owl to Sirius

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

Padfoot -

I was wondering if I might stop by Gryffindor Slytherin wherever it is you're staying now and see how you're doing. Are you free this evening?

cheers,

Moony

Comments

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Moony,

For a while, I was holing up in Ravenclaw, but now I'm back in Slytherin. You know, I'm really starting to get confused about what house I belong in...but apparently it's not Hufflepuff (or any of those new houses for the really crazy people).

And I'd love for you to come by. Harry, Ginny, and Ron are all out and about, so it'd be nice to have some company. I'll make sure to lower the wards.

Padfoot

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

Remus hadn't been to Slytherin since the whole fuss about Voldemort being unpopcorned. He stepped into the common room with a slight expression of distaste - old habits died hard - and saw Sirius lying in a hammock (of all things), apparently waiting for Remus to show up. "Hello, Padfoot," he said. "How are you doing? I brought you a present." Under normal circumstances, he would've brought booze, but he didn't want to encourage Sirius. So instead, he'd brought the first Nick Drake album (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Leaves_Left) (he had two copies). He'd always found Nick Drake very soothing.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, the hammock in the Slythendor Common Room had never seen its intended use (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/498910.html?thread=24860382#t24860382) (at least as far as Sirius's own experiences went; he had no clue what Harry and Ginny might or might not have done in it), but it still made for a comfortable place to lie down and relax.

"Hey, Moony," Sirius said from his perch, turning his head to look over at Remus. "I'm actually doing...all right. Better, at least." He slid down off the hammock and took the offered album. After inspecting it, he smiled softly. "Thanks, man. I remember you dedicated one of his songs to me once (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/544414.html). And I've even got a record player to play it on - just charmed it to work in here, actually. And to fly."

It was one of the several projects Sirius had involved himself in since he finally awoke from his potion-induced stupor (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/925868.html).

"Care for a drink? It's pretty well stocked here, and I haven't dipped into it for some time now." This was Sirius's way of telling Remus he had been mostly prudent with the alcohol, just as he had promised (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/899261.html?thread=44361149#t44361149).

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

Remus actually did sort of want a drink, but once again he didn't want to provide any encouragement. "No thank you... but I wouldn't mind a cup of tea. You know, seeing as how I'm so tepid (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/899261.html?thread=44268989#t44268989) and all." He permitted himself a brief sardonic smile, then sat down on the couch and crossed his legs, regarding Sirius thoughtfully. "You do seem like you're doing better. How did things go with Lily?"

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius smirked at Remus and then went over to a small cabinet next to the locked unit where he stored his Firewhisky. Opening it, he pulled out a tea kettle and two mugs. As he poured water from his wand into the tea kettle and then tapped it to start it heating, he said, "Things...went with Lily. I mean, she took it well, for the most part. I think she was probably relieved, although she never said as much."

He turned around to face Remus and leant against the cabinet while the water heated. "Can't quite say the same for myself, though," he continued matter-of-factly. The grief was still there, but now that some time had passed, it was easier to keep it walled off. "Poor Lily ended up playing nursemaid to me for several days while I co-opted her room and subsisted on Dreamless Sleep Potion and the occasional meal."

The rather neutral look in his face shifted to something a little darker. "He was worse to her than what we had talked about - the other James, I mean. Some of it didn't make sense, and other parts were just plain mean." Sirius paused, feeling his blood start to boil along with the water in the kettle behind him. "At one point, he even suggested that Lily might've got knocked up by accident and that it was all her fault, and it was only through James's own generosity that he stuck by her to make her 'respectable' (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/905015.html?thread=44990775#t44990775)."

He took a deep breath and turned back around to the cabinet and attended to the tea with slightly shaky hands. After a moment's struggle, he added, "But she's doing all right. Got herself a dog and seems to be doing pretty well, mostly." Except for this not-sleeping business, which Sirius still hadn't managed to get Lily to say a whole lot about. It was something he'd have to work on.

