Application for the Bard of The Bard's Tale

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Listen, when it comes to food I take what I can get. My favorite cheese is the kind that’s free.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Unless there’s a good chance that killing them would win me coin and/or cleavage, I’m not interested.

3. What time is it where you are?

It’s light out. Beyond that I don’t really give a damn.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Wait, what kind of Order is this, anyway? They don’t have any Bodbs, do they? No? Well then, let’s see. Tonks is out because frankly I’ve had my fill of shape-shifting women. I might send a rat Mrs. Weasley’s way, as she’s probably not so fond of them anymore and ~ahem~ “saving” her from it might earn me a free meal. And after that I think I’d send the rat after that Fleur girl…

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

I do my best work in the dark, although, heh, I generally tend to the barmaids rather than the bar. I’m rather popular at the Drunken Rat, though the newly rebuilt Fat Lute may be having some rat problems soon enough.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Mythology, like marriage, can only lead to trouble. Harry should get out while he still can.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

Not my problem if you chose a career that requires you to do lots of paperwork. If it bothers you that much then why not switch to a career that involves no paperwork at all, like being the Chosen One? They don’t even ask for a drug screening and there’s always plenty of loot to be had off the bodies of ex-Chosen Ones.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Oh, well, I only saved the world once or twice. Never mind that I almost destroyed it first.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.

Well, I have a few tokens and trinkets that I’ve stolen picked up here and there. Let’s see, I have these Boots of Quickening, which supposedly belonged to some Highland warrior called Connor McLaihd. I’ve also got some firbolg armbands, a golden spyglass, a few amulets, some ancient books…pretty much anything you want. Or I could just play you a song. Your choice.

Comments

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Hmm. Sounds like a Gryffindor to me.

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

It sounds as though you have some special link with rats. Can you comment further on this?

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

Well, I can summon various creatures through music, and it was a rat that taught me how to do it. I met him while I was doing some extermination for a pub, and when I got to him the little bugger started pleading for his life in perfect English, which was surprising as I'd only had two pints that evening. Anyway, it turns out he was once a bard who got turned into a rat by some sorceress, and he offered to teach me how to summon him when I needed him in exchange for letting him live. I told him I'd do it, but if he ever spoke again I'd kill him before he finished his sentence. And d'you know, the little bastard actually said, "I agre-."

And we've been partners ever since.

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

What an inspirational tale! Do you have him with you now?

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

I can summon him right now if you like. ~strums lute, causing a large and incredibly foul rat to pop into existence~

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

*peers through spectacles* Fascinating! What have you been feeding him?

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

I haven't been feeding him anything. I'm not even sure if he can eat, though he sure can put away the ale. If he does eat, then I think I'm better off not knowing what he feeds upon.

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

I happen to be working on a monograph about the effects of alcohol on small primates, currently. What are the effects of alcohol on this rat? Does it induce him to speak more often?

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

Oh, no, he doesn't speak at all anymore. ~chuckles~ Mostly he just runs into walls and pisses in people's beer, not that they ever notice.

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

Should he make a habit of contaminating beer, he should not be welcome in Ravenclaw, at all. But then, you do not seem to me Ravenclaw material anyhow.

[late-born-myth.livejournal.com]

*raises her eyebrows a little at the "mythology, like marriage" comment, but...really isn't in a position to argue with that, actually*

I agree that you're probably a Gryffindor, but I wonder if you're aware of just how many members of my House, to say nothing of the school at large, have been called Chosen Ones. Because it's not that reliably appealing a job path, and if you're planning to loot stride over their bodies you may be in for some trouble.

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

Y'know, at first I was against the whole Chosen One nonsense, especially once I realized I'd been suckered into being one, but now I'm all for it. The more Chosen Ones there are, the less work I have to do. All I have to do now is stand back while a given Chosen One weakens/distracts whatever monster I'm supposed to be fighting, then step in and finish it off after the Chosen One gets killed. It's fast, easy and I usually get some nice armor out of the deal.

[kayewinnet.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, Gryffindor's where all the wanderin' adventure types go.

C'n I see the golden spyglass? It sounds pretty.

[goddess-bell.livejournal.com]

I agree with Kaylee! You clearly belong with the brave, lion-hearted Gryffindors.

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

Why certainly, M'lady. ~whips it out~ Beautiful, innit?

[kayewinnet.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's shiny, that is.

*Kaylee takes it from him and tries looking through it.*

[branaparthur.livejournal.com]

Hey, a musical man! You got a harp in all that gear of yours? I haven't played in a while, and da'll have my hide if I get lazy.

