Complications and explainations ((Closed RP, Mello, Near))

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

It’s usually in my nature to get bored of those things I can have easily. I crave challenge, and yet, most things come to me easily. This is the source of most of my risk taking behaviors, if I were to actually tell anyone the truth behind them. But, no one really asks me why I did something, nor do they want the truth if they do ask. They prefer the cocky answer of “Because I could,” to “Because I was bored and needed something challenging.” It’s a safer answer for them.

And, I didn’t really know the answer until recently. The flippant answer was as far as I ever thought about it. Why should I examine myself deeper if no one else bothered to? It’s a waste of time. If I don’t really need to know the answer, why bother finding it? It’s not like I had that time to waste, either.

But, recently, the question of what I’d really like to do, who I really want to be, have come up. I have the time to be who and what I want. Who is that person, though? Who am I becoming? Who do I want to become?

I am learning things about myself here, some of them I like, some of them I’m not sure about. The thing that remains constant, though, is that I need him.

Not only does Near define who I was, he is a part of who I want to be. He is patient and willing to wait while I struggle with finding myself. He is the dynamic constant that allows me to explore, allows me to struggle within myself to find a balance that accommodates this place and myself. He is my touchstone, my reality check, my balance, my partner.

Which means I need to tell him about this stupid shit with old man Yagami. I’d rather not, though. I don’t want to deal with Yagami. But, the bastard has made me into his fucking therapist. He wants me to dominate him, fine I will. I’ll fucking tell him to stand naked in the snow, if that’s what it takes, but I don’t want to see it. I’d rather not ever be in the same room with him ever again. Maybe I should make him put on a wig and go find Beowulf just for the hell of it. How dare he impose on me and then go and guilt me by saying he ‘trusts’ me!

I need to talk to Near about it. I need to think of something. Maybe talking to Near will help me clarify what I can do. I know he’s not going to like it, though. To him, like old man Yagami, unfortunately, dominance is closely tied to sexuality. To me, they’re very different. With Near, I can see how this was my doing and now I have to try and untangle the two for him so that I can figure out what my options are.

This is not going to be a fun conversation. I tap on the door and let myself into our room. “Hey, Near. I need to talk to you.”

Comments

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I'm amused," he replies. "You seem so bewildered as to how you've painted yourself into this corner."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I make a face. "I know how I painted myself into this corner. I was myself and a bastard toward him. What I didn't anticipate was him latching onto me." I sigh. "I also needed to know you understood and from me, not from any other source. You're too important."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I'd worry if I heard it from someone else," Near points out. "It would mean you were keeping it from me. And that would be a bad sign."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I smile. "I know what not to keep from you," I say. "Come here?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Nodding, Near moves up beside Mello, wrapping an arm around his waist.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I wrap my arm around him and lean my cheek against his head. "I was worried I wouldn't explain this right." Worried being an understatement. I tighten my arm around him. "I know you don't really need to hear everything I do with Matt or Kurama because it's mostly inane, but shit like this is too important and too easy to misinterpret if you hear it from someone else."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"You're right," Near says bluntly. "I would have been concerned and angry if I'd heard it from somewhere else, because it would have meant it was something you needed to keep from me."

He laughs. "All I need to make sure of with Matt or Kurama is that you stay out of trouble."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"And you angry is something I'm afraid of," I murmur. I bend down to kiss his neck. "And, I'm quite adept at not getting caught, usually."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Not having a reason to be caught is a good way to start," Near retorts, brushing Mello's cheek with his fingertips. "But I suppose that's too much to ask."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I smile at him. "I can only change so much," I reply. "There are some things that just won't ever change." I let my hand slip under his shirt. "So, were you busy?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Not really," he says with a slight smile, leaning into the touch and sliding his hand into Mello's hair.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Good," I murmur, leaning in to kiss him. "Because I'd like to think of something much more pleasant for a while."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"More pleasant than Soichiro Yagami cringing at your feet?" Near teases, tracing the rim of Mello's ears with his fingertips.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I make a face at him. "Vastly more pleasant." I pull him into my lap. "Much more enticing," I say, wrapping my arms around him. "And, someone I'm much more willing to be in the same room with."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Mmmm." Near leans close, lips brushing Mello's throat. "That's somewhat reassuring. Do go on."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I shiver slightly at his kiss. "Someone who's opinion and good graces mean more than anyone else's. Someone who has been a vital part of my whole life." I squeeze him. "Someone very precious to me."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Someone who cherishes you for who you are," he adds. "Someone who knows you." He nestles into Mello's embrace.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Yes," I murmur, resting my cheek against his hair again. "That's who I want to think about." I bend a little and kiss his neck again. "Someone I love."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Someone who could do with a reminder of how yours he is," Near says, with a glaring lack of subtlety. Why should Yagamii get all of Mello's dominant side?

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I pull back enough to look at him. "Oh, really?" I say just before holding him tight enough that I can turn us on the bed so that he is under me. "Someone I should beat?" I ask. "Or should I just put him in his place?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"If you think a beating is needed." Near wriggles, testing Mello's hold. "A 'reminder' would be a good idea."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I smirk at him. "You are my little pain slut, aren't you?" I ask. I kiss him, pressing his head back into the bed. When I break the kiss, I watch him a moment. "Now, how should I tie you up?" I muse. "Face down on the bed? Ankles and wrists together?" I slid my hands down his arms and bring his wrists up together over his head so I can hold them in one hand. "Any requests?" I ask, my free hand caressing his throat.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near presses his throat up against Mello's hand with a delicious shiver, savoring that slip into being entirely under Mello's control.

"As... what you think I need," he gasps.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I smile at him. I press my thumb against his throat. "What I think you need?" I repeat. "And if I think I need to tie you spread eagle face down on the bed?" I ask him.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near quivers, relaxing into Mello's hold. "Then that's what you'll do," he gets out around the pressure on his throat. "I'm in your hands, completely in your hands."