Skwisgaar's Return [Open RP]
Jul. 9th, 2009 06:55 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
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((OOC: Warning for general NSFW language and situations throughout the comments, although any actual sex will probably get the fade to black treatment so as not to break the players' minds...))
There was the unmistakable sound of another butter-greasy body hitting the floor, followed by the clatter of his mysteriously indestructible electric guitar that accompanied him everywhere, and a name disappearing from the popcorn plaque that could mean only one thing. Everybody's favourite six and a half foot tall (give or take an inch), stereotypically blond and blue-eyed Swede guitarist with a dubious grasp of English and weakness for GMILFs was back. Okay, so the only people who even pretended to tolerate him were presumably still in Mordhaus, but he's convinced everybody thinks he's awesome anyway. Because he's Skwisgaar Skwigelf, fastest guitarist in the world. His native world, at any rate.
"I hope I's not brokes anythings," he groaned without bothering to get up off the floor to check. He hadn't landed on his hands or wrists, and that was all that really mattered. He was on his back, and tilted his head side to side, looking at his surroundings and managing to recognise them. It was that stupid magic and very unmetal castle again. He pulled his guitar into his lap as he sat up. "Oh, dis is dildos," he muttered to himself. "I almost dies and get sents back heres?" He tuned his guitar and continued griping and swearing colourfully in Swedish since there was no one else around to hear, or so he thought.
There was the unmistakable sound of another butter-greasy body hitting the floor, followed by the clatter of his mysteriously indestructible electric guitar that accompanied him everywhere, and a name disappearing from the popcorn plaque that could mean only one thing. Everybody's favourite six and a half foot tall (give or take an inch), stereotypically blond and blue-eyed Swede guitarist with a dubious grasp of English and weakness for GMILFs was back. Okay, so the only people who even pretended to tolerate him were presumably still in Mordhaus, but he's convinced everybody thinks he's awesome anyway. Because he's Skwisgaar Skwigelf, fastest guitarist in the world. His native world, at any rate.
"I hope I's not brokes anythings," he groaned without bothering to get up off the floor to check. He hadn't landed on his hands or wrists, and that was all that really mattered. He was on his back, and tilted his head side to side, looking at his surroundings and managing to recognise them. It was that stupid magic and very unmetal castle again. He pulled his guitar into his lap as he sat up. "Oh, dis is dildos," he muttered to himself. "I almost dies and get sents back heres?" He tuned his guitar and continued griping and swearing colourfully in Swedish since there was no one else around to hear, or so he thought.
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Date: 2009-07-09 05:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-09 05:44 am (UTC)Which the mun can't remember if Skwisgaar knew about originally, but oh well.no subject
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Date: 2009-07-09 05:23 am (UTC)It was the music.
As the homeland of a good portion of classical music, he was offended by metal music, and fast finger playing.
"For the love of God, play slower!"
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Date: 2009-07-09 05:42 am (UTC)Perhaps Austria would change his mind after being on the receiving end of some talented fast fingering."Yous play slower!" Skwisgaar shot back indignantly. Context clearly didn't matter to him, he just liked being contrary. He did glance up this time, only to be confronted by what appeared to be Ofdensen's love child with... well... who cares. The resemblance was creepy.
"Why yous looks like dat? Knocks it off."
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Date: 2009-07-09 06:46 am (UTC)He smoothed out his lavish velvet robes and drifted over to the guitarist, his grotesquely fat body floating a couple inches above the ground. "So. . .do you need any help cleaning that off?" He gave Skwisgaar a wry, lecherous smirk as he looked him over. He wasn't usually that blunt in his interests, but, something about Skwisgaar inspired it- possibly the fact that he couldn't think of anything else to say to a greasy young man.
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Date: 2009-07-09 07:26 am (UTC)Skwisgaar paused mid-tuning and took his sweet time looking up. Floating? That was... that was kind of metal. Grotesquely obese? His pants were suddenly far too tight and constricting. The only thing that could make it any better would be if the unusually low voice and lusciously corpulent body belonged to an elderly woman covered in wrinkles, with sagging breasts down to her knees.
Alas, it wasn't to be.
He sighed forlornly and stared down at his guitar, shifting it off of his very obvious erection as he resumed tuning it.
"Ja, all dis butters is disgustings," he said apathetically. "I coulds really use a shower." As he fiddled with his guitar, an idea of very dubious merit occurred to him. "Say, yous never considers wearing de makes-up and wig, woulds you?" Hey, really fat men sometimes had fantastically saggy breasts, and it totally wasn't gay if the balls didn't touch.
