Open RP - the Unpopping of Elizabeth Bennet

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that despite a young woman's possession of a calm and sensible temperament even at the best of times, if said woman comes to consciousness in a room surrounded by cases containing popcorn kernels and covered herself in a fine layer of grease, she will not take it well.

Such was the case for Elizabeth Bennet. The first thing she did upon her sudden wakefulness was to reach for her katana. To her dismay, however, she carried neither katana nor musket nor even ankle dagger.

"What mischief is this!" cried she in indignant tones. "Where can I be, weaponless and with no idea whether there are unmentionables about!"

Being a resourceful young woman, she endeavoured to clean the salt and butter from her person as much as possible. She had vague recollections of this place. Hogwarts, she thought it was called. She should go somewhere called Ravenclaw. Oh, yes, and Mr. Darcy was here. Of the scourge of unmentionables that had been plaguing England, she was less clear. It seemed to her she ought to remember if any of them were here, but she couldn't.

Well, there was nothing for it. She would sally forth from this room of popcorn kernels and see if she could locate someone she knew, even if that someone should be Mr. Darcy, and make them explain what the meaning of all this was. Then she resolved she would find a weapon and work off some of her excess energy by hunting Unmentionables. If there were no unmentionables--although why that should be the case given that there were *always* unmentionables--she supposed she might meditate and hope for a clear mind. And if there were no place in which she could meditate, she could always go write a letter to her dear friend, Charlotte Lucas, who she hoped had not been too stricken by the strange plague.

Thus satisfied with her plan, Elizabeth took herself away from the popcorn room, in as gay of spirits as she ever boasted. She did glance back over her shoulder in time to spot her name on the plaque of names outside the door. It was slowly fading, as was the name of Mr. Darcy. What this could mean, she was sure she didn't know, though she intended to find out. At swordpoint, should it come to that.

((For those of you who have not been alerted to my evil plans, I am taking Elizabeth from this version of Pride and Prejudice. I highly recommend this new ultraviolent version of Austen's comedy of manners to all lovers of crackfic, which, hopefully, you all are. Also, this is Brienne-mun, the one who is, OOCly, totally blind. Should anyone have time to hunt up appropriately kick-ass icons for this journal, I would be grateful...))

Comments

[doctor-hook.livejournal.com]

Hook's face, already fair, blanched near-white.

"Zombies?"

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

"I see by your face that you have had occasion to encounter Satan's hordes," said Elizabeth, her expression becoming uncommonly grave. "Are they here, then?"

[doctor-hook.livejournal.com]

"Oh, you might say that. I would not necessarily tar all zombies with the Satanic brush, you know." Hook essayed a queasy chuckle. "Have you ever been to the island of Haiti, Miss Bennet?"

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

"Haiti?" Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm afraid I have not. My only world travel has involved seeing the Orient, and Haiti is entirely in the opposite direction."

[doctor-hook.livejournal.com]

"In Haiti, there are ..." How to put it? Witch doctor wouldn't quite achieve the right tone, unless he wanted to cement Miss Bennet's firm belief in the Satanic origins of zombies. "Rogue chemists," he decided, "who have developed a compound of toxins that can induce the symptoms of zombiism in an otherwise healthy person."

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

"Oh!" elizabeth was much startled by this news. And, because she was not born yesterday, she immediately realized the significance of him telling her this. "And you have been infected. How awful for you! But you don't exhibit any of the symptoms usually associated with the unmentionables."

[doctor-hook.livejournal.com]

"I got better," said Hook, almost defensively. "Or ... I died. I can't really be sure, thanks to Hogwarts. In either case, none of it had anything to do with Satan. It was all due to a cranky old man."

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

"Hogwarts?" Elizabeth asked. "Is that the name of this place? Where is it, exactly, and how do any of us come to be here?"

[doctor-hook.livejournal.com]

"That's a little like asking 'where is Heaven, and why is the sky blue?' I can answer only so far, sorry to say. I can tell you that Hogwarts is a school in Scotland. Beyond that, there are as many theories as there are people here, and each theory is worth about as much as the breath it takes to explain it. If anyone has figured much out, then it's probably one of our resident mad scientists who's done the figuring, and in that case ... Well, I can explain to you in scientific terms why the sky is blue (http://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/physics/General/BlueSky/blue_sky.html), but eventually it's going to get to a point where the terminology takes as much explanation as the phenomenon being described, and beyond that it'll get down to metaphysics." Hook offered a not-particularly-apologetic smile. "It's easiest to simply acknowledge that you're here, it's queer, and get used to it."

