Christmas Trollery in the Compy Lab!

[theregothedrums.livejournal.com]

Oh, you humans. So much fuss over a basic feature of your own planet's orbit. A simple little solstice and everyone has a gaudy holiday full of enormous meals, family drama, and decorations everywhere.

Pssst: Spring will come even if you don't throw endless parties. And that won't be a gift from some magical sky fairy either.

I found a fun tradition, though. Somewhere in the school I've hidden a life-size caganer. It's got a few enchantments that might make it easier to find.

There might be a prize involved.

Comments

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

A response! Wonderful. . . apparently the Baron's desire for an immediate spot of entertainment was to be fulfilled.

Families are always tedious. That's mostly what they're for, aside from political maneuverings. Or less speakable things, if you were the Baron's pretty young nephew. A bit of tedium is good for a man, besides. Keeps you alert. How do expect to stay alert without a potential knife in the back? Complacency breeds bad habits.

If you have issue with parties involving badly cooked turkey and insipid little toys, wouldn't it be more constructive to hold your own, better party, and show them how it's done?

Now, if understand right- you have placed an unpleasantly scented object in the school hallways and organized an event about it, -without- obtaining the requisite permission. Shame, shame. I'm pretty sure that's against the rules. It's buried rather deep in the book, but, I'm sure I could find it somewhere. And this unpleasantly scented object won't even maim anyone? How dissappointing. You really are no fun, aren't you?

[theregothedrums.livejournal.com]

Knives? How deliciously primitive. Still, atavistic methods can be deeply satisfying. And the complacent are too dull to count as a real target.


You know that I claim to have done so. But you have no proof. I could easily be lying, and there could be nothing at all hidden.I've had a lot of experience with schools and their rules.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

Primitive but personal. The complacent are dull, this is true. But does this really matter? The target of many knives is not actually where they end up embedded, but, somewhere more subtle. The body it's lodged in is merely a lock which needed turning, and the knife a key. Or the garrote, or the lasgun, or the hunter-seeker's poison, or whatever's playing the knife at the time.

What's this about a lack of proof? Does it matter? It seems like a very trivial detail, one that's never gotten in my way. No one here's going to bother with an inquiry into the matter, that's easy enough to observe. And you've already posted a public admission to this foul-scented caga. . .whatever it is. I don't actually care what it is. I'm still disappointed about its lack of injurious potential. But, you do know that school administrators read these compy posts, yes?


After pressing send, the Baron dispatched his house-elf Mopsy to find out just what a caganer was, and if one was present in the school. He might not care, but, the Baron liked his information. Even boring information. Occasionally it had uses that were far from boring.

[theregothedrums.livejournal.com]

You make everything sound so serious. And yes, knives, guns, garrotes, poison... you really do go for the personal touch, don't you? It takes someone special to earn that kind of personal touch from me, when there are so many more efficient means. You must get involved very easily if you have a preference for such intimate methods.

If I were out to cause physical mayhem, I'd have put a lot more thought into it than some silly statue.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

I missed where I said that -I- was the one using said toys. Dirtying his own hands was only occasionally wise or worth the effort. That was what henchmen were for. Plausible deniability when faced with a Truthseer was a necessity of Vladimir's civilization. Sure, he liked his occasional bit of intimate death, but, the strangulation of a slave hardly even counted as being in the same category as murder or assassination. It was the Baron's right to do whatever he felt like with his property.

House elves being houselves, it didn't take too long for Mopsy to return with her report regarding the nature of caganers- the Baron was of course, unimpressed, but, the nature of this unknown student's bit of mischief did seem to have a certain sense of possibility about it. Psychology and probability seemed to indicate that a prank involving defecating statues was most likely to be perpetrated by a male, and likely a younger one, perhaps Feyd's age, but probably not over 25. There were of course many other possibilities, especially at Hogwarts, but, this likelihood did have a certain sense of promise. And, it had been awhile since he'd used his faculty position to sentence anyone to detention. Perhaps this unknown typist might be amusing to meet. . .potential detention began to swirl in his mind as he continued his typing.

