Application for Nero Wolfe from the Nero Wolfe novels by Rex Stout

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

A large man, weighing a full seventh of a ton, bustled through the door, carrying a branch of a Phalaenopsis hybrid in a bud vase. He frowned as he realized that he was not in the room that he expected to be in. He turned, the door no longer behind him. He frowned, the corners of his mouth turning down slightly. His assistant, the man he was looking for, would classify the expression as a frenzy of expression. He turned again, facing in the room. "Confound it," he snarled. "Archie. Archie! Enough of this flumery. Confound it." He glared around the room impartially. His desk, his chair, the book he was reading. None of them were in this room, the room that should have been his office. "Fritz!" he bellowed.

"Confound it," he pronounced again, looking around the room. He found a chair that looked as though it would support his mass near a table. He crossed to it, his steps heavier now as he crossed the room. He set the vase on the table and pulled down his gray suit jacket. He ran his hands down the matching vest and adjusted his yellow and red abstractly patterned tie, resetting the yellow collar of his shirt before he sat himself, obviously uncomfortably, in the chair.

He drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair, looking around. He glanced at the table he'd set the orchid branch on and noticed the stack of papers. He drew them over, read over them quickly and tossed them back onto the table. "Buffoonery. I will not be subject to this nonsense. Archie!" He waited a beat or two and then called, "Fritz!" With a disgruntled sigh, he looked around the room again. There was nothing else to occupy him and idleness did not sit well with him, despite his chronic laziness. He picked up the papers again.



State your full name.
He shifted, still uncomfortable in the chair an disliking the activity though it was the only one that offered itself to be done at the moment. He looked around for a pen and found only a quill. He raised it and looked further on the desk, seeking out an inkwell. Upon not finding one, he attempted to write, to test the instrument. When it left a mark, he concluded it must be a new style pen made to look like an old fashioned ink quill. "Nero Wolfe," he wrote, "though I would prefer to be addressed as Mr. Wolfe." A thorough answer was important.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Favorite?" he said aloud. "Piffle!" He began to write. "Which cheese I prefer entirely depends on the circumstances and the other food accompanying and what is offered to drink." Here, he waxed eloquent on which cheeses best compliment various drinks, turning the page over to continue his dissertation on the subject. Not quite satisfied, but out of space unless he starts another page, he turned the page over again and moves onto the next question.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"Pfui," he said aloud. "I would not bother myself. I would most likely not bother to find out who killed them for less than fifty thousand dollars," he wrote. There were exceptions, rarely, if his ego were stung sufficiently, but in general, he did not commit murder, rather he solved it.

3. What time is it where you are?

He drew a pocket watch from his vest and frowned at it a moment before snapping it closed and returning it to his pocket. "11:27 AM" he wrote. An hour and a half until lunch. He would be very cross if his lunch were delayed. There was Shad Roe and the duck a l'orange he had been able to smell starting to cook. He should have gone into the kitchen to check on it, but his routine demanded that he enter the office at eleven to go over the mail and give Archie his assignments for the day.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"Pfui," he said again. A paleness to his complexion appears and he shifts in his seat. Women repel him. All creatures of passions foreign to him, or perhaps too familiar, he never quite explains. "None!" he writes firmly on the paper, not that he knows or cares who the people mentioned are.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"I wouldn't." he wrote, not bothering with vocalizing his contempt of the question.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I." he wrote, not bothering with the rest of the quote or its context. Marriage was repellent enough, but between men? And three of them. After a moment, he cited the quote as being "Paul in the first Letter to the Corinthians, Chapter 7"

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Confound it with these nonsense names and suppositions," he said, tossing the quill to the table with the papers. He clasped his hands over his girth and glared at the paper. Yet, it galled his pride to leave anything undone. He glared at the quill and paper until it left him with no choice but to pick up the quill again and finish the questions. "Your assistant is an incompetent nincompoop."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Wolfe slammed the quill on the table. "I will not be subject to such an insult any longer. I demand to be released from this inane prison immediately!"

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"Poppycock," he said, sitting back in the chair, his hands again clasped over his bulk, his eyes closed.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____NW_______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____NW_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____NW______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______NW_______"

Comments

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek was indeed given to bouts of extravagance, although he'd only recently been starting to learn about true emotional extravagance. The denizens at Time's End were indeed actors, and, knew emotion when they chose to- there were those who experienced 'sorrow' or 'grief', but, it was all that of an actor in a role. And Jherek's role was one of exuberance and creativity.

