Unfortunate Truth

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

((Closed thread for now, Vanyel and Tylendel.))

Freshly sorted, and with a relieved sens of freedom, Tylendel left the sorting room hand in hand with Vanyel, casting his first glances around the castle proper.



"Gods, Vanyel," he breathed, taking it all in. "It's like nothing I've ever seen! This place is... it's like the magic in stories we heard as children!" He gazed at Vanyel, a childlike amazement in his eyes. "Imagine, ashke, we live here now! Together!"

He ran to the balcony to watch the moving staircases and the other students, noticing the ghosts and the paintings, everything mystified him.

"Where are the dormitories, could you take me there?"

Comments

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

"Are you sure you're ready, 'Lendel?" he asked softly. "Because it doesn't get any easier from here on out."

He held his lover close. "And thank you, for locking everything back down. I'm afraid my channels are still sensitive to magics like that."

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

He embraced Vanyel back. If it could only get worse, oh, great Goddess, what had he done?

"Tell me, ashke. You have to tell me," he begged. He could handle it, as long as Vanyel was there. He would have to.

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

"You, well, you weren't right, after Staven," he said, his voice breaking slightly. "We planned revenge, you from your bed, and I, I helped you get what you needed."

He took a couple of deep breaths. "It was in the books, the ones of Savil's that you couldn't touch," he said.

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

Oh.
Oh.
He remembered. That coolness came back, with memories, and anger, and... calm. But the wrong kind of calm.

"You helped me make a Gate," he said, leaning back and looking into Vanyel's eyes. "And I planned my revenge, you helped me."

Oh Goddess, I pulled you into it.
he reached for Vanyel's bandaged arms. He was the cause of those hurts, whatever they were under the gauze.
"You let me pull you in, and even Gala..." he stopped, then, his hands falling limply to his sides, the world spinning and slowing to a quiet dullness. Gala.
"Gala is gone," he said, repeating what Vanyel had said earlier. "Gala is gone to help... other people. Without me."
He looked down at his white uniform, and wanted to burn it.

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

He kissed Tylendel on the cheek. "I did it willingly, 'Lendel," he said. His arms were still wrapped around his lover, as he feared him pulling away.

"What else do you remember?" he asked softly.

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

He tilted into Vanyel's kiss, needing it. He had Vanyel, still, but so many holes, he had been left behind by so many.

"She was angry at me, Van. I know she loves me, but she couldn't forgive me for it. I wouldn't forgive me for it either, I won't. And they put me in Whites because they felt guilty but I don't deserve it, Van! She left me behind, I don't deserve it!" He gripped Vanyel's arms tight, trying to keep control, but the grief was building up and piling up and blowing in a thousand different directions.

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

"You, you weren't sane, 'Lendel," he said softly. Vanyel pulled him against his chest. "I love you, 'Lendel. And I'm not leaving," he said.

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Van..."
Van was here. Van would always be here. Even Gala had abandoned him, but Vanyel was here.
"I don't deserve you," he sobbed, resting himself in Vanyel's arms. "I've caused so much grief; I don't even know everything I've ruined. The ground came up so fast Van, it wasn't at all like flying..."

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

Vanyel's self control broke then, as he slipped into tears of his own. "You were moving too fast, 'Lendel. I couldn't stop you." He clung to his lover, like a drowning man struggling for air.

Vanyel knew he'd promised to explain the rest, but he wasn't sure he could. Tylendel felt so guilty already, how could he tell him that he'd tried to follow him?

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

"Tell me," he whispered, his voice raw. "Tell me this isn't what I think it is," he gripped Vanyel's bandages, staring him in the eyes, begging. "Not for me, Van, please, tell me you didn't."

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

He shook his head. "I can't," he said softly. "When they pulled the gate down, it all backlashed through me," he said, his voice emotionless. "Everything was ripped open, and raw."

He clung to Tylendel. "I could hear them thinking, thinking it was all my fault, and I couldn't bear it. Couldn't bear all that and to be without you, too." His voice was still empty, a harsh counterpoint to the tears slipping down his face quickly.

