Open Your Eyes: Closed RP (Sirius, Lily, and Harry)

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

((Backdated to the morning after Sirius and Lily discovered Voldemort was back and got into a massive fight over it. There's still a Harry-Sirius socking RP I need to do in which Harry and Sirius discuss the aftermath of the fight and generally have some good godfather-godson time, but for now that will have to wait. This RP comes after that.

Oh, and beware teh emoness. It burns!))

The only reason Sirius had slept well was his good friend Firewhisky. Lily had apparently lost her mind, and the upshot was that he was now kicked out of their suite and possibly broken up with. More importantly, it scared the hell out of him that Lily was out and about the castle by herself, being angry and rash and probably not particularly careful even though Voldemort could be anywhere. It was exactly the reason she had wanted to confine Harry to Slythendor, and yet she couldn't take the same advice for herself. And there was nothing he could do about it, because everything he had tried had only made things worse.

But the Firewhisky had been able to go only so far. Not wanting to drink in front of Harry, Sirius had started in on a bottle after the both of them had finally gone to bed, and even then, there was only so much he had allowed himself to drink, because he needed to be alert in case something happened to Harry or Lily.

Eventually, he managed to fall asleep, and when he woke up, the first thing he did was send an owl to Lily, because that would be quicker, easier (especially considering she had said she would lock him out of their suite), and hopefully less damaging to their relationship. The owl bore the following note:

----

Lily,

Are you all right? Harry and I are fine. We are both still in Slythendor. No sign of Voldemort.

Are we still

Please let me know that you're okay. I love you.

-Sirius

----

Unfortunately, the owl returned, bearing his note. Which was not a good sign. Now feeling quite frantic, Sirius made sure Harry would stick around Slythendor for a while (an idea that was not so thrilling to Harry, but that he acquiesced to, simply because he felt bad for Sirius after the mess of the night before, and anyway he didn't have a whole lot to do), and then he left Slytherin and went up the stairs and around the corner to the suite he shared (and hopefully still did share) with Lily to see if she was there.

His initial discovery sent flashes of red-hot panic across his flesh.

She hadn't locked him out as promised. Instead, the entire place was open; only the normal wards were up. He easily let himself in, only to find the place empty. Which, when put together, meant that she had never gone back to lock him out in the first place.

And Sirius bet he knew where she had gone. Because she had never really promised not to go looking for Voldemort. His fear turned ice cold and he began running through the corridors.

After he had searched out the entirety of two floors, he finally found her. She was sitting on the floor just across from the Popcorn Room, knees brought up to her chest and chin resting on them, and on her face a very strange, almost frightening sort of determined stare.

And there was a large piece of parchment in front of her. A piece of parchment he recognised very well, because he had made it years ago. It was the Marauder's Map, and the last person who had had it, as far as he knew, was James.

The other James.

Which meant that, unless he was missing something, she had gone up to Gryffindor to fetch it from him. Sirius didn't know whether that James was even around any more - he hadn't seen him for months, although he hadn't gone looking for him, either - but it didn't matter. The fact that she had gone up there and put herself in that sort of position, had taken that sort of risk, ignited Sirius's temper.

His initial flood of relief at seeing her alive evaporated within a second or two, and he asked sharply, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Comments

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Just a tiny intake of breath. The smallest little crumble in her armor. "I'm going to kill him," she muttered.

"I'm not hiding anything. And I don't... Merlin, who do you think I tell? For fuck's sake, Sirius." Now she was just angry. "You sleep with me. Why don't you tell me about my nightmares, yeah?"

She walked a few steps away and then turned and came back, chin jutted out in defiant ire. "I am not doing this," she hissed. "I am not...standing in the middle of some corridor blurting my deep dark secrets to you. That is not how this works. What I don't tell you, I have reasons for. All right? Maybe I don't want to talk about them. Maybe I don't..."

Maybe I don't trust you to stay if you knew them.

But she cut herself off. Clenching her jaw, she stared at him for a moment, the turned away again. "I'm going home. You can do what you want."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

The prospect of Lily killing Robin was magnificent. Sirius would have provided a great deal more encouragement had he not had more pressing issues to worry about.

"I'm going home with you," he said definitively and began following her down the hall. He let about ten seconds pass, and then he started talking again. "I don't expect you to tell me everything. Everyone deserves their privacy. But when something is causing you to act like this, or to wander the corridors at three in the morning, screaming yourself raw, then yes, I expect you to tell me, Lily. Because I'm your friend and because I'm your boyfriend. And if there's a good reason you can't tell me these things, then I at least deserve to know that."

