Application for Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

The woman appeared in the Sorting Room in mid-fall, just barely managing to tuck into a roll before hitting the ground. She quickly got up and brushed herself off. She wore a green tank top and tan shorts, and had her hair pulled back into a single braid. While she had piercing brown eyes, that wasn't the first thing that caught anyone's attention. The woman also had large, bouncing...

...guns strapped to her thighs. Lara Croft looked up at the ceiling where she'd fallen from. "That is certainly not the cliff I fell off of," she said to herself.

In fact, this certainly wasn't the tomb she'd been in, unless the Egyptians had gone for a sudden change in architecture. In fact, this looked more like the castles from her home country. Was this a wormhole? A time warp? Angry gods playing tricks? Any one of those could be the reason, and none of them would seem out of the ordinary.

There was a stack of paper on a table, with a quill ready to go. Some invisible hand had written down her previous statement. Lara read the application silently, then turned to explore the room. She tested the windows and doors, and probed the walls for secret doors. No luck.

"Another puzzle," she said, and watched the quill write. "Hopefully this one's not dangerous."

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Rushan. It's goat's milk cheese, from China. I prefer it with honey, which makes for an interesting contrast between the sweet and the tart." She smiled. "I like even my cheese to have a little bit of contradiction. Can't have life be too boring."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Is there a reason behind this, or is it just on general principle? Carrot Top made those awful commercials, which meant that I couldn't get away from him, even when not watching his dreck. It's not a reason to kill somebody, but given the choices, that's why I'd go for him first."

3. What time is it where you are?
"First I'll work on where I am, and then I can answer that," she said. "But for the record, it was 1:15 in the afternoon, where I was."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
A perfectly shaped eyebrow went up. "I'd like to know more about this Order of the Phoenix. Anything with 'Order' in the title is likely to be bad news. As for the harassment, there's always something that men in power, or men who think they're in power, want. Often, it's somebody to tell them exactly what to do. I don't have any problem at all with giving orders."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Black Body. It's an object that absorbs all electromagnetic radiation. I can guarantee that if you were bartending there, it would be quite dark."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"According to myth, Harry might be making a mistake choosing one over the other. Twins are often seen as two halves of a whole in mythology. The Greeks are quite fond of that, with Artemis and Apollo, and Castor and Pollux. Harry should try them both on for size. There's nothing wrong with two men at once, is there?"

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Lara lifted up a sheet of paper from under her application. "Wireless technology is the only way to run an organization. Might I suggest starting from here? I can type faster than this poor thing can write, and I would have been done by now."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
"I've got my weapons," she said. Lara crossed her arms under her chest, emphasizing her bust. "I'm quite skilled at using everything at my disposal."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Lara shrugged off her pack and started to unload. She pulled out three small med kits, two large ones, several flares, two uzis, a shotgun, a grenade launcher, a submachine gun, a rocket launcher, a taser, and half of a trinket she'd been carrying around in the bottom of the bag.

((For the record, rushan is made from cow's milk, not goat's milk. Apparently I can't read a wiki page.))

Comments

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"I'll take the rocket launcher!"

How a talking Hat intended to do this, what with its lack of visible arms, remained a mystery.

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

It did occur to Lara that maybe she shouldn't hand over heavy artillery to a piece of headgear. What was it going to use it for, though? Taking out an uppity top hat?

She handed it over. It wasn't like she couldn't find another one. "Would you like the safety lecture?"

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Let's not and say we did! Now, madam, are you going to raid Dumbledore's tomb? He's not in it anymore, but there may be some treasures!"

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

"Oh?" An exquisitely-rendered eyebrow went up. ""Why would I be interested in his treasures?"

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Isn't that, like, your thing?"

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

"Well, yes, but a girl's got to have some standards. Just because Dumbledore had an impressive tomb doesn't meant that he knew what to do with it. So many archaeologists have been eager to expose a new tomb, only to be disappointed when it doesn't fill their needs."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"It's not the size of the tomb, it's how you use it," the Hat cackled. "I wish you the best of luck in penetrating its depths!"

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

"I'll need to test and see if it's safe," she said. "You never know what you can come down with from a tomb that's been around for a while."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"If you come down with any tomb-transmitted diseases, go see Professor Snape in the Hospital Wing." The Hat giggled. That would make for an entertaining encounter. "In the meantime, let's get you settled in."