"I wanted to compliment you upon your costume and your flower, Sir, for I have long admired your era, and I believe that is a real orchid? And I wanted to welcome you to Hogwarts!" He smiled, a certain bizarre pride in it, as if Hogwarts and the 21st centuries were both his own conjectures. "It is always a delight to meet travellers from the 19th and 20th centuries in its convoluted and cavernous corridors!"

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe shifted uncomfortably. "If you insist on conversing, then I must insist that you sit yourself as I prefer conversations take place at eye level and I do not intend to converse on my feet. And, of what foolery are you speaking?"

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek was of course unsure why the man didn't seem to want the welcome- perhaps he was uncomfortable here in the future? He certainly looked it. Jherek sort of half-sat himself in a nearby chair, ready to get up as soon as it was clear that his presence wasn't wanted- he'd hate to inflict his presence where it wasn't wanted. He never wanted anyone to be miserable- unless they wanted to be. It was their choice, after all.

"I am sorry if you are uncomfortable, sir," he said apologetically. "And I am not sure what you mean by foolery- I am not trying to fool anyone. I am Jherek Carnelian, and I was born." This latter point was important. "When I first arrived here, it was very confusing, but people were extremely helpful. Perhaps I can be of help?" He eyed the orchid again, remarking, "It is remarkable how many small nuances the real ones have! My orchids never turned out so well. They were always lacking a certain something, which yours has in abundance. Yours is the most fantastic of flora!" Jherek hoped that the compliments might set the uncomfortable man's mind at ease.

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

"I am uncomfortable because I appear to be no longer within my own house though I assuredly did not undertake to leave it," Wolfe replied tartly. He pounded his hand on the arm of the chair. "Confound it," he grumbled. "This is a bruise to my ego, to be taken from my house in such a manner." Wolfe wore his house the way many people wore a winter coat against the cold and he detested being removed from it.

He looked over at his orchid, feeling something of pride in the comments, though they were a bit odd. "Thank you, though, what do you mean, 'real ones'?" he asked.

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek nodded understandingly to Wolfe's explanation. He knew time travellers often found the displacement difficult, and had seen many cases where people didn't adapt well to the End of Time. It was always a little confusing, since, all the negatives of the human condition had been banished by that point. Even death was a mere indulgence. "Did someone take you from your home in a rude manner? I am sorry to hear that. I don't know how I got here. But here is really quite nice! The people are helpful and the 'house-elves' are happy to bring you anything that you might need." He tried to sound reassuring. "It is some sort of menagerie, but, you can do whatever you would like."

Jherek smiled at the flower- they weren't good with creating scents at the End of Time, so botanicals tended to be lacking a little something, which was now apparent to him. It was the scents, subtle as they might be. "Where, or perhaps I should say when I am from, we cannot grow real plants. I don't believe any have grown in thousands of years, the planet it much too old. And so we have to make them, but they are lacking the small nuances, like the scent. I'll be able to do a much better job with scents when I return home."

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

"A menagerie? Do you mean to say that someone has brought us here to be kept as animals?" Wolfe demanded, his face starting to become red. "I will not be subject to such idiocy. I will be returned to my home, now!" He even went so far as to rise from his chair.

It was looking around the room, not seeing the door he'd come in through, that caused him to sit down again. "Confound it," he grumbled. "How do I return home? And, just what do you mean by 'when' and 'haven't grown in thousands of years'? Talk sense."

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

"Oh no, we do not have to be animals! We are free to be ourselves and do what we would like to to." Jherek was dismayed to find his attempt at consolation gone horribly awry. He understood Hogwarts to be something like a menagerie of his own world, where various time-travellers and aliens were 'collected' by the denizens of the End of Time. But, they were actually perfectly free to go where they wanted. Some had eventually assimilated into society.

Jherek tried to explain more clearly, apologizing, "I did not mean to offend you sir. I forget sometimes that time travel has not been accomplished in the 20th century, at least that we are aware of, and so very little information about the future would be available. I'm from the End of Time. The sun has gone dim and all the real plants have died. We have to convert energy into matter in order to make them. But, we don't know how to send anyone into the past permanently, I'm very sorry. So I don't know how you can return home. Maybe you could ask the Hat, when it talks to you."

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

"My dear sir, if we are taken from our homes without leave and placed somewhere else for the entertainment of those in control of it, we are no better than animals in a zoo. I will not perform for them, whomever they may be." Wolfe resented performing on most occasions, especially outside his own home.

