Joachim Armster, Castlevania fandom

[joachim-armster.livejournal.com]

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

I can no longer eat cheese, I'm sure it would make me ill. What sort of discriminatory question is this?

From what I remember of cheese, which isn't much, the texture of stepped-in brains is similar to that of certain cheeses. I won't be putting either in my mouth any time soon, thank you.


2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

The human. I'd remove his sweet head for him, stroke his ginger hair, and tell him what a good boy he is. Oh, I'd like that, I'd like that very, very much.


3. What time is it where you are?

I've not seen the light nor felt the warmth of the sun for many long centuries. For me it will always be night...

Excuse me while I go pen a dreadful metrical composition and impale my wrists on something sharp. I've heard that's what juveniles do for fun these days whenever "darkness" is mentioned in any form.


4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Tonks has the most fascinating hair, I would dearly like to pet her. Her wolf friend too, if he won't bite terribly hard.


5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

The Guillotine. I have many ideas for bar entertainment.


B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Whichever one of them doesn't plan to imprison Harry in the water vein which is a fancy name for SEWER of their damned castle for all eternity.

Of equal importance, whichever one bathes more than once a decade. And doesn't cackle in bed. Nnghh.


C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

If you stopped imprisoning your servants on a whim, they'd be more likely to help you.


D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

I wield five swords with my mind alone. (Obligatory "I can kill you with my brain" comment goes here.) I'm adept at my own unique form of magic, with and without the swords and psychic abilities. And I never walk; I levitate, which is the best skill of all.


6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

I have all these nice crystals I could give, that may improve your health or stamina or grant you an interesting power, maybe protect you against certain ailments. I'm told with proper holes in them, they could double as "bowling balls."

Or you may peruse my treasured collection of heads (some little more than skulls now, alas) and choose a pretty one for yourself. I'm most happy to share. If you know how to listen carefully enough they'll even speak to you, but don't pay any mind to their filthy lies. They deserved it.

((ETA: When I signed in today and had 69 comments in my inbox, I snickered like a perverted brat. The Terry/Ryuuji screened convo wins for the leash idea alone. I hope they do give poor Alucard a leash for Joachim. XD))

Comments

[waste-lock.livejournal.com]

Of course skulls lie. They always lie. Horrible, disgusting lies. Just like people.

I don't know what kind of cheese you're thinking of, though. Brains are a lot squishier, especially when you step in them.

I'm leaning toward Bitchiwitch here.

[joachim-armster.livejournal.com]

That watery kind (http://www.tricor.org/media/images/CottageCheese.jpg) that doesn't seem like real cheese but is called cheese and I can't imagine anybody ingesting any, it looks like vomit. Depends on how fresh the brains are. Rotten ones tend to ooze and deflate when stepped in, and, and, *rather too excited* the squirming maggots are always a fun surprise...!

[waste-lock.livejournal.com]

That stuff is pretty gross. Not as nasty as ricotta, but still gross.

Even fresh brains are sorta wobbly, though. I don't know how anyone ever gets one out in one piece. I can't stand finding maggots, though. It's like watching people at a mall.

[joachim-armster.livejournal.com]

Ricotta is completely disgusting, that's true. If the other is like vomit, ricotta would be the bile.

Oh, that's easy! I'll show you, if you want. But I'll need to kill somebody or dig up a relatively fresh and intact corpse first. Maggots aren't that bad, the people are far worse. Besides, I think my pretty thoughts at the maggots and they burst, that's the best part of finding them.

Vote: Ravenclaw

[waste-lock.livejournal.com]

At least bile isn't grainy with chunky bits.

Next time we get a squib, you'll have to show me that brain thing. Or we could make a trip off-campus.

And of course people are worse, but the maggots remind me of people and that's not enough. But, maggotsplody?

(http://photobucket.com)

Can you do it with other things? Can you do it with, say, people's heads? Can you teach it? Headexplody was the only good thing about Heaven.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[joachim-armster.livejournal.com]

((Aw, he got a squee!))

With anything -- well mostly anything. Some are stubborn, and won't do it, and those will hurt if you don't stop thinking at them. Headaches for days with those, but sometimes they can be done later. I'll teach you! Can you do things with your mind already?

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[waste-lock.livejournal.com]

((Well, of course. HEADEXPLODY!!!! Not only is it a squee, but it's an in-context squee!))


Well, I did for a little while, but it was... um. A specialized sort of environment, you could say.