Application for Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

The woman appeared in the Sorting Room in mid-fall, just barely managing to tuck into a roll before hitting the ground. She quickly got up and brushed herself off. She wore a green tank top and tan shorts, and had her hair pulled back into a single braid. While she had piercing brown eyes, that wasn't the first thing that caught anyone's attention. The woman also had large, bouncing...

...guns strapped to her thighs. Lara Croft looked up at the ceiling where she'd fallen from. "That is certainly not the cliff I fell off of," she said to herself.

In fact, this certainly wasn't the tomb she'd been in, unless the Egyptians had gone for a sudden change in architecture. In fact, this looked more like the castles from her home country. Was this a wormhole? A time warp? Angry gods playing tricks? Any one of those could be the reason, and none of them would seem out of the ordinary.

There was a stack of paper on a table, with a quill ready to go. Some invisible hand had written down her previous statement. Lara read the application silently, then turned to explore the room. She tested the windows and doors, and probed the walls for secret doors. No luck.

"Another puzzle," she said, and watched the quill write. "Hopefully this one's not dangerous."

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Rushan. It's goat's milk cheese, from China. I prefer it with honey, which makes for an interesting contrast between the sweet and the tart." She smiled. "I like even my cheese to have a little bit of contradiction. Can't have life be too boring."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Is there a reason behind this, or is it just on general principle? Carrot Top made those awful commercials, which meant that I couldn't get away from him, even when not watching his dreck. It's not a reason to kill somebody, but given the choices, that's why I'd go for him first."

3. What time is it where you are?
"First I'll work on where I am, and then I can answer that," she said. "But for the record, it was 1:15 in the afternoon, where I was."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
A perfectly shaped eyebrow went up. "I'd like to know more about this Order of the Phoenix. Anything with 'Order' in the title is likely to be bad news. As for the harassment, there's always something that men in power, or men who think they're in power, want. Often, it's somebody to tell them exactly what to do. I don't have any problem at all with giving orders."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Black Body. It's an object that absorbs all electromagnetic radiation. I can guarantee that if you were bartending there, it would be quite dark."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"According to myth, Harry might be making a mistake choosing one over the other. Twins are often seen as two halves of a whole in mythology. The Greeks are quite fond of that, with Artemis and Apollo, and Castor and Pollux. Harry should try them both on for size. There's nothing wrong with two men at once, is there?"

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Lara lifted up a sheet of paper from under her application. "Wireless technology is the only way to run an organization. Might I suggest starting from here? I can type faster than this poor thing can write, and I would have been done by now."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
"I've got my weapons," she said. Lara crossed her arms under her chest, emphasizing her bust. "I'm quite skilled at using everything at my disposal."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Lara shrugged off her pack and started to unload. She pulled out three small med kits, two large ones, several flares, two uzis, a shotgun, a grenade launcher, a submachine gun, a rocket launcher, a taser, and half of a trinket she'd been carrying around in the bottom of the bag.

((For the record, rushan is made from cow's milk, not goat's milk. Apparently I can't read a wiki page.))

Comments

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"Goat cheese with honey?" It wasn't an idea A had heard before; his dishes tended towards 'basic home cooking' when he wasn't trying to please the palates of his Japanese friends. "I wouldn't have thought of that. I should try it sometime, it sounds unusual."

He pointed at the large med kits. "Can I have one of those?"

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

"It's good," she said. "It's served up on a stick like a popsicle. It's quite a treat if you're ever in the Yunnan province."

Lara put a hand on one of the med kits. "I'd like to know where I am, first," she said.

[i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com]

"I don't know if I will ever be there. But I will remember."

And most likely he would; A had an excellent, well-trained memory.

"It, you, you're at a school. For teaching magic. If you're here, then you can learn it."

[babylonjackal.livejournal.com]

"A black body, huh?" Akabane said, having walked in just at that question. "That does sound quite interesting." He looked her up and down, checking out her weaponry. Guns were fairly simple, straight forward weapons, even if she did have ones that promised to be quite interesting. He did prefer the more personal touch in his own work.

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

Lara was used to people looking at her guns. "It's quite interesting, if you're into theoretical physics," she said. "If I'm going to be bartending in the dark, I want to make sure it's high quality dark."

[omg-sunflora.livejournal.com]

"They're not dangerous, they're questions!"

