Application for Nero Wolfe from the Nero Wolfe novels by Rex Stout

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

A large man, weighing a full seventh of a ton, bustled through the door, carrying a branch of a Phalaenopsis hybrid in a bud vase. He frowned as he realized that he was not in the room that he expected to be in. He turned, the door no longer behind him. He frowned, the corners of his mouth turning down slightly. His assistant, the man he was looking for, would classify the expression as a frenzy of expression. He turned again, facing in the room. "Confound it," he snarled. "Archie. Archie! Enough of this flumery. Confound it." He glared around the room impartially. His desk, his chair, the book he was reading. None of them were in this room, the room that should have been his office. "Fritz!" he bellowed.

"Confound it," he pronounced again, looking around the room. He found a chair that looked as though it would support his mass near a table. He crossed to it, his steps heavier now as he crossed the room. He set the vase on the table and pulled down his gray suit jacket. He ran his hands down the matching vest and adjusted his yellow and red abstractly patterned tie, resetting the yellow collar of his shirt before he sat himself, obviously uncomfortably, in the chair.

He drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair, looking around. He glanced at the table he'd set the orchid branch on and noticed the stack of papers. He drew them over, read over them quickly and tossed them back onto the table. "Buffoonery. I will not be subject to this nonsense. Archie!" He waited a beat or two and then called, "Fritz!" With a disgruntled sigh, he looked around the room again. There was nothing else to occupy him and idleness did not sit well with him, despite his chronic laziness. He picked up the papers again.



State your full name.
He shifted, still uncomfortable in the chair an disliking the activity though it was the only one that offered itself to be done at the moment. He looked around for a pen and found only a quill. He raised it and looked further on the desk, seeking out an inkwell. Upon not finding one, he attempted to write, to test the instrument. When it left a mark, he concluded it must be a new style pen made to look like an old fashioned ink quill. "Nero Wolfe," he wrote, "though I would prefer to be addressed as Mr. Wolfe." A thorough answer was important.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Favorite?" he said aloud. "Piffle!" He began to write. "Which cheese I prefer entirely depends on the circumstances and the other food accompanying and what is offered to drink." Here, he waxed eloquent on which cheeses best compliment various drinks, turning the page over to continue his dissertation on the subject. Not quite satisfied, but out of space unless he starts another page, he turned the page over again and moves onto the next question.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"Pfui," he said aloud. "I would not bother myself. I would most likely not bother to find out who killed them for less than fifty thousand dollars," he wrote. There were exceptions, rarely, if his ego were stung sufficiently, but in general, he did not commit murder, rather he solved it.

3. What time is it where you are?

He drew a pocket watch from his vest and frowned at it a moment before snapping it closed and returning it to his pocket. "11:27 AM" he wrote. An hour and a half until lunch. He would be very cross if his lunch were delayed. There was Shad Roe and the duck a l'orange he had been able to smell starting to cook. He should have gone into the kitchen to check on it, but his routine demanded that he enter the office at eleven to go over the mail and give Archie his assignments for the day.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"Pfui," he said again. A paleness to his complexion appears and he shifts in his seat. Women repel him. All creatures of passions foreign to him, or perhaps too familiar, he never quite explains. "None!" he writes firmly on the paper, not that he knows or cares who the people mentioned are.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"I wouldn't." he wrote, not bothering with vocalizing his contempt of the question.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I." he wrote, not bothering with the rest of the quote or its context. Marriage was repellent enough, but between men? And three of them. After a moment, he cited the quote as being "Paul in the first Letter to the Corinthians, Chapter 7"

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Confound it with these nonsense names and suppositions," he said, tossing the quill to the table with the papers. He clasped his hands over his girth and glared at the paper. Yet, it galled his pride to leave anything undone. He glared at the quill and paper until it left him with no choice but to pick up the quill again and finish the questions. "Your assistant is an incompetent nincompoop."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Wolfe slammed the quill on the table. "I will not be subject to such an insult any longer. I demand to be released from this inane prison immediately!"

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"Poppycock," he said, sitting back in the chair, his hands again clasped over his bulk, his eyes closed.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _____NW_______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ____NW_______.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _____NW______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ______NW_______"

Comments

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe rubbed his temple, trying to find some sense. An actor learning 'magic' was nothing unusual. However, the nonsense about power rings and changing the fabric of reality was not something he desired to examine in that moment.

The strange creature, the house elf, he supposed, though, caused him to stare. He shook his head at the question. "Wolfe, Nero Wolfe. I prefer to be called by my family name," he said. He decided, for that moment, he would not ask. He was quite certain he would not appreciate the answer.

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

"It is hard to explain, I am sorry. I think it is all a primitive form of technology, but very clever." In Jherek's opinion, the wands were 'power sticks', which were somehow accomplishing what their power rings accomplished, and, the natives here understood its operation about as well as they understood their own 'powers'. Which was not at all. Only the ancient cities remembered the science. No one else cared- it worked.

