me not to be infuriating, because then I might be boring. Anyway, my bollocks themselves have never once infuriated anyone. They do have a use, you know. Not that you'll be experiencing any of it...as we've already established." The last bit was a taunt, and it was accompanied by the strange combination of a haughty look and a smirk...
...which tightened into a look that was a mix of frustrated and confused, and possibly a little bit hurt. "I am James's best mate. I don't want to forget that; I'm proud of it. And I know you don't want to forget that you were married to James, so I don't see why it matters so much to you." He sighed. "I promise you that you've very much your own person to me, all right?"
His eyes narrowed at her snappish comment about dating other men. He had got over
most ofhis hangups about Lily dating other people; there was no reason to dredge them up. And a hussy??? That was just ridiculous and unnecessary. It was the last thing he'd ever think of her.He had been on the verge of telling her just that when she apologised. Closing his mouth, he nodded in response.
His cheek burnt where she kissed it, and he lifted his arm and put it lightly around her waist. Poking her, he replied, "Yes, it was hard. Blokes don't say that sort of stuff."
And - ha! So she didn't like being bested at her own game. Okay, then. "Fine. Y'know...this could've all been so much easier had you gone and shared your lesbian schoolgirl experiences with me...."
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Date: 2006-11-08 09:20 pm (UTC)Her teasing look faded, though, into one of genuine confusion. Opening her mouth to ask him why it wouldn't work, she was then distracted by... More talk of his bollocks? Merlin's arse, why? "They infuriate me," she grumbled. "As they seem to be the one topic of conversation that comes up every time you're in the room."
Lily caught the hurt in Sirius' eyes. She sighed a little and slid down to sit beside him, wriggling her hips to make room. "Budge over," she murmured to him. Hooking one leg over his she rested her head against his shoulder, looking for a way to explain.
"Sirius, it's not that I want to forget James. You know that." Her head tilted back so she could catch his eyes. "And it's not that I think you should, either. It's just..." Again she sighed, the leg that was over Sirius' knee kicking idly as she thought. "I never identified myself as 'James' wife', even when that was true. I was just Lily. Being married to James was something about me, but it wasn't who I was. Like my red hair or my temper or the fact that I drink too much tea or that I'm a Witch - all parts of me, but not how I define myself." She ran her hand through her hair, brow furrowed slightly as her eyes searched his, trying to see if she was making sense to him.
"When you refer to me as James' wife, it makes me feel like that's all you see in me. Just your best mate's wife. Some bird you put up with because you have to. And..." she blew out a breath and laughed ruefully, shaking her head, "and that makes me feel like shite, because you're...you're my family, Sirius. You and Harry and Remus...you're all I've got left. Yes, you're James' mate. But when I look at you, I just see Sirius. I see all the things I love about you. The fact that you're James' best friend is one of those things, yes, but it's not the sum total. Do...do you see? I just want to be 'Lily' to you, Sirius. Yes, I was married to James, but that's not who I am."
Then she laughed and leaned back against him again. "Never going to happen, Black," she said briskly, lips quirking up. "Just keep imagining, because you'll never get the details."
Then, turning back to more pressing matters, she gave him a piercing look. "Now, why in Merlin's name would you think you settling down 'wouldn't happen'?"
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Date: 2006-11-12 08:06 am (UTC)"And hey, you were the one who brought up my bollocks in the first place, not me! Perhaps they've grown on you more than you realise, eh?" He gave Lily a stern look and raised an eyebrow at her. Then the edges of his eyes crinkled as his expression softened into a smile. Oh, how he loved to drive her crazy!
At first, he didn't move when Lily tried to settle down next to him in the chair. This conversation was frustrating him. The topic of James was something that made him feel all sorts of things, especially in this context. It would be easier if they were reminiscing about him, talking about what they loved and what they missed, telling funny stories and sharing favourite moments.
But Lily was insistent, and so, with a touch of dread, Sirius moved over and let her in. The moment felt all the more uncomfortable as she settled in next to and partly on top of him. Fleetingly, he thought that it would just be so much easier if he just kissed her. For one, it'd end the line of conversation, and secondly, well...it would feel really bloody good, because with her leg curled around his and the scent of her hair drifting up towards his nose, he really really wanted to.
Which was bad and wrong and an idea that needed to be stomped out immediately. Sirius cleared his throat and focused on what Lily was saying, his eyes staring at a point just beyond her head.
When she was done, he sighed softly, and he twisted so he could free his inside arm and put it lightly on Lily's shoulder. "I - ...it's not like that. I put up with you because I want to. Also perhaps because I'm a glutton for punishment." He briefly glanced at her and smiled before looking away and sighing again. "You are Lily to me. I knew you before you and James were together - granted, as Evans, the swotty, goody-two-shoes girl in my house who was a damn good witch, but not one who would enjoy the types of things I found fun. I don't know you only through James, although that is how I got to know you the most."
His eyes flickered for a moment, and then he shifted his gaze so he was finally looking directly at Lily, without looking away almost immediately. "Lily...you're a lot of things to me, okay? Right now, one of the most important ones is that you're one of only two people here who really knows me. You're one of only two people who knows about - you know, what happened with James, and you're the person who got me through it the most. You and Remus - I don't know what I'd do without you. You know who I was. You wanted to know what I've been through. And you know who I am now."
His stare grew even more fixed and more intense, his eyes looking unblinkingly into Lily's. "So, yes, you are a lot of things to me. But James's wife is one of them, because you were - are his wife. And that's the most important of the many, many, many reasons that I will not sleep with you, which is why I brought this up in the first place."