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

A talking sunflower. Lara was used to oddness or the unexplainable, but she wasn't used to it looking, well, cute.

"I don't think the questions are going to hurt me," she said. "But being in a room I can't get out of? I find that quite dangerous."

[gourmetchairman.livejournal.com]

"Oh?" The cheese answer intrigued Kaga. "Goat cheese and honey? I shall have to try that."

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

"It's also served with chocolate sauce, or with jam," she said. "If your arteries are of little concern, you might try it fried."

[kidnappedweekly.livejournal.com]

"Oh, I would get confused if I was married to twins!"

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

Lara smiled mischievously. "Only if you need to know who you're with at any given moment. I'm sure all problems could be sorted out in the morning."

[sh1n1ng-arm0r.livejournal.com]

Armor-free for the time being, Tony Stark ambled into the Sorting Room and did a double-take at the sight of Lara Croft.

"WHOA. That is some heavy artillery you're packin' there, babe," he said, smirking.

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

"Oh, you know," she said with an answering smirk. She shrugged nonchalantly, tossing her braid over one shoulder. "A girl's got to be prepared when going for a walk."

[sugarcube-nazi.livejournal.com]

"Hurm..." Rorschach approached, hands in pockets, and surveyed the unloaded contents of the woman's bag. "Quite an arsenal. Unwise to reveal."

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

Never trust a man in a mask. "Unless there's more I'm not showing you," she said coldly.

[iam-beowulf.livejournal.com]

With the coming of spring, Beowulf had put away the hat, mittens, and scarf that he had received for Yule. This made him only marginally less laughable. He still looked pretty ridiculous, with his Gryffindor tie knotted about his brow, and his school robes hanging open over leather boxer-briefs.

The inexplicable hairlessness of his chest was a mystery never to be solved.

He stopped in his plodding tracks upon seeing Lara Croft in the Sorting Room. His jaw dropped.

"MOTHER OF DRAGONS." Half-prayer, half-curse, these words upon the Geat's lips. "WHERE BE THY GOLDEN SCALES?"

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

Hello there, tall, not so dark, and very loud. The "Mother of Dragons" bit didn't phase her at all, since she'd been called much, much worse before.

She wrote off the waxed chest as metrosexual and instead chose to focus on the briefs. And boy, what briefs they were.

"They're at home," she said, thinking of scales used for weighing. "Why, do you have something that needs to be measured?"

[nerdsexgoddess.livejournal.com]

Amaranth once more bounced into the sorting room, still naked except for her S.P.E.W. badge pinned at a strategic location.

She read over the application, a smile spreading slowly across her face which widened the more she read.

"I love that you're such a strong woman," she exclaimed. "And I love that you're so obviously a dominatrix and a weapons expert. You kind of remind me of my friend Steff in that respect." Amaranth's usual smile faded slightly as she said this, since she hadn't seen Steff in a while. "How did you come by all this stuff? I bet it makes for an interesting story!"

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

Lara did look surprised at Amaranth's unique sartorial taste, but if the nymph was that comfortable with her body, then you go girl.

"The guns? I picked them up in my travels," Lara said. "A girl's got to be prepared."

She took the time to actually read the badge. "What does S.P.E.W. stand for?" she asked. Unless it was a statement saying that it was actually okay to spew, a reaction that Amaranth probably got a lot.

[beets-r-god.livejournal.com]

"The Order of the Phoenix," Dwight said, staring suspiciously at Lara's actual face--though not before he'd taken a quick perusal of the rest of her body, "Fights heroically against the forces of darkness. What do you do?" His tone indicated that he doubted it was nearly so important.

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

"About the same, really," she said. Lara looked Dwight over, and the resulting impression was probably much less favorable. "I swear, all it takes is moving one ancient artifact out of place, and suddenly all the ancient forces of the damned are at your heels."

[forlornexultant.livejournal.com]

"Would it be healthy to frequent a tavern such as the one you describe?" the Chatelaine Thecla inquired.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"I'll take the rocket launcher!"

How a talking Hat intended to do this, what with its lack of visible arms, remained a mystery.

[eyes-uphere.livejournal.com]

It did occur to Lara that maybe she shouldn't hand over heavy artillery to a piece of headgear. What was it going to use it for, though? Taking out an uppity top hat?

She handed it over. It wasn't like she couldn't find another one. "Would you like the safety lecture?"

Ravenclaw!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Ravenclaw!