Owls

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Dear Moony,

I want to apologise for being a complete and utter prat to you on the secrets board. It was bad enough that I had to do all this to you in the first place, but I earn extra arsehole points for cursing at you and being hostile when you were just trying to help and were taking the whole thing so well to begin with.

After I responded to your last message, I transformed into Padfoot and went down to the Forbidden Forest. At first, I was going to go running through there, maybe get myself good and lost so that I'd have a problem to solve, something to take my mind off all the confusing thoughts that were threatening to destroy me. But it just wasn't the same without you and Prongs, and it brought back too many memories of the year I lived there, and there was only so much I could take. (Plus, I heard some really strange noises coming from deep within. What are the new groundskeepers harbouring in there?) So instead, I went to the Quidditch pitch and just started running laps around it. When you run, you don't really have to think, and it kind of untied my mind and loosened up some of my tension. I don't really know how long I was there or how many laps I ran, although if my swollen, bleeding feet are any indication, then it must have been a lot.

After I could no longer feel my extremities and was starting to see large black spots in front of my eyes, I ran back up to the castle, transformed back, and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning, my feet were killing me and my throat was drier than during my worst hangover (I think you were there for that one--James and Lily's first Christmas party), but everything felt a lot flatter in my mind, if that makes any sense to you.

However, this still isn't resolved, Moony. I want to be honest with you, since you were upset that I had lied (although I still maintain that I did so for the right reasons and would do so again if I had the opportunity). You are quite a loveable bloke, you know, and if you don't believe me, I imagine you can ask Tonks. I don't know when it will be resolved. This isn't something you can calculate or predict. There are reasons, both rational and emotional, that I might be in love with you and reasons, again both rational and emotional, that I might not be. In a way, none of this really matters anyway, because it won't change anything. I'd never dream of coming between you and Tonks. And the fact is, you're my best mate and I know I can always count on you no matter what, even if I act like a complete wanker and do something childish like throw a tantrum at you on a secrets board. I can't say there's a whole lot I would want to change, even if I am in love with you. But I'd still like to know if that's the case, you know?

I also want to apologise for being crude about wanting to have sex with you...although, in all fairness, it was Tonks who started up all the talk about fucking you. She looks sweet, but apparently can curse with the best of us. She's definitely Andromeda's daughter.

Okay, I'm skirting the issue here. But I said I wanted to be honest, and so the truth is that I do very much want to have sex with you. That shouldn't come as a surprise to you. Of course, it's your call...and Tonks's, too. She said she wouldn't mind, but after my conversation with her on the secrets board (and I imagine you told her the contents of our screened conversation, which I have no problem with, for the record), I wouldn't be surprised if she felt differently, and I wouldn't blame her for feeling that way. But my offer will always stand, and I hope you will take it as a compliment rather than as a threat. And if you don't take me up on it, well, it was very nice to snuggle with you the day after the full moon, and I suppose I could satisfy myself with that. At the risk of sounding like a complete nitwit, I have to say that sometimes I think I just need somebody to hold onto for a while.

How about I buy you dinner and some drinks as a way to thank you for putting up with such a berk of a mate?

Padfoot






Dear Tonks,

I'm really sorry for being such a complete fuckwit under the secret you posted. I didn't realise it was intended for Remus (silly girl, he's in love with you), not me, and I shouldn't have even responded to it in the first place. That would have made everything a whole lot easier. If you ever want to disown me the way the rest of the family did, well, I'd have it coming.

I'm actually quite surprised that you wouldn't mind if I have sex with Remus (although I imagine you've likely changed your mind after my juvenile outburst on the secrets board; I imagine Remus filled you in on our screened conversation). It's probably not the best of ideas right now, since I'm clearly very confused about how I feel towards him, but...well...thanks! If I can ever return the favour to you (fucking Merlin, that sounds so wrong), just say the word. But you don't need to worry about him. He's downright crazy about you, and despite what's going on with me, I wouldn't change that for the world. I'm glad both of you are happy and that you're my cousin and he's my best mate.

Your arsehole of a cousin,
Sirius

PS How's the Animagus transformation coming? Do you need any more help?



((Oh, teh angst! Teh gay emo angst!))

Comments

[conriocht.livejournal.com]

Padfoot -

I appreciate your apology. I can't say I completely understand what you're going through, but I hope you get through it, at any rate. I suppose in my heart of hearts I don't comprehend why anyone would get so worked up about me, of all people - surely there are many more appealing objects for your affection at the school - but then, Tonks seems to tolerate me, so there must be some sort of appeal there. Perhaps it's my stunning fashion sense.

I would like to clarify what I said earlier. When I said you should view the situation with more objectivity, I didn't mean you should do research or analyze it like a maths problem. I simply meant that you needed to step away from the muddle you've gotten yourself in, so as to view the situation more clearly. In other words, you needed to calm down. Running around the Quidditch pitch seems to have helped, though in the future I might recommend something less damaging for your feet. Swimming in the lake might be more pleasant.