He was tired of her evading him on this stuff. At this point, he was starting to feel like he had nothing to lose. This wasn't just a fight. She had essentially said she thought they might be better off without each other. Well, she had said 'as friends', but he didn't see how that could possibly happen. It would hurt him too much to let her go.

And so he was willing to push her harder, to get answers, to force her to stop changing the subject and running away. Because if he was going to lose the person he wanted to spend his life with, he wasn't going to go down without a fight.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Wincing, she muttered darkly, "Merlin, you two had a right nice chat, didn't you?" Well, she was never talking to Robin about anything significant again. Like a couple of old women, those two.

They reached their room without Lily saying anything else. Once they were inside, though, she turned to face him, eyes studying his face. "Why did you get so fucking weird after Cox and I broke up? I never pushed that, but if you want honesty, let's do some bloody honesty. Where did you go? I needed you, Sirius, and you checked out. So what the hell happened?"

It all came out in a rush. She hadn't intended to ask but... That had been where it all had started, hadn't it? Lily had her own reasons for being closed off, and a most of them had nothing to do with Sirius. But that - losing him, feeling like she had to walk on eggshells, having things she told him set off huge fights - it had been the start. And she needed to know why if he ever expected her to be able to do anything to let him in.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

No. She was doing it again. Changing the subject. Trying to slide out of having to answer his questions. She had done it before, when he had asked her about her nightmares - multiple times, in fact - and he still had no answers about that. This was about her and the reasons she was keeping things from him. Not about what had happened after New Year's.

"We're not talking about me right now." His voice was sharp and firm. "We're talking about you. And why you won't tell me things that are important to you. Why you don't see me as your best mate any more."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"You don't think that has anything to do with it?" she returned. Oh, if he wanted a fight, she'd give him one. Her temper was short on the best of occasions, but Lily had just been through hell and back in the last twenty four hours and she was done.

"YOU walked out on this, Sirius. YOU did. You were emotionally gone when I needed you. And then all we did was fight. Ever think that maybe part of the reason I don't tell you things because I never know what will set you off? What will turn into a fucking fight?"

Folding her arms tightly across her chest, she met his eyes steadily. "I'm asking you, Sirius. Straight out. Tell me what happened. I want the truth."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

He didn't want a fight. Not at all. But it appeared that he was going to get one anyway. Especially when she found out what had happened that night (http://lilypotter60.livejournal.com/5314.html).

But she was leaving him with little choice, linking their current problems all back to New Year's. And maybe it had begun then, because after that was when all the fights had started. He knew there were things she had been withholding from him before that, but they had never fought prior to New Year's, at least nothing beyond a mild squabble that was over in half a minute.

Well, he had wanted to tell her at some point anyway. Now as as good a time as any, especially if she was determined to break up with him in the first place.

"You want to know what happened? Fine." He fixed his eyes on her face, because if he was going to tell this story, he was going to do it straight up. No more secrets. A fiery flush spread across his skin, encompassing a mix of anger, terror, fear, shame, and a whole host of other emotions. "You owled me after you broke up with Cox. I came to your room to find out what happened, and you were drunk. You were really upset, and maybe you started crying and I...you know, I tried to comfort you, and then you kissed me, and we...did things. Together."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Lily wasn't sure what she had been expecting. Maybe something about how he'd felt about her. Or a some slight she had forgotten that had gnawed away at him. But what Sirius said...

Her breathing had gone shallow and Lily looked decidedly ill. "What kind of things?" she said in a hoarse whisper.

But she thought she could fill in the blanks. The way he'd acted, the space he had put between them... She knew.

"Sirius," she said, a little louder, her eyes begging him to prove her wrong. "What kind of things?"

Lily always preferred to face things head on. To not run and hide. She needed him to tell her. She needed to hear it from his lips. Even though she was certain that what he said would not be something she would want to hear.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

He almost wished she had yelled at him instead of standing there, looking sick and scared. He could take her anger. That was on him. But to see her hurt, even though he knew that would be one of the repercussions he would have to face - there was no way it wouldn't be - was far, far worse.

