Application for Mordichai Black: Julie Kenner's Aphrodite series

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

Being unexpectedly transported to an unfamiliar castle wasn't the most inconvenient thing that had ever happened to Mordi, but it was going to put a crimp in his afternoon plans.

He looked like a businessman who'd been dressed by Batman. Mordi's fine Italian suit was offset by a flowing cape and binoculars clipped to his belt. "Hello? What's going on?" He looked around for the person who had teleported him, but didn't see anyone. Maybe they had the power of invisibility, along with teleportation.

Then he saw the paper on the table, and the feeling of confusion drained away to exasperation. "Paperwork," he sneered. Even on a good day, Mordi radiated smarminess and condescension. The sneer wasn't anything special. "You brought me here for paperwork?" The "you" being the Venerate Council, of course, but on closer examination there didn't seem to the multiple forms (all in triplicate) that were the hallmark of the Council's paperwork.

Knowing that if he blew off this form, there'd be even more down the line, he hunkered down and filled out the questions.



State your full name.
Mordichai Black

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Swiss. Why is this even on here? Whose business is it what cheese I like?

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Killing mortals is bad. I am not my father's son.

That was either the worst trick question of all time, or Zeus forbid, enough people had considered the proposition to warrant a question on some random form.

3. What time is it where you are?
10:13 He'd had to sneak a peak at the monstrosity of a watch on his wrist. Knowing the time wasn't one of his superpowers.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Seriously? He left that one blank. There was no way any sort of answer was going in his record.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I suppose that 'Black' isn't clever enough. What about Protectors who can't see in the dark? Whoever authorized this question needs to be reprimanded.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
You want mythology to bolster claims for marriage? That was not exactly our ancestor's strong points.

He decided this must be some sort of test, maybe to see who had read the latest handbook. Except these were things every superhero should have known since childhood. Even Halflings like himself and his cousin had had the rules drilled into their heads from an early age.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Because you're disposing of the white form, but keeping the pink, yellow, and chartreuse ones. Sometimes the Council was predictable.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
What did that mean? At a loss, Mordi wrote down his powers. I'm a pyrokinetic shapeshifter. I've passed all of the standard requirements for Halflings on the Council. For specifics, please see my personnel file.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Thinking it was another trick question, he left it blank. When the inevitable enlightenment came, he would offer lots and lots of money as a bribe.

((I have permission from Simon Tam's mun to use the same PB. Meta is encouraged.))

"I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ___MB_________
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____MB_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____MB_______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _____MB________"

Comments

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

"If I'm wearing my face and you're wearing your face, then we've got a bit of a problem." Some Protectors could see through a shapeshifter's change, and while normally he cursed that power, right now he'd really, really welcome it.

[superfraternal.livejournal.com]

Simon blinked. "With all due respect, I'm not the one who just claimed to be a shapeshifter." He waved the application lightly -- not in Mordi's face, mind, but calling definite attention to the document. "How does it work?"

Shapeshifting, that was.

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

The look questioning Simon's intelligence came back. "Even shapeshifters have normal faces. This one's mine."

He rolled his eyes, but gave Simon a demonstration. Mordi shifted into a black Lab. His clothes always shifted with him, which made life much more pleasant for everyone involved. He could shift into anything except aquatic animals, which were his brother's specialty. The only giveaway were his green eyes, which stayed the same color no matter which animal he was. He could also shift into other people, but admitting that would damage his argument that he wasn't stealing this guy's face.

Then Mordi the human was back. "So what are your powers?" he asked.

[superfraternal.livejournal.com]

((adores icon. black Labs = love))

"I'm a doctor," said Simon. "Not as valuable to society as the ability to turn into a dog, but I like to think I make a difference." Or made a difference, before Hogwarts.

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

"And you've always been a doctor." Not, say, a mad scientist turned doctor. Which would explain the face-stealing thing.

[superfraternal.livejournal.com]

Simon made a sound that might suspiciously resemble a snort. "No, I had to go to medical school first."

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

Mordi's looked suggested that Simon wasn't nearly as clever as he thought he was. "So, doctor, do you have any explanation for our remarkable similarities?"

[superfraternal.livejournal.com]

Simon badly wanted to say: I was here first. But he didn't. It was remarkable, a dispassionate little corner of his mind observed, how someone with his face could bring out the childishness in him. Don't copy me, and all that. He'd never been like that with his own sister, and had pitied children whose sibling relationships were less idyllic than his own.

Maybe it was like catching chicken pox late in life. Worse, the older you caught it.

"If there's an explanation," he said, "I'm not the one who ought to be giving it. Do you know where you are?"

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

"Where exactly, no, I don't know. I can only guess that I'm in a castle owned by somebody with too much money and a penchant for the dramatic." Actually, this looked like the kind of lair that his father was fond of, and he still half-expected Hieronymous to walk around the corner any second.

"As for why, I'm guessing that I accidentally left item 21-c appendix B blank, and this is the form required for it being overdue."

[superfraternal.livejournal.com]

Simon listened. The bit about the castle was unsurprising; the bit about forms didn't match anything in Simon's experience, but he got the bureaucratic gist.

He thought about correcting the man.

Instead he said: "Good guess. You're exactly right." And strolled away (without voting, of course).