"Time travel is the realm of fiction," he declared. "A fancy of those who believe that the future must contain the cures for their present ills that they are too indolent to correct." He narrowed his eyes. "Have you anything to do with my being here?"

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

"I'm not sure why we are here at all," Jherek tried to explain. "I don't think that I'm here to entertain anyone. On the contrary, Hogwarts has proven very entertaining, and no one has demanded anything except to give me a house to live in. It has proven very kind of them, for I have been here longer than I thought possible, for some weeks now." He wasn't very clear on actual measures of Time, as it basically didn't exist at the End of it, but, it seemed like weeks to him, and was.

"Time travel is definitely real." Jherek was insistent about this, although still very polite. But he was pretty sure he was being called imaginary, and wasn't so sure he liked that. "I'm very real, and so is everything here. But I have nothing to do with you being here. If I did know how you could go home, I would tell you. If there is anything I can do to make your experience more enjoyable in the meantime, please do tell me." Naturally, Jherek meant anything. He didn't like seeing people upset.

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

"If we are not here to entertain someone, then why are we here? That is an aberration of your logic." But, considering the other aberrations and his own inclusion in this ridiculousness, he was hard-pressed to come up with another explanation. He scowled, his fingers tapping the arm of the chair.

"Beer, preferably Reemers in a bottle, unopened, and a glass," he ordered. He doubted there would be anything actually worth drinking if it wasn't Reemers, but he'd been asked.

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek's expression fell slightly, although he wasn't sure what an aberration was. He didn't think he liked it applied to him any more than being imaginary, however. "I don't know, I'd tell you if I did, sir," he insisted. "I wish that we were here to entertain someone. I live to entertain! What I've been told is that we're here to learn about 'magic'. Magic is sort of like using power rings. It causes a change in the fabric of reality." Jherek still needed to obtain a wand, and so couldn't demonstrate it. His mun should have remembered to take him by the wand box.

He had no idea at all what 'Reemers' was, although he was familiar with beer. He loudly and clearly asked for the help of a house-elf, who almost instantly arrived- when it did, Jherek thanked her for showing up, introduced himself and asked the house-elf's name- he hadn't met this one yet. "Would you please bring this man some beer? If possible, he would like something called Reemers in a bottle that has not been opened, and he would like a glass too. And could you please bring me a little bottle of a sake and a cup?" He thanked the house-elf again before it vanished to fill the request- Jherek was extremely nice to the house-elves. He turned back to Wolfe, and asked, "What is your name, sir? I don't think you've told me yet."

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe rubbed his temple, trying to find some sense. An actor learning 'magic' was nothing unusual. However, the nonsense about power rings and changing the fabric of reality was not something he desired to examine in that moment.

The strange creature, the house elf, he supposed, though, caused him to stare. He shook his head at the question. "Wolfe, Nero Wolfe. I prefer to be called by my family name," he said. He decided, for that moment, he would not ask. He was quite certain he would not appreciate the answer.

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

"It is hard to explain, I am sorry. I think it is all a primitive form of technology, but very clever." In Jherek's opinion, the wands were 'power sticks', which were somehow accomplishing what their power rings accomplished, and, the natives here understood its operation about as well as they understood their own 'powers'. Which was not at all. Only the ancient cities remembered the science. No one else cared- it worked.

Jherek smiled politely at the introduction, although he did not understand what Wolfe meant by 'family name'. And unfortunately, names in his era were purely individualistic, and often very strange. "It is very nice to meet you, Wolfe Nero-Wolfe. I hope that is your preferred family name? I am not sure what one is." Jherek had a creeping feeling that he was going to have screwed up again. He was starting to realize that he tended to blunder in conversations with 'Dawn Age' humans.

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe frowned. "Wolfe is my family name," he clarified. "I prefer to be addressed by that." He pressed his lips together and then explained. "A family name is one that is shared by members of a family, a surname, usually. A given name, a forename, is given to the individual, usually upon either their birth or Christening."

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek listened intently- learning new things was fascinating. "I do not think we have 'family names' where I am from. I was born, but my mother is the Iron Orchid, and my father has kept his identity secret. We don't share a name." Eventually he'd discover who his father was, and his parents would decide to become Mr. and Mrs. Carnelian, although how long they'd entertain the indulgence was hard to say, and a great deal of strange events would happen at the End of Time first. "What is a Christening?" Jherek wasn't familiar with Christianity yet- it was another topic he'd eventually learn about, but, not just yet.

