unpopcorning and open RP: third time's the charm. (Jaime Lannister)

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

Predictably, disappointingly, the popcorn kernel was like a womb. Jaime dreamed of his mother, a figure he had seen in a dream once before, one he scarcely recalled from life. Joanna Lannister, wife of Tywin, mother of three: golden hair and green eyes like Jaime's and Cersei's, but her sad smile unlike any expression the Lannister twins or the Imp or their father ever had been known to wear. As he had before, he told her it was a dream, and as she had before, Joanna told him to look at his hands. This time, though, he did have two hands. That meant it really was a dream.

He told her so, and laughed in her face. At once she turned into Cersei, which was the worst punishment his dream could have devised. He would rather have interviewed the rotting grinning thing that used to be his father. With that one, he knew where he stood, and where he wanted to stand.

Parchment blackening and crumpled. A good hard smack in the face. Pain, and pain, and pain.

The kernel split like a wound. Eyes gummed shut, fair features slack, Jaime slid forth on a tide of salt-bitter oil. The first task was remembering how to breathe.

"Where's the fucking maester to haul me up by the heels and give me something to cry about?" Gasping, blackly amused by the entire situation, only half-aware he was speaking aloud (the taste of oil clued him in before he'd finished). Speaking from a memory of Joffrey's birth, not a dream of his own.

He remembered everything. Stupid magic castle. Cersei somewhere about, and the Maid of Tarth as well. And the Imp.

Surely it was time for another blissful reunion.

Comments

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

Brienne had gotten into the habit of cruising by the popcorn room every day on some pretext or other in order to be sure that the names on the list of people she had known Before Hogwarts were still there.

But today, a day she'd spent trying to bathe the tribble, a practice that resulted in her clothes being wet and covered in tribble fur, would, of course, be the day that the Kingslayer was no longer on the list.

She froze for a moment with indecision. What would she say to him? Would he know her? How would he react?

Eventually, though, she straightened her spine and walked into the popcorn room.

And there he was, lying on the floor, still almost unbearably good-looking, even covered in oil as he was. Her heart did a funny little lurch, which was nothing to the sudden cheeping cry of Tyrion, who, with amazing strength for a tribble, tore his leash from Brienne's hands and scampered over to Jaime. "Oh, Gods, Jaime! Thank the gods you're back! You have to get me away from this gods-damned harpy!" was the translation of his tribble speak.

"Hello, Jaime," Brienne managed to choke out as she moved closer, offering him a hand up even as she reached down to extricate the tribble, who was climbing up Jaime's leg.

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

A furry thing was clambering up his oily leg. This should not be possible given the general oiliness, but this creature had claws, gods damn it.

Jaime tried to shake it off him. "By the Seven, wench, what animal have you unleashed upon me?"

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

Brienne had finally managed to grab the squealing tribble, which attempted to bite her fingers off for her troubles.

"My apologies, Kingslayer," she said through gritted teeth. "I did not know it would react that way." She managed to resecure Tyrion's leash and tentatively set him back down on the ground, where he proceeded to whimper piteously.

Intent on ignoring her pet, who was always in a foul temper, much like certain Lannisters she could think of, Brienne tried for cordiality. "Are you well?" she asked, and then regretted the question as soon as she'd said it, because obviously being covered in butter did not constitute wellness.

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

... She called him Kingslayer. Ouch. More aptly, touché. It wasn't like he didn't know she hated being called 'wench'.

He didn't like it when anyone else called her 'wench', either.

"I'm already missing a hand. I'd like to keep both legs if I may," he said. "Are the baths still in working order? I could use one."

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

Brienne had regretted calling him Kingslayer as soon as she'd said the words. But she wasn't going to grovel all over herself apologizing for them now. And his