Dr. Robert Chase: House M.D.

[pompous-wombat.livejournal.com]

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
I'd have to say American cheese is the best, though House might bust me for that calling me British.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Probably Carrottop. That guy is really annoying. And he should dye his hair. He looks like a idiot with red hair.

3. What time is it where you are?
About time for me to go to work. Oh, boy. Another day at Princeton-Plainboro being bossed around by the overlord.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
......What kind of screwed up place is this? A guy harassing everyone? How old is this guy anyways?

5. If you are pushing to be in:
B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
This Harry guy should choose who he wants. We don't have any right to decide for him.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Maybe Cameron wrote it and wants you to read it. Badly. She gets really psycho with stuff like that.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
I'm a trained doctor. I went to medical school for eight years, two of specialized training... How is that useless?

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Well, I can give out some prescriptions. If you guys need them. And I can give you guys medical gowns, face masks, cotton swabs... and scalpels?

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. -RC
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. RC.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. RC.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. RC"

Comments

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

And that comment didn't make Sirius's blush deepen. Except it completely and totally did. For a few seconds, he was speechless. Man, this bloke was blunt!

Finally, he cleared his throat and said dryly, but not in an unfriendly tone, "Right. Erm...I did happen to feel it myself, but...you know, thanks for pointing it out. It is indeed fascinating, isn't it?"

Now would be a great time for a subject change. Except that he really wanted to know what Lily had said. Balls (or was it his heart?) won out over brains. As usual. "So...did she say anything else besides that I was good at Transfiguration and that my arse looks like a fully mature bubotuber?" He'd have to ask her about this piano. That couldn't have been an easy Transfiguration at all, unless she had started from a harpsichord or something. But the rest of the details - well, there was no way he was going to ask her about that.

Sirius couldn't help but chuckle at Houses's Hospital Wing misfortunes. "Wow, you must really have exploded at the patients. I mean, don't get me wrong - Cox is a good friend of mine, and I've no doubt that he's a first-rate Healer, but he's a pretty prickly guy. If you managed to out-explode him, then - " he laughed harder " - you must really have made quite a scene."

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

"Good lord, you're doing it again. I wonder if there's a disease that makes a fully grown man blush like a schoolboy," House was evidently enjoying himself too much. "There's no cure - medicinal or magical - for a crush, I'm sorry to say. Except for lots and lots of alcohol, but sometimes that just makes it worse." Ah, may as well indulge him. "No, she didn't say anything else apart from the fact you're a regular whiz-kid at transfiguration." House didn't mention that she also said she wouldn't let Sirius have a crack at the stool-to-piano transformation; what reason that was for, he had no idea.

At Sirius' laughing, House shook his head and scratched at his stubble to hide his smile. "Well, one guy had a scratch on his arm from an owl - I told him too much jerking off makes you blind, and that he must be carrying it to extremes if he started bleeding. Convinced another guy I was a janitor. Nutter came along when I was snooping, and my 'Pity me, I'm a cripple' act didn't work on her." He smirked wryly. "Then she found out I was a jerk, and now there are anti-me wards up."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius rolled his eyes so hard his head rolled as well. "Thank you, Dr Obvious. And I wonder if there's a spell that'll turn your willy into a turnip." He paused and pretended to think for a moment. "Oh! Indeed, there is one! So you'll do well to bear in mind that (a) I don't have a crush on her and you know nothing about it " - being in love didn't count as a crush, right? - " and (b) if you say anything to her, you'll be pissing out of a root vegetable. As the lovely lady said, I'm ace at Transfiguration."

A fake smile on his face, he nodded definitively at House. Then his expression resolved back to normal. "Anyway, I've got alcohol practically running through my veins, so it's probably just that. Hell, I'm probably drunk right now." Actually, that was not at all the case, and in fact Sirius had cut down on his drinking ever since Remus had asked him to (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/899261.html?thread=44383421#t44383421) (with exceptions (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/959971.html), of course).

