Joachim Armster, Castlevania fandom

[joachim-armster.livejournal.com]

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

I can no longer eat cheese, I'm sure it would make me ill. What sort of discriminatory question is this?

From what I remember of cheese, which isn't much, the texture of stepped-in brains is similar to that of certain cheeses. I won't be putting either in my mouth any time soon, thank you.


2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

The human. I'd remove his sweet head for him, stroke his ginger hair, and tell him what a good boy he is. Oh, I'd like that, I'd like that very, very much.


3. What time is it where you are?

I've not seen the light nor felt the warmth of the sun for many long centuries. For me it will always be night...

Excuse me while I go pen a dreadful metrical composition and impale my wrists on something sharp. I've heard that's what juveniles do for fun these days whenever "darkness" is mentioned in any form.


4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Tonks has the most fascinating hair, I would dearly like to pet her. Her wolf friend too, if he won't bite terribly hard.


5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

The Guillotine. I have many ideas for bar entertainment.


B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Whichever one of them doesn't plan to imprison Harry in the water vein which is a fancy name for SEWER of their damned castle for all eternity.

Of equal importance, whichever one bathes more than once a decade. And doesn't cackle in bed. Nnghh.


C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

If you stopped imprisoning your servants on a whim, they'd be more likely to help you.


D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

I wield five swords with my mind alone. (Obligatory "I can kill you with my brain" comment goes here.) I'm adept at my own unique form of magic, with and without the swords and psychic abilities. And I never walk; I levitate, which is the best skill of all.


6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

I have all these nice crystals I could give, that may improve your health or stamina or grant you an interesting power, maybe protect you against certain ailments. I'm told with proper holes in them, they could double as "bowling balls."

Or you may peruse my treasured collection of heads (some little more than skulls now, alas) and choose a pretty one for yourself. I'm most happy to share. If you know how to listen carefully enough they'll even speak to you, but don't pay any mind to their filthy lies. They deserved it.

((ETA: When I signed in today and had 69 comments in my inbox, I snickered like a perverted brat. The Terry/Ryuuji screened convo wins for the leash idea alone. I hope they do give poor Alucard a leash for Joachim. XD))

Comments

warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

That bad, eh? *doesn't take Bene Gesserit training to detect the upset in Terry's voice* Family is tough. I'm so used to the entire Empire speculating on whether or not I'm going to hook up with my sister, I lose sight of the little things. No hard feelings? I mean, the robes would look good on you.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

My father was murdered. Batman's my mentor. And Irulan, according to you is a psychotic, baby wanting bitch. So yes, there are little subtleties.

So you have no plans of poisoning the cloth or teaching me a lesson on self awareness in Hogwarts that involves manacles or gags or anything else along those lines ?

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

Batman is your mentor, but you are also Batman. There's something in that. *thinking*

One of my famous sayings, the ones the pilgrims read now in their little books, is "There is probably no more terrible instant of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man -- with human flesh." Mine was betrayed by Irulan's father and he didn't exactly get to go down fighting. I built a shrine for his skull. The pilgrims ought to go there instead of coming to see my godawful monstrosity of a palace.

Why would I do that? I'm on vacation, remember?

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

Something mind breaking perhaps.

It's not an unwise saying. Mine didn't get to fight either. Well, much. What I saw made it seem like they were signs of a struggle, but I had an encounter with those responsible later on. They didn't do 'honorable fighting'.

The last person I let my guard down with in this place, turned my skin blue. I've been told not to eat or drink anything in this place if I don't know what's in it. So, given your family drama, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

We are, to a great extent, what our fathers made us; and for the rest, we're what we wish our fathers could have been, to save themselves.

If I'm flippant sometimes, it's out of a desire to counter that direness, the weight of one's ancestry. Another of my ever-so-sage recorded sayings *recites from perfect Mentat recall* : "The person who experiences greatness must have a feeling for the myth he is in. He must reflect what is projected upon him. And he must have a strong sense of the sardonic. This is what uncouples him from belief in his own pretensions. The sardonic is all that permits him to move within himself. Without this quality, even occasional greatness will destroy a man."

Greatness isn't in a robe, or a costume. It's within the self. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors. Which doesn't mean I don't want to see you in the robes.

I grew up with poison-snoopers over all our food. My universe has separate words for poison in food and poison in drink, the practice is so common. So I can understand that. But I haven't sensed any danger from the food here, and if someone fed me something like that, I'd probably just laugh it off. There's a pirate captain here who turned my hair green once. No big deal -- I changed it back. Vacation, you know. *dark look* As for my family, I guess I can't fault you for wanting to make sure that the grandson of the Baron Harkonnen isn't going to torture you for kicks, but I really don't like thinking about that too much.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

As if I even known who your grandfather is. Other than a bastard from a long line of bastards, all according to you.

And it wasn't turning blue that was...unpleasant. It was being scolded for trusting.

I understand flippant and occasionally irreverent. I know the history of the legend I'm a part of. I don't want to be crushed by it. Which is another reason why the scolding stung.

I'll send you a an owl (and that remains strange) and we can meet up sometime about the robes.

Oh, one promise about the fitting; if you're going to recite things like an audio recording, can it be poetry or something ? I can't quite see you as the wise old prophet.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

A bastard from a long line of bastards -- well, that's as good a summation as any, I suppose, if we don't want to get into the depraved details.

I don't think I could let someone scold me. Friendly reproof, yes. Scolding, no. I might have to take a brief vacation from my vacation if someone tried it.