He handed Remus a cup and sat down in a nearby chair. "How are you doing?"

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

"I'm all right. I've been working on some class plans and that sort of thing. Doing a lot of thinking. I played a good prank on Cox." Remus smiled, thinking about it. "You might have heard about it from him. He's probably still gnashing his teeth about it."

He leaned back on the couch and took a sip of tea, his smile fading as Sirius's words about Lily and the "other" James sank in. Every time he heard a new revelation about the person he thought had been his old friend, it made him feel more angry and sad and helpless - both for himself and for Lily and Sirius, who had been hurt far worse than he had been. "I suppose it shouldn't surprise me, that he said those things. But it still hasn't gotten any easier to hear about it." He paused, and added in a lowered voice, "Merlin, I miss James so much. The one we remember, I mean." It was the first time he'd said that out loud for a very long time.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"No, I didn't hear about this prank," Sirius said, his expression shifting to a look of amusement. "I reckon Cox probably doesn't want to give me any more ammunition. What'd you do to him?"

Sirius blew into his teacup, causing the steam to rise up and spread a warm, damp flush across his face. He was about to take a sip when he caught what Remus had said. It was a sentiment Sirius had expressed so many times, but he had always been one to wear his heart on his sleeve. Remus, on the other hand, was more guarded, and so the significance of the sentiment was not lost on Sirius.

He rested his cup on his knee and looked over at Remus. "I know." He did, even if Remus hadn't said it much before. "Me, too. All the time. He - he just always...he was a mate, you know?" It was impossible to sum up all of what James was in a few pithy words. "If he were the one who had come back...."

Sirius drifted off, shaking his head. After a moment, he picked up his cup of tea and took a sip.

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

"He decided to leave his pony in my bedroom as a prank," Remus explained. "I'm not sure how he got in, but... anyway, after a bit of negotiation, I returned the pony - riding on it naked. The look on Cox's face was absolutely priceless. I wish I'd had a camera." He couldn't help laughing at the memory.

"James would've appreciated it, I'm sure." He took another sip of tea. "I thought I'd gotten over it, you know," he added. "I mean... him being gone. It was so long ago, but... I suppose you never really get over things like that. And having that -" He was about to say "imposter" but that wasn't the right word. It was James, in a manner of speaking, just not their James. "- that different version of him around, and realizing it wasn't the one we remembered... it sort of brought it all back. Missing him, I mean." He shrugged and sipped some more tea.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"I wish you'd had a camera, too," Sirius laughed. "Well, if such an opportunity ever comes up again, let me know and I'll join you on horseback...although, on second thought, I think that sight just might kill the poor man, and I rather like the bloke and would like to keep him around, you know?"

In spite of, or perhaps as a result of, their continual banter, Sirius genuinely liked Cox and considered him a good friend and a kindred spirit of sorts. And Cox had been good to Lily. Especially considering the tragic situation they currently found themselves in, Sirius really couldn't ask for more from him.

"James would have appreciated it," Sirius agreed in a quieter tone. "And...no, I don't think it's something any of us will ever truly be over. I know I'm not - and...and I don't want to be, because that would mean I've forgotten him, or I don't care, and...."

Again, he fell silent, shaking his head. That would be the worst thing imaginable - betraying James by reducing him to an old, dusty memory. Sirius was deathly afraid of losing the ache in his chest, the one that was always there, most of the time dull, but excruciatingly sharp whenever he thought about James.

He swallowed hard. "We had good times together, all of us. Best days of my life, they were." He took a sip of his tea. "But you know what, Moony? This whole thing has got me thinking about some things. I - I don't want to go back any more - to the old days, I mean. Too much has happened. I'm too changed. I just can't. It's something I think I started to realise when I took that potion, the one that transfigured me to the way I was when I was seventeen. At first, it felt brilliant, like I could run around and do pranks and forget about everything that happened after James and Lily died, and even stuff from before then - you know, Voldemort and the Order, everything."

