Compy Post: Get your spiritual questions answered here

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

The compy lab, on the whole, quite baffled Aziraphale. It was a far cry from the thundering voice of God, or, and this had been his personal favorites, the stone tablets with writing on them. Still and all, it was a fascinating invention, and Aziraphale took to spending lots of time in the lab, typing one-fingered and learning to play Where's an egg. (He could not manage the latter without divine intervention, or, as we fallible humans would think of it, cheating.)

On this particular day, however, Aziraphale was feeling more altruistic than usual, and so he decided to venture to post something on the Internet. He was happy that 'Aziraphale', as a screen name, had not been taken. It would have quite discomfited him if there had been another Aziraphale running around.

After some thought, he typed up the following and posted it on the Hogwartsnet.

It seems that the Internet is a good place to examine some of the more troubling questions that effect all of us. I am particularly thinking of spiritual matters. While not an expert, per se, I have some experience with the divine, and, while there are questions I am not allowed to answer, there are many others that I can. If you have a troubled soul, and have spiritual questions, feel free to ask and I will provide answers.

Aziraphale was quite earnest in his desire to help his fellow students with their spiritual delemmas. Also, nobody had bothered to explain the concept of trolling to him. Therefore, it was not so much a question of *what* could go wrong, but rather, *when* would something go wrong?

Comments

[ringo-raver.livejournal.com]

Answer: about now.

Under the screenname appleoverlord, Ryuk types:

I'm a god of death! How much have we pissed you off?

Aziraphale replies:

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

Well, Death is part of the ineffable plan, so you haven't upset me. i do wonder why your kind are so obsessed with apples, though.

Re: Aziraphale replies:

[ringo-raver.livejournal.com]

Cause they taste good!

Re: Aziraphale replies:

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

I suppose there is that, although that seems like a terribly worldly thing to be concerned about.

Posted under the alias Sir Prize

[unluckiest-star.livejournal.com]

I got one! Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Re: Posted under the alias Sir Prize

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

Well, that's a very good question, and is one of those which has no satisfactory answer. Personally, I'm in the chicken camp, because, well, eggs are fertility symbols for you humans and I'd really prefer not to contemplate that.

Re: Posted under the alias Sir Prize

[unluckiest-star.livejournal.com]

Okey-doke-doke. Variation. Which got eaten first, the chicken or the egg?

Re: Posted under the alias Sir Prize

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

The egg. The ancient people weren't so worried about cholesterol, you know.

[methleigh.livejournal.com]

Severus is drawn to the computers, even though they are muggle tools to make up for a a lack of magic. They offer anonymity, at least he thinks they do. He selects a screenname, briefly considering 'princeofdarkness.' spiralstair. It reminds him of home.

Despite his last disastrous foray into this world, and the puzzling revelation of his identity when he had attempted sexual advice, Severus believes this writer to be serious.

"How do you believe one might repair a soul?"

Anyone might ask that, though most live in blissful naive stupidity and wouldn't know how to shred one, let alone repair it.

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

This question struck Aziraphale as terribly important. Clearly, this was a person in need. He actually spent some time thinking about it, before answering.

It seems to me there are several ways one could go about repairing one's soul. In the old days, people were quite fond of self-flagelation, though nowhere is it written that that is required in the ineffable plan. It also hurts a great deal, besides. Now, I think people are much more sensible about this sort of thing. I recommend doing good works. You don't have to announce that you're doing them, either. Anonymous acts of charity work just as well as public ones. Also, surrounding yourself with good people who can assist you in this process will help as well.

I hope that helps.

spiralstair

[methleigh.livejournal.com]

Severus frowns at this. He has had enough of real or metaphoric flagellation, self-imposed of not. Besides, he is reasonably certain it is unrelated to his question. The suggestion of doing good works makes more sense. He has been trying to follow this course. Good people. He rolls his eyes at that as he is alone in the computer lab.

He types again, carefully ensuring it is under the screenname.

How do you believe one can tell to what degree he has been successful, not to cease working but to measure his progress?

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

Very much intrigued by this line of conversation, Aziraphale once more found himself contemplating his answer carefully.

I don't believe it is possible to actually do so. I think this is what gives humans so very much trouble. However, I do believe that the desire for self-improvement is a promising start. I think, too, that you will know you are doing the right thing because you will feel better in the attempt.

Anonymous

[blond-bondshell.livejournal.com]

James Bond had broken most of the Ten Commandments, or quite possibly all of them, depending on how flexible one wanted to be with definitions. He'd also spent quality time with each of the Seven Deadly Sins. Truthfully, though, Envy was something he couldn't get worked up about, and Sloth only came into play on those lost weekends with whatever woman he'd picked up. To be fair, he balanced that out by spending more time with Pride, and he and Lust had been close friends since he was twelve. All in all, Bond was basically screwed when it came to spiritual matters, and he knew it. So why not ask a few questions?

Bond was not going to post messages on the internet under a silly pseudonym, something as boring as jbond or, god forbid, 007-anything. So he left his post anonymous.

Out of all of the sins, which one do you find most damning?

Re: Anonymous

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

Personally? Probably lust. It leads to all sorts of complications the world would be better off without.


That was an easy answer. Hopefully, the anonymous poster did not know what a close, personal relationship the angel had with avarice.

[sugarcube-nazi.livejournal.com]

These new computers were baffling -- he had never really even figured out the ones that were around in 1985. But he was determined to learn the basics now. There might be important information on them about the true nature of this Hogwarts operation...

Instead, the first thing he came across was some kind of forum and an invitation for "spiritual" questions. Grumbling, Rorschach hunched over the keyboard and hunt-and-pecked out the following:

Lying hack. No god and no angels.

Hijacked by appleoverlord

[ringo-raver.livejournal.com]

Then what do you call me?!

Re: Hijacked by appleoverlord

[sugarcube-nazi.livejournal.com]

Delinquent freak.

Re: Hijacked by appleoverlord

[ringo-raver.livejournal.com]

I like that word, delinquent.

Still doesn't change the fact that I'm a god of death, so try again.

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

Aziraphale chose to ignore Ryuk's threadjack.

I assure you, that is simply not true. Angels and demons are very much real, and you could be introduced to God, but I assure you, you wouldn't like the meeting.

[sugarcube-nazi.livejournal.com]

Seen the void where god should be. Seen horrors no god could sanction. If god exists, you're right and I want nothing to do with him. As for angels -- must be as useless and distant as this so-called god.

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

Hmph!

Well, we're not as useless as all that. We did help avert the apocalypse, you know.

Anonymous

[righteous-pen.livejournal.com]

Mikami commented anonymously, as he couldn't think of a screenname he'd ever used that people (or Ryuk) wouldn't guess was him.

How can a follower be sure of knowing his god's will?

He wasn't sure what Aziraphale's advice would be like, but he wasn't going to make the same mistakes again.

Re: Anonymous

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

Well, I would say you're doing it properly if you manage not to get smote or struck by lightning.

Re: Anonymous

[righteous-pen.livejournal.com]

- that was less than helpful.

...he couldn't smite me here, anyway.

Re: Anonymous

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

There is that. Well, honestly, I think if you continue to do good works and try to follow God's teachings, he will be pleased with you regardless.

Slightly more helpful, but perhaps not altogether useful advice.