*laugh that isn't quite free of bitterness* You're probably the only person in the universe who doesn't see me as a prophet, then. If the proverbs don't do it for you, I can break out the baliset and sing. "Aiyah, For I Am Like an Owl of the Desert" always goes over well at home.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

It's kind of hard to see you as a prophet when you're evading running away from your wife. Mostly for her own benefit I'd guess.

You're more like some rock star, quoting lyrics from his best sellers. And if that's the case, I'd rather have it be more poetical.

If you serenade me, we must do it in front of your wife. Cause I'm curious if she's thought of making deals with someone else in order to 'collect biological expression'.

That's probably the only conversation I'd ever have with her without wanting five feet of distance and a freeze ray in my had.

Of course if your singing is really awful, she'll just pity me

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

She knows she's playing a dangerous game. She's gambling that if she manages, somehow, to conceive, she can go renegade long enough to give the child over to the Bene Gesserit at the least. She wouldn't think that possible if she weren't a failed Bene Gesserit. The Sisterhood proper at least has the sense to try to negotiate with me. *now looks much more formidable than he's perhaps projected up until this point* "You do not beg the sun for mercy."

Of course, that's a prose saying, and you already said you didn't like those. A serenade could be arranged, maybe by moonlight. Except that if she knows I'm going to be playing the baliset, Irulan wears earplugs.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

It's not that I don't like the sayings, it's just that it makes you sound like...I mean, you're quoting yourself. And it's hard to take you seriously no matter how wise they are.

Of course, that could be because my mental image is you with a whip and chair going 'Back, back you mangy beast' and snapping at a stalking Irulan.

Again, not a prophet, but a rock star with a stalker.

How horrible is this baliset ? Maybe it'll just be enough to chase her out of the room. Is she rooming with you ? Cause how're you going to sleep ?

One quick needle plunge would be all it took. And -then- she'd start thinking about where to go and what to do, right ?

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

I only quote myself with utmost seriousness. *is obviously not serious*

Irulan as groupie ... hell, she'd do that if it meant getting her precious Imperial heir out of the deal. The mental image is chilling.

The baliset is awesome. Irulan just doesn't like it when I play the baliset because then I'm even more irresistible and she can't stand knowing she can't have a piece of this. And because I only play songs like "Aiyah, For I Am Like an Owl of the Desert" when she's around, nothing that you'd really want to listen to.

See, it's not that easy. I joke about Irulan and the turkey baster of doom, but the Sisterhood has an extreme aversion to artificial insemination, or really any artificial means. They feel that it's the first step down a slippery slope that would lead to the Tleilaxu axolotl tanks -- that's what's used to create clones and gholas. And for them, that's an abomination. Because, you know, it's ever so wrong to manipulate genes in a laboratory, but perfectly reasonable to do it via a breeding program that takes thousands of years to complete.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

You do realize that now you have to play me something different, right ?

That is effed up. Seriously, seriously effed up. It's the old fashioned way or bust ? Hmm, don't they have contraceptives in your universe ? And if I just stepped over a line, well you can get imperious at me and I can ignore you, but just not mention it again.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

That can be arranged. There's one about various kinds of girls from various planets that Gurney always liked to sing ...

You could call it old-fashioned. On the other hand, the same social changes that led to that also led to humans learning to do things they couldn't do when they relied on machines. *thinks about describing Mentats, decides against it for now*

And yes, we have contraceptives. My empire is, after all, a very advanced civilization. *rolls eyes, actually thinks the Imperium is rather barbaric in its own way* Was that imperious enough for you? *winks*

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

You're going to sing about strange alien women ?

I could and I did.

Well, contracept your way into no dna, then, Mr. Advanced Civilization. You keep making me think you should have a codpiece with a lock on it.

And I'm all a shudder with awe. Really I am. Do I bow down now or do I bow down later ?

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, all the women in the song are human. They just come from different planets.

You really think the future holds male contraceptives? Think again!

Or is this just an excuse to put me in a chastity belt?

Now, later, bowing is always good.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

Alright, I'll hear your bawdy songs of conquest.

Hey it's the future. I figured just maybe someone, somewhere said 'You know what would make life easier ? If men could take a pill..."

Right, chastity belt. I knew there was a word for it. And hey if the idea works...

Such. A. Rock. Star.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

I says something about me, I'm sure. That everyone I get along with in this place has some quantifiable measure of naughty, evil ambition in them.

Start a trend. Promise random people the key *sly smile*

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

*consults the memories of ancestors within* *grins and sings, pitching his voice for maximum swoonworthiness, but not command voice, not interested in manipulation * Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste ...

Hmmmm. Plans within plans within plans. But random people? The universe is replete with patterns.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

Paul ? Why are you impersonating Count Dracula in Vegas ?

Random as in people you decide.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

In honor of the applicant. I kid, I kid.

If I choose people, how's that random? Plus, when you have prescience, it's not like you can fool yourself by putting a lot of names in a barrel and fishing one out. You'll still know which one you'll pick. This plan needs some work.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[tomorrow-knight.livejournal.com]

You see the future ? I didn't realize that. By random I meant 'whomever you want' it could seem random to other people. But you don't -get- any surprises at all ? Ever ?

Like this next sentence is so five minutes ago ? That must suck.

Re: warded for Imperial secrecy!

[arrakis-savior.livejournal.com]

Eeeeexcellent. *rubs hands together in evil anticipation*

Have you ever known a rock star who'd wear a chastity belt?