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

Elizabeth nodded. "I do seem to remember a few things," she confessed. "Such as that I belong in a place called Ravenclaw. But I shall follow your advice and endeavor to think no more about the whys and wherefores of how I came to be here, as mine is not a terribly s cientific mind, and the Buddha does entreat us to live only in the present moment, thinking neither of the past nor the future."

[doctor-hook.livejournal.com]

"Ravenclaw is one of the dormitories. That's a start. I can show you where that is, if you like."

It wasn't that Hook disliked discussing the metaphysical and chronotopical ramifications of sudden appearances at Hogwarts. He simply felt that would be a totally unproductive discussion for the recently unpopcorned to pursue. To further disorient such a person would not be his goal. Hook was a man of science, yes, but a practical man. He coped with the phenomena of Hogwarts the same way that he'd coped with the ghostly infestations of Rigshospitalet. He rolled with the punches. Instinctively he tried, when asked, to help others do the same.

He didn't mean to withhold information. He just didn't want to supply false, bewildering, and useless information. Disinformation.

"I've always thought Buddhism was onto something, there," he said amiably. "Taking the present moment as it comes."

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

"A dormitory? I see. I would very much like to be shown the way," answered Elizabeth. "I own I am very curious about my prior stay in this place, and I wonder if I still have possessions here, or if there are others who remember me." Her own temperament was mostly easygoing, and she had resolved that there must be some reason she was here, some reason which did not involve slaying the undead. Finding out such a reason might prove extremely entertaining, and she would at the very least never lack for inspiration for her letters back to Longbourne.

[doctor-hook.livejournal.com]

Hook was gradually becoming certain that Miss Bennet's stilted way of speaking wasn't an artifact of the translation enchantment. Her elaborate attire, grease-besmeared though it might be, also served as a fairly significant clue. Acting on the consequent assumption of her origin, he offered her his arm in what felt to him like a hopeless parody of gentlemanly deportment. "Let's go the scenic route, then," he offered. "I'll show you where the Great Hall is, which is where meals and parties are held; and I'll show you where the library is. Then we'll conclude the circuit at Ravenclaw Tower. I ought to warn you, the Ravenclaw common room is something like a tavern."

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

Elizabeth laid her hand lightly on Hook's offered arm. She decided that this man, though unkempt in personal appearance, was nonetheless as much a gentleman as she could wish. "I would like the scenic route very much," she said, smiling. "And as for Ravenclaw, a tavern? That's delightfully scandalous, though I do find myself wondering how anyone can sleep in such circumstances!"

[doctor-hook.livejournal.com]

"I have to say I don't know, since I've never slept there. I'm a Slytherin. Our common room has a goofier tavern-type thing, but I don't think sound carries quite so well in a subterranean dorm like ours." He led her down the major corridors, eschewing shortcuts for now. "Where and when are you from, Miss Bennet?"

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

"I'm from a village called Longbourne," Elizabeth answered. "...In England in the year 1811." She paused, giving Hook a puzzled look. "How far away from that place and time do I find myself now?"

[doctor-hook.livejournal.com]

"Not as far as some. Not quite two centuries." Hook said this as kindly as possible. "What you make of that is up to you, Miss Bennet. It can be pleasant, if you let it. I for one have enjoyed the opportunity for crosscultural and crosstemporal exchange. Meeting you, for example. What's it like to live in Longbourne? Lots of zombies about?"

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

Elizabeth nodded. "They come in prodigious numbers," she answered. "Especially in the wet seasons when the ground is soft. But other than that, well, we manage as best we can. My mother is determined to marry my sisters and me off as soon as she can manage it, so we're forever going to balls and the like and putting in practice in the deadly arts as often as we can." Smiling, she turned the question back on him. "And what is it like to live in this place?"

[doctor-hook.livejournal.com]

"Long stretches of calm, punctuated by crazy times. Like the recent frog rain. I think some people might have caught a few of the frogs to keep as pets," Hook mused. "Then there's the enchanted food, which shows up every now and then. Oh, and every once in a while, a professor actually holds a class. Mind the moving staircase," he cautioned as they approached one.

[ninja-lizzy.livejournal.com]

Lizzy was careful and they managed to traverse the staircase without incident. "I should hardly have believed you had I not found myself covered in butter and salt," she mused. "But... enc hanted food. that could be a problem. Is there a way to tell whether the food one eats is enchanted?"