Valentine Wolfe, Simon R. Green's Deathstalker Saga

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

Valentine Wolfe, tall and painfully thin and pale, appears in the Sorting Room. He seems mildly surprised and looks around with interest and distaste. "What an interesting taste in decor you have. Very quaint and archaic, if you're into that sort of thing. If the Church was right and I'm in Hell now, it's quite lacking in menace. I've seen scarier things in my breakfast."



1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Ah, so Hell has a questionnaire. What a nice, discerning place. I'm rather fond of cheese, particularly Virimonde's. It was so deliciously expensive, and has probably skyrocketed in price as of late." He giggles, a not-completely pleasant and mostly disturbing sound.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Why not both? Not that I have any clue who they are, but it could be entertaining for a while. And Carrottop sounds like one of those nicknames that the elves and rebels like to give themselves. Not that I have anything against the elves and rebels, but they haven't figured into my plans for quite some time now."

3. What time is it where you are?
"Well, it was a very pleasant afternoon on Golgotha. Dear Constance had a sense of style after all, as it caught her hair in just the right fashion. One must look stunning when one is being crowned a monarch, after all." His wide crimson smile is somehow now reminiscent of some sort of rabid, predatory animal.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Oh, sexual harrassment is so passe. There's so many more interesting taboos to be broken."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Ah, the noble art of inebriation. I suppose I'd call it the Lottery. Such a deceptively simple name, though true to the experience. I do so love to spike things with my little treats." He reaches into a pocket and grins wider as he pulls out a small silver box. He takes out a small tab, presses it with practiced ease against the vein in his neck, and smiles impossibly wider as his pupils dialate even more. "And so Hell has seen fit to grant me a few of my favored playthings."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Marriage, that wonderful institution responsible for ruining more lives throughout the ages than the Iron Bitch did in hers. I was almost married once, you know. My bride punched me walking up the aisle and ran to a convent. Apparently caring for a leper colony was preferable to my presence. No hard feelings, it was entirely a personal conflict. Such a pity, she made me bleed all over my lovely white veil. I suppose I still haven't answered the question. I suppose I should say that he should do his duty and marry whoever his Family chooses for him. Or he could pick one and keep the other as a concubine. And I suppose there's always a group marriage, if he wants to really piss off the Church. It seemed to work for those Stevie Blues quite well."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Paperwork is for people who aren't important enough for hired help. And if you do have hired help, you should probably kill him and find someone who'll get the job done more efficiently. Good help is so hard to find these days, wouldn't you say?"

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
"Hm, my dear departed father would probably have something to say about that. You'll notice he's not around anymore. People always underestimate me, though that can come in useful sometimes. My body chemistry's so far beyond the human norm that I can probably be looked on as the next evolutionary step. Though the esper drug seems to have worn off and my lovely erstwhile allies of Shub seem to have seen fit to remove their nanotech. Pity. I was also briefly the Lord of Virimonde, though that little joke became old quickly. And I was very nearly Emperor, before Shub decided that our interests were no longer in common. And I suppose you can argue that anyone who's been to Court as often as me and lived to tell about it is either a cunning or lucky bastard."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"The time-honored bribe! It's not often I find myself on the giving end of these anymore. What a treat. I suppose I could offer you some of my drugs, though most of them aren't for dilettantes. It could be amusing for me to watch, though. Possibly for you as well. I don't suppose my Family's fortune is any good here, so monetary compensation is out. Hiring myself out is so tacky, but I suppose I can make an exception. I can scheme with the best of the aristocracy, and my mind is so quick from my little chemical companions that I can out-think any of those inbred, shortsighted people any day of the week." He pulls out a half-crushed rose with thick, fleshy purple petals from his pocket, pulls out a petal and chews it. Some scarlet liquid escapes, making him look like an inked vampire. "So do I pass?"



"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ___VW_________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ___VW________.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____VW_______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _____VW________"

Comments

[peachykeendeath.livejournal.com]

((He can either recognize Death or not. She knows everybody, and I gather this guy had quite a close brush with her. Entirely up to you.))

Hello! Just FYI, this isn't Hell; I've been there, and it's a good deal less pleasant. How're you doing?

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

((Golgotha's basically Earth a crapload into the future, so he'll bite.))

"Hello! Good, I always knew that the Church's Hellfire-and-brimstone bit was a load of shit. It's always so nice to be proven right. I love your look."

[mr-vera.livejournal.com]

You're creepy.

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"Why, thank you. And you look like you'd be right at home on Mistworld."

VOTE: SQUIB

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Lily listened to the latest applicant with increasing distaste and horror. Without a word she cast her vote, her fingers tightening around her wand.

(http://photobucket.com/)

Re: VOTE: SQUIB

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

He watches her go, still smiling. Some people had no sense of humor at all.

[carri3-whit3.livejournal.com]

Carrie could feel emanations of decadent evil even before she stepped into the Sorting Room. Once there and faced with Valentine, her nerves wound up like piano wire. She smiled, a feral smile with no humor to it.

"Oh, there's plenty of scary things hereabouts, trust me. No matter how sweet an' innocent they may look."

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"I should feel right at home, then! I love a challenge. And who do I have the honor of speaking with?"

[damien-thorn.livejournal.com]

Yet another person who is entirely too full of themselves.

