Application for Mordichai Black: Julie Kenner's Aphrodite series

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

Being unexpectedly transported to an unfamiliar castle wasn't the most inconvenient thing that had ever happened to Mordi, but it was going to put a crimp in his afternoon plans.

He looked like a businessman who'd been dressed by Batman. Mordi's fine Italian suit was offset by a flowing cape and binoculars clipped to his belt. "Hello? What's going on?" He looked around for the person who had teleported him, but didn't see anyone. Maybe they had the power of invisibility, along with teleportation.

Then he saw the paper on the table, and the feeling of confusion drained away to exasperation. "Paperwork," he sneered. Even on a good day, Mordi radiated smarminess and condescension. The sneer wasn't anything special. "You brought me here for paperwork?" The "you" being the Venerate Council, of course, but on closer examination there didn't seem to the multiple forms (all in triplicate) that were the hallmark of the Council's paperwork.

Knowing that if he blew off this form, there'd be even more down the line, he hunkered down and filled out the questions.



State your full name.
Mordichai Black

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Swiss. Why is this even on here? Whose business is it what cheese I like?

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Killing mortals is bad. I am not my father's son.

That was either the worst trick question of all time, or Zeus forbid, enough people had considered the proposition to warrant a question on some random form.

3. What time is it where you are?
10:13 He'd had to sneak a peak at the monstrosity of a watch on his wrist. Knowing the time wasn't one of his superpowers.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Seriously? He left that one blank. There was no way any sort of answer was going in his record.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I suppose that 'Black' isn't clever enough. What about Protectors who can't see in the dark? Whoever authorized this question needs to be reprimanded.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
You want mythology to bolster claims for marriage? That was not exactly our ancestor's strong points.

He decided this must be some sort of test, maybe to see who had read the latest handbook. Except these were things every superhero should have known since childhood. Even Halflings like himself and his cousin had had the rules drilled into their heads from an early age.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Because you're disposing of the white form, but keeping the pink, yellow, and chartreuse ones. Sometimes the Council was predictable.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
What did that mean? At a loss, Mordi wrote down his powers. I'm a pyrokinetic shapeshifter. I've passed all of the standard requirements for Halflings on the Council. For specifics, please see my personnel file.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Thinking it was another trick question, he left it blank. When the inevitable enlightenment came, he would offer lots and lots of money as a bribe.

((I have permission from Simon Tam's mun to use the same PB. Meta is encouraged.))

"I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ___MB_________
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____MB_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____MB_______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _____MB________"

Comments

[superfraternal.livejournal.com]

This was Hogwarts.

And the man did say he was a shapeshifter. Right there, under question 5D on the application.

So why did Simon feel so completely taken aback? It was the cape, he told himself. A doppelganger in a nice button-down vest would have been more his speed. A cape over a business suit? So not on.

Yes, it was definitely the cape that brought on this sense of profound wtf.

He offered a polite smile. "Is a pyrokinetic shapeshifter much different from the standard garden-variety shapeshifter? Other than having the power of pyrokinesis." Are you wearing that shape on purpose or do you ordinarily look like a fashion-backward iteration of me? he purposely did not say. It took effort -- Simon was one for blurting out things at inopportune moments -- but he managed.

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

Mordi hadn't been paying much attention to who had come in until he turned an are you stupid? look to Simon. At that moment they looked very much like twins, down to the identical expressions of wtf?

"Is this some kind of joke?" he asked. "Don't tell me this whole castle thing is some sort of an elaborate prank."

[superfraternal.livejournal.com]

"I think the verdict is still out," said Simon, a momentary wryness battling the expression of wtf? with ultimate lack of success.

Shapeshifter -- maybe taking on the appearance of whomever he saw? A kind of camouflage? Maybe the man wasn't even a human shapeshifter (was that an oxymoron?) but some sort of alien being. Or maybe it was, well, an elaborate prank.

He didn't know what to think, or how to feel about it, really. "We don't know the ultimate nature of the castle. People here tend to do best adopting a pragmatic and short-range view. Um ... do you look like this often, or only for the day?"

[omg-sunflora.livejournal.com]

"What's a pyrokinetic?" Sunflora said that last word slowly, as it was a confusing one.

And yeah, Sunflora would not be pleased with the answer. Which is why the mun made her ask it.

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

In response, Mordi held up his hand. A ball of flames appeared in his palm. "I can summon fire."

[omg-sunflora.livejournal.com]

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Sunflora shrieked, jumping backwards. "I DON'T WANNA BE ON FIRE!"

[vislor-turlough.livejournal.com]

"Well, you better not set anything outside on fire if you value your limbs." Turlough said, glaring from the doorway.

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

"Trust me, wanton vandalism does not rate very high on my list of things to do," he said dryly. "Who's threatening to take my limbs off?"

[vislor-turlough.livejournal.com]

"I am. I'm still authorized to punish troublemakers." Whether Hagrid really did give him the authority to do so of if Turlough's bullshitting, who can say?