He paused for a moment, shaking his head. "But when it came down to it, I couldn't. I wasn't seventeen. I still remembered everything...and Moony, I wouldn't want to forget all that, because that would mean forgetting Harry and his mates, Tonks, Dung...forgetting how it felt to see you after all those years, to know that you had forgiven me for thinking you were the spy.... And I also realised how responsible and older I felt. Like when James, the other James, punched me (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/773564.html?thread=40176828#t40176828) after I - well, anyway, if I really had been seventeen, I probably would've punched him back, got into an all-out brawl. Not that that really would've happened, because James would never've hit me like that in the first place. But anyway, I didn't punch him. Couldn't bring myself to (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/773564.html?thread=40178364#t40178364)...because I'm not seventeen, and I have things and people I have to take care of now. Especially Harry."

Sirius's desire to relive his teenage years was something Remus had not been happy about; He had already (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/595056.html?thread=28662896#t28662896) told this to Sirius (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/611667.html?thread=29493843#t29493843).

"So...I dunno, I just...thought you might like to know."

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

Remus had to laugh again at the thought of the two of them both riding naked on Red Baron. "Cox would have a heart attack. And he'd deserve it, I think. I have no idea why you like him, honestly. Well... he is rather amusing, but I can't really have much affection for someone who thinks I'm an insufferable prick and refers to me as Hannibal Lecter."

He pondered Sirius's words for a moment before speaking again. "I think you can still remember someone without having it hurt. I thought it didn't hurt anymore - I thought all I had left was good memories and a bit of sadness, you know... but it still hurts. I've just sort of... covered it up." He had never been able to articulate his feelings very well, but he assumed that Sirius would understand.

"I'm glad you don't want to go back to the good old days anymore." He smiled slightly, in an ironic way, remembering their heated arguments on that subject. "They were the best times of my life too, honestly, but... well, you're right - we can't go back there anymore. We need to try and make these times the best times of our life, you know? I think I might get there eventually. I think you will, too. I hope so, at least. Anyway... thanks for telling me. I know this might sound horrifying to you, Padfoot, but I think you're growing up. And I'm really happy for you."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius laughed again as well. "I don't understand why you don't like him. I mean, yeah, he's a pain in the arse, rough around the edges and all that, but he's got a good heart. He cares about his friends, you know? You two must've got off on the wrong foot. Either that or he's jealous because you got to sleep with me and he.... Never mind, that doesn't work." Sirius smirked triumphantly. "Eh, don't take his jibes seriously. He's the only person I'd let call me Fido, because I know it's all done out of love, or something resembling that, at the very least."

His smirk softened into a faraway, pensive expression, his gaze fixed on a point just past Remus's head. "You never really had anyone to talk to about it - what happened to James and Lily. I...dunno if there was even a funeral." He sighed. "I suppose neither of us had a chance to grieve properly."

His eyes shifted slightly so they were focusing on Remus's. "Maybe this time I should let myself heal and you should stop yourself covering it up. I mean, I don't know how. I don't know if I'll ever not hurt, and as I said, I don't think I want to stop hurting. But maybe I should try to hurt a little bit less. And maybe you should let yourself hurt a little bit more."

Sirius picked up his tea and took a sip. It had grown cold, but was still oddly comforting, even without Firewhisky inside. "And...thanks, man. I...I suppose I'm happy for me, too, in that sense. I mean, I can't change things, so it wasn't really helping me to wish I could. Actually, if I'm being honest, I've been feeling rather old these days. I mean...compared with the other James, and with Harry...and just with everything that's gone on...sometimes it really hits me."

He paused for a moment before continuing, "Hey, thanks again for...you know, the shoulder to cry on, the shirt to spread bogies on, and all that. I honestly don't know what I would've done without you and Lily." He gave Remus a crooked smile before adding, "Well, if we're going to make these the best times of our lives, we've got to start having more fun."

