Application for Richard, "Looking For Group" (webcomic)

[forpony.livejournal.com]

((NOTE: Link in the Hufflepuff answer goes to a YouTube video. If you do not have the stomach for a LOT of cartoon violence and gore and cute fluffy things biting it in an unpleasant manner, do not click it. Also, if you do you will never be able to listen to "The Little Mermaid" soundtrack the same way ever again. You have been warned. Also, I think it goes without saying the video's not worksafe.

For those who read the comic, I'm taking Richard from between Issue #3 and #4 of Looking For Group so he hasn't had to deal with Certain Issues yet.))

A tremendous fireball crashes through the wall of the Sorting Room. It's less a fireball than an amorphous mass of all-consuming fire and green lightning, actually, and makes for a terrific explosion. When the smoke clears and the wall rebuilds itself, a black-clad warlock is standing there, his yellow eyes blinking at his unfamiliar surroundings.

"...I meant to do that."

He notices the Dictaquill then, and arcane fire magic surrounds one clawed hand - then he notices it's taking down what he says, and sees the application. After a moment, he dismisses the fire magic and reads over the questions. While he hasn't completely dismissed the notion of torching the quill, Richard has never passed up the opportunity to talk about himself.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Cheese? I don't eat cheese. Now if you had a fresh baby lying around..." He trails off, but the quill hovers expectantly. "I did drain the soul of a jester once. Tasted somewhat like goat cheese. Does that count?"

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Blue flames appear around both his hands. "Which one is more flammable?"

3. What time is it where you are?

"Well, it was time to decapitate. Or was it time to eviscerate?" He pretends to think about that one. "Really, it's always time for that."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Richard smirks, although you can't tell beneath the face mask, and raises a (hairless) eyebrow. "I've raised plenty of undead, but none with the urge to harass in that fashion." He ponders that idea. "Ooh. I should look into that."

"Are any of them particularly destructive?" he adds, apropos of nothing. "Dinner and a killing spree have always been my idea of a good time."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"The Bar Where Everyone Dies Horribly." He shrugs. "We would never get accused of false advertising." And it's a better name than the Sword of Truth.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"Marriage? Not my department. Although I know a few stories about demons kidnapping child brides and all that, but those sort of things never work." But he considers this anyway. "If he's too wishy-washy to choose - not that it matters, they're both going to die anyway. Eventually," he adds out of habit, before someone like Cale can yell at him. "He should have them fight to the death over it."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Paperwork? You need to clean it up. With fire. It's always worked for me."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"Useless?" He strikes a pose. "I am Richard, chief warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, Lord of the Thirteen Hells, Master of the Bones, Emperor of the Black, Lord of the Undead, and the mayor of a little village up the coast." We've done this speech before, obviously.

He ticks off a list on his fingers. "I've decimated a couple villages here and there, destroyed a troll army, took out a ship of the King's Legion, opened a portal through time to bring back some ancient city, and am currently working on taming sand dragons." He brushes a fleck of sand off his robes. "They'll come around eventually. In the meantime, they make very nice glass sculptures."

He suddenly remembers something. "...and I've been told I have an exceptional singing voice."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"I... won't lay waste to this castle?" Meh. Too boring. "Better yet, I can lay waste to whatever needs wasting. Or help redecorate." Pause. "With fire."

He fiddles through his knapsack, and pulls out some random coins and shiny things he squirreled out of the past when the rest of the party wasn't looking. "Random shiny Elven things?" he offers, holding up a child's necklace (the child was already dead when he grabbed it. No, really.).

Richard then pulls out an unusually decorated skull, which makes him chuckle. "No taste, I tell you."

Last but not least, he retrieves... a fork. "Behold! The Ex-Handfork of Truth!" He wiggles his restored fingers. "Not like I need it now, anyway."


"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____Richard_______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Only because I don't know about the no-kill rule yet _____Richard____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. What knickers? ___Richard________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. There won't be anything living to oppose it anyway when I'm done! ______Richard_______"

Comments

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

"The Ex-Handfork of Truth? What does it do? I know someone who really likes utensils," said Camilla with blithe unconcern for the random violence described in the application. Forks were more important.

[forpony.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear, she asked about the fork. At least it would distract him from violence. (And her lack of concern is probably a good thing; it's only fun when they're actually scared.)