Jherek smiled politely at the introduction, although he did not understand what Wolfe meant by 'family name'. And unfortunately, names in his era were purely individualistic, and often very strange. "It is very nice to meet you, Wolfe Nero-Wolfe. I hope that is your preferred family name? I am not sure what one is." Jherek had a creeping feeling that he was going to have screwed up again. He was starting to realize that he tended to blunder in conversations with 'Dawn Age' humans.

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe frowned. "Wolfe is my family name," he clarified. "I prefer to be addressed by that." He pressed his lips together and then explained. "A family name is one that is shared by members of a family, a surname, usually. A given name, a forename, is given to the individual, usually upon either their birth or Christening."

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek listened intently- learning new things was fascinating. "I do not think we have 'family names' where I am from. I was born, but my mother is the Iron Orchid, and my father has kept his identity secret. We don't share a name." Eventually he'd discover who his father was, and his parents would decide to become Mr. and Mrs. Carnelian, although how long they'd entertain the indulgence was hard to say, and a great deal of strange events would happen at the End of Time first. "What is a Christening?" Jherek wasn't familiar with Christianity yet- it was another topic he'd eventually learn about, but, not just yet.

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

"Christening is a continuation of an older custom of not naming a newborn until it survived its first days. The length of time varied by culture, but it was widespread," Wolfe replied. He still thought Jherek was an actor, merely playing a role, but he was a genius and rarely missed an opportunity to prove it.

Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

"Oh yes, in the Dawn Age people died frequently and couldn't be resurrected. I suppose that naming them if they were just going to die would be rather silly." Death had been eradicated for thousands of years, just like birth- Jherek being born by (mostly) conventional means was unique in his time, and this was why he always emphasized it. "You seem to know a great deal about many things. I believe I am supposed to recommend a House for you to stay in, and I think that Ravenclaw is supposed to be a nice House for people who know a lot. I don't really know very much about the Houses." But, he was pretty sure that his house, Hufflepuff, was for friendly, high-spirited people like himself. He wasn't so sure that Wolfe would fit in.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe could make allowances, to a point, for actors. He was running out of those allowances. Never one to hide his irritation, he said, "Piffle." He did, though, manage to leave it at that. "I would prefer to be in my own house," he added sullenly.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek had no idea what 'piffle' meant, although he could tell that Wolfe was annoyed about something. He was almost as good at expressing annoyance as Mongrove, the End of Time's resident misanthrope. Jherek felt he could be a bit more theatrical with it. His own good spirits were starting to diminish as well- it was funny how these Dawn Age people seemed to like unpleasant moods, and they seemed to be contagious. "I would rather be at my own ranch, too, and back with my friends." was all he said- he did miss it, and his friends. Even Mongrove. As fascinating as the Dawn Age was, it was the opportunity to share that experience with his friends that was the most interesting component. He'd thought he'd be doing that by now- but he was still at Hogwarts. He looked sulkily at the carpet until the house-elf returned with their drinks, managing a smile as he thanked it for the sake. His 'kampai' upon taking the first sip was rather half-hearted.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe didn't have many friends, more acquaintances, people who shared interests with him, his staff. He didn't feel that a loss, though.

He opened the beer, frowning at the unknown label, and poured some in the glass, watching the foam settle to that particular level he preferred. He lifted the glass and sniffed. The scent wasn't bad, he decided, and took a sip. This was important as he ingested two quarts of beer or more per day. A sound rumbled up from his gut. "Acceptable," he declared.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek eyed Wolfe nervously, concerned that the house-elf might have brought the wrong thing, and that Wolfe would be angry at him. Jherek didn't much like people being angry at him- he had no idea how to respond, being basically incapable of anger himself. He'd eventually figure out what it was, but, he wasn't that far along in his education regarding love and all its various side-effects yet.

So he was extremely relieved when Wolfe appeared to approve of the beverage, and looked up, managing a smile. "The house-elves will bring you this beverage whenever you'd like it. All you have to do is ask them nicely, and they are helpful with just about everything." He didn't know that asking nicely wasn't at all required- he'd just never thought to ask any other way. In keeping with his awkward communication skills with 'Dawn Age' humans, Jherek had to go and add- with the best of intentions- "But I am not sure about absolutely everything. I've not asked them to make love." The way he delivered this statement was at least purely informative, as if it was merely basic information that anyone might like to know. Jherek privately supposed he should ask them, however, as, he'd never made love to anything so small and wrinkly before.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

It was the last comment, more than anything, that inspired Wolfe's reaction. "I am not interested in physical contact with anything," he said shortly. "Even less so in such intimacy. I have no use for it."