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

Remus didn't want to start an argument, but Sirius and Lily's constant insistence that Cox wasn't such a bad guy was really starting to get on his nerves. "Padfoot, he tried to kill me. He hates my guts. He's called me every foul name in the book and has been an utter arse to me ever since his Sorting. For Merlin's sake, why do you keep making excuses for him? Do you really think it's all right for him to treat me that way?"

He shook his head in exasperation, then frowned into his teacup and sighed. "You're probably right that I ought to be less... err, repressed. But... well, it's how I've gotten by. I think I would've gone mad or... or something a long time ago if I hadn't. I don't really know how to stop. Being with Tonks has helped a little bit, I think, but... I don't know." He shrugged again.

"Well... you know I do go on about being old, but we're really not all that old. We're not even officially middle-aged yet." He smiled back at Sirius. "We're not too old to have some fun, anyway. And as for the shoulder to cry on... that's what I'm here for. I know you'd do the same for me."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius shrugged. "I dunno, I don't take him very seriously. I mean, all that name calling and stuff - it's sort of a facade. It's his thing. But once you get past it, you realise he's just a regular bloke. The key is to give as good as he does - no, to give better. What exactly has he done to you, anyway? He can't honestly have tried to kill you. I mean, don't Muggle doctors have to take some sort of oath or something?"

He set his teacup down and leant forward. "Well, now that I'm around, you can always owl me if you fancy a chat about something that's, you know, bothering you. I promise not to head off towards Azkaban or Reno again anytime in the near future. Best not to pretend it'll go away, because it never really does." Sirius shot Remus a sympathetic glance.

Then, just as quickly, he burst into laughter. "Sorry, Moony - it's not you. It's just...oh, Merlin, I remembered something the other James said to me, and it was so utterly ridiculous. He - he said something about me having a stash of gay porn! (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/641431.html?thread=31037591#t31037591)" Sirius laughed harder. "That should've clued me in, if nothing else! I mean, since when have I looked at gay porn?! I may have sex with men on occasion - or more often than that - but that doesn't mean I peruse gay porn! I mean, I have sex with Homsar more than on occasion, but do you see me reading marshmallow porn???"

Sirius was both horrified and extremely tickled at the thought that there could be porn out there involving Homsar, and he laughed even harder, beating his fist into the couch as he cracked up.

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

"Look, he showed up in the radio studio with a fucking baseball bat and threatened to break my jaw with it (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/544414.html?thread=26357662#t26357662). He's called me a cannibal. He's told me I was an incompetent professor. He's repeatedly told me I was an 'insufferable prick.' I don't like being treated like that, Padfoot. Goodness knows it's easy enough to get back at him, but I still don't find his behavior funny - or excusable."

The thought of Sirius reading gay porn, on the other hand, was pretty funny. "Goodness, I had no idea you went for gay porn. That's certainly news to me. You know, you do have a talent for writing gay porn (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/503915.html?thread=24855147#t24855147) - maybe you could make a few extra Galleons for yourself by writing articles for 'Playwitch.' Or maybe you could -" Remus started cracking up. "- you could write marshmallow porn for... for..." He couldn't think of a good title for a porn magazine about Homsar, and anyway, he was laughing too hard to get the words out.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"I think the day he's sugary sweet is the day anyone would really have to worry. Next time he decides to be obnoxious, just threaten to have sex with him. That's what works for me. Your horse prank blows all of the come-ons I've thrown at him waaaaay out of the water, but I suppose it's not practical on a more daily basis."

Sirius didn't know the details of the 'cannibal' thing, but he did know this was an issue Remus was particularly sensitive about, so he added, "And you're not a cannibal. He didn't know about all of the stuff you did for the Order (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/500145.html?thread=24737713#t24737713). If he did, I don't think he would have said that. Even he wouldn't go that far. But if you want, I can ask him not to say things like that again. I wouldn't tell him why, of course. But...you shouldn't ever have to hear anything like that."