He swallowed hard and fought to keep his eyes on her face. "We didn't sleep together." Best to get that out of the way. "You...you wanted to, but I didn't let it happen. I stopped things." There was a pause. "Right before that." If he was going to tell this, he wasn't going to hold back. He hated everything that had happened that night, and he didn't want it eating at him any more.

"And then," he continued before she could say anything, "after I had, erm...got you dressed again and in bed by yourself, I sat in your chair - " it was important to establish that he had not gone to sleep in her bed that night " - and told you how I felt about you, so you would know I wasn't just trying to have it off with you. I told you I was in love with you. And why. Everything. And when I finished, I was afraid you'd be angry or feel uncomfortable around me, but you didn't say anything, and that's when I found out you had passed out."

He paused again, briefly, to swallow. "And then the next morning, I thought you'd remember, but you didn't. You didn't remember any of it. Not what I said to you, and not the things we did. So...I left. And...that was it."

He had half a mind to continue talking, because the more he talked, the longer he could put off Lily's reaction. But there was nothing else to say, really, except to go into more detail, which would only make it worse, so he stopped there, a miserable look on his face as he regarded her, waiting for her reaction.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Except for actually flinching back when he said they hadn't slept together, Lily stood, frozen, staring at him. She felt like she was going to be sick. Like this was all some horrible nightmare she would wake up from. This had to be a dream. There was no way this was real.

"Why did you stop?" It wasn't until she spoke that she realized how tight her throat was. Tears were fighting to fall, but she held them back. He didn't get to see her cry. Not about this. "Why did you stop?"

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius was completely taken aback. He hadn't expected that question. It almost sounded like she wished he hadn't stopped.

Not knowing what to make of it, he told her the truth. This time, though, he couldn't meet her eyes. "Because of him."

James. The same reason as why he wouldn't sleep with her for so long after they had first got together. The reason she hated and had worked so hard to deal with.

There was nothing more to say about it. Lily knew all the details already.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Laughing a little, Lily closed her eyes, looking for all the world as if he'd slapped her. "Let me see if I understand this," she said, gaze going to him, mouth twisted in disgust. "I lost my best friend, I spent months blaming myself over it, I had to deal with all this shite on my own, because I got drunk, you took advantage, and then you didn't have the balls to deal with it the morning after?"

She had moved closer to him, a kind of rage that had never before been directed at Sirius in her eyes. It was how she looked when confronted with a Death Eater or a Malfoy or someone she had no respect or trust for. It was how she looked when she was one move away from hexing someone. "Want to know what the worst part is? You didn't stop because you realized that I was so fucking drunk I couldn't see straight. You didn't fucking stop because you were a good guy. You stopped because of James. Because of some dead guy. So what, Sirius? If I hadn't been the wife of your dead best mate, you'd have fucked me anyway? Is that all I had to do before? Merlin, why did I waste all that time trying to deal with your issues? I could have just drank until I threw up and it'd been like a fucking love potion."

By the end of that a few angry tears had started to fall, but she roughly scrubbed them away. "You have no idea what you did, Sirius. You blame me for not being able to talk to you? Well guess what? My issues? Are no longer your concern." She fixed him with a glare. "Get out of my house. I never want to see you again. You stay away from me, you stay away from my son. Or so help me God, Sirius, I will make you wish you could die on campus."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

It was worse than what he had imagined. Far worse. Sirius literally wanted to hide behind a piece of furniture as she railed at him. She looked like she hated him. And this time, she was far more unequivocal about the state of their relationship. The worst part was what she said about Harry. Essentially, in less than a minute, she had taken his entire world away from him. She might as well have thrown him in Azkaban again; it was all the same to him. Without her and without Harry - the two people who had truly become his family - he had next to nothing.

"Lily, please." He was imploring her, his voice rough with desperation. "Don't do this. It's not - I'm not.... I wasn't trying to take advantage. It's just...I had fancied you for so long, and then there you were, and I thought you wanted me, too, and I wasn't thinking. I - I'm sorry. I really am. Please don't do this."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Her wand was out, pointing at him, and she was more than ready to use it. "Don't make me count or something pathetic like that," she snarled. "Just get out."

Nothing he said penetrated. Nothing. Everything they had, everything they had built, was a lie. The Sirius she knew - the Sirius she was in love with - simply could not have done what this man was telling her he did.

She had trusted Sirius. Without hesitation or question, she trusted him. And now she found out that the trust was broken, that he had used her while she was at her most vulnerable.

