Complications and explainations ((Closed RP, Mello, Near))

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

It’s usually in my nature to get bored of those things I can have easily. I crave challenge, and yet, most things come to me easily. This is the source of most of my risk taking behaviors, if I were to actually tell anyone the truth behind them. But, no one really asks me why I did something, nor do they want the truth if they do ask. They prefer the cocky answer of “Because I could,” to “Because I was bored and needed something challenging.” It’s a safer answer for them.

And, I didn’t really know the answer until recently. The flippant answer was as far as I ever thought about it. Why should I examine myself deeper if no one else bothered to? It’s a waste of time. If I don’t really need to know the answer, why bother finding it? It’s not like I had that time to waste, either.

But, recently, the question of what I’d really like to do, who I really want to be, have come up. I have the time to be who and what I want. Who is that person, though? Who am I becoming? Who do I want to become?

I am learning things about myself here, some of them I like, some of them I’m not sure about. The thing that remains constant, though, is that I need him.

Not only does Near define who I was, he is a part of who I want to be. He is patient and willing to wait while I struggle with finding myself. He is the dynamic constant that allows me to explore, allows me to struggle within myself to find a balance that accommodates this place and myself. He is my touchstone, my reality check, my balance, my partner.

Which means I need to tell him about this stupid shit with old man Yagami. I’d rather not, though. I don’t want to deal with Yagami. But, the bastard has made me into his fucking therapist. He wants me to dominate him, fine I will. I’ll fucking tell him to stand naked in the snow, if that’s what it takes, but I don’t want to see it. I’d rather not ever be in the same room with him ever again. Maybe I should make him put on a wig and go find Beowulf just for the hell of it. How dare he impose on me and then go and guilt me by saying he ‘trusts’ me!

I need to talk to Near about it. I need to think of something. Maybe talking to Near will help me clarify what I can do. I know he’s not going to like it, though. To him, like old man Yagami, unfortunately, dominance is closely tied to sexuality. To me, they’re very different. With Near, I can see how this was my doing and now I have to try and untangle the two for him so that I can figure out what my options are.

This is not going to be a fun conversation. I tap on the door and let myself into our room. “Hey, Near. I need to talk to you.”

Comments

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

The phrasing's a bit ominous. To most people, Near's face woul be blank as he looks up, but Mello knows him well enough to be able to read the slight wariness there.

"Is there something wrong?"

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I sit on the edge of the bed and bring one of my heels up on the rail. Wrapping my arms around it, I look at him. Okay, that wasn't the best phrasing in the world. But, I need to talk to him about this. "First, I need to understand what something means to you so I can explain myself correctly. Please, tell me what dominance means, not in the dictionary, but in your head and in your heart." It's a slightly odd request, that last part, for one of us, but I need to know.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It's about control," Near said slowly, the wording of the question giving him pause. "About needing control, caring enough to need control."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I smile at him a little. "Between us, that's what it is." And I really wish that was all there was to it. I chew the inside of my lip a moment. "However, there's a lot more to it. There are some people who, without a dominant figure, a boss, a bully, what have you, fall into self-abusive behaviors until someone comes by and kicks them while they're down. They'll then latch onto this person as a dominant personality to give them direction." God, I hate this part. "Old man Yagami's one of those and he's latched onto me."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near raised an eyebrow and tried not to burst out laughing. "Yagami? I can see him wanting to be punished."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"It's not my idea of a good time, either. But, it started when I hexed him so he couldn't drink anymore. I ran across him again and pointed out to him that he was self-abusive. He argued, I proved him wrong. Then, to get back at him for trying to assault me in November, I sent him flowers for Light's death. He kept writing back. I told him to go find a dom and I didn't want the job. He said he trusts me." I run my hand through my hair. "Fuck it, I really don't want to, but he's going to be like some kind of sick puppy coming around to get kicked."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"An interesting dilemma," Near mused. "If you truly want to hurt him, you just need to refuse to."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Which will keep him coming back around," I sigh. "I've seen people like him. Once they decide they trust you, you're 'it' for them." I sigh, letting my chin rest on my knee. "Hell, I could tell him to jump off the roof, back it up with something that has the barest of justifications, and he'd do it and then come back for more once he recovered." I look at the floor and then back at Near. "I don't want to be his fucking therapist, but unless I can foist him off on someone else, he's going to force me into that role. And part of it is he's so fucking easy to read and it's just too easy to tell him the truth about himself." So, yes, I admit that I'm part of the problem because I can't just shut up.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"And you enjoy winding him up," Near points out. Mello didn't have to say so. It was obvious. "You like seeing him squirm, making him squirm. It's payback for Light, in a small way."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"He makes it so easy," I say, though rather than defensive, it's an agreement. "But, at the same time, I'd rather not be the 'dominant' person in his life."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Then who?" Near spreads his hands. "Clearly, you're taking an interest. Is anyone else interested in giving him what he apparently needs?"

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I think a moment. "If he could get the idea of finding a dominant untangled with sexuality in his head. He's exceedingly insistent that he's not gay if I suggest anyone male and I don't know any females here strong enough for the role." I make a face. "Somehow, this fixation doesn't occur to him with me, though. Frankly, I'd rather not be in the same room with him at all, so I'm more than fine with that."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Domination by owl?" Near smiles at the idea. "I know you have presence, but it's something to boss around someone without even seeing them."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"You're not upset?" I ask, reaching out to him. This is more important now than answering his question or making fun of old man Yagami more.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I'm amused," he replies. "You seem so bewildered as to how you've painted yourself into this corner."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I make a face. "I know how I painted myself into this corner. I was myself and a bastard toward him. What I didn't anticipate was him latching onto me." I sigh. "I also needed to know you understood and from me, not from any other source. You're too important."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I'd worry if I heard it from someone else," Near points out. "It would mean you were keeping it from me. And that would be a bad sign."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I smile. "I know what not to keep from you," I say. "Come here?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Nodding, Near moves up beside Mello, wrapping an arm around his waist.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I wrap my arm around him and lean my cheek against his head. "I was worried I wouldn't explain this right." Worried being an understatement. I tighten my arm around him. "I know you don't really need to hear everything I do with Matt or Kurama because it's mostly inane, but shit like this is too important and too easy to misinterpret if you hear it from someone else."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"You're right," Near says bluntly. "I would have been concerned and angry if I'd heard it from somewhere else, because it would have meant it was something you needed to keep from me."

He laughs. "All I need to make sure of with Matt or Kurama is that you stay out of trouble."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"And you angry is something I'm afraid of," I murmur. I bend down to kiss his neck. "And, I'm quite adept at not getting caught, usually."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Not having a reason to be caught is a good way to start," Near retorts, brushing Mello's cheek with his fingertips. "But I suppose that's too much to ask."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I smile at him. "I can only change so much," I reply. "There are some things that just won't ever change." I let my hand slip under his shirt. "So, were you busy?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Not really," he says with a slight smile, leaning into the touch and sliding his hand into Mello's hair.