"Not so much, now. It's an Ex-Handfork, you see," he said, as if that explained everything. "Very handy for when violent dwarf girls lop off your appendages."

"Really? No one appreciates utensils nowadays. It's all about swords and daggers. They don't get it - the victims expect the dagger. Nobody predicts being forked to death."

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

"What about a spoon?" Camilla was thinking of one of those drow (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1490743.html?thread=75305015#t75305015). "It's not as pointy though as a fork. A fork's probably better after all..."

Ohhh, Camilla had an idea suddenly.

"Wait just a minute, all right? I'll be right back," she said. Not that he could go anywhere, given the whole Sorting Room thing -- the remark was for courtesy's sake.

She returned with a most improbable object.

"We found this in the Room of Requirement when we were cleaning up after the wedding. I'm a little curious as to why anyone required it." She held it out to the applicant.

It was a jeweled spork.

"Multipurpose," she said. "It can poke or scoop or both."

[endless-del.livejournal.com]

Delirium occasionally drifted past the Sorting Room, just in case one of her siblings should decide to show up one day. This man-thing wasn't a sibling, but he did look rather interesting.

she asked. Several butterflies fluttered out to inspect him, followed by a bee or two.

[forpony.livejournal.com]

((Butterfly flambe okayed by Delirium-mun.))

Mmph. Butterflies.

"You get a hand lopped off, you stick a fork in its place," Richard replied. "Voila. Handfork!"

One of the butterflies got a little too close for his liking, and was promptly enveloped in a tiny ball of flame. Richard didn't even think about it. It was a reflex, at this rate.

[endless-del.livejournal.com]

Delirium didn't often get angry. She might be the personification of insanity, but it was ordinarily happy insanity, with only occasional bouts of melancholy. Anger was very rare indeed, and generally only triggered by a few very specific things.

Messing with the butterflies was one of them.

Her hair shifted into violent disarray, her mismatched eyes narrowing. The butterfly (which was really only slightly hurt) fluttered back and landed in her suddenly furious hair, out of which poured a veritable swarm of bees.

she said--quietly, but with a distinctly unstable vibratto that suggested batshit was definitely a possibility.

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

At first glance this doesn't look to be the type of application that Valentine would drop into. No interesting substances to be taken as bribes, for one. And he's dressed like a leper.

But, he approves of someone who takes such utter glee in talk of killing and destruction. Highly approves. Could possibly like, even.

He claps, grinning like a maniac (which he is, strictly speaking.) "Bravo, my dear warlock, bravo. I do so love to meet artists who take such pleasure in their work. Granted, I've always found more amusement in dispatching of people through the liberal use of weird technology than fire. It lasts longer."

[forpony.livejournal.com]

Richard bowsed to the applause, of course. He did't get it that often. "Thank you, thank you. Fire is, after all, one of the classics. And if that doesn't work, pulling their skeletons out is always entertaining. No one appreciates the shock value."

"Weird technology, hm? Do tell." Hey, he may fall back on the classics, but he was always open to new and exciting ways of separating someone's insides from their outsides.

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"Far be it from me to insult the classics. Fire, knives, swords, guns, explosives... all well and good. But decapitating an underling and putting their head in a jar where it can scream for all eternity? Oh, that's priceless. Ooh, and taking control of large angry robots with your mind as you destroy an entire planet. That one was fun as well."

[bantersucks.livejournal.com]

Jaime had the misfortune to happen to be in the Sorting Room when Richard burst in and the scarab shrieked.

"Dude, shut up, he's not -" Then he read the application. "You have got to be kidding me. ...okay, maybe he is."

[forpony.livejournal.com]

"I never kid," Richard retorted. "Fire is the most effective way of cleaning there is."

[bantersucks.livejournal.com]

"I'm talking about killing for fun. And... eating babies?" Jaime asked, revolted. "That's sick!"

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

Something in Richard's rattled-off list of titles caught Laura's attention.

"Scuse me. Um. Which undead are you Lord of, exactly?"

[forpony.livejournal.com]

"Usually the ones who I make undead," he informed her. "They're not exactly big on giving themselves titles anymore."