Not again. Never again. There was nothing soft in Lily, now. Not a trace of the woman who had loved him. She was angry and she had her wand drawn. The only concession to the fact that this was a man she cared deeply for was the fact she was giving him warning. "Leave."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

He wasn't about to draw his wand in defence. The look in her eyes was far more frightening than whatever her wand could do, although he didn't doubt that she'd use it on him.

Still, he wasn't ready to give up on her. It couldn't end this way. It couldn't end, period. He loved her far too much to just give up and walk out.

"Please, Lily," he repeated. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you. Please don't do this. I love you, Lily, please." He was begging her now, hoping for some small spark of mercy or understanding underneath her anger.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"If you loved me, you sorry excuse for a man, you wouldn't have done that. And, if you did? You would have told me. You wouldn't have let me go through that alone." Turning from him, she walked over to the door, throwing it open. "What, did you think it wouldn't matter? I never want to see you again, Sirius. I don't know how much plainer I can make it."

The words were just spitting from her mouth, her entire stance rigid and cold. "Get out." A muttered phrase and a complicated motion of her wand and Lily reset her wards. To exclude him. "Don't owl me. Don't come by. Don't show up in my class. You and me? We're done. And you will move out of Slythindor. I don't want Harry near you. Leave, Black." His last name was like a curse. "I'll have a house-elf pack up your stuff."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

He had little choice but to walk towards the door, but along the way, he continued to plead. "I did tell you, Lily, I did. And I do love you, more than you can imagine, I love you, please, Lily, please, don't do this. We can work this out. We can fix this." Sirius's mind was in a state of panic, and the words were just rolling off his tongue without any mental processing.

What she said about Harry and Slythendor made his blood run ice cold in his veins, and he paused at the door. If he didn't go back to Slythendor, he'd have nowhere to live. He'd have to find an empty room somewhere, and if there was none, he'd have to see if someone else would let him stay with them for a while. Maybe Cox or Cooper would give him a space on their floor until he could work something out. Failing that, there was the Hospital Wing. Coop had done that, although it was before Agnes Nutter had taken over, and Sirius had heard the rumours about her.

No. She couldn't do that. She couldn't prevent him from seeing Harry or living in Slythendor. Harry was of age. He made his own decisions.

But he wasn't about to say any of this right now.

His heart sank deep into his chest. The look in her eyes - yeah, it told him he had no chance of convincing her of anything. At least not at that moment, and maybe not for a long while, if at all.

What else could he do? He turned to go, but after a step or two, he turned back around.

Pain and desperation were evident in his face as he looked at Lily for several seconds. Several long seconds. His eyes rested on her face, taking in all her features, caressing it one last time. Hoping for a glimpse of forgiveness, a crack in the wall.

But there was none, and so he turned around and, without another word, walked out, feeling as though a Dementor had just closed in on him. And if there really had been a Dementor, he would have been perfectly satisfied to let it have its way with him. She had just taken away everything that mattered from him. Blinking back hot, shameful tears, he quickened his stride, making his way to the boys' loo, where he spent ten minutes in a stall trying, and failing, to keep his composure. When he had got a little bit of it out of his system, he washed up and then went back to the Great Hall.

Maybe Harry was still there. If anything, he had to let him know that things would be very rough for a while, and perhaps permanently.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

She was ice. She was a wall. She was impenetrable. Over and over she repeated this to herself, not letting a crack show. As his eyes swept over her face, she refused to let herself do the same. They were done. She was not going to allow for any weakness.

At least, not until she shut the door. Sliding to the ground, back to the door, she buried her face in her arms and simply broke down. There was no one left to be strong for, no one to protect. And Lily felt as if her heart had been literally ripped apart. There weren't even pieces any more so much as grains that scattered and left her hollow and cold and empty.

The castle had long since grown dark and still by the time Lily moved again. Pushing herself up, movements slow and hazy, she packed up a few things and headed up to Ravenclaw. She'd disassemble the suite another time. But she couldn't stay there. That was the place she'd made with her and Sirius in mind. It was too painful to even think about all she'd just lost; she could not live where they'd been happy together.

Her old room was dark and filled with Robin's excess shite, but she managed to find her bed. Fully clothed and with moonlight streaming in the open window, Lily curled up on her bed and stared out over the darkness.

After a long while, she waved her wand, transfiguring an old pair of shoes into curtains and putting them up over the window. Then, turning over, she closed her eyes and wished it all a horrible dream.