Application: Petulia Gristle, Discworld

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

(With permission of Tiffany- and Nac Mac Feegle-muns)

A girl in her mid-teens looked around, more than a little surprised to find herself suddenly in the sorting room. She walked over to the table and picked up an application, trying to shake loose as little mud from her boots and the hem of her faded black dress as possible. Somehow, she didn’t think that whoever’s castle this was would appreciate her tracking pig gunk all over the place.

She read over the application slowly, a slight frown on her face, and then reached for the Dictaquill. The quill, of course, danced away from her grip. After trying to grab for it a few more times, she finally discovered how it worked and let it fill out the application for her – and then went back and carefully crossed out all the “ums.”

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Um, I rather like Lancre Blue, but that might just be what I’m used to. Tiffany’s soft nellies are good, too.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I wouldn’t, um, kill either. Unless I really had to, but I’ve never heard of either of them, so I don’t think I have to. Do I?

3. What time is it where you are?
I don’t know. Um, I don’t have a clock or anything. It was the middle of the afternoon, last time I checked. I, um, hope everything’s alright back there. I seem to have left in a bit of a hurry.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Um… What? People don’t return from the dead. Except for, um, vampires or zombies or something. But they shouldn’t be sexually harassing people, anyway.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The, um, Pig Trick.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
I’m afraid I don’t know much about most mythologies. Or any of those people. If I could, um, talk to Harry and Fred and George, I might be able to help.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Um, maybe you should ask someone for help, if you have more to do than you can get done.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
I’m quite good with animals. Pigs especially. I won the Witch Trials in Lancre a few years ago with the Pig Trick. (Well, um, not won, exactly. Mistress Weatherwax always wins. But I got a good solid second place.)

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Um, I have some jewelry. Not as much as I used to wear, but still a few necklaces and bracelets. Silver, mostly. With lots of moons and bats and owls and things.

I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ___P.G.____
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ___P.G.____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____P.G.____
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____P.G._____

Comments

[usethepoker.livejournal.com]

Now this was an interesting application. "Lancre?" Susan asked. "You're from Lancre?" So far as Susan knew, aside from herself and the Feegles this girl was the only other Discworlder in the entire school (she'd never met Tiffany).

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, that general area, at least," Petulia replied. "I've been studying with Old Mother Blackcap in Sidling Without. I'm, um, not sure if we're really in Lancre, but we're close."

[usethepoker.livejournal.com]

"Did anyone tell you you were coming here, or did you just suddenly find yourself here?" What she said next would depend very largely on the girl's answer--anyone just showing up invariably required a lot more in the way of explanations.

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, I just found myself here," Petulia said. She was a little relieved that the woman had suggested it - she still didn't know where she was, but maybe it wasn't so strange that she was there.

[usethepoker.livejournal.com]

"Ah. Well, that's not uncommon, here--probably more than half the people that come to Hogwarts don't do it intentionally." This was never an easy explanation, and if the girl had lived in Lancre all her life, it was probably going be even less so than usual.

"I ought to tell you, you're not on the Discworld anymore. This is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, on planet Earth. Every now and again it will sort of suck someone in--nobody's quite sure why; the best guess is that sometimes the school just decides a particular person needs to attend." Susan wasn't any good at imparting information gently, but she tried, at least.

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

Petulia blinked, trying to process this. The "not on the Discworld" thing, she had no idea how to deal with. It didn't fit in with her worldview at all, though to be fair, Petulia's worldview was mostly made up of a small slice of the Ramtops and rather a lot of pigs.

"Um, school of witchcraft?" she asked, not even trying to figure out the bigger details yet. "They can teach witchcraft in a school? Um, where I come from, you kind of have to learn on the job."

[usethepoker.livejournal.com]

"It's...very different, here," Susan said. "Almost nothing at all like the magic back home. We've got all sorts of people here, too, people who weren't witches or wizards of any kind in their normal habitat. Regarding your answer to question four, people do come back from the dead here, quite often, and not only as zombies--though we've got some of those, too. Zombies, demons, angels...it's an odd place, but you get used to it."

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"You do?" Petulia asked, looking a little dazed. "Oh, good. Um. I think it might take me a while, though."

