Tyrion Lannister, A Song of Ice and Fire

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

((Edited because there is, in fact, an icon.))
Tyrion hobbles into the Sorting Room, looking around somewhat dubiously. This is... not where he was five minutes ago, and he's not really sure he likes this.

Spotting some parchment and a handy quill, he hobbles over to examine the application. He snorts a laugh, then begins filling everything out.


1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

The best cheeses, of course, come from Casterly Rock. But other than that, I know bugger all about cheese, and I don’t know why you’re asking.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

If I had any idea who either of them were, I’d decide then. That being said, I might consider killing one or the other for the right price.

3. What time is it where you are?

Not too much before sunset. Why?

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Well, as long as she’s good-looking, I’m willing to sexually harass any woman. *mutters* Should’ve buggered that Katelyn Stark when I had the chance… There’s the kind of woman who needs it bad.

5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend,
in the dark.

I’m kind of partial to the Flayed Man, myself. Where I come from, that’s the banner for House Bolton, but I think it’d make a good bar name, just the same. Also, I think I might like bartending.
B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or
George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Well, my brother and sister fucked each other on a regular basis. If it worked for them, why shouldn’t it work for this Harry?

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated
with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

I can relate. As King’s Hand, there was way too damn much paperwork for my taste. Mayhap I could speak to Lord Varys and see what suggestions he’d offer?

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

I acquitted myself well on the Battle of the Blackwater. Ask my squire. It’s how I got my nose chopped off.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you.
Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the
bribe.
Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't
really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly.
The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Well, all the gold in Casterly Rock is yours. Given that my father isn’t using it anymore I think this is fair, even though I don’t actually stand to inherit anything from the tightarse.



I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. TL
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. TL
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. TL
One day, marmalade will rule the world. TL

Comments

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

Where is Casterly Rock, and how does your father come to have no need of its gold?

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

Casterly Rock overlooks Lannisport, which is in the westernmost part of Westeros... Which probably means shit to you, right?

As for my father... *snicker* Well... There's a funny story about that. He was recently found dead inside his privy. Couldn't have happened to a better person.

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

I would not say it meant shit, as that might be taken as a reflection upon the manner of your father's death, for one thing. I will say I have never heard of the place, and likely you have never heard of this place, either: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, in Scotland.

My name is Maturin, and I am potions master here.

[rogue-nebari.livejournal.com]

((I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.))

"Your brother and your sister were frelling? That's pretty frelled up. Nerri and I may have been close, but incest isn't my thing at all."

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

((*makes note to self to actually watch Farscape, as I'd probably enjoy it.*))

Yes, they were. It was supposed to be a huge secret, but it wasn't that hard to figure out if you watched the two of them together. Which I, unfortunately, did.

[rogue-nebari.livejournal.com]

((I highly recommend it. Then again, given who I'm playing, I suppose that's a given.))

"That's gross. So about this gold..."

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"What a coincidence, I've been suspecting that my own dear brother and sister were knowing each other in a Biblical way for a quite a while now. Sadly, I've never been able to obtain photographic evidence and have them disowned."

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

What is this photographic evidence and how does one go about attaining it? This might prove useful.

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

Valentine raises an eyebrow. "Dear me, you must be from a primitive time and place. You see, my dear dwarf, we have these devices called 'cameras' which we use to record images. If I could have produced some images that could be verified as non-edited, my dear siblings would have been tossed out into the streets without a dime to their names. It would have made things much easier for me and I would probably still be alive and Emperor right now."

[sangoire-cloak.livejournal.com]

"Why does the art of tending bar appeal to you, if I might ask? As opposed to being "King's Hand"? What did that entail that was so unpleasant?"

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

Well, tending bar does allow one better access to any comely wenches that might work in said establishment.

Being King's Hand just mainly involved killing people who didn't serve my interests--that is to say, my beloved nephew's interests. Bartending sounds like a far less violent profession. Plus, I'm a grossly disfigured dwarf, so bartending in the dark seems perfect.

[sangoire-cloak.livejournal.com]

"A good barkeep generally knows better than to meddle with his assets, does he not, though? So, violence pleases you less than comely wenches, it seems, though you seem to be prepared to mete out violence when it is needed. Or for the right price. So it seems you value many things - women, violence, riches." She paused to consider, having settled comfortably in a kneeling position for the "interview", such as it was.

"Which do you value the most?"

[slothbefouler.livejournal.com]

The Blackwater, eh? I was almost assigned to that ship. So you are a Navy man, then?

I am sorry about your nose. Perhaps someone could sew it back on?

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

No, I'd say I'm not a Navy man. I just happen to have a good head for strategy and a lot of Wildfire handy.

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

You're a cranky fella, aren't you? With some seriously unpleasant attitudes to sex.

And I can't find much common ground for any conversation I'd care to make, so hey! Tell me more about this gold!

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

I like to think of myself as charmingly acerbic but to each his own.

As to the gold... What would you like to know?

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

Well, I'll grant'cha half of that.... I'm sure you're an acquired taste, Mr. Lannister, just not mine.

What kind...hmmm. Are we talking raw ore, mined or unmined, bricks or coins or jewelry, and how much is "all the gold in Casterly Rock"? 'Cause as I recall my fairy tales, that's the kind of phrasing that'd hold all kinds of traps for the unwary.

[silk-simkin.livejournal.com]

((OOC: Come, join us in the IRC channel! We're all dying to meet you. http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/437723.html))

"Well, isn't this delightful. A twisted little man, who sings like a nightengale. More or less. Tell me, are you as much of a lout as you look, or are there brains behind the facade?"

Simkin's being a prat, as usual.

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

((OOC: *sigh* I tried to connect to IRC via Miranda, which is my multi-IM software of choice, but I can't figure it out, although I'm happy to be taught by someone more savvy than I.))

Ahh, hello there. Are you always this friendly to new students, or am I just special?

[silk-simkin.livejournal.com]

"Oh, dear boy, you truly are special. I'll be keeping my eye on you, don't you worry. Just call out my name should you require anything."

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

Did you have an ... issue ... with your brother and sister's behavior?

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

Well, wouldn't you? It wasn't as if they were terribly discreet about it. Cersei shrieks like a banshee, and sometimes they kept me awake.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

So you think you might like bartending? What kind of a drink would you make for a thirsty Hat?

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

Whatever they're having over in Ravenclaw, since it seems that's where all the drunks go. Do you know of anyone in Ravenclaw who might be willing to sell out their housemates in exchange for your favorite kind of booze?

Slytherin!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Pina coladas sound like the perfect drink for an elegant and fruity Hat.

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Slytherin!