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Date: 2009-07-09 05:43 pm (UTC)Unfortunately for Skwisgaar, the Baron wasn't female- but he was wearing a robe
which, any way one wants to rationalize it, is pretty damn close to a dress. And he wasn't all that wrinkly, as, he was spice-preserved enough to appear somewhere in his 50s, rather than the 80 years he actually was.Vladimir had figured he was stabbing in the dark- Hogwarts was a weird place, and although any greasy young man sitting around his palace would almost surely be one of the many slaves he kept around for pleasure time, at Hogwarts, it could mean anything. However, he couldn't miss what was going on in Skwisgaar's pants when he shifted his instrument, and he drifted closer to the guitarist, his suspensor harness also starting to feel much too snug in certain places.
He had to listen carefully, wondering briefly why the translation charm didn't entirely smooth out Skwisgaar's speech, but, he could understand him well enough to interpret that his rather blunt proposition didn't appear to be being flat-out rejected. In fact, Skwisgaar sounded like he might be downright kinky. This was a good thing, in the Baron's opinion. He wasn't sure if he'd agree to put on any wigs, although, surely a bit of eyeliner like that beautiful boy on the Muggle TV singing contest might be alright if it was Skwisgaar's kink- he'd of course discovered American Idol, fascinated with TV as he was.
"A shower I can help with- I've got the keys to the good private faculty one." He put his emphasis on the word private, and his smile at Skwisgaar was an unquestionable insinuation of his intent. "It's not far from here, unless the hallway's moved again. I'm not sure about wigs. . . do you think I need one?" He smirked dryly, running a fat hand through what was a quite respectable crop of red curls, given his age. "But. . . I might not be adverse to a bit of eyeliner, if that's your thing. . . " He looked Skwisgaar over again, thinking that it would probably be an acceptable sacrifice for the sake of pleasure- everyone had their little fetishes, some more than others, and, those ones were generally the most fun. He didn't quite realize that Skwisgaar was implying crossdressing, of course.
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Date: 2009-07-10 06:35 am (UTC)nevermind that he's possibly done so hundreds of times while banging groupies. He wasn't terribly choosy as long as they appeared vaguely female and weren't overly interested in his ass."I likes to do de runka in de showers," he blithely added as he carefully got to his feet, slipping in the greasy butter a few times. He loosely encircled a cylinder of air with one hand and made the universal jack off motion. "Yous knows. Dis fak-oo-telly not bes of minding?" Not that he actually cared if they minded, it would just be really inconvenient to get kicked out mid-wank. And he of course assumed he'd be showering alone.
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Date: 2009-07-10 04:38 am (UTC)I study this one critically. "Nice guitar," I say. "I hope you can actually play it, and if you can actually plug an amp in at this place and get it to work, you'll have a fan for life. Or at least the next five minutes."
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Date: 2009-07-10 05:27 am (UTC)"Ja, of course I plays it, I'm de best guitars player in de worlds," he said as he didn't even pretend to be fiddling with his guitar anymore and simply outright leered at Oly. Being seated on the floor, he had a pretty ideal view of her. "Dere's a spells for making it works without de tek-noo-leggy, but mys wand is probablies still backs in mys old room somewheres."
Totally blatant attempt at getting Oly to go back to his room with him? Hey, it's Skwisgaar. Playing guitar and fucking are his favourite things to do (occasionally at the same time), with harassing Toki a close second.
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Date: 2009-07-10 05:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2009-07-10 04:54 am (UTC)This was why, upon sight of Skwisgaar, he smiled happily, struck a pose, and showed off his best air guitar moves. "Dude," he greeted warmly. "You play your instrument brightly, brightly and with beauty!"
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Date: 2009-07-10 05:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-07-10 05:38 am (UTC)"I am not intoxicated," he answered. "Except, perhaps, on life, which is a great goodness. I could, perhaps, ask the same of you. I do not grok why you are covered in grease and talk in such an odd manner, even for earthlings."
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Date: 2009-07-10 11:30 pm (UTC)"You got a little grease on you." The cross-eyed blonde girl stepped cautiously into the room. Unfortunately, she looked young, though she was much uglier than her icon.
She looked at Skwisgaar for a few moments and then almost choked. "You are a special snowflake, aren't you?" Arrogant bastard, but amusingly pervy. "I don't know whether to be sick or laugh."
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Date: 2009-07-11 04:59 am (UTC)The unattractiveness was a big point in Sage's favour as far as Skwisgaar was concerned, but her apparent age kind of put him off from trying to immediately get in her pants, as he was the diametric opposite of a pederast. She'd make an excellent MILF in a couple decades or so, he thought.
"Ja, it is butters. If you're goings to bes sick, bes sick over dere," he said as he gestured vaguely in a direction away from himself, then returned to his guitar, apparently unaware he'd been insulted.
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Date: 2009-07-22 02:48 pm (UTC)"Not gonna be sick." She said "But you do realize that you love your bandmate, right?" Forget trying to be not-evil. This guy was too funny not to taunt. Of course, if he went after her, she'd go running to her brother for help.
"And the showers are that way." She pointed.