Application for Hit Girl, from Kick-Ass (movie)

[gdcallbabydoll.livejournal.com]

_{((Hit Girl is taken from the end of the Kick-Ass movie, please expect super spoilers, extremely foul language, and violence without much provocation. All attacks will be mun-approved, please specify if you want her to bring the hurt.))}


After eleven years of being shot, beaten, stabbed, knocked around, and receiving general ass beatings for the Greater Good, Mindy Macready decided that six months of mundanity was way too fucking much.

She didn't learn how to be a goddamn superhero just so she could sit around and learn about American History.

Sure, the tiny, starved button of conscience she still retained shriveled at the thought of going back on her word and donning the mask, wig, and kevlar of Hit Girl, but there were bad guys out there, and Kick-Ass had retired is stupid cockgobbling ass to bang his gooey-eyed girlfriend. Red Mist, that failure of villainy, was still out there somewhere.

In her book, Big Daddy's ghost would not settle until everyone in the D'amico crime family was rotting in the river of shit. Hell, what's the worst that could happen? No ice cream for a week? No rottweiler for Christmas? She could deal, and so could Marcus, who really took the whole legal guardian thing a little too seriously.

Okay, so the worst that could happen was that she could die, but she didn't plan on doing that anytime soon, and she seriously doubted that Red Mist had the balls or the resources to take her out.

Finding lower-teir drug-runners was the ultimate in ease; they always gravitated to the same crappy apartments in the same ghetto neighborhoods. You think they'd learn, now that superheroing was starting to get more popular, and try changing things up a bit.

But, she couldn't complain if people liked making her job easier.

So it was with great enjoyment that she turned herself into a 95-pound projectile through the skylight of a crack den. With massive joy she uttered her battle cry, and with extreme confusion she landed among the glass on a stone floor not among the presence of the various scum and villainy of New York.

"What... the fuck?"

She stood and turned cautiously, balisong in one hand, out and balancing a .380 ACP across her wrist. Door, window, tapestries... where the fuck had she landed?

Hit Girl backed up against a wall and sidled to the window she'd jumped through, glancing out. She forgot herself and stared, shocked by how suddenly the landscape of New York had turned into the landscape of some woobie little kid's picture book, with rolling hills and big trees and other useless, ridiculous shit. What, had she blacked out and dropped into Central Park?

Frustrated, she did another circuit of the room, noticing finally the little table and chair, and the pen. She approached carefully, watching the pen... quill bob up and down. She glanced warily at the ceiling to catch whatever string was holding it up, and cautiously ran her balisong through the air above it.

Huh. No strings.

She stared at the bobbing pen a little longer, then holstered the .380, keeping the balisong at ready just in case, and leaned over to read the paper.

State your full name.
She scowled. Superheroes never, ever revealed their secret identity. Never mind that she had to Kick-Ass; he was too stupid to try betraying her again, however inadvertently.

"Hit Girl," she growled, and spinned the balisong around her fingers as she watched the pen move of it's own accord, taking down her words. Apparently this place, wherever it was, was balls-deep in the anus of weird.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Hit Girl rolled her eyes at the paper, ignoring the futility of physical sarcasm at an inanimate object, and muttered "I like Kraft."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Oh, hey, that was a question she didn't mind answering.

"Barney's too easy a target; he's too slow to run in that big suit. I'd hit Carrottop first, take him out quick and quiet like. He's strong, but muscles don't stop bullets." She snapped the balisong closed with a sadistic little grin. "All that shitty comedy is a damn crime, if you ask me."

3. What time is it where you are?

"Like Nine thirty," she scowled, "and I'm overdue to kill some assholes."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

She did a double-take at the question, and read it back aloud to herself, incredulity growing in doubles as she did. "Who would I- What the fuck. I'm fucking eleven years old. Why the fuck would I want to sexually harass someone?" As long as you didn't count shooting gangsters while in a mildly provocative schoolgirl dress as sexual harassment, that wasn't her MO. Ever.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

She almost bitched about again: eleven, but stopped herself, and smiled just ever so slightly. "Big Daddy's," she said, "and it will be the darkest goddamn bar you could ever want."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Hit Girl rolled her eyes again, and sighed. "Okay, I'm cool with the homo thing. I mean, Kick-Ass was like ninety percent gay and that's not the reason I think he's a useless cock, but if you can't make a choice on your own, I'm the last goddamn person you want to ask for advice." Her brand of advice being 'make a fucking decision or I'll stab your ass for being a moron.'