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

"Christening is a continuation of an older custom of not naming a newborn until it survived its first days. The length of time varied by culture, but it was widespread," Wolfe replied. He still thought Jherek was an actor, merely playing a role, but he was a genius and rarely missed an opportunity to prove it.

Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

"Oh yes, in the Dawn Age people died frequently and couldn't be resurrected. I suppose that naming them if they were just going to die would be rather silly." Death had been eradicated for thousands of years, just like birth- Jherek being born by (mostly) conventional means was unique in his time, and this was why he always emphasized it. "You seem to know a great deal about many things. I believe I am supposed to recommend a House for you to stay in, and I think that Ravenclaw is supposed to be a nice House for people who know a lot. I don't really know very much about the Houses." But, he was pretty sure that his house, Hufflepuff, was for friendly, high-spirited people like himself. He wasn't so sure that Wolfe would fit in.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe could make allowances, to a point, for actors. He was running out of those allowances. Never one to hide his irritation, he said, "Piffle." He did, though, manage to leave it at that. "I would prefer to be in my own house," he added sullenly.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek had no idea what 'piffle' meant, although he could tell that Wolfe was annoyed about something. He was almost as good at expressing annoyance as Mongrove, the End of Time's resident misanthrope. Jherek felt he could be a bit more theatrical with it. His own good spirits were starting to diminish as well- it was funny how these Dawn Age people seemed to like unpleasant moods, and they seemed to be contagious. "I would rather be at my own ranch, too, and back with my friends." was all he said- he did miss it, and his friends. Even Mongrove. As fascinating as the Dawn Age was, it was the opportunity to share that experience with his friends that was the most interesting component. He'd thought he'd be doing that by now- but he was still at Hogwarts. He looked sulkily at the carpet until the house-elf returned with their drinks, managing a smile as he thanked it for the sake. His 'kampai' upon taking the first sip was rather half-hearted.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe didn't have many friends, more acquaintances, people who shared interests with him, his staff. He didn't feel that a loss, though.

He opened the beer, frowning at the unknown label, and poured some in the glass, watching the foam settle to that particular level he preferred. He lifted the glass and sniffed. The scent wasn't bad, he decided, and took a sip. This was important as he ingested two quarts of beer or more per day. A sound rumbled up from his gut. "Acceptable," he declared.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek eyed Wolfe nervously, concerned that the house-elf might have brought the wrong thing, and that Wolfe would be angry at him. Jherek didn't much like people being angry at him- he had no idea how to respond, being basically incapable of anger himself. He'd eventually figure out what it was, but, he wasn't that far along in his education regarding love and all its various side-effects yet.

So he was extremely relieved when Wolfe appeared to approve of the beverage, and looked up, managing a smile. "The house-elves will bring you this beverage whenever you'd like it. All you have to do is ask them nicely, and they are helpful with just about everything." He didn't know that asking nicely wasn't at all required- he'd just never thought to ask any other way. In keeping with his awkward communication skills with 'Dawn Age' humans, Jherek had to go and add- with the best of intentions- "But I am not sure about absolutely everything. I've not asked them to make love." The way he delivered this statement was at least purely informative, as if it was merely basic information that anyone might like to know. Jherek privately supposed he should ask them, however, as, he'd never made love to anything so small and wrinkly before.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

It was the last comment, more than anything, that inspired Wolfe's reaction. "I am not interested in physical contact with anything," he said shortly. "Even less so in such intimacy. I have no use for it."

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Once again, Jherek's spirits plummeted- apparently, this was one of those people who was weirdly offended by the pleasures of sex. "Oh, I didn't realize that." He wondered if Wolfe's disinterest was due to a cultural quirk, or if it was because he'd never had good sex. "If it is a matter of culture, I am sorry if I have offended, sir. But if you have tried it and not enjoyed it, perhaps it because you've never made love to a conscientious partner who cares for your pleasure? Sex is not necessary at Time's End, but we've learned that we can bring each other enjoyment with it." This seemed a perfectly excellent use for anything to Jherek.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe made several faces. "Consider it a cultural thing," he finally said shortly.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

"Is it something to do with virtue?" Jherek couldn't resist asking- he was still determined to figure out just what this 'virtue' was, and after his own Sorting Room discussions, was now curious about 'sin'. "It is a concept I am attempting to understand. So far, I've understood that virtue means doing the opposite of what is pleasurable."