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Once again, Jherek's spirits plummeted- apparently, this was one of those people who was weirdly offended by the pleasures of sex. "Oh, I didn't realize that." He wondered if Wolfe's disinterest was due to a cultural quirk, or if it was because he'd never had good sex. "If it is a matter of culture, I am sorry if I have offended, sir. But if you have tried it and not enjoyed it, perhaps it because you've never made love to a conscientious partner who cares for your pleasure? Sex is not necessary at Time's End, but we've learned that we can bring each other enjoyment with it." This seemed a perfectly excellent use for anything to Jherek.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe made several faces. "Consider it a cultural thing," he finally said shortly.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

"Is it something to do with virtue?" Jherek couldn't resist asking- he was still determined to figure out just what this 'virtue' was, and after his own Sorting Room discussions, was now curious about 'sin'. "It is a concept I am attempting to understand. So far, I've understood that virtue means doing the opposite of what is pleasurable."

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

"Virtue comes from the Latin, meaning to be manly, to be worthy, excellence. It refers to be strong in character and ethics." He pressed his lips together. "Sin is shortcomings."

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek listened intently- someone from the 20th Century was liable to know about 'virtue', seeing as how he'd found his references to it in historical information from a contemporary period. But, he found the explanation a bit confusing, as, it wasn't quite what he'd understood virtue to be. "It does not have to do with 'good' and 'bad' then, and a refusal to do things one enjoys? I had understood it as related to self-denial, but if it has to do with excellence and masculinity, it would seem rather simple to pursue." He'd have it covered already, in his opinion, as he was already male, and his peers thought highly of him. "I understand character, for we all spend a great deal of time cultivating ours where I am from, but, I am unfamiliar with 'ethics'. If sin is shortcomings, I can understand why it is undesirable."

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

"Restraint is a trait associated with masculinity," Wolfe grumbled. "And, ethics is far too complex a topic to go into on such short notice. Ethics is the study of the principles of right and wrong and on what system of values those decisions should be based and who should be responsible for such decision." This, in his mind, was almost over simplification.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek wasn't so sure how restraint was a masculine concept- he did think it often applied to good taste, however. Of course, Jherek's idea of restraint would be considered utter extravagance by any 21st century standard, and pure decadence by those of earlier contemporary eras. "I thought restraint had more to do with good taste? I know of many women who have very good taste, such as my mother. I don't believe that we have 'ethics' where I am from, but it sounds very interesting, all these matters of right and wrong."

Thinking about Wolfe's explanation further, he conjectured, "Perhaps it is an outdated concept we lost any use for. It sounds as if it might involve making others do things that they might not want to do." There were very few things that Jherek disapproved of, but forcing people to do things they didn't want to was one of them. "I apologize for all my questions, it's just that these cultural matters are very intriguing."

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe stared at Jherek a long moment. "This is far too involved a topic to discuss with someone who has utterly no understanding to begin with," he declared. "Find a book by G.E. Moore entitled Principia Ethica or the works of Socrates or Aristotle as a foundation. Then, we will be able to discuss anything."

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

Jherek actually frowned a little, not really appreciating being told that he had 'utterly no understanding'. He liked to think he had a decent bit of it, on a wide range of subjects. "I do have understanding of things, sir, just not of all of them. I am attempting to correct that. Although I appreciate the recommendations, I am unable to read so books would be of little use. I have tried to understand writing, but, I have had difficulty figuring out the concept behind it." He was frustrated by this, as he very much wanted to learn more about ethics, virtue, and ancient culture in general. The translation spell was somehow working to translate very simple writing for him at Hogwarts, but, whole books were beyond its capacity given Jherek's illiteracy. "Perhaps I can find someone to read them to me." He wasn't about to ask Wolfe, feeling sure that he would refuse.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[gourmetwolfe.livejournal.com]

Wolfe's mouth worked a moment. "The concept behind writing is to preserve thoughts that they may be returned to later or dispersed more widely and accurately than word of mouth will allow. Letters represent sounds which form words, which form concepts." He scowled, stopping himself from going farther as he felt it would be a waste of effort. "Go," he said. "Find someone in this menagerie to read to you."

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[he-was-born.livejournal.com]

"That explains why I do not understand the concept. It's been rendered obsolete." The ancient cities held all their preserved information, and when they wanted it, they merely needed to ask the cities for it. If he'd been aware of the concept of fiction, he might have understood a purpose for writing, but, fiction was also obsolete at the End of Time, as they lived their own fantasies all of the time.

Jherek felt somewhat offended at being told to go- he'd been trying his best to be helpful, and, he'd thought he'd earned a few questions. Jherek was never impolite, however (or at least, never intentionally so), as rude behavior would have reflected badly on his legendary good taste. He stood and replied, "I offer my deepest apologies if I have inconvenienced you, sir. I will go, but I think I'd rather find someone to make love with." He smiled politely, and left in a cloud of flimsy white fabric, intending to do just that, and not excluding the house-elves as a possibility.