Merlin, though, House reminded Sirius of Cox. Perhaps it was only a matter of time before Cox got himself banned, too? Of course, Sirius didn't know if, underneath it all, House was a decent bloke, as Sirius truly felt Cox was, but so far, despite the ribbing about the blushy situation (which Sirius really hadn't taken to heart - he was the one with the blushing problem, after all, and his bollocks were certainly big enough to handle a touch of well-deserved sarcasm), he seemed likable enough to Sirius.

"Well, that's unfortunate about the Hospital Wing," he continued. "What you did doesn't sound all that different from the types of pranks my best mate and I used to pull back when we were here the first time around. I dunno, seems like 'Nutter' pretty much describes her to a T." He couldn't help but snigger. That really was an unfortunate name. "So d'you plan to just...I dunno, learn other sorts of magic and not bother with the whole medical magic deal? What's your specialty, anyway?"

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

There was not much more that House loved than someone who could fling his own sarcasm back at him. "Well played, sir," he grinned, deeply amused. "I'm probably going to have nightmares about turnip-dick now. Wonderful."

No swaying, no slurring, no discernible signs of drunkenness; Sirius was either a very well practiced long term alcoholic, or lying. Being his usual self, House assumed the latter. "Her name certainly does describe her well. I managed to get some medical books out of her, well, when somebody's finished with them she said she'll pass them along - but who knows if she'll actually do that. Other than that I'm just going to play catch-up for a while, go over the most basic of magic and remind myself that no matter how much the Muggle world needed me as a Diagnostician, the Wizarding world doesn't," he quirked his lips wryly, and added in his usual tone, "Almost makes a guy feel unloved." House braced his hands on his cane, the mention of pranks - especially the idea of ones on Nutter - catching his interest. "How many of these pranks did you pull?"

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Thanks, man." Sirius's face widened into a grin, small wrinkles appearing at the corners of his eyes. While House's self-important sarcasm had initially reminded him of Cox, this sort of banter - it was actually more along the lines of the way Sirius had often talked with James. Although his grief was still there, quietly simmering somewhere deep in his chest, it remained at bay, overshadowed by the joy and novelty of meeting someone with the same type of sensibilities.

"And hey, it's not so bad. Some turnips are pretty long and thick. Some people might consider the transfiguration a blessing." People like Snivellus Snape, of course! Snape alone disproved the whole thing about nose and pecker size being proportionate.

"Well, it's too bad about the Hospital Wing, but if you play enough pranks, you'll pick up some medical magic of your own. I mean - Merlin, my best mate and I pulled so many of those things that had I been keeping count, I would've lost it sometime around my second year of school. And the thing is, the best pranks often require experimentation beforehand. And experimentation leads to medical mishaps. And if you don't want to be asked by the school nurse why you can't stop puking mealworms or how your fingers came to be transfigured into bananas, then you learn very quickly how to heal your own wounds."

He laughed and then added, "Why, looking to pull a fast one on someone?" As much as Sirius had been feeling grown up and responsible these days, he hadn't lost his sense of fun, and so he couldn't help but perk up at the thought of having a laugh at someone else's expense once again. Anyway, it was all mostly harmless, right?

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

House grimaced, but his overly dramatic shudder was more amused than anything else. "Wonderful. Between images of turnips for dicks, and Lily threatening me with Cox in a nurses' outfit, I'm never going to be able to sleep again. Thank you."

It made sense though, the requiring of having to learn a fair amount of medical magic when playing pranks; particularly inventive untried ones would result in some backlash if they didn't work. Bananas for fingers. Heh. The first thing he should probably learn was anti-hangover and emergency detoxing spells, if there were such things. If so, magic really was a blessing.

And at Sirius' question about if he were thinking of playing a few tricks, well, House couldn't (nor did he bother to) entirely conceal his little childish evil grin. "It's base and it's crude, and it's not nearly as clever as turning someone's eyebrows into caterpillars or whatever, but I was given a vial of some horrendous smelling oil at someone's Sorting. And through my years of medicine, I have learned that sometimes a very effective way to prank someone is to intrude a vile smell into their workplace or room." Okay, so Agnes Nutter had been first on his list, but House was equally as happy turning the prank on, well, anyone.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius started to laugh. "Lily thinks she can get ol' Coxy in a nurse's outfit? Man, this I have to see." He sobered slightly when he realised that maybe this was some sex kink the two of them had - Cox dressing up in a nurse's outfit and Lily dressing up as...who knows - a Muggle Healer? a schoolgirl? a janitor?