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

((Hee, it's cool!))

"And yet another person tragically born without a sense of style. Who are you and why should I care?"

[big-broomstick.livejournal.com]

You look like the type who might be good on a broom.

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

He raises an eyebrow. "Such a foward boy. We haven't even been properly introduced." He holds out a hand, dyed white as his face. "Valentine Wolfe, at your service."

[mmmax-headroom.livejournal.com]

A skateboard with a TV set atop it rolls into the Sorting Room and stops in front of Valentine Wolfe. A pair of hydraulic arms lifts the TV to Valentine's eye level, and a small videocamera attached to the top of the set swivels and focuses in on him. The TV screen pops into static, and pops again, resolving itself into the image of the quintessential Talking Head.

It turns to study Valentine's image in a pic-in-pic box in the top right corner, then changes the pic-in-pic to an image of The White Stripes and begins to sing in a falsetto voice,

"Oh yeah you're pretty good looking for a girl/but your back is so broken/and this feeling's gonna linger on/until the year 2525 now..."

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"I don't suppose you're here to give me back my nanotech."

[every-daae.livejournal.com]

Christine stares at him in horrified wonder for a few moments. His answers to the application were frightening, but Christine had the very bad tendency to ignore what she didn't like about the world and replace it with something infinitely less terrifying and friendlier. After a few moments, she tilted her head to the side, nervously wound a stray curl of blonde hair around her finger, and inquired, "Oh, do forgive me, but... who did your stage make-up? The foundation is a bit too pale, but you look like the perfect villain in one of those new Gothic-style novels. Do you act in tableaus or in amateur dramas for amusement? Perhaps you sing?"

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"I did it myself, of course. I wouldn't trust anyone else, since knowing my contemporaries they'd have sooner slit my throat than help me apply mascara. It's a look I've been cultivating for years and I'm quite fond of it. I don't sing often, but back in my school days I was told I had a decent voice."

[wickednessa.livejournal.com]

Hello, I'm Nessarose Thropp, and I don't think this is hell. Why did you eat that flower?

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"What a lovely name. I've been assured that it isn't Hell, which is a relief in more ways than one. This flower is no ordinary rose. It's a masterpiece of the pharmaceutical arts, to be partaken of by a true master such as myself. I'm always willing to share, though any experience you have while on it is entirely your own business."

[ninth-doctor.livejournal.com]

"What kind of drugs do you have?"

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"Oh, just about every one known to the Empire and quite a few that are the inventions of the chemists on my payroll. Stimulants, depressants, hallucinogenics, battle drugs, sex drugs, and some that haven't actually been tested yet. A shame about the esper drug, though. It truly was an experience worth killing for."

[slothbefouler.livejournal.com]

I say, sir, you look rather ill. Perhaps you should spend more time outdoors.

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"If you're referring to my complexion, it's a skin dye. If you're referring to anything else... well, with all my myriad of chemical enhancements, most doctors seem to think I'm something of a medical miracle in that I haven't keeled over dead before now."

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

Ugh.

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"What a lovely little... thing. Does it bite?"

[lord-fanny.livejournal.com]

Goth is SO 1985, darling. But I might like to try some of your drugs.

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"1985? Please don't tell me that I've jumped back in time a couple of hundred generations. It'd be like something out of a bad holodrama. It's so nice to meet someone here who finally appreciates my lovely little playthings. Name your poison: hallucinogen, stims, depressants, sex drugs?"

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

I find you creepy. I know creepy, and you're it. But creepy's hardly a reason to squib anyone here, so what are you, exactly? You look a bit like a vampire--well, one of the more pretentious ones, anyway. Are you human? Demon? Animal? Vegetable?

((BTW, with his heightened senses, he might be able to see the Key in Dawn. Your call, of course. If he can, it's always a good way to freak her out, and that can be fun.))

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

"Why thank you. I'm a human, or I was born one, anyway. There are probably quite a few who would argue that I don't qualify anymore. I assure you, I'm not a vampire, nor a Wampyr, nor a plasma baby. Why drink blood when there are so many other, much more interesting substances to try?" He takes out his silver box and takes out a twist of paper, piling two small mounds of purplish powder on the back of his hand and sniffing at it enthusiastically. "Ah, much better. My dear, you're so green! Not my color at all, but it suits you so well. Care to see for yourself?" He holds out the paper twist to her.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Monetary compensation out? Not at all, sir! Not at all! However, a bit of scheming is a more ... creative sort of bribe. What sort of schemes did you have in mind? Oh, and this isn't Hell, by the way. It's Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which is a much more illustrious place, even if it hasn't been in existence quite as long as Hell.

[degeneratewolfe.livejournal.com]

A talking hat. He's seen much odder things both with and without drug-aided comprehension, so he takes it in stride. "Oh, I don't know. Anything to keep me occupied and amused. My previous schemes have involved the takeover of my Family to become its head, the mass-production of the esper drug, and making various deals with the official Enemies of Humanity to keep myself in power, if that gives you an idea of the stakes I like to play for. And I'm quite sure that I would much rather be a participant in this wonderful establishment than Hell. For one thing, I've been told that there are potions classes."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your ambitious plans are almost breathtaking! And you won't even stop at hiring yourself out. You are a true Slytherin, sir!

Your bribe has been accepted.

Welcome to Slytherin!