Remus's career advice to Sirius only made him laugh harder. "I suppose I do have a knack for writing the gay porn! Maybe that's my calling in life! But...but...the marshmallow porn...I refuse! I mean, putting the details of Jenga into words would be simply impossible!" Jenga was far too transcendent for human language.

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

"I actually have threatened to have sex with him. Or close enough, anyway. He is awfully easy to rile up." Remus snorted. "The cannibal stuff really did rub me the wrong way - and when he said I was incompetent. That's just low. I don't know why he hates me so much - I never did anything to him, except in retaliation for things he did to me. I think he just needs someone to hate and I happened to be in the way. Pathetic." He made a disgusted face.

"Maybe you should try writing more gay porn," he suggested. "I'd be happy to proofread for you. And you do have my permission to use our exploits, as long as you change the identifying details. You could set the porn in a Muggle public school and have it be an ongoing series. I think you really could make some good money for yourself that way. But I think the Jenga would require too great a suspension of disbelief on the part of your readers." He started cracking up again.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I don't know what he said you were incompetent at, but he's dead wrong and knows it if it's magic or your job. I mean, I've barely seen him so much as take out his own wand, so there's no way he's got a serious opinion on your skills of a wizard. His comment wasn't low so much as ridiculous. Honestly, Moony, I think he was just trying to annoy you. It's what he does to everyone, at least as far as I can tell. It's his modus operandus. I don't know a single person he's kindly and polite to the majority of the time. And I reckon if he truly hated you, he wouldn't spend any time on you, much less seek you out for a prank."

Cox did have his moments, though, like the time he had opened up to Sirius about his cancer-stricken best friend (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/819321.html?thread=41963385#t41963385). That was one of the reasons Sirius did like Cox: Deep down, Cox really did care about people - at least, a select few - even if he had strange ways of showing it.

"Your revenge was far better, though," Sirius added. It really was. Finding a pony in your room and finding a naked Remus Lupin sitting on your pony were two completely different Quidditch matches.

"Jenga is very real," Sirius said mock-solemnly, nodding. "It's a shame more people haven't tried it out. Homsar's especially good at it, and he's not particularly discriminating about his partners. I mean, he plays it with other board games, for Merlin's sake...."

Sirius took out his wand and touched it to the teacup. After a muttered incantation, the water started to reheat. "I dunno, imagine if the porn fell into the wrong hands. I mean, what if Snivelly were reading about our adventures?" Sirius shuddered and made a gagging noise.

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

"He said I was an incompetent professor. He hasn't even taken one of my classes, for fuck's sake." Remus pondered for a moment. "Well, I suppose there must be a heart in there somewhere or else he wouldn't be a doctor. But look - if you really think he doesn't hate me, then ask him what he thinks of me. I bet you'll get an earful. Honestly, I wouldn't have anything against him if he didn't persist in being an arsehole to me. I have plenty of friends who are a bit... err, snarky. Crowley and Stephen, for instance. Sometimes I think I might be rather snarky myself." He smirked a little.

Remus finished off his tea and got up to fix himself another cup. Sitting down again, he said, "No, I mean you could disguise the porn so nobody would know it was about us. It'd be a... what's the term... a roman à clef (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_a_clef). I think it's a brilliant idea, Padfoot - think about it, it'd be easy money and you'd probably acquire throngs of admirers all wanting to take advantage of your sexual expertise." He grinned evilly.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius nodded slowly, a mixture of amusement and exasperation on his face. "Yeah, sounds like he was just trying to push your buttons and managed to find one or two that worked. He hasn't a clue about your teaching abilities, and if he sat in on one of your classes, I'm sure he'd realise you're a brilliant professor. He might not admit as much, but I know he'd know it. He may be surly, but he's far from stupid."

