I'm a scholar!

[youngestbluth.livejournal.com]

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Mother doesn't allow me to eat cheese anymore, because I wouldn't zip her up yesterday. (She says it's really because I'm lactose intolerant, but she also said I was a Phenylketonuric when I wouldn't dress up like Little Boy Blue for Motherboy XXIII, and that was a prevaracation!) But if I could eat cheese, instead of having to sneak it through my twisty straw when she's busy touching Uncle Oscar's Linus talking to Uncle Oscar in the pantry, I would go with a very mild cheddar. Because it is roughly the same color as orange juice and tastes good after drinking orange juice.


2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Neither! I am a scholar, not a fighter! Well, except for when I went to Army. Then I was a fighter and not a scholar. Army made it hard to participate in my sleep deprivation experiments. So if I was still in Army I'd kill Barney. Because that's all Mother would let me watch on my twenty-fourth birthday.

3. What time is it where you are?

This is just a guess, because Gob made the clock move forward a few hours doing that magic trick for Barry. But I'm going to say....lunch?

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Probably Hestia Jones. I've been told I have a thing for old ladies mature women. If she ignores me like Marta did, then I would go for Molly Weasley because she reminds me of Mot. I like cookies.

Unless the Order of the Phoenix has a house-cleaning robot...does it have a house-cleaning robot?


5. If you are pushing to be in:

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

Probably because Kitty, Gob or Tobias is your personal assistant or secretary. And they've spent the day flashing their breasts at people, feeding paperclips into the paper shreder or reading Backstage in search of an audition, respectively. That's why Michael can't ever get to the bottom of his paperwork, usually.


6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.

Well...there's this hand chair I've got that's been bothering me ever since a seal in a yellow bow tie bit off my left hand...

Oh God. I'M A MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Comments

[csi-sara.livejournal.com]

You have got to be kidding me. You want to be in Ravenclaw?

[butlertron.livejournal.com]

Are you alright? You seem to be somewhat insane.

[youngestbluth.livejournal.com]

No, I'm not alright. Someone stole my juice boxes!

Make love in your own hand...

[neil-pye.livejournal.com]

Yeah, man. I totally agree. You should make love in your own hand. 'cept you tend to use up a lot of tissues.

Sex is for squares, man.

Would you like a cup of herbal tea?

Re: Make love in your own hand...

[youngestbluth.livejournal.com]

Herbal tea makes me chafe...

Is it apple spice?

Re: Make love in your own hand...

[neil-pye.livejournal.com]

uHM, yes. I do believe I have some back in my hut, right.

Come on.

*motions for you to follow*

[conriocht.livejournal.com]

*blinks* Oh dear. Squib.

[youngestbluth.livejournal.com]

You're voting squid?

[waste-lock.livejournal.com]

...did you ever do door-to-door surveys?

[youngestbluth.livejournal.com]

No, never. That would make my panic attacks come back with a vengeance.

[superwife-kenpi.livejournal.com]

"Fuh-meil-ka-ton-uriku"? Them's are Ravenclaw words! But since the active ravenclaws seem to dislike you, I shall withhold my vote for fear of my own safety!

[don-voldie.livejournal.com]

We seem to be attracting all the people with complexes here. *sigh* Yes, I would include myself in that as well, you needn't say anything.

I suppose if we squibbed people with 'issues', none of us would be here. Ergo, I suppose I will vote for you to go into Hufflepuff. You don't have the brains to go into Ravenclaw. You seem low-key and mannered enough not to be rude to a few of the other sorters. You're not brave enough for Gryffindor and you display none of the traits for Slytherin.

Helga did say she'd take the rest, though I don't think she was thinking of you when she said it. All the same, to the badger you should go.

[researcher42.livejournal.com]

Ah, what's the word I'm looking for here... No. Just no.

[dice-addict.livejournal.com]

prevaracation!)

I think that's "prevarication". Just a hint.

Apart from that, uh... I really think that you end up getting either squibbed or Puffed, since you have zero traits for Gryffindor, Slytherin and seem to have too severe a case of ADHD to fit into Ravenclaw.

...I'll be merciful and Puff you. Because I'm good like that.

[goddess-bell.livejournal.com]

What? No! You can't just put people in a House because they don't fit anywhere else!
I think someone unkind must have misdirected this young man to Hogwarts. Professor Dumbledore? Hat-san? May we have some assistance here?

[dice-addict.livejournal.com]

*blinks* But like don_voldie said, Helga Hufflepuff said she'd 'take the rest', meaning anyone that the other three don't want to teach. Doesn't that mean that Hufflepuff is the default state?

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

I should hope that an applicant would have at least some kind of magical ability or remotely redeeming quality even to be a Hufflepuff. I vote squib.

[dice-addict.livejournal.com]

...Point. I'm changing my vote to Squib as well then.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

What are you? You're certainly not anything magical!

[youngestbluth.livejournal.com]

I'm a good boy.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

I see.

I think I'll just sort you from this table, rather than the usual method. I don't think you're very good for Tom, and he's already not feeling very well.

[lil-tom-riddle.livejournal.com]

What's a hand chair?

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

I see this one's not answering you, either. I hope you are feeling better! Is there anything at all in there to absorb? He seems rather vacuous to me.

[lil-tom-riddle.livejournal.com]

There's not much. I can absorb energy even from a squib. But this guy doesn't seem to fit in anywhere. Not even in the 'other' four houses.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

I believe I'll squib him, then. I don't really think he has the proper magical abilities, or cleaning habits, for Hogwarts. There's better energy for you, elsewhere.

[kayewinnet.livejournal.com]

I'm voting squib too, you need to grow up.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Well, well, strange one. The community has generally squibbed you and Tom says there's not much here to absorbI quite agree with them.

Your bribe is not accepted.

You have been Squibbed!

You must pack your bags and leave the Castle immediately.

[magic-bluth.livejournal.com]

Buster! I've been here a week and didn't know you'd ever been here! (You can always tell a Milford man....)

Squibbed, huh? Too bad. I can show you how this 'application' thing is done... *leans back, looks smug* ... I'm gonna be in *spoken with genuine reverence* 'Sparklypoo'!