Application: Petulia Gristle, Discworld

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

(With permission of Tiffany- and Nac Mac Feegle-muns)

A girl in her mid-teens looked around, more than a little surprised to find herself suddenly in the sorting room. She walked over to the table and picked up an application, trying to shake loose as little mud from her boots and the hem of her faded black dress as possible. Somehow, she didn’t think that whoever’s castle this was would appreciate her tracking pig gunk all over the place.

She read over the application slowly, a slight frown on her face, and then reached for the Dictaquill. The quill, of course, danced away from her grip. After trying to grab for it a few more times, she finally discovered how it worked and let it fill out the application for her – and then went back and carefully crossed out all the “ums.”

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Um, I rather like Lancre Blue, but that might just be what I’m used to. Tiffany’s soft nellies are good, too.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I wouldn’t, um, kill either. Unless I really had to, but I’ve never heard of either of them, so I don’t think I have to. Do I?

3. What time is it where you are?
I don’t know. Um, I don’t have a clock or anything. It was the middle of the afternoon, last time I checked. I, um, hope everything’s alright back there. I seem to have left in a bit of a hurry.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Um… What? People don’t return from the dead. Except for, um, vampires or zombies or something. But they shouldn’t be sexually harassing people, anyway.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The, um, Pig Trick.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
I’m afraid I don’t know much about most mythologies. Or any of those people. If I could, um, talk to Harry and Fred and George, I might be able to help.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Um, maybe you should ask someone for help, if you have more to do than you can get done.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
I’m quite good with animals. Pigs especially. I won the Witch Trials in Lancre a few years ago with the Pig Trick. (Well, um, not won, exactly. Mistress Weatherwax always wins. But I got a good solid second place.)

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Um, I have some jewelry. Not as much as I used to wear, but still a few necklaces and bracelets. Silver, mostly. With lots of moons and bats and owls and things.

I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ___P.G.____
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ___P.G.____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____P.G.____
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____P.G._____

Comments

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"It's, um, a kind of goat cheese," Petulia said. "My friend Tiffany makes it really well." She wasn't even going to ask what kinky meant, which was probably a good thing.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Ohhhh."

The Hat sounded disappointed.

"Do you ever make cheese out of pig milk?"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, no, I haven't," Petulia replied thoughtfully. "I'm not really much good with cheeses. Just with pigs."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

The Hat let out a sort of disappointed whoosh, a sound of deflation, accompanied by a visible drooping of its tip. It was silent for a moment. Then the tip quirked up again hopefully.

"Well, would you be willing to experiment with pig milk cheesemaking?"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um," Petulia began, hesitating even more than usual. On one hand, she seriously doubted that anything edible would come of such an attempt. On the other hand, she was Petulia, and as such had a hard time refusing to at least try something without a very good reason. "Yes, I could try. If I had pig milk to do it with, I could, um, try."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"That can be arranged! Would it be best if you milked the pigs yourself, or should we try to locate a pig-milk wholesaler?" The Hat sounded entirely too excited about this prospect. It also didn't seem to realize there wasn't widespread demand among humans for pig milk.

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, I think I'd probably better milk the pigs myself," Petulia said, wondering where the Hat was going to find a lactating pig. Probably best not to ask.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Very well, then! I'm sure I know just the place for you!"

Prepare to be Sorted!