[usethepoker.livejournal.com]

Susan smiled. "Believe me, you won't be the only one," she said. "Everybody's been new here at one point, so I wouldn't worry about it too much." She regarded Petulia curiously. "Did you really win the Witch Trials?"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um. Well." It had sounded good on the application, but now Petulia was a little uncomfortable claiming it. "Second place, really. Mistress Weatherwax always wins just by being Mistress Weatherwax, you know, and Tiffany could have beat us both if she'd entered. I saw the dust in her boots. But as far as most people would count it, I won."

[usethepoker.livejournal.com]

Susan had never actually met Granny Weatherwax, but even she had heard stories. She had met Nanny Ogg, however, and wondered if this girl knew that particular lady, too. On the whole, she rather hoped not.

"Well, winning something simply by being yourself doesn't really count," she said, though privately she thought it rather did. "What exactly is the Pig Trick?"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Oh, but it does! When it's Mistress Weatherwax, at least," Petulia objected. She thought for a moment about Susan's second question, and then said, "The pig trick's, um, hard to explain. I'm not sure there's really words to describe it properly, at least that I know."

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

"I have always considered pigs to be very congenial animals," twinkled Albus.

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, me too," Petulia replied, smiling. "And they're cute, too. Their noses are all wobbly."

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

"So they are," Albus agreed. "I can think of few things I like more than a wobbly nose, except maybe a lemondrop. Do you like lemondrops, Miss Gristle?"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, I don't know. I don't think I've ever had a lemon drop. Are they nice?" Petulia asked. She was sure they would be; he obviously had very good taste, if he liked pigs as much as she did.

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

"I think they are very nice, but everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. You should decide for yourself," said Albus, producing a small box of lemondrops from a pocket of his totally flamboyant purple robes. The box's lid opened of its own accord, a jaunty little tune played, and Albus held out the box for Petulia to take one of the tiny yellow candies from inside.

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

Petulia carefully selected a lemondrop and put it in her mouth. Her eyes widened in surprise.

"It's, um, interesting," she said, around the small hard candy. "I don't think I've had sour candy before."

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

"They aren't everyone's cup of tea," Albus agreed. "Would you care for something sweeter?" He produced a chocolate frog, still in its wrapping. The trading card inside would be his own (http://www.hp-lexicon.org/wizards/dumbledore.html#Card), though an updated version (it now read formerly Headmaster of Hogwarts rather than currently Headmaster of Hogwarts).

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

Petulia unwrapped the foil, and looked doubtfully at the wiggling chocolate underneath. It looked an awful lot like something Annagramma would have declared witchy and therefore good, no matter how it tasted. Still, to refuse it now would be rude, so she popped it into her mouth and bit down thoughtfully. It was good - Petulia had never had chocolate before, as it wasn't exactly common on the Disc, and especially not in the Ramtops.

She looked at the card, and then back up at Albus. "Um, this is you, isn't it?" she asked.

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

"So it is," Albus confirmed. "Being depicted on a chocolate frog has been the high point of my career, and I say that in all sincerity. Albus Dumbledore, professor emeritus, pleased to make your acquaintance. Tell me, what do you hope to find here among us at Hogwarts?"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Oh!" Petulia bowed quickly, more than a little embarrassed to have been talking to such an important personage for so long without realizing it.

"I, um, don't really know," she replied. "It's probably a good idea for me to have a new perspective on witchcraft, though. I've been with Old Mother Blackcap for nearly five years now."

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

Albus always found this kind of thing fascinating. "I'm afraid I'm not familiar with Old Mother Blackcap's work," he admitted, sounding sincerely regretful about this. "What are her specialties?"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, she's a pig-borer, cow-shouter, and an all-around veterinary witch. She's taught me an awful lot, but I suppose I should branch out a little."

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

'The Pig Trick.'

Maia raises a disbelieving eyebrow, her own silver jewellery dangling neatly from her ears.

'The Pig. Trick. Oh, well done, Petulia Gristle! I bet they all line up and beg for that one. Do you go to parties and do it for free, or is there a deposit first?'

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

Petulia crossed her arms. "Um, I don't do it for parties," she retorted, "but mostly because most people don't want pigs at their parties."