Give me a harp and I'll put you anywhere you want to go.

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've got a harp and you're welcome to it. I'll warn you, though, it has a summoning limit of two.

[branaparthur.livejournal.com]

A summoning limit? What? I just want to make music, not speak with demons.

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

Who said anything about demons? No, what you can do with this is play certain tunes to summon allies who can help you beat up your enemies. ~holds up harp~ Interested? I'll throw in a helpful tune, if you'd like.

[vividtonks.livejournal.com]

You sound like a Gryffindor to me. You've run into shape-shifting women before? That's, uh, rather unusual.

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

It was a very unusual set of circumstances. This princess I rescued turned out to be the queen of hell or something like that and didn't see fit to fill me in on that little detail until after I'd freed her. Not that it was an entirely unpleasant experience, mind (she was still pretty hot in her true form), but I have been a bit more careful ever since.

[vividtonks.livejournal.com]

Ah, well women are complicated like that I suppose.

[ginevram.livejournal.com]

You want to send a rat after my Mum? You should see what she does to rats! *smirks* Still, I think you probably belong in Gryffindor.

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

I'm sure it's a sight worth seeing. Not that it really matters if she kills him; I can always just summon him again.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Ah, another singer of tales! We must share a pint and discuss songwriting techniques some fine evening!

I'm not entirely sure I agree with the voters regarding your application. You sound a bit jaded for a hero. Unless the heroics have worn you down a bit. Tell me, in song if you wish, what was your motivation for saving the world?

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

Well, it's simple enough, really. I'd just gotten rid of the giant, fire-breathing rat in the cellar of the Drunken Rat (ah, the things I do for lust!) when I was cornered by this odd chap who'd given me a bit of magic earlier. He told me I was the Chosen One and that I had to save this princess. I told him to sod off, but then he summoned her--well, her spirit, anyway-- and well, she was hot. And, he assured me, very rich. Anyway, one thing led to another, and I ended up going on this quest to destroy three sorcerors and liberate Princess Caleigh. I came across many other "Chosen Ones" on my journey and managed to make off with their stuff, not that any of them were in any condition to object.

Anyway, I defeated the sorcerors, made lots of silver, accidentally destroyed a few towns and made it all the way to the final tower, where Princess Caleigh awaited her rescue. Only it turns out that the sorcerors I killed were actually the good guys, and she was the source of all evil in the land. I can't quite remember what I did next. I either ended up freeing her and ruling at her side, killing her and bringing peace to the land, or saying 'to hell with it' and going off to party with her undead minions who had spread across the land.

Now, as for a song, these little Trow kept following me around and singing at me. It was the same song every time, just with the words changed a little here and there. I can sing a bit of it, if you'd like.

~takes out the Shadow Axe, which is also an axe~ ~heavy metal blares out~

Oh, it's bad luck to be you
Don't think for just a second it's not true!
When you think you're full of luck
In the bullocks you'll get struck
Oh, it's bad luck to be you!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

A singing axe? What a wonderful invention!

*sings along* Oh, it's bad luck to be you!

I like this little Trow's song very much! So, you saved the world in order to get laid, hmmmfor a fair Princess. Well, that is quite noble of you. I should probably sort you in with the rest of the noble lads and lasses, then. I'm a little concerned about your memory loss, though.

[thebardstail.livejournal.com]

It's not exactly a singing axe, it just serves as a very odd guitar sort of thing. I have got a talking, singing bastard sword, though, and you can have him for free.

~sword pipes up~

Look here, it's not my fault your swordsmanship isn't up to scratch! Even my last master was better than you, and he got disemboweled by finfolk!

~the Bard roughly shoves the sword back into his pack~

Y'know, the novelty of having a talking sword wears off right quick once you realize that it never. Shuts. Up.

Anyway, here's another song you might enjoy.

Beer, Beer, Beer (http://s44.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1GHQ0BNO2735W3SAPJPUH23OF3)

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

*dances and sings along with the beer song, very merrily*

Does the sword truly never cease talking? That would be an annoyance. At least I know when to keep my slit shut! It isn't often, of course, but I do know when it is! I'm afraid I'll have to pass on the sword if it's that vocal. The Founders may have emerged, but they will still be distressed by a constantly talking and singing sword! However, I do believe your bribe of songs is quite sufficient.

You know, Godric would like that song very much. I believe I'll go on and sort you into his House. We must all go out to the local tavern and trade tales sometime!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Into the House with the Chosen Ones you go, Mr. Bard! Do look my Owner up, as I believe you two are kindred spirits!

Your bribe has been accepted.

Welcome to Gryffindor!