Faking Bravery ((Closed, Kusuriyuri/Kurama))

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

Mello, Yukimura, even Bobby (without knowing all the details even, which stung) had told him to stop being a ditz and talk to Kusuriyuri. Talking to Kusuriyuri, as much as Kurama desperately loved him, was the absolute last thing he wanted to do. Not because he didn't think it would help, just...

Ugh. He'd think about it when he got there. Just concentrate on finding Kusuriyuri for now.>

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[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri was in the medicine hut, finishing preparations of some late season medicinal plants. Boukensha sat in his collar, supervising the process since these herbs were lightly and more pleasantly scented. Every so often, the kitten would put his paw on Kusuriyuri's cheek and the peddler would explain to the kitten-sized cat what he was doing.

It was during one of these moments that Kusuriyuri felt Kurama arrive. He finished his statement to the cat and then said, "It will be a moment more, Itoshii."

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

Oh, great. And here he'd been all gung-ho (not). Well, it would give him time to take a deep breath and calm down a little. He stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels, listening to the little noises of industry inside. It was calm here, and it smelled good, and as such, he was starting to calm down a little as well. Thank the gods for small favors.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri finished up and Boukensha, content that he'd seen what he wanted, hopped down and stalked back to the apartment. Kusuriyuri turned, aware that Kurama felt calmer now than when he'd arrived. "There is something Itoshii wished to discuss?" he asked, not offering to leave just yet. If this place helped calm his lover, they could talk here. It was just as comfortable physically and less wrought with memories than their apartment.

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," he ducked into the hut, taking a seat across from Kusuriyuri. He'd been trying to find an appropriate way to start, some way to say 'I've been letting myself go insane but I want to get better because I love you.'

"I..." well, why not start with the hardest part first. "I want to apologize, to begin. I haven't been speaking to you about things I should have done, and it's unfair to you, as well as remarkably foolish on my part."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"This one knows well that Itoshii is a fool, and that he tries to carry too much on his own when he should not," Kusuriyuri said, his voice laced with affection. "What is it that Itoshii has done?" He was fairly sure, though, given how long it was taking Kurama to heal, that it had something to do with that.

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

"I keep..." he pulled a face, the old, stubborn part of him growling about his reputation as a demon and a thief and a monster. It took a second to firmly shut it up. "I keep punishing myself, because I don't think I'm strong enough for you. I want to protect you, though you're more than capable of protecting yourself. And I hate myself for wanting to, because I've never wanted to care for someone this much before."

He shifted uncomfortably. It was one thing to say this in absolute privacy, mind to mind, another to say it out loud. "There's a constant argument in my head, where part says I love you, well and truly and right down to the bones. Another part says I'm only attaching myself to you because of your strength. And the other is convinced that I'm just trying to compensate for being part human by trying on their emotions for a while."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"Which is truth, Itoshii? Or all three truth and it is becoming more difficult to reconcile them as there is more that you want here now?" Kusuriyuri asked, his hands folded in his lap. "Or is it that there is nothing other to focus on so you become aware of this conflict?"

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

Dammit. Why did he have to be so logical about things? It made him stop and think though. Not argue with himself over which was true (or which what part of him wanted to be true.)

"I love you. Not because you're strong or cunning or extremely attractive - or rather, not just because of those things," the last part was added a little hastily, he was still a bit of a Kusuriyuri fanboy when all was said and done, "But because you're you. And there's still a part of me that needs to argue with emotion and attachment because it's something I rebelled against for so long. And when I don't have something else to obsess over, I go right back to that."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri's eyebrow flicked up. "So, then, Itoshii is still young?" he asked solemnly.

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

He grimaced. "Yeah. And stupid. Silver doesn't mean anything when you don't recognize who you are."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri reached out and touched Kurama's hand. "It is difficult, when one has not met themselves before, to recognize oneself," he said softly. "What matters is that you do not run from yourself because of childish fear."

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

He twisted his fingers around Kusuriyuri's, trying on a smile for size. "It's easier to run, and I've been running for such a long time. I'm losing momentum." And losing the will to run. The longer he did, the more likely he was to push Kusuriyuri away. And that, well. That he didn't want to think about.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"It is dangerous to run," Kusuriyuri said, his tone serious. "This one has seen what happens to those who do not stop running from themselves. It is better to lose momentum and face yourself, Itoshii."