I'd hope that would be the case- but know that defecating statues are hardly the pinnacle of entertainment. Mayhem would have been more amusing. Sizeable defecating statues are also an obstruction in the school hallways, now that I think about it. No permission to place this statue, no permission to organize an event, and potentially obstructing a hallway without permission. Seems to me that's multiple rule infractions. And it's not even an amusing statue! That -should- be another. Fecal humor is so childish- next time, try something more adult. Perhaps an ejaculating statue, or if you must include the feces, at least have the good sense to include a coprophiliac element. The scandal attached would be much richer. Although most people quickly outgrow being scandalized by shit, prudishness tends to be more difficult for them to recover from. Many never do. You'll offend a greater number of individuals, and as I suspect this is your aim, it's best to be efficient about it.

[theregothedrums.livejournal.com]

Oh, but if I care enough not to nuke the place from orbit or send in a wave of deadly cyborgs, I want to have some hands-on fun. There's just a limit to who I want to be that close to, and how I feel like expressing myself.

The funny part isn't that it's a crapping statue, it's that it's a crapping statue with hundreds of years of human tradition behind it. This planet really can be amusing. In the midst of what they find most holy, the humanizing element of one of the basest of functions.

I believe an ejactulating statue by a Japanese artist fetched a tidy sum recently. They have rather odd ideas there.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

Vladimir enjoyed another line off the tray, a few swallows of spice-laced wine, and spent a moment watching Shoggy 21.5 as it oozed out from behind the sofa and squelched across the floor to eventually ooze beneath the closed door to the apartments, off to do something or other with its amorphous brethren. In his current state, its shifting temporary organs were really quite mesmerizing.

He was pleased to glance back to the screen to find a reply. On the whole, the writer didn't seem entirely boring, possessing what appeared to be a healthy dose of destructiveness, so detention was beginning to seem like a worthwhile idea. The writer's choice of words suggested they were some variety of alien, but it was always possible it was a cute one. And if not, bantering with this individual was proving not so bad, even if the choice of prank was questionable. Detention was as easy to end as it was to begin, if he grew bored.

Some deadly cyborgs would have been more fun. I'm not sure how a crapping statue is amusing, precisely. Given the range of possible options, it's just rather common. Perhaps your species finds a humor in the mix of holy and humanizing that I'm missing. This planet can occasionally be amusing, but that element, not so much- being human myself, it's rather evident that shit has always had its place in religion. It's one of its essential substances- wouldn't be much good for controlling the masses without it.

Odd ideas? Those are everywhere. My own experiences with the Japanese have suggested that some of them also have excellent ideas. A quite attractive race, the Japanese.

So, you deny none of your infractions. And there's several of those- including that excess of restraint I mentioned. I feel quite sure that if I were to consult with the Hat, it would agree that restraint is never ideal when attempting to make a scene. But, even without that infraction, there's more than enough to warrant a detention. Did I mention that I happen to be a school administrator? Because I am. So, that's a detention. Will you be reporting to my office- that's Muggle Studies- or, will I have to send the house-elves to fetch you?

[theregothedrums.livejournal.com]

My species didn't especially go in for holiness or humanity. On the whole, neither have I. Nor restraint. I'm dabbling in a bit of Christmas festivity. I could easily have done something more colorful... on this planet, it would be mostly red... but I have someone else's sensitivities to consider, and as frustrating as he can be, it's worth foregoing the whirring metal, screams, pitfall traps, and electric floors for a bit of personal harmony.

Detention? Oh, that's funny.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

So you've made a couple sensible choices- holiness isn't worth much, nor is restraint, in most situations. Had the Baron had a more open minded view on the potential value of 'holiness', perhaps he'd have been destined to live longer on his return home, but, he'd just never thought much of religion. Of course, in his civilization, the majority of religion had basically amalgamated and morphed into the OC Church, which was not a terribly inspirational in that respect. The OC church didn't produce anything exciting, like Messiahs, so one just didn't account for them. It's too bad that you've not found a companion to share your amusements. I'm fortunate enough to have found someone who'd agree that screams and deathly machines are anything but disruptive of personal harmony. Shared tastes are so important.

I haven't noticed where detention is humorous, but, given your lack of response, it would sound as if you would prefer the house-elves to fetch you. There's more dignity in simply delivering yourself, but, perhaps you'll get lucky, and they won't be as obnoxious about it as usual. I suppose I could -tell- them this, but, it's funner to just let them go about it their own way. And I'm getting tired of typing. So, I shall see you soon.

Send was pressed, Mopsy was called over again, and given the obvious instructions- go get the typist, and, bring him to serve a detention. House-elves being house-elves, she jumped to the orders, while Vladimir enjoyed some more of his chemical treats.