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

She snorted. "Paperwork is for mundanes. If you don't want paperwork, get another job."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Hit Girl scowled, feeling more than a little personally offended at the implication that she might be in any way useless. Rather than let the pen answer, she swirled the balisong and used it to cut into the paper: 'I am Hit Girl. I can't see through walls, I can't fly, but I will kick your ass.'

That seemed good enough.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"Oh, for- god. Fine. Okay, I'll play this stupid ass game." She took one of the stun grenades from her belt, and set it on the table, followed by smoke, incendiary, and one traditional grenade. She didn't like giving up her toys, but it wasn't like she didn't have a surplus back home. As long as Marcus didn't look in her closet.

"I can spare those. No one touches my ammo, my guns, or my knives, or so fucking help me someone is going to get their ass kicked." Then she muttered under her breath, "stupid cunts."

At least there were no more questions. She crossed her arms and waited, her back to a corner, glancing between the door and the windows, waiting for all this jackassery to make sense.

Comments

[runaway-stark.livejournal.com]

((XD I was just thinking we needed a Hit Girl. Sociopath children FTW. Also, question: would you prefer Hit Girl or Mindy Macready as her tag?))

Weird outfit. Weird hair. But here was someone Arya could understand. Eleven years old, apparently a girl, and laden down in weapons. "What are those?" Arya asked, motioning to the things Hit Girl had set on the table. "We don't have those where I'm from."

[gdcallbabydoll.livejournal.com]

_{((I had to; she's just so much epic in a cute little badass package. And let's keep it as Hit Girl, since that's essentially who she identifies as.))}

Hit Girl squinted at the other kid and glanced around, to see if someone was sticking around the corners of the room, waiting to deliver the punch line to this awful joke. But the kid seemed serious, no matter how absurd it was for anyone in this day and age not to know what a hand grenade was on sight.

She pointed to them in oder, and spoke in the same tone she used with Kick-Ass and small children. "The yellow one, the one that says stun, is for stunning people. Grey is for smoke, red for fire, and green for explosions." She chewed the inside of her cheek, still unsure of the seriousness of this conversation. "You're sure you've never seen a grenade before?"

[runaway-stark.livejournal.com]

Arya glared at the girl. "I'm not stupid. I'm just not from here." She considered the devices, wondering what would suit her uses. Stun wasn't good enough. Exploding was better. Even if it wouldn't kill anyone here, it would certainly slow them down. "I want the green one."

[ringo-raver.livejournal.com]

"Oh, no fair! How am I supposed to see your name if you wear that?" Ryuk reached for Hit Girl's mask.

[gdcallbabydoll.livejournal.com]

"Fuck off," she snarled, whipping the balisong at the... the... retard in the jackoff costume's wrist. No one ever, ever touched the mask.

Big Daddy gave her that mask. It was hers.

[ringo-raver.livejournal.com]

Ignoring the balisong (human weapons can't hurt him, remember?), Ryuk tugged once on the mask. "Aw, it's stuck, never mind then."

[12panelwonder.livejournal.com]

"Bait yourself for pedophiles so you can kill them? Like that one movie. I forget what it's called."

So does the mun, actually. That thing with the Juno chick before she was the Juno chick.

[gdcallbabydoll.livejournal.com]

"Heh, I remember that one. Bad Candy, or something." She grinned, and swung her legs. "Ain't gonna lie; it was pretty inspirational. But I don't really stick on pedos. I've got bigger fuckheads to fry."

[12panelwonder.livejournal.com]

"Suit yourself. Do you mind if I...?" Matt asked, holding up his pack.