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

Kurama nodded, and squeezed Kusuriyuri's hand. "I'm making the same mistakes I did before. But, where do I start? I tried... well, I thought Archery was supposed to help clear the mind, but I suck at it so bad I ended up pissing myself off more. Mello suggested tai chi, but that only goes so far."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri brought up his pendant, turning it so that the mirror faced Kurama. "You should begin with looking at yourself, Itoshii," he said, moving the mirror until Kurama could see in it easily.

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

Did the room just get colder? Kurama felt a chill freeze up his spine, but it would have been worse - much worse - to look away.

"Still just a kid," he murmured, staring at his reflection. It was him, a so much younger him, still red hair and the white Inari fox mask perched lopsidedly on his head. Red strings were clutched possessively in little hands. Those he understood; Kuwabara had explained the 'pinky string of fate' theory to him more than once.

He looked closer... the mask didn't seem right to him. It wasn't smiling, as most would, but looked more... fearful. Hateful. He remembered seeing masks strung up alongside the lower temple the day he'd been expelled; to his child mind they'd looked scornful, like they were laughing at him. But they were harmless, stupid little things; he just hated them because they were from Inari, of Inari, and no matter how much the god wanted to reconcile he'd pushed away. Because he was selfish, because he hadn't gotten the one thing he'd wanted he'd decided to take and take.

"A selfish little kid."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"And, what shall you do?" Kusuriyuri asked, his voice gentle but insistent.

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

Kurama's hands itched. He could almost feel those red cords against his skin. How many were there? Four? five? more that he couldn't see? How many people had he wanted but couldn't have, at the expense of the one he did love?

"Let go, for starters," he said, defiant of the reflection, the hands that clutched so possessively at the bright red threads. He only needed one. He only wanted one. The rest was all peripheral, all selfishness. He was still holding on to Kusuriyuri's hand, but that he could accept. That's what he wanted to hold on to.

"I think," he said after a moment, "I'm going to have to have a long talk with Inari."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri squeezed Kurama's hand. "It is important that you not continue to run when speaking with her. It will only hinder you and he will not appreciate it and her lack of appreciation tends to be...most inconvenient for you."

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

He shook his head. "She'll trip me if I try. Hell," he smiled wryly, "he's been sticking her leg out for the past two thousand years. I just kept getting back up." Stubbornness he could cop to, but combined with everything else it just brought him down more.

He made a mental calculation, glancing over his shoulder to see if the sun was visible. "It isn't much longer until sunset; he's always easier to get a hold of after dark." Part of it was atmosphere, he was sure, and that Inari loved the drama. He could pander to that easy. "Would you like to walk to the teahouse with me?"

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"This one is finished here," Kusuriyuri replied, standing, still holding onto Kurama's hand. "And, tea would be appreciated. Winter has come hard upon us."

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

"The disadvantages of this place are clearer in winter," he said, hunching his shoulders against the chill. "At least it isn't very much of a walk." The snow was something he doubted he'd ever get used to; in Tokyo it died quickly into slush and was pushed into sewers. Here, they just let it hang around as much as it wanted.

The teahouse was blessedly warm though, and Kurama had set up a kotatsu once he'd gotten the first whiff of snow, months ago. It would have been even nicer if Inari hadn't already been sitting at it, serenely drinking what smelled like Lapsang Souchong.

"Come in, you two," the God said, in a tone of voice more like a mother expecting her children back from school than... well, a God. "I made tea."

Kurama stared. "You made tea."

Inari beamed at him "Of course I did. Hello, Kusuriyuri."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri bowed, masking his surprise behind the manners of a lifetime. "This one is honoured to be within your presence," he said, still bowed. "It is not something this one expected to occur."

[serrulata.livejournal.com]

Inari waved a hand at them both. "Honor me by having a seat, and taking tea."

Kurama glanced at his lover, then to his God, and sighed inwardly. He should have guessed Inari would pull something like this. He took a seat across from the god, folding his legs under the blanket. "I suppose you've been listening in, then."

Inari smiled over the top of her cup. "Something like that. I'm surprised you didn't go to him earlier. And," he turned her gaze on Kusuriyuri, "I admire your restraint. Were our positions reversed I might have hit him over the head with something weeks ago."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri moved with Kurama, sitting next to him. "This one has learned through his occupation that is it usually best to wait until the one in need of enlightenment stumbles across the need on their own. To force them to it usually does more harm than good."