(no subject)

[chaos-creator.livejournal.com]

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheese huh? I've heard good cheese comes from Happy Cows and Happy Cows come from California. I came up with that one you know. Oh, you should have heard the screams of bloody murder in Wisconsin...

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Easy. Carrottop of course. He's lame and no one pays attention to him anymore. Not one of my better ideas, I'll admit. Barney causes chaos and feelings of deeply seeded unease in adults and he makes little children pee their pants with glee when they see him in person, thus causing their adult parents even more embarrassment and unease. It's a never-ending cycle with that dinosaur. I live off that kind of shit.

3. What time is it where you are?
Time is subjective.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
All of them. At once. And then I'd play them off each other till the whole thing was one gigantic cluster fuck. Man I love cluster fucks...

5. If you are pushing to be in:
I ain't pushing nothin' 'cause s'all useful good.

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Gotterdammerung – oh come on! It's obvious! Now, now I wouldn't be the bartender. I'd be the guy sitting up in the balcony area with his big mug-o-mead and laughing at the ensuing chaos that erupts from a bunch of wanna-be goths trying to serve drinks in utter darkness. Also, I would ensure the use of glass in the serving of said drinks. The resulting bloodshed would probably make my blood-brother very happy.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Both, but allow me to explain. Following the logic in #4 it would behoove me to induce Harry into marrying one first, and then playing on the jealousy of the other so the whole thing turns into a love-triangle worthy of daytime television. I would also be sure to include various others in the plot, such as Ron and Hermione. For shits and giggles, let's throw in the twins' little sister, a of long lost sibling or two, and a couple of pregnancies. Mix ingredients together thoroughly, let simmer for one or two days, and enjoy. Hey, it worked for the Greeks...

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Oops. My bad.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Look. I can turn into just about anything under the sun and offer riches, boobs, and gold to the highest bidder. That ain't useless kiddos. Actually, now that I think about it, this might not be such a bad house. You know what they say about the quiet, hard working ones, right...? I would totally not attempt to rally the troops and take over the rest of the school in a violent, messy, chaotic blood bath just to practice for Ragnarok. Nope.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
Boobs. Who doesn't like boobs? Failing that, I can do just about anything. You want gold, glory and fame? I got it. I gave you people Harry God Damned Potter. What fandom is better – or more chaotic – than that? Do I even get a thank you? Sheesh.

Comments

[chaos-creator.livejournal.com]

What sort of glory and fame would you like sir? And where shall I deliver the leprechaun's gold?

[teatimeassassin.livejournal.com]

If you could perhaps give me glory and fame of the sort that garners respect, authority, and immortality, I should be most pleased. Perhaps something to do with my profession, sir...?

In regards to the gold, I have a vault.

[chaos-creator.livejournal.com]

A vault will work nicely.

Now, as for the rest, I could secure a place in Congress easily, though somehow, I don't think a man such as yourself would be all that interested in politics. Immortality might be a little more difficult, as I'd have to call in some favors. Tell me, what sort of profession are you in?

[teatimeassassin.livejournal.com]

Excellent.

Immortality in one form or another would be excellent. Politics...I'm not really the sort to actually be in them, no, though it's quite necessary that I keep up to date on them.
You see, I'm an Assassin, sir.

::Screened for the Assassin and the Chaotic God only::

[chaos-creator.livejournal.com]

Ah, I see. Capital "A" and all. I see indeed.

Tell me sir, and this is simply hypothetical conjecture at this point... What are you views on Assassinating gods?

::Screened for the Assassin and the Chaotic God only::

[teatimeassassin.livejournal.com]

Oh, sir, if you wish to talk about such hypotheticals, you've come to the right place.

I have not yet gone after any gods, but I have in the past attempted to kill two anthropomorphic manifestations: the first, I only barely missed killing due to interference from an unforeseen corner and the idiocy of my hired assistance; the second - rather unfortunately, I feel - ended in my own demise.

However, the latter was the first time I had ever actually been immediately against anything beyond a human (though I had spent much time devising my strategy, I had failed to consider some of the more unlikely possibilities). I have evaluated my failures since then, and am now much more prepared to deal with divine, immortal, or otherwise supernatural entities should I be hired to do so.

Would you by some chance be interested in sending business my way, sir?

::Screened for the Assassin and the Chaotic God only::

[chaos-creator.livejournal.com]

Hm, a mildly impressing resume and even more impressive is the ability to look back and see what went wrong and how one could go about correcting one's mistakes. You may be just the man I'm looking for.

I could, possibly, possibly mind you - secure an immortality granting golden apple or two in exchange for putting a rather annoying god... out of the picture. Thus, you would be the Assassin who killed a god and the immortality would be both metaphorical and very, very real.

It is, of course, still all in the realm of the hypothetical.

::Screened for the Assassin and the Chaotic God only::

[teatimeassassin.livejournal.com]

This hypothetical sounds quite intriguing, and very much like the sort of thing I'm looking for. Why, I'm sure, were this to actually take place, I would be most appreciative if I were given the opportunity to be chosen to take care of this inhuming.

Hypothetically, I'd also need names, and perhaps some extra information; the gods around here don't seem to be, as a whole, the ones I'm familiar with.

::Screened for the Assassin and the Chaotic God only::

[chaos-creator.livejournal.com]

The most obvious hypothetical name I could drop would be one Odin, but I've got nothing really against the old boy. No, we are speaking, hypothetically, about one Heimdall.

Provided the sorting goes well, I would be interested in meeting with you to continue this hypothetical conversation.

::Screened for the Assassin and the Chaotic God only::

[teatimeassassin.livejournal.com]

Out of sheer professional curiosity, as I know little about this friend of yours, Mister Heimdall wouldn't have that pesky ability to rise from the dead I've heard about, would he?

If you would owl me when you have the chance, sir, I would be most happy to.

And, of course, I wish you excellent luck with your Sorting.

::Screened for the Assassin and the Chaotic God only::

[chaos-creator.livejournal.com]

Insofar as I am aware, Mister Heimdall has not made any deals with Hel to return to life once slain, though he is still a god and he is very immortal. He may be in possession of a few tricks I haven't taken into consideration yet. I would be most interested in hearing theories concerning his ultimate extermination.

Till then, expect the gold to be deposited in your vault in the morning. I have also made sure that it is not of leprechaun stock. Consider it a professional investment.

::Screened for the Assassin and the Chaotic God only::

[teatimeassassin.livejournal.com]

I shall have to do a little extra research, sir, and perhaps spend a while considering methods, but I think I've an idea about how to do it. It will take fine-tuning, of course, so I had best not speak of it in any definite terms until I've seen to it that nothing obvious directly contradicts my ideas.

Thank you very much, sir.