"So why did you go into crime fighting in the first place? Not many kids have the resources to do so."

ooc: no movie title naming, pls

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

((Guys, not to rain on anyone's parade, but let's keep the fourth wall intact. Yeah, it seems like an obscure canon, but we have lots of people from obscure canons here.))

[tallyhopippip.livejournal.com]

"Oh, how cute! The little girl thinks she's a soldier!"

[gdcallbabydoll.livejournal.com]

"Aw, how cute," she replied in a more than slightly snotty voice. "A condescending grown-up whose mentality panders to the delusion that all children are innocent and incapable of violence. I guess someone's never heard of Waterloo, or the Spanish Civil War, or the youth movement of the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising. Or, my personal favorite, the Khmer Rouge."

Okay, so maybe the history classes weren't completely useless, but she still gave Big Daddy the credit for most of that knowledge.

[tallyhopippip.livejournal.com]

"Well, Waterloo happened before the silly French became our friends, but that doesn't count. And I don't even know what the others are."

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

"Pretty knife," Maia comments, looking the girl over with some measure of appreciation. Maia's not an especially good demon, not anymore, and it shames her to think that this eleven-year-old would be so much better at it than she. Still, even though any weapon thrown at her will cause no damage (thanks, demonic powers), she doesn't want to get on the bad side of this...'Hit Girl'.

[gdcallbabydoll.livejournal.com]

Hit Girl smiled, recognizing the appreciation in the woman's voice. "It's got a twin," she said, flicking the second balisong out of its holster at her hip. "Big Daddy got 'em for me for my birthday. You wouldn't believe how smooth the action is."

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

"Yeah?" Birthday? Is she from an alternate Hell dimension? "He your actual Daddy, or of the sugary persuasion?"

Hey, no shame. Maia would totally understand one of those. In Hell, it's a bit like prison--you don't have a protector, and you're dead meat. She supposes she ought to be grateful that Leela and Rufio took her under their wings.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"You sure got a stick up your ass for eleven," I say, leaning against a wall. "Who you gonna blame? Mommy or daddy? Or you an orphan and the world owes you?"

[gdcallbabydoll.livejournal.com]

She snorted, distracting herself from the orphan comment with derision. What was it with dudes and gay leather getups in this place? "The world doesn't owe me anything. For all I care, the world is made up of either useless assholes, slightly less useless assholes, and the fuckers Big Daddy and I need to end. So yeah, you could say I've got a pretty specific stick up my ass, and when my job is done, I might go back to being a mundane, maybe prance around in faggoty fetish gear like you."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"So, you're a useless asshole with a daddy fetish who does what a slightly less useless asshole tells her to do?" I say sweetly. What a bitch.

[waste-lock.livejournal.com]

It would seem that the newest applicant was a very small superhero, of the anti-hero persuasion. Even if Nny's view of the world were less skewed, he'd been at Hogwarts long enough for that to seem routine.

"Nice arsenal," he commented. "Nice knifework." She certainly flipped the balisong with practiced ease.

[gdcallbabydoll.livejournal.com]

"Oh, this?" She looked down at the various weapons strapped to her person, and shrugged. "This is just a few tools for light work. You should see what I've got at home." She had the feeling... okay, more than just a feeling, it was like big neon letters followed the guy around screaming 'THIS GUY KNOWS HIS SHIT,' that he'd get a kick out of the gatling rocket pack.

[waste-lock.livejournal.com]

The smile he gave her was one that most people didn't live long enough to be scared of. "If you've got any sort of supply, you wouldn't be able to carry it all. Good idea to always have enough on hand, though. You never know when you might need to do a little," his grin broadened, "Light work."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"I am the Hat! I can't dance, I can't walk, the only thing about me is the way that I talk!"

[gdcallbabydoll.livejournal.com]

"I..." Hit Girl stared. So there had been a floating fishman, a demon, a psycho-killer... and a talking hat. this was just as bad as being stuck in an underground comic.

"I see," she managed.

Slytherin!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Slytherin!