The Great Debate (Colbert and Strong Bad, semi-open in Great Hall)

[sbisawesome.livejournal.com]

Strong Bad did not know that lazy Sunday was for watching the Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia. He was hanging around campus wishing The Cheat would show up so they could plot some capers. Since The Cheat was not forthcoming, after a while he moseyed over to the Great Hall in search of melonade.

It was there that he beheld it. A stage. Equipped with a mic (some magical equivalent of one, anyhow; it must have been part of the magic karaoke system, but Strong Bad hadn't been around for the karaoke in the past, which was probably fortunate for everyone). Moved by homesickness, Strong Bad took the stage for an impromptu rendering of his national anthem ... the national anthem of Strongbadia.

"Come to~~~ the place where the tropical breezes flow~~~
Come to~~~ the coolest place I know~~~"

He nearly had to blink back tears because the song just wasn't the same without The Cheat accompanying him on the Casio.

Little did he know that one would soon appear who did not believe Strongbadia to be the coolest place he knew, or preeminent among nations!

Comments

[truthinesseagle.livejournal.com]

It so happened that the great Professor Colbert, believer in truthiness, justice, and America (which so totally pwned Strongbadia, so help him God), had decided to come down to the Great Hall in search of pumpkin juice. He was busy pouring himself a goblet (and trying very hard not to look up at the milk) when...

A song.

It sounded like the national anthem of some sort of country, probably one of the sort which produced for him such useful things as his "On Notice" board, laboring for a penny an hour under the hot sun. That alone didn't bother him: of course the absurd might revere their country, though everyone knew America was far more worthy of their worship.

What alarmed him was "the coolest place I know".

He spun around in alarm, pumpkin juice splashing about the rim of a goblet like flames on the Statue of Liberty's torch, and hurried over to this crime, this travesty, this pretense at worthiness.

Of course, it was fully possible that some tropical state of America was being referenced, but even so he had to make sure.

"You mean America," he said loudly to disrupt this profanity, his piercing eyes narrowing behind his glasses at the perpetrator of this song. It was not a question. It was not a drill. And he fully expected a meek "yes".

[sbisawesome.livejournal.com]

Strong Bad could not believe the audacity of this interloper, interrupting the noble anthem of Strongbadia. "America? America?" A look of recognition can't exactly dawn on a wrestling mask, but he did seem to register some kind of connection. "You mean Free Country, USA? (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Free_Country_USA) Man, where've you been for the last, I dunno, coupla years? Strongbadia is where it's at and has been ever since the days of yore, the dawn of the wireless web and energy drinks (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/colonization)."

[truthinesseagle.livejournal.com]

What could that mean? The suggestion that a country could be better than America was beyond lunacy; it was approaching heresy.

"I'm afraid you're mistaken," Colbert countered, eyebrows twisting into a challenging stare. "America is not only where it's at, it's where it always has been and always will be. No other country, no 'Strongbadia' - what kind of name is that? - could possibly compare to the beauty of the good ol', red-white-and-blue U.S. of A. We invented the wireless web, and energy drinks were perfected by us! We were stealing the fire from the heathen gods and spreading liberty and democracy while your little 'Strongbadia' was still a fledgling colony." He'd never heard of Strongbadia, and was no expert on the wireless web nor energy drinks, but his gut told him that he was correct in all his assumptions. "Not only that, but Jesus is rooting for us. We can't lose!"

[sbisawesome.livejournal.com]

Oh, that was it. This guy, whoever he was, was going down. Not that way!!

"First off, what do you mean 'what kind of name is that'?! Strongbadia is named after its benevolent leader, me, Strong Bad. Can't think of a better name than that. What's America named after, some chick named Erica? Who's neither strong nor bad?

"Second. Liberty? Strongbadia has got liberty in spades. Strongbadia was founded on the principles of liberty. The liberty to put ketchup on your eggs without being hassled by The Man. And we don't need to steal fire from any gods because if we want fire, we just go borrow a lighter from Bubs or something, because we're that technologically advanced. We even have a space program (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/space_program)!

"Finally, I'd like to see this Jesus guy take on Strong Mad (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Strong_Mad). We defeated the Homestarmy with nothing but a badminton racquet and we can defeat Jesus. Whoever he is."

[truthinesseagle.livejournal.com]

"Don't you know anything? It's named after George U. S. 'son of America' Washington, the proverbial demigod who led us in the liberation of our country! The man had a wig for his wig. He could kick you apart. When we were no more than a fledgling cluster of colonies, we were named the American colonies; however, with brave Washington's defeat of the Redcoats, we were free to pursue liberty and justice. In return for his might, the country renamed ourselves the 'U. S. of A.'" His gut told him it could have been so. And anyway, there was no point in not delivering a special brand of Truth regarding such a great man.

"Yeah? Well, where was your technology back where it counted--in World War II? Your country doesn't even have the balls to be over in Iraq. Our space program is better anyway. And we can put maple syrup on our BLTs if we so desire. The government'll be watching us do it, but who does that hurt?

"And Jesus could so totally beat your little angry friend. Even the venerable Doctor House, a well-respected man of the medical community known for his brilliance, could not match wits with Jesus, nor Hercules match His strength. Jesus is the Son of God. He could melt your badminton raquet with a glance."

