Application for Griffin: H.G. Wells' Invisible Man

[invisiblemadman.livejournal.com]

The Sorting Room appeared unchanged from one minute to the next, but a new student had joined Hogwarts. The most perceptive persons might have heard the sound of bare feet on stone, but there was no movement until a sheet of paper lifted itself up into the air. Even the quill seemed surprised when a Voice came out of thin air to answer the questions.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Whatever's not moldy," said the Voice. "I should think the reason would be self-explanatory, as tainted food does not do any body well."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Why, what are they after?" the Voice asked, instantly suspicious. "I'll kill the first one after me, the one who wants to do me any harm. Don't think that I won't. I have to protect what's mine."

3. What time is it where you are?
There was a tsk-ing noise. "Time is for fools, and for men who insist on being blind to the new order of the world. They are often the same thing."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
The quill stopped, and the silence was punctuated by a tapping noise, like fingers drumming on the table. "I haven't thought about what I'd do to a woman," the Voice said. "I've had other things to occupy my mind. As with all things, even burglary and petty terrorism lose their charm, and a young man's thoughts might turn to rape. I don't really care for the who. I have no room to comment on beauty. I would take her hard, in the middle of the street, where she would scream and cry and no one would see what terrors had beset her."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"'Daylight.' All the rest of the world is in the dark, compared to me."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"This is not my concern," the Voice said with a helping of contempt.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Fool!" the Voice cried. "You are like me, blind to all but your studies. Mark my words, that paperwork will be the death of you. I suggest disposal by fire. It is such a satisfactory way of dealing with evidence."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
The dryness of the comment was unmistakable. "I think the proof should be evident to all who have eyes to see."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
The tapping noise came back as the Voice considered the bribe. "I find myself lacking for the material goods of the world," the Voice said. "If you should need fingers as light as the wind, eyes to follow your enemies, or ears to discern dark secrets, then I might be of service."

Comments

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"I don't care where you live," the Hat pointed out. "Assigning you a House is more of a tribal thing. We can't have a school without enshrining rigid and inaccurate stereotypes, now can we?" A rhetorical question, obviously. "You can sleep under the bar if you really want to, and if you can stand that loopy Green Fairy. Your official room will be in the dungeons, however. It's quite a cozy dungeon which has been home to many of the wizarding world's brightest stars in their spotty youth!"

[invisiblemadman.livejournal.com]

"I'm not staying in a dungeon," the Invisible Man said firmly, not realizing that he didn't have a choice in the matter.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

The Hat waved its straps about in an airy way that suggested profound unconcern.

"Goodness, you can sleep under everyone else's beds for all I care! Actually, that might be rather entertaining ... lean out to grab their ankles! Mwahaha!"

[invisiblemadman.livejournal.com]

"I'll do what I want, and I'll stay where I want," the Voice said angrily. "I'll not take council from a talking hat."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

The Hat scowled. "Just for that, you get the most unpleasant dungeon accommodations we can offer! Say hello to your new roommate Lezard Valeth!"