Sirius blinked and then, shaking his head slightly, resumed laughing. Even if it were true, it was so ridiculous that it was worth having a laugh over.

Sirius's grin remained as House described his nefarious plan. "Oh, man, you're talking to the master of (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/676074.html?thread=32921322#t32921322) Dungbomb attacks (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/959971.html?thread=47448291#t47448291)." As much as Sirius was descending into immaturity, he had to admit that he was enjoying it. Life had been so emo serious for him recently; it was high time he had a little fun. "If you want help staging an attack, just say the word. I know all the secret passages and other disguised spots in the castle."

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

"I don't know if she thinks she can do it. I requested a naughty nurse and the best she could come up with was Cox in a dress. I hope I choke on my own vomit before I ever see that."

House grinned and rubbed his chin when Sirius mentioned the Dungbomb attacks. Here was a man who clearly had a long and clever history in pranking. Excellent. "Well, now that you mention it, a little help wouldn't hurt. I'm not all that good at running around, but I can provide fairly adequate distraction." House's grin grew, all the more pleased at someone willing to help and be a partner in crime for his planned prank. "What do you say, stink attack on the Hospital Wing?"

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"That's not a naughty nurse! That's just...." As much as Sirius enjoyed harassing hitting on Cox, the thought of him in a nurse's outfit was not sexy. "Something's wrong in that girl's head if that's all she could think of for a naughty nurse," he said about Lily.

Grinning widely, he said, "Oh, I'm all for it. I reckon your stink juice and my Dungbombs will make for a great combination." Oh, man, Lily and Cox worked in the Hospital Wing. But hey, they both had great senses of humour. Or, rather, Lily had a great sense of humour. And Cox...well, he'd get over it.

"We should do something else, too. I could set off some magical fireworks - no noise or actual fire - throughout the wing or...I dunno, charm all the pillowcases to have a picture of Cox in a nurse's uniform."

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

If House had been drinking, he would have choked on it and probably sprayed across the room. Thankfully, this was not the case; he simply chuckled. "Charmed pillowcases with the picture of Cox in a nurse's uniform. I love the way you think. Well, you know your stuff a lot better than me; first wave of attack, you could do the charming and the fireworks. I'd follow it up by throwing in the delightfully smelling objects, we make a break for it, and watch chaos ensue. Unless you've got a better plan, Master Pranker," House grinned.

It had been way too long since he'd been able to pull all sorts of childish pranks on Wilson, he needed to exercise that again. Of course, if Nutter found out that'd he'd had a part in it, he'd likely never be allowed back into the Hospital Wing. But that was mattering less and less now.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius decided that House was actually like the Bizarro World version of Cox, in that he was ornery like Cox, snarky like Cox, and a Muggle Healer like Cox, but didn't bother taking the extra step of pretending to hate whatever Sirius said when he actually liked it (when he actually did like it, as Sirius was pretty certain much of Cox's grumbling was genuine!). Not that Sirius really minded; he enjoyed his bantery relationship with Cox a lot. But it was still interesting to meet someone so similar to Cox and yet off from him in certain important ways.

He grinned back. "Sounds perfect to me." Oh, Sirius figured he'd probably get permanently banned from the Hospital Wing as well, or at least a pretty hardcore detention. But he also didn't really care, and anyway he knew Lily would take care of him if he ever needed medical care. Cox probably would, too, albeit extremely grudgingly.

On second thought, no, Cox probably wouldn't. Not if he were to find out who was behind the pillowcase-charming stunt.

Ah well. There was always Lily - and House, if Sirius ever needed the Muggle type of Healing. (He couldn't imagine why he would, but as crazy as Hogwarts had become, one never knew what strange needs might arise.)

((If the HW crew is around this weekend, especially Saturday, I'm totally up for RPing this stunt out in an open HW RP. If that's not a good time, we can always wait, too!))