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

He stared into Vanyel's eyes, begging the gods that it was a joke, a lie, a mistake.
Of course, the gods didn't seem too interested in granting his wishes, lately.

But... they were here, weren't they? Broken, but put back together, whole once more, for what it mattered.

He whimpered something unintelligible and buried himself once more in Vanyel's arms.

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

He curled closer to Tylendel, letting out some of the tears he'd spent days trying to hold back.

"I don't even know if I'm dead or alive," he said softly. "I woke up here, in that room, bleeding."

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

He choked, and pulled Vanyel as close to him as he could get. His shields were melting, slowly, going in paper-thin increments.

"You can't leave me, Van. If you go, I'll die forever."

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

"I'm not leaving you," he said, sobbing. "But you can't leave me again, either."

His body was shaking slightly from the strain of all this. "What makes you think I could leave you? Why do you think even though I'm exhausted, I sat through your sorting with you?" Vanyel's voice was bordering on hysteric at this point

"I can't do this alone, Lendel."

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

"You don't have to be alone, Van! You don't know what alone is!" he nearly shouted. Van hurt, yes, but Tylendel had lost nearly everyone he held dear! Van hadn't loved before, hadn't known a Companion, a twin, the secret, sacred bonds that Tylendel had shared with Staven and Gala.

He could feel it through Van's shaky, thin wards, and - Goddess help him - the nasty and vicious part of him wanted to turn it against Van, make him see. Make him know he couldn't ever leave.

And around him, the shields were going like ice in the summer heat, melting away to nearly nothing.

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

"Don't," he said desperately, feeling the looming power around him as his head began pounding. He couldn't think, nearly couldn't see straight, from all the emotions he'd had to relive, and relive calmly.

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

"Don't? Don't what, Van?" He pushed at it, the last of the shields emptying away into nothing, quick and messy and leaving his power mostly spent, but he was still aware enough to push at Van. He gripped Vanyel's arms with a terrible force and stared into his eyes.

"You're all I have, Vanyel. You're all I'll ever have again. I've died to come here to you, but you're still alive. You cannot, cannot leave me!"

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

"Who said I wanted to?" he wailed. "Who was begging you never to leave, before you remembered at thing?" At that point, Vanyel started sobbing incoherently.

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

"You can choose, Van!" He sobbed back, pushing himself away and falling to the ground. "You can find someone else, you can go off with A or that stupid redhead or anyone but all I have is you! I have to make you understand!" He buried his face in his hands, choking on sobs and trying, begging himself to stop, to just let it all stop now, stop hurting Van, stop hurting himself.

"You can forget me," he mumbled into his hands, shaking. "You can forget me, and then what will I do? Van, please, don't. Don't ever forever..."

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

"No," he said. "I can't. How do you think I was there so fast earlier, 'Lendel? When you're gone, there's a gaping hole where you ought to be."

He slid himself to the floor, and took Tylendel into his arms. "What makes you think I want anyone else? I need you, I need your strength."

He started laughing, laughing wildly, in a way that wasn't in the least bit normal. "A? No, 'Lendel. And not Kurama, either. The only reason he was such an asshole earlier is that he got first hand experience of the damage that losing you did to me. He had to scrape me off the floor, more than once. But I never wanted him. I didn't even really want him touching me."

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

He sobbed, lost for words, clutching at Vanyel and holding tight.

"Just don't... don't ever." He quieted then, the hurt pooling around both of them like a miasma, and held on.

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

He slumped down, leaning on Tylendel for support, and started sobbing again. "I can't," he said. "I know how much it hurts, to be alone." At that point, he stopped speaking, just burying himself as much in Tylendel as he could manage.

[shaychlendel.livejournal.com]

"Forgive me," he said numbly, crowing cold as he grew exhausted. "I didn't mean it, Van, I'm sorry..."

[vanyel-peacock.livejournal.com]

He sniffed a little, and wiped his face with the back of his hand. "We're a pretty fine mess, aren't we 'Lendel?" he asked, with half a laugh in his voice.

"Of course I forgive you," he said. He realised they were both so exhausted they were likely to fall asleep. "Maybe we should crawl over to the bed?" he asked.