He took a sip of his tea and then snorted softly. "You, snarky? Never." He grinned. There was nothing anyone could offer him to make him want Remus to tone down his snark. "Anyway, sure, I'll ask him what he thinks of you. Oh, I bet he'll sputter and spew all sorts of rails and barbs at first, but once the wheat is separated from the chaff, I'm positive he won't be able to admit a true hatred for you." Sirius paused and then asked, "Do you hate him?"

He smiled wickedly over his teacup. "I've already got throngs of admirers who want my sex. Or so I choose to pretend. Anyway, the thought of Snivelly getting off on reading a story that about us, even if he didn't know it was us, turns my stomach." He thought for a moment. "Well, I suppose we could put an anti-grease charm on the parchment. Then he wouldn't be able to read it. You really think the demand for porn at this school is that high, though?"

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

"I don't hate Cox. I think he's a pathetic, miserable sod who probably needs several years' worth of Muggle therapy... but then, I could probably use some therapy too, so who am I to talk? Anyway, no - I just feel sorry for him, mostly. When I'm not laughing at him or wanting to smack him senseless, that is. I would be curious to find out what he really thinks of me, but I suspect it's probably just another variation on 'insufferable prick.'"

He leaned back on the couch again and crossed his legs. "You don't think the demand for porn here would be high? My goodness, everyone's oversexed here - I'm sure it would be in very high demand. And I really doubt Snape would be reading it. As I recall from when he was here before, his main sexual outlet was with Voldemort, so I don't think he'd be much interested in us less repellent types."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius laughed bitterly. "I think we all could probably use some therapy. Unfortunately, having been forcibly subjected to it in Reno, I can say for sure that it's all rubbish. Every day, I had to meet with some doctor or counselor who kept trying to get me to say why I was raving about being a wizard that night I first arrived. But when I told them the truth, they refused to believe me. Finally, I wised up and started telling them the things they wanted to hear. Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, the best kind of therapy is Firewhisky." Realising his mistake, he quickly added, "...whose services I have been very careful not to partake of ever since I made that promise to you."

It had helped that Sirius had spent the days immediately after that promise in a semi-comatose state, thanks to the Dreamless Sleep Potion. But even subsequently, he had been very mindful of his promise to Remus. He figured he'd probably break it sooner or later, but for now he was fairly proud that he'd not sought the numbing warmth of his favourite liquor as a form of solace for all he'd gone through ever since the previous full moon.

"Well, I'll ask him next time I see him," Sirius continued. "I suspect you're right about 'insufferable prick' - hell, it's what he'd probably say about me, or anyone, for that matter - but I do doubt it'll be 'I hate him'." Sirius was sure there actually were people whom Cox hated, and now he was beginning to wonder how he treated them. He couldn't think of anyone offhand, except perhaps Cox's ex-wife, but Sirius had got the sense that was a love/hate sort of relationship, which was different from true out-and-out loathing.

Sirius nearly choked on his next sip of tea. "Snape and Voldemort? Had you told me that before?" Sirius had heard some fairly disturbing things about Snape's behaviour after he had returned from Reno - the image of Snape skinnydipping was now burnt into Sirius's brain - but he didn't think he had heard that one. He had heard something about Dumbledore and Voldemort, and had tried very hard to suppress thoughts of it whenever they threatened to disturb his sanity, but he didn't recall hearing about Snape and Voldemort.

"What the fuck?! I mean...I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Snape was taking it from Voldemort, but the thought of that...." Sirius made a gagging face, accompanied by sound effects. "Sounds like Voldemort really got around while he was here. Maybe that's why we haven't seen him since he got back. Maybe he's too busy pounding - " Sirius tried to think of someone, but the idea of Voldemort having sex with anyone, even someone Sirius wasn't fond of, like Methos, was too offensive for him " - some poor, unfortunate soul. Or Snape again, now that he's back. Now, porn about that? I would never want to read." He gagged again, but this time it was involuntary.

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

"Well, I have to say that if I were a Muggle and I heard someone raving about being a wizard, I might think they were mad, too. Maybe somewhere out there, there's a therapist who could help the likes of Cox. But I doubt anyone like that would ever end up here - they'd probably go mad themselves within ten minutes."