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

House barely resisted the urge to steeple his hands like Mr. Burns and cackle. "I'm not terribly good with the running and sneaking, but I can provide distraction. I'll make a hellish nuisance outside the entrance and lure Nutter out, you can sneak in, do the pillowcase charm. When you've got an exit, set off the fireworks and escape. When Nutter goes back in to stop the fireworks, I'll roll in the dungbombs after her and make my escape as well. She'll know that I had a part in it, but I can't really bring myself to care."

((I'm on New Zealand time, so I'm sure my time is vastly off the majority of everybody here, but yeah, my weekend is free. When you say open HW RP - do you mean in here on the comm? Forgive the new person, I'm having a dumb day =P))

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius grinned and nodded, tossing his hair back slightly. "Brilliant plan, although I'm sorry I'm going to have to miss the nuisance you make. You'll have to fill me in later...when we're either revelling over the success of our prank or sitting in detention...where we can revel all the same."

Oh, man, Lily was going to kill him. It was going to be just like in their teenage years, when he and James must have seemed hellbent on losing points for Gryffindor through their antics.

But it would be so worth it.

((Ooooh, New Zealand! Cool! Well, Coxy and Lily-mun are totally up for it, and I'm sure Agnes-mun will be, too, as well as anyone else who wants to join in on the randomness. I'm on East Coast USA time, which is significantly earlier than your time by...I think around 16 or 17 hours. Do you want to make the first post, or should I? By open HW RP, I mean here on the comm, yes - as in an open RP in the Hospital Wing. :) ))

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

House shrugged, though the pleased little grin curling his lips completely belied the nonchalance of his action. "We could get detention? Good lord, I haven't been in detention since..." he trailed off, thinking back. "Must have been Egypt. How was I to know that they didn't appreciate military brats playing with their guns?"

Though, technically they were students at this school, no matter how much the funny the idea was of him, a forty-seven year old jerk and a well-known Diagnostician, being banned to detention like an errant school child. Ah well, he'd just find ways to amuse himself there, like passing notes or annoying the person elected to watch over them.

((Excellent! I'll go ahead and make the first post to start the distraction off; will time it for around Saturday morning, your time. That's about 3am Sunday my time, but I'm a night-owl, so it's all good =) ))

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius waved a hand dismissively. "Detention's fun, or at least it was back when my best mate and I practically lived in it." Then again, it hadn't been administered by psycho assassins (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/139001.html). Hopefully, Lily - or even Cox, for that matter - would take pity on them and administer the detention themselves! Not knowing a whole lot about Agnes, Sirius had no idea what one of her detentions might look like.

He smirked. "We'll make it worth our while. You can tell me your gun stories, and I can tell you my...wand stories or something."

((Sounds good! I'll most likely post there sometime mid- to late morning on Saturday, my time, and I believe Coxy, Lily, and Agnes will be around later in the day/evening. And if we declare it an open RP, others could join, too, of course.))

[canes-can-kill.livejournal.com]

Fun detention? The idea was unheard of to House. Whenever he'd got detention it had been push-ups and reciting boring textbook knowledge. Still, Sirius seemed confident that they could make it amusing should it happen, and a little time spent indoors was hardly likely to deter him.

"I'll do one better than gun stories; amusing medical stories and the list of things I've pulled out of peoples orifices," House offered, absentmindedly reaching into his pocket to bring his vicodin bottle out and dry swallow one of the pills. "Day after tomorrow, then? I'll be the one making a loud, annoying scene outside the Wing," he grinned.

((Sweet. I'll start the post up right after I get back from theater in the AM's of Sunday, should line up nicely =) ))

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Well, hopefully the time would be spent indoors. Hogwarts detentions tended to be quite...creative. Indeed, cleaning up (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/991737.html?thread=49610233#t49610233) Thestral dung (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/991737.html?thread=49749497#t49749497) was a far cry from writing lines or sitting quietly in a classroom.

But Sirius's interest was definitely piqued by the orifice stories. Completely uncowed by House's pill popping (although he did wonder why House didn't just use a charm to do whatever it was the pills did), he said, "You're on! I'll be the one attempting to look nonchalant as I enter the wing. I might even be the one looking like a big black dog, if I decide that's the best way to slip in incognito." He grinned back.

((Sounds great!))