Although the thought of having sex with you (and possibly Tonks as well) has certainly crossed my mind, I'm afraid that - even though Tonks seems amenable - it would not be a good idea. We can say that it would be with "no strings attached," but I don't think I'm really capable of that any more (not being a randy teenager), and in your current state I think it would just make the situation worse. I'm sorry. I enjoyed "snuggling" with you also, though. There are very few people I feel physically comfortable with - it's basically just you and Tonks, and maybe Stephen a little bit - so I appreciate what physical (non-sexual) intimacy I can get. You are certainly invited to "snuggle" again after the next full moon, which is on 11 June, by the way. Mark your calendar.

I would certainly like to take you up on your offer of dinner and drinks. Name the time, and I'll be there.

Take care,

Moony

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Moony,

I daresay I deserve a good yelling at, and perhaps a few days of cold shouldering, too...so thanks for sparing me. See? One of the many reasons you're worth getting worked up about, mate. Sadly, your fashion sense is not one of them, although by the time Crowley and I get through with you, it just might be.

As much as part of me (most likely the lower half) does not want to admit it, I have to agree that sex might be a bad idea right now. I am far too confused, and I'm afraid it might incite me to a state like the one I was in while we were writing back and forth on the secrets board. Of course, there's always the possibility that it would put me in one of those Zen-like states Jim always used to talk about (yes, it really was Jim Morrison, Moony!), but I don't want to take that chance and possibly go mental on you in person. Maybe we'll just all re-assess after this is all resolved, whenever that may be.

I think I'll always be a randy teenager, Moony. I don't think I'll ever not want sex, especially with you. But snuggling will most definitely do. In some ways, I think it can be better than sex (but don't tell ever tell anyone I said that, as it might ruin my reputation!).

If I had a calendar, I'd mark it for 11 June, but since I have no desire to be that organised, I'll just keep it my head. Things that are this important I don't forget. And I promise I'll be sober this time.

Actually, there were some other interesting things that came out of the secrets board, but in the interest of suspense, I'll wait until our dinner to share them with you. Would sometime this weekend be good for you?

Padfoot

[vividtonks.livejournal.com]

Sirius -

It would be my bloody stupid secret that brought this all on wouldn't it, although I guess I don't regret posting it because now everything is out in the open. When I posted it I didn't think there would be any confusion - in all honestly I wouldn't have even imagined that you felt the way you do. I'm not angry at you (at least not anymore) so your stuck being part of the family. I admit I was pretty mad, though I'm not entirely sure who I was mad at. It's probably for the best that things happened in writing or there would have been yelling and throwing things. But that's beside the point, because I'm past that. It's pretty bloody clear that you didn't do this for fun. This isn't your fault, it isn't anyone's fault.

As for what I wrote about... well, I see now it was a bad idea. I mean, I wasn't thrilled about the idea when I wrote the secret, but I wanted him to know it wasn't a "deal breaker." It's just that I know the two of you have a past and a connection and I know how important you are to Remus. I feel like there's been this tension in him since you've been back and I thought maybe he needed to work it out that way. To get over it, I guess. Like I said, it was a bad idea. It's a good thing Remus puts up with crazies like us.

Take care of yourself, okay?

Love always,
Tonks

PS The transformation is coming along brilliantly. Talking to you really helped. I think in another week or so I'll be ready to go all the way. I'd love it if you were there when I do.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Tonks,

Thanks for being so understanding in the face of such grand idiocy. Clearly, the Black family bloodlines got diluted in you. Count yourself as lucky. I'd blame this whole mess on my inbreeding, but we all know that would just be a convenient excuse. I really was a git.

I guess it is better that everything's in the open, although I really was hoping to deal with this by myself and not drag you and Remus into it. I didn't expect any of this to happen either; it took me by surprise in a very mentally exhausting sort of way. But I think I'm much calmer right now, and I agree that it's for the best that it happened in writing, because I most definitely inherited the noble and most ancient temper of Black.

You think there's been a tension in Remus since I came back? What exactly do you mean? Whatever it is, I don't think it's about sex with me. For the record, I'm the one who wants that, not him. We do have a kind of comfortable intimacy with each other, but except for a couple of kisses during my Sorting, we haven't done anything in that respect. And it looks pretty unlikely that we will. And if you're uncomfortable with it, then I won't pursue it any further. I've been enough of an arse as it is.

And I'm very very sorry I made you angry. If you ever need someone to practice hexes on, I'll volunteer.

Sirius

PS I'm glad you're making progress on the transformation and that I could help. It would be an honour to be there when you finally hit it for the first time. Just say the word and I'm there.