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

"Okaaay...make undead how exactly?" She tilted her head. "Vampire? Zombie? Plain old walking around not dead anymore?"

[ka-click.livejournal.com]

"That's a nice skull you got there, shark bait." The Bunny watches the newcomer with a glint in his eyes. This guy could be fun.

[forpony.livejournal.com]

((Aw, and right when I went to bed! Stupid time zones. XD Replies will be slow, I'm ninjaposting in training class.))

When it came to butterflies and cute fuzzy creatures, Richard's first impulse usually ran the gamut from incinerate to liquefy. It was a reflex at this point. So at the sight of the bunny, a ball of blue flame appeared over one hand.

But, for some strange reason, he hesitated. Maybe it was that familiar glint in the bunny's eyes, maybe it was sensing a kindred spirit, or maybe it was just because of the appreciation for decayed animal remains as headwear. The "shark bait" appellation was ignored; there was only one thing you could call Richard that would really annoy him.

So the blue flame was extinguished as quickly as it appeared in favor of addressing the comment. "It's a perfectly good bear skull. Would have made for an excellent hat, too. I have no idea why Cale didn't want one." His tone of voice said otherwise.

[ka-click.livejournal.com]

"I'll take it." The bunny yawns, and scratches at his ear. "So, what are you supposed to be, some kind of elf?"

[wolfram-jyari.livejournal.com]

Wolfram sniffed in disdain at the flames. "I could have done that." The list of titles that Richard spouted off also inspired Wolfram's competitive spirit, as he thought he might have as many as the demon (if he didn't start improvising. Could he count himself as father to the Maou's heir apparent? Son-in-Law to the Mother of the Maou?) The real challenge would be who could say his entire titles the fastest! But that was something that could come up later.

"Well, I never drained a jester's soul before... but I once inspired half a dozen to quit in a row when I was only 23. I think one moved out of Shin Makoku and became a priest. That's much tougher, as jesters are wily and rubbery." Wolfram pointed at Richard. "Tell me why I should allow you into Hufflepuff!"

[forpony.livejournal.com]

((AHAHAHAHAHAHA I shouldn't be tagging in training but dear GOD Wolfram I'll take my chances. Assuming that the house-elf can be thawed and survive, but Richard doesn't know this.))

Richard glanced up from his latest entertainment - these house elves looked nothing like regular elves, but they were just as flammable. Good to know. "Can you do this?" he said, and in a blink the nearest house elf was encased in a block of ice. "I can make people pull their own skeletons out too," he added helpfully as two more carried their comrade off.

"Well, you're young yet." He just raised an eyebrow at the rest of the tirade. "Rubbery? I suppose they do stretch a bit more than most before their bones pop."

"...because I can juggle?" Randomly, he was now juggling fireballs for the hell of it. "Assuming I'd even want in. From the name it sounds like someplace Cale would like." He hasn't heard of Sparklypoo yet or he'd reassign that distinction.

[jezzthespoon.livejournal.com]

Jezz finished reading and looked up from the application with an intrigued expression. "Elven things?"

Then he asked, "What properties does the fork have?" out of nothing but idle curiosity. He certainly wasn't intending to get into a utensil-comparing competition, oh no. Really.

[forpony.livejournal.com]

"Just some random trinkets grabbed from the city beneath a city before we made it disappear. Nothing cursed, unfortunately." Richard was still annoyed about that.

"It doubles as a replacement appendage, stabs, and irritates the other members of your party to no end. Also makes julienne fries. If you slash something with it hard and fast enough. And no one expects death by forking, really."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"So, into death and fire, are you?" the Hat asked amiably, settling upon Richard's head. "Which do you like better? Like, if you could choose just one, which would it be?"

[forpony.livejournal.com]

((gah off to play airport taxi back later))

"Death, of course," Richard says, completely unfazed by the talking hat. "Fire is only one means to that end."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

You are a killer of evil clowns, and for this, I welcome you wholeheartedly, with open straps ((for the Hat lacked visible arms (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Lack_of_Visible_Arms), didn't it?)), to our institution. I shall Sort you in the House with the other assassins, but know that you are exalted above them all.

May your slayings of evil clowns be many! We are depending on you!

In other words...

Your bribe has been accepted.

Welcome to Hufflepuff!