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Maia snorts, crossing her own arms with grace. 'Personally I don't see why anyone would want a pig at all. They're only good for one thing--' she pauses. May as well include some human men in there, then. 'And everyone knows that to frighten a pig you just say 'bacon sandwiches.'

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

What, was this girl channeling Annagramma or something? If she started overusing the word "literally," Petulia was probably going to freak out.

"Um, you havn't known many pigs, have you?" she asked. "They're really, um, quite nice. And intellegent, too."

Vote: Squib

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

The demon props her hands on her hips. 'Yeah, intelligent the same way a human is intelligent. Sorry, I rather prefer not spending my time around...' she pauses. 'Shall we say dumb animals.'

Re: Vote: Squib

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Why are you here, then? Go cackle somewhere else, if that's how you feel," Petulia retorted.

Re: Vote: Squib

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Not used to being told where to stick it by a human--especially one who's 'good with pigs'--Maia glares, cackles defiantly for no other reason than to stake her cackling claim, snaps her fingers and disappears.

[teamseaslug.livejournal.com]

"There's some zombies here, and one of them said she had sex with her demons." Osaka wrinkles her nose at the memory. "She was gross. Some of my friends and I are trying to get rid of the zombies, though." After a pause, she speaks again: "What's a pig trick? Is it like teaching them to play dead? Because you can just get bacon to do that."

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, it's a magic trick. That uses a pig," Petulia explained - or tried to. The pig trick was difficult to explain. "It is easier if the pig is well trained, though."

[teamseaslug.livejournal.com]

"Is the pig your assistant?" She brightens up, smiling. "Do you dress it up, and that's why it needs to be well-trained?"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

Petulia shook her head. "Um, I suppose you could dress it up, if you wanted to. But the trick, really... it makes a pig more piggish, I suppose. If you can do it, it shows you're, um, really good with pigs."

[teamseaslug.livejournal.com]

"But it's already a pig. How can it be more of a pig?" There is a puzzle here, she is sure of it. It sounds like one of the riddles she's so fond of.

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, aren't there things that make you feel more like yourself than you usually do? If you're doing something you love, or you're around people that love you?" Petulia asked. "It's kind of like that."

Vote: Hufflepuff

[teamseaslug.livejournal.com]

A beat, then two, and then Osaka's eyes widen in understanding. So this trick is making the pigs her friends! That's very nice of her. She knows she'd like to have friends if she were a pig. Then again, if she were going to be a pig, she'd rather be a dolphin, what with the kanji for dolphin being "sea pig."

"You should try it with dolphins, too, but there aren't any here. I'm voting you into Hufflepuff. I think you'll like it there."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"What's a soft nellie?" the Sorting Hat piped up, ever-inquisitive. "That sounds a bit kinky!"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"It's, um, a kind of goat cheese," Petulia said. "My friend Tiffany makes it really well." She wasn't even going to ask what kinky meant, which was probably a good thing.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Ohhhh."

The Hat sounded disappointed.

"Do you ever make cheese out of pig milk?"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, no, I haven't," Petulia replied thoughtfully. "I'm not really much good with cheeses. Just with pigs."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

The Hat let out a sort of disappointed whoosh, a sound of deflation, accompanied by a visible drooping of its tip. It was silent for a moment. Then the tip quirked up again hopefully.

"Well, would you be willing to experiment with pig milk cheesemaking?"

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um," Petulia began, hesitating even more than usual. On one hand, she seriously doubted that anything edible would come of such an attempt. On the other hand, she was Petulia, and as such had a hard time refusing to at least try something without a very good reason. "Yes, I could try. If I had pig milk to do it with, I could, um, try."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"That can be arranged! Would it be best if you milked the pigs yourself, or should we try to locate a pig-milk wholesaler?" The Hat sounded entirely too excited about this prospect. It also didn't seem to realize there wasn't widespread demand among humans for pig milk.

[pigwitch.livejournal.com]

"Um, I think I'd probably better milk the pigs myself," Petulia said, wondering where the Hat was going to find a lactating pig. Probably best not to ask.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Very well, then! I'm sure I know just the place for you!"

Prepare to be Sorted!

Hufflepuff!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

I can't think of anything more useful than pig cheese!

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Hufflepuff!