Remus nodded approvingly at Sirius's words about avoiding booze. "It's not that I disapprove of alcohol in general," he explained. "I just worry about you using alcohol instead of dealing with your problems. It's the same thing as trying to escape into the past, you know - ultimately your problems are still going to be there when you sober up. Actually, they're probably going to be a hell of a lot worse, especially if you end up a bona-fide alcoholic. I don't want to see that happening to you, Padfoot. You've got plenty of mates here who can help you better than getting shitefaced. Hell, even hanging around Cox would probably be better. At least he might be able to give you a good laugh."

Speaking of Cox, he added, "I really do think you're going to find that Cox genuinely hates me. If he says anything else, I'd be quite surprised. of course, he might confess that his constant abuse hides a deep and abiding affection, or perhaps a desire to make sweet sweet love to me, but I somehow doubt it."

As for Snape and Voldemort: "Yes, Snape was... err, 'taking it' from Voldemort. He was Voldemort's... sex slave or something. He was in love with Voldemort." Remus shuddered, thinking of his futile attempt to talk Snape out of his bizarre infatuation. "Anyway, apparently his devotion was so great that when Voldemort became popcorn, he voluntarily became popcorn also. But..." A thought suddenly occurred to him. "You know, I think that Snape might've been a false or alternate-universe Snape. Because the Snape we know is a pathetic arsehole, but he's not a complete lunatic. I'm starting to see a pattern here. Maybe I should write a paper about it." He wondered if he ought to owl Stephen on the matter, since Stephen had taken an interest in such things - after all, it was Stephen who had initially suggested that James might not be the James they remembered.

"I don't know why anyone would want to read porn about Snape," Remus added with a grimace of disgust, blissfully unaware that many, many people seem to actually enjoy reading such porn.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

This time, Sirius's laugh was an amused one. He had to agree with Remus's point about Cox's therapist. "Well, I think the only person who does therapy around this place is that bloke Morfin. And he seems a bit...'special'...himself." Sirius had to admit, however, that it was quite possible Morfin ran a bang-up therapy session. He wouldn't really know, though, as the one time he had shown up to it, he had ended up sedated (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/569805.html?thread=27582157#t27582157).

Sirius nodded, well, soberly, at Remus's advice about alcohol. "I know," he said, and he did know. Things had seemed a lot clearer to him in recent days. "Y'know, Moony, the one thing I wanted most in the world was to have James back, but when it happened...well, it wasn't what I had thought it would be. And yeah, I know it wasn't really James, and I'm sure things would have been different had James come back, at the same time in his life that Lily did, but.... I dunno, I think, in the end, it made me realise that James being here won't fix everything for me. Don't get me wrong - I'd give almost anything to have the real James come back here, to not be dead - but I think I've got to work through some things on my own, work out just what I want to do with myself now that I'm back here. Watching over Harry and Lily - that's a given. But now that I'm not cooped in my parents' house, it'd be nice to do something, y'know?"

It felt good to be able to confide in Remus like this. It was true that James was Sirius's best friend, his 'brother from another mother'. But James - even a hypothetical returned-from-the-dead real James - also hadn't survived past 1981. He hadn't had to deal with his and Lily's deaths. He hadn't had to make a living as a werewolf who happened to be best friends with Sirius Black, Voldemort's supposed right-hand man. He hadn't had to struggle for his sanity every day in Azkaban. He hadn't been there for Voldemort's return and for the resurrection of the Order of the Phoenix. He hadn't lived at number twelve, Grimmauld Place for a year with Sirius and Remus. There simply were things only Remus would understand about Sirius, and vice versa, Sirius reckoned. It made him immensely thankful for Remus, the friend who had been there from the moment Sirius had arrived back at Hogwarts. They had had their squabbles, but in the end, Remus had been looking out for Sirius's best interests.

