Application for the God of Coffee Enemas (OC SQUIBBAIT)

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Who needs cheese when you can have coffee? Cheese can be fattening. Lead to health problems and all that nasty-ass stuff. Speaking of asses, hows about a nice coffee enema while you're here?

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Oh, I wouldn't kill either of them. But I'd much rather give an enema to Barney than Carrottop. He's a dinosaur! You wouldn't believe all the problems he could have without a good enema! Plus, there's no way I'd put any amount of coffee into Carrottop.

3. What time is it where you are?
Time for some coffee! And an enema! At the same time, mmm!

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
...Giving everyone a coffee enema wouldn't be considered sexual harassment, would it?

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Le Malade Imaginaire. And the catchy, also witty thing in the window to draw people in would say 'Blowing smoke up asses since 1769!'

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Harry should give a coffee enema to both Fred and George. Whoever likes it the most should marry Harry.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
It's because you haven't yet given whoever gives you this work a coffee enema yet. Once you do, they'll feel much better and stop being an ass to you like that. Get it, because you gave him an enema, so he'll stop being an ass--okay, right, I'll stop.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
I am not useless! I know all sorts of recipies, and I know how to properly give an enema without doing damage to you!

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you.
I'll give you an enema. Full of coffee! Ah, nothing like waking up to the smell of a coffee enema. And that good jolt you get afterward!

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______cc______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _____cc______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____cc______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______cc_______"


((It is Prima's fault. Go blame her. Stop looking at me like that.))

Comments

[the-porncow.livejournal.com]

If Harry gives coffee enemas to Fred and George, will you tell me about it? Pretty please? And let me take notes?

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

Of course! Enema's should be shared by everyone. And if you take notes, then you, too, can learn how to do it safely and properly.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Wow. You're obsessed, mate. I mean, I've been told I'm obsessed with my bollocks (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/778548.html?thread=40616500#t40616500), but you've surpassed me. By far.

Erm, I haven't a clue where to Sort you. Sparklypoo, perhaps, just for the irony?

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

Do they need some good cleaning out and detoxifying in Sparklypoo?

[kusarigama-chan.livejournal.com]

Coffee? *perks up* Or do you mean actual coffee? I think real coffee is gross.


((OH MY GOD, this place, you people *fails* I love Hogwarts Hocus SO MUCH. You? Are made of the good crack, my friend.))

[waste-lock.livejournal.com]

And if you thought it tasted like shit before...

(http://photobucket.com)

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

((You mean there's a BAD crack?!))

Well, preferably (according to one recipie I know), it should be 2 to 3 tablespoons of fresh ground organic coffee (light roast) only. Of course, it must be added to distilled water, too.

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

...okay, now, I can see the attractions of coffee, and I can see the, um, not as attractive attractions of an enema. But what in the name of jumpin' holy catfish is the appeal of putting the two things together?

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

It's actually quite healthy.

[so-strong-sad.livejournal.com]

Coffee enemas? Oh, I don't know about that. Coffee makes me (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/caffeine) a bit hyper (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Hyperactive_Strong_Sad), or so I'm told. Wouldn't the effects be worse if I, you know, drank it from the other end?

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

You absorb more caffeine that way, actually. But it'll detoxify your liver! It'll soothe the muscles and all that.

[red-ambition.livejournal.com]

Well, that's the last time I'll say 'bottom's up' when drinking my morning coffee.

(http://photobucket.com)

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

You absorb more caffeine rectally than just by drinking it, didn't you know that?

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

You say 'bottom's up' to your coffee?

[miss-bunny-swan.livejournal.com]

Yuhhh, how much you charging for the coffee enemy?

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's completely free!

[homsarhomsar.livejournal.com]

DaaaAAAAaaaAAAAaaaAAAA! I was raised by a cup of coffee!

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

Wonderful! Did it give you regular enemas, too?

[whosneverbeen.livejournal.com]

Sort of the inverse of Kopi Luwak (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_Luwak), then?

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

I suppose...but I wouldn't recommend enemas with that kind of coffee, certainly.

[msgalindaupland.livejournal.com]

((Oh.My.God. I second Yuki-mun. This is made of win and sparkles and is running on lollerskates around the room. In short: LOVE.))

Galinda, being from a much different place, is a bit confused.
"Um, excuse me...what is an enema, exactly? Coffee's not my favorite drink, but it can be useful."

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

Oh! Yes, you have to know what it is! *excited* An enema (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enema) is when liquid is introduced through the anus to the rectum and colon!

[ringoate-mybaby.livejournal.com]

Why coffee?

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

Healthy, medical reasons. Good for the liver. Good for the gallbladder. Good times for all.

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

Dawn laughs. Normally, this kind of thing would freak her out, but she's no longer sexually frustrated, so everything's cool. "Why would I want a coffee enema?" she asks, still giggling. "Seems like a waste of perfectly good coffee to me!"

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

Because it's healthy! The best part of wakin' up is coffee up your ass, you know.

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

I have heard of this practice (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clyster), sure; it seems a waste of good coffee, mind. Standard enemata should suffice for medical purposes.

[buttbean.livejournal.com]

I suppose. But what about kinky sex purposes? It's not like people who do that find it weird to add some alcohol, so why not coffee?

Vote: Squib

[carri3-whit3.livejournal.com]

::enters room and reads application::

::eyes widen::

SQUIB!

You - you cannot be serious!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

This all sounds rather messy, if you ask me.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

((Did you want to have him reply to the Hat or did you just want him squibbed? And is he being turned over to the caretakers, or just stomping off in a huff?))

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Hmph ... going to ignore me, then? Fine! Consider yourself well and truly squibbed!

Your bribe has been rejected.

You have been squibbed!

Your must pack your bags and leave the Castle, immediately!