He hadn't noticed it up until this point, but the hand that had been on Lily's shoulder had drifted towards her neck and was lightly kneading the skin there. It stopped, however, when she asked him about the settling-down topic again.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake, why on earth do you want me to have a partner so badly? I've been alone for a long time. I'm used to it. Things changed - my priorities changed - when I went to Azkaban. I'm just glad to be alive and free, and I can't see myself all domestic and beholden to someone else. I wouldn't be able to handle it and - well, few people understand where my mind is, what's happened to my life. It's just too complicated. I do fine on my own." He gave Lily a piercing look of his own.
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Date: 2006-11-14 02:53 am (UTC)Snuggled down in the chair with him, Lily relaxed back into Sirius, shifting so her back was resting half against his chest and her head fit into the crook of his neck. This entire train of conversation was not exactly something that made her comfortable or happy; and, when she was upset, Lily knew she had a tendency to stop listening. So, putting aside her irritation, the rumble of his voice somehow soothing, she tried to focus on the meaning behind his words.
"I know you did. I knew you outside of James, as well. As the arrogant berk who was too good-looking and intelligent for his own sodding good." Lily smirked, "Or the sanity of those around him." However, the smirk softened as she reached up to playfully ruffle his hair. "Now look at us - would you have ever thought we'd be able to be in the same room without one of us wanting to hex the other inside of ten minutes? Much less be mates."
Realizing when she'd pushed as far as she could, Lily nodded, her eyes holding his. "All right, then," she said lightly. Her expression was serious, however, belying the levity of her tone. "So long as you realize you're sodding lucky to have me all on your own." Then, giving him a light kiss on the cheek, Lily settled back, regarding him.
"You know I feel the same way, yeah?" she asked after a moment. "You - well, you're probably the only person who really knows me, now. Perry," she grinned, a brief flicker across her face, "he tries. And I love him for that. But he...he hasn't been there the way you have, you know? Not only wasn't he there, he often doesn't even speak the same language. I'm all right with that, but it's nice to have someone who..." she laughed, eyes crinkling. "Well, who knows I'm completely nutters, knows the extent and the reason, and still is willing to spend time with me."
She almost corrected his present tense of 'James' wife'. Her mouth was open to do it, she'd leaned forward to make her case, when something crossed her eyes. With a stomach-dropping realization, Lily got it. Sirius thought James might come back. That was why he was weird around Cox, that was what was behind the insistence of her place as Mrs. Potter, and that was why he'd said she was instead of she had been. He thought that there was a chance that James might reappear in the Sorting Room.
...Which was a thought that both exhilarated her and made her feel ill. Not that she wouldn't love to see her husband again - the depth of her mourning for him, of what she would give for five more minutes with him, couldn't adequately be expressed. But with everything that had happened, with how much she'd been forced to move on and grow and change since that night...how would she even greet him? What would she say? Not to mention the fact that it wasn't going to happen. It simply wasn't. Lily was as sure of that as she was of anything. If there was any way, any chance that James could have come back, he would have. Instead there was the not-their-James.
((*facepalm* Well, no baseball
or snogging, but it is a two-poster.))no subject
Date: 2006-11-14 03:01 am (UTC)Which, actually, was the reason Lily was so sure that her James wouldn't just show up one day at Hogwarts. If the other James hadn't been there, she probably would have shared Sirius' hope. At the very least she would have walked into each sorting with a heart-pounding expectation (and, quite probably, would not have even considered dating anyone else). But the presence of a James who was so like theirs and yet not at all had convinced Lily where nothing else might have that her James - their James - was gone.
Swallowing hard, Lily's gaze faltered for just a second. The thought of Sirius waiting for James made her chest ache and her eyes sting with sudden tears. Quickly blinking those away, Lily leaned her head against his chest, her arms going around him tightly. Holding him close, she repeated, "All right, then." One small part of her wanted to tell Sirius that James was gone, he was dead, he wasn't coming back. That was the part that was screaming that they both needed to bury him, take whatever pieces of their life they had left, and try to keep living. But the larger part of her, the part that knew that Sirius' life since the night she and James had died had been a very real kind of hell that just seemed to keep pounding at Sirius, refused to extinguish even the smallest flicker of false hope he had. It wasn't hurting anyone for Sirius to believe that James - the real James - might come back. And even if it was, bollocks to them. If this helped Sirius, if this made it even the least bit easier on him, than she was going to let him keep that particular delusion.
When he spoke again, she glanced up just in time to catch his look. Lips curving up, she teasingly tapped her fingers against his forehead. "First of all, you silly man, you are not alone. And you'd best get used to that. You have me, Black, and you're not getting rid of me anytime soon. You have Harry and Remus, too. And friends galore. So you're nowhere near alone." Sitting back up, she shrugged. "And second, though I'm loathe to admit it," winking, Lily laughed, "you're quite a catch. Anyone - and I do mean anyone - would be sodding lucky to have you. Third - I'm not speaking of you being beholden to someone." She rolled her eyes at him. "Not that I think anyone could ever totally settle you down. And I'm not saying that you should run out and date the next person you see. I just..." She nudged his knee with her foot. "I want you to be happy, Sirius. You deserve that. I want you to have someone you can talk to and laugh with and someone who will realize just how sodding amazing you are. That's all. And you'll have that. Just don't write yourself off, all right?" She arched an eyebrow, giving him a no-nonsense look before grinning broadly. "Now that we've settled that, what do you think about going out and getting something to eat? I fancy a bit of a walk."