[soggynotecards.livejournal.com]

"Mortals?" Demyx looked a bit confused at this, and tried to figure out if this was any god he knew of. Shapeshifting didn't rule out many. Pyrokinesis... Hephaestus or Apollo, maybe? But Apollo didn't dress in black and Hephaestus never could get rid of that limp. "You're a god? Or just someone weird?"

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

Mordi was thrown for a loop, because anyone he would have expected to talk to would have known what a mortal was, that he wasn't a god, and certainly not weird by Protector standards.

Unless this man was a mortal himself, and not one of the ones employed by the Mortal Liaison Office. In which case, shit.

"Weird," he said, trying to do some damage control. "Just weird, that's all."

[soggynotecards.livejournal.com]

"I'm just trying to figure this out, 'cause you certainly don't look like Hephaestus or Apollo and I don't know what other gods would be pyrokinetic."

[chance-silvey.livejournal.com]

Chance didn't get so far as to read the application. She saw Simon, in the sorting room, wearing a flowing cape and binoculars.

"What the fuck? Have you finally had a psychotic break?"

Immediately she regretted saying this to him. However she might feel about him in general, once upon a time Simon Tam had been very good to her when she'd undergone some mental trauma herself. Not that he remembered that, or anything, but it still mattered to her.

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

"Um. Yes."

Mordi had now been clued in to the fact that the Council had nothing to do with this, and had written sensitive information on a form that had conveniently magically replicated itself for everyone to read. It was by no means as bad as some of the incidents he'd been in (fireballs at SeaWorld, anyone?) but he needed to cover it up. If his dignity had to be sacrificed, so be it.

"I'm insane. That stuff on the form is all made up. Pay no attention to it. Or me."

[chance-silvey.livejournal.com]

For a second it looked like Chance was about to do just that -- pay no attention: turn around and leave. She did turn around.

Then, reluctantly, she turned back.

"Much as that appeals," she said flatly, "I can't do that." She owed him better than that. Owed the previous Simon, maybe, but at some level they were the same, even she had to admit it. Was the Dancy Flammarion of her dream/memories a different person than the Dancy Flammarion she'd seen in a Florida madhouse? It'd be more comfortable to think so, more comfortable by far, but Chance's gut knew the answer, however her brain might try to equivocate. Same with popcorn. People who'd been popcorn. Simon might have forgotten the help he'd given her -- not just one day, but months of sustained care -- but his cleared mind didn't clear her slate of debt.

"Why are you wearing a cape and binoculars? Did you decide you were, I don't know, a birdwatching superhero?" She tried to sound ... not so acerbic. She might have failed in that attempt. "Have you hit your head, or ...?" Chance was running low on explanations and excuses, today.

[runaway-stark.livejournal.com]

Arya did not spare a glance for his cape. They were still a common and often necessary article of clothing where she came from.

"You're a shapeshifter? Show me." Maybe it was something that could be taught. She'd like that.

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately for Arya, Mordi was now backpedaling like mad and disavowing everything on the application.

"I lied," he said. "None of it is true."

[runaway-stark.livejournal.com]

She glared up at him, long face more dour than usual. "How do I know you're not lying now?"

[chinasorrows.livejournal.com]

China wandered over from her own application, wearing a full-length red silk dress. China pressed her fingers at the edge of Mordichai's application and dragged it closer to her on the opposite side. She read it, taking note on his blank answers. She looked up at Mordichai. A cape? Tacky, very tacky. But she gave him points on the italian suit. She came to question 5C and mulled over the third colour given. She smiled, raising an eyebrow.

China smiled back at Mordichai, leaving the application, she folded her arms softly. "I should imagine that for a man to know what colour Chartreuse is, you have a dictionary on your person? Perhaps in the inside pockets of that cape?"

"Hello Mordichai," China's smile turned playful.

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

"Some men prefer to have a vocabulary that encompasses more than red, green, blue, and yellow," he said. He ignored the comment about his cape. Nobody wore them because they looked good.

"Hello yourself. I'm afraid I don't have the pleasure of knowing whom I'm speaking to." He wasn't necessarily trying to flirt with her, but he had to admit that she was hot, and she seemed friendly.

[chinasorrows.livejournal.com]

She nodded, smiling. "China Sorrows," she gestured, resting her hand on her chest.

She started closer to Mordichai, moving somewhat slowly until she was a polite distance from him. She lent against the desk wit her hand, tilting her head to the side. Her hair as black as sin, fell down her slender shoulder. Her pale blue eyes glinted in the candlelight.

"Shape-shifter, huh? I've never held much trust in shape-shifters, can I hold trust in you? Mr. Black," she breathed.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Can you shift into the shape of a Sorting Hat, hmm?"

[shifter-mordi.livejournal.com]

Mordi had been prepared for a hat to decide his fate. This really didn't bother him too much. After all, the fate of the world had almost been decided by a belt.

He just hadn't expected it to talk.

"Uh. No. I can only do living things."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"What do I look like, chopped liver? I am a living thing!"

Gryffindor!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe of strange cuteness is accepted!

Welcome to Gryffindor!