After another sip of tea, Sirius put his mug down and then heaved his legs onto the couch so he was half-lying across it with his back and head propped up against the arm rest. "Well, even if you're right and Cox hates you - which would be entirely his loss - it's nothing that should keep you up at night. The only way he could really kill you is by annoying you to death, and even that wouldn't pass muster with the no-kill rule."

Sirius really couldn't fathom how he kept ending up friends with all the people with whom Remus didn't get along. It was unfortunate, but Sirius figured he'd start to worry only if he ever started becoming friends with Snape...which would NEVER happen...especially with what Remus had just revealed about him.

"That is probably the single most disturbing thing I've ever heard." Sirius tried to keep the images from flooding his brain and disrupting his already shaky grasp on sanity, but it was no use. Only Remus's further speculation about Snape managed to save Sirius's mind from breaking past the point of no return. He sat up again, looking at Remus intently. "I think you may have something there, Moony. I mean, you're right - the Snape we knew was into the Dark Arts and a greasy loser to boot, but I never got the sense he lusted after Voldemort or was in love with him, or whatever. So...you think there are other universes of...of us?"

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

"You know, I really don't think there's one key that will fix everything in your life - or anyone's life, for that matter. I mean..." Remus was waxing philosophical now, as he was occasionally prone to do. "Obviously everything would've been different if not for... what happened to James and Lily, but since we don't have a time machine, there's no way of just flipping a switch and making it all go away. There's no easy way out - but that doesn't mean there's no way out at all. But I think you're starting to figure that out for yourself. I'm really glad for you, Padfoot." He smiled. "And you know I'll help you any way I can."

The idea of alternate universes was intriguing to him, and distracted him from the unpleasant memories of Snape and Voldemort. "I've read novels and things about alternate universes. You know, universes where the Germans won the Muggle World War II, or where the Protestant Reformation never happened... things like that. Who's to say there's not universes like that on a smaller scale? Maybe there is a universe out there where Snape is in love with Voldemort. Or where James... you know." Where James never cared about Lily, he was going to say, but that would be opening recent wounds. Sirius could fill in the blanks for himself. "It's odd to think about," he added. "But interesting."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius smiled back at Remus. "Thanks, Moony. I think maybe I really am ready to try and move on." It was strange, in a way. Sirius had always been the cool, confident one - he and James. Back in his schooldays, there was no way he would have betrayed that demeanor, to admit that he had something to learn or to fix. But so much had happened since then, and now he was grateful Remus had the perspective he, Sirius, didn't.

He listened intently to Remus's explanation of alternate universes. It was an interesting concept - interesting and scary. For a moment, he wondered whether there might be an alternate universe where he didn't suggest that Peter become Secret-Keeper, where James and Lily had never died, where the Order had defeated Voldemort and Harry was raised by his own parents...where Sirius had made something of himself, although he couldn't really imagine what. Or maybe, barring that, there was an alternate universe where Sirius had convinced Hagrid that he really did need to take Harry, where he had gone to Dumbledore and told him about the Secret-Keeper switch...where the Order had found Peter and stopped him, and Sirius had gone on to raise Harry as he had promised James and Lily.

The possibilities were endless, really, and Sirius realised he could torture himself for the rest of his life thinking about them. But he had just said to Remus that he was ready to move on, and he wanted to demonstrate that to himself, so he forced his mind back to their conversation.

"So you think maybe sometimes a channel opens up between the universes and sends someone from one universe into another? Hmmmm. I wonder if there's another universe where Professor McGonagall and I got together." Sirius grinned wickedly, amused by the idea. Then a more sobering thought hit him. "I wonder if we're from alternate universes and don't know it. Like...I dunno, what if, in some universe, I died when I fell through that curtain, instead of just going to Reno?" That's what he had thought was going to happen to him when Bellatrix hit him with that curse, so in a way, as lousy a place as Reno was, it had been a relief to land there.