[homsarhomsar.livejournal.com]

The broom closet was really not a suitable place for a game of Twister. And since Homsar was still in search of his office (he was pretty sure he was close to finding the West Tower; perhaps a few more days of blibbling up and down some of the staircases would do it) and Strong Sad had been awfully elusive about exactly where he was living these days, Homsar had to resort to finding a new location for himself and Strong Sad to have a round of the fun game of physical skill (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twister_(game)).

The Great Hall was large. And perhaps more people would want to join in the fun.

People like Strong Bad Reggie. And Stephen Colbert Connie.

How fortuitous!

Homsar blibbled excitedly up to Strong Bad and Colbert, Strong Sad plodding along behind him. To Strong Bad, he exclaimed loudly, "DaaaAAAAaaaAAAAaaaAAAA! Hi, Reggie! I'd introduce myself, but I see we've already met!"

He then turned to Colbert. "Hey there, Connie! You're an oldie, but goodie! Kashooooooo!"

[so-strong-sad.livejournal.com]

Strong Sad followed Homsar over to Strong Bad and Colbert, sighing deeply as he caught sight of the former. "Oh, you're here, too, Strong Bad?"

Immediately, Strong Sad began to look around for any hidden dodgeballs, or perhaps sharp objects lying face-up on seats. Not spotting any, he turned to Colbert. "Hello, I don't think we've met before. I'm Strong Sad." He continued to scan the room for anything that might cause him injury.

[truthinesseagle.livejournal.com]

"I am Professor Colbert, which of course you already knew. Are you another one of these ridiculous blasphemers that claims superiority to my mighty country?"

[so-strong-sad.livejournal.com]

"Actually, I didn't know that," Strong Sad said, his tone more curious than morose. "Homsar's a professor, too." And judging by what Colbert had just said, apparently incoherence with the English language was a prerequisite for being able to teach at Hogwarts.

"Well, I don't usually claim superiority to anyone, although I guess I'm pretty good at drawing and calligraphy. Better than most people, at least."

[truthinesseagle.livejournal.com]

Someone who didn't recognize him?! Shock! Horror!

"Never mind about that. Do you recognize America as the one true country of might and majesty, truth and liberty?"

[so-strong-sad.livejournal.com]

"Ummmm...." Strong Sad stood there, his arms flailing ever so slightly. This sounded like a loaded question, like the ones Strong Bad often asked him ("Do you prefer sharp or stinging sensations?" "Do you doubt that Strong Mad can throw a dodgeball at eleventy miles per hour?").

"Ummmm," he repeated. "I guess."

And then he braced himself. It might not be a swarm of bees or a dodgeball, but Strong Sad was sure something was going to come flying his way any minute now.

[truthinesseagle.livejournal.com]

"Excellent! Good job, young...thing...young...whatever you are. Young Strong Sad. Or patriot. We'll stick with 'patriot'."

[so-strong-sad.livejournal.com]

Strong Sad looked around, surprised. No sharp objects. No blunt objects, either. Not even the threat of a paper cut. In fact, his answer seemed to have been acceptable. He let out a deep breath that he didn't realize he had been holding.

"Uh, thanks." He wasn't really sure if he was a patriot. But it was better than Gron Sad or Buttface. "Are there any duties I'm supposed to carry out or something?"

[truthinesseagle.livejournal.com]

"Hmm. Always hold America as the greatest of countries, of course. Are you of proper age to serve the country in its military?"

[so-strong-sad.livejournal.com]

"Um, OK." Strong Sad typically didn't think too hard about his feelings toward any country, but if America represented a lack of pummelings, then he supposed it wouldn't be too hard to think of it as the greatest. It certainly was better than Strongbadia (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Strongbadia), anyway. A place whose main residents are an old tire, a stop sign, and a container of rotten Chinese food - it was utterly ridiculous.

"The military? Uh, well, I'm already kind of in a military. You see, Homsar and I served in the Homestarmy (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Homestarmy). Unfortunately, we were defeated in the Battle of Strongbadia (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/The_Battle_of_Strong_Badia), but we did do our part to ensure that no work is done on Labor Day (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Labor_Dabor), although that was really due to the valiant efforts of Homestar Runner (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Homestar) and Third-Style Private Frank Bennedetto (http://www.hrwiki.org/index.php/Frank_Bennedetto). I think I was at home practicing my analytical thinking at the time. Or maybe counting the number of times I blink in an hour." He stood there silently for a moment. "But I guess I could join another military, even though I prefer to think of myself as a pacifist."

[sbisawesome.livejournal.com]

"Not the freakin' Homestarmy again." Strong Bad rolled his eyes, but since his eyes were green polygons on a wrestling mask, the gesture lacked oomph. "We could vanquish you with our hands tied behind our backs. Or our boxing gloves or ... yeah. Anyway we could also kick Erica's butt too. Whoever she is."

[truthinesseagle.livejournal.com]

"A fifteen-year-old redblooded American girl could kick your idea of might apart, and that's not even taking into account what George Washington would do to you if he could get his hands on you. He killed for fun," Colbert intoned ominously. "And he could easily take you down with his hands tied behind his back and his eyes covered by cloth, and his legs bound. There's no saying what he'd do if he discovered you without such handicaps. He'd beat you up and be off with Lady Liberty in his arms before you could say 'uncle'.

"As for you," he added to Strong Sad, "of course you can join another military! I'll bet you'll get more work in the American army anyway - and you'll get to travel to exotic places and meet interesting people" (who want to kill you) and kill them. "Doesn't that sound exciting? Doesn't that appeal to your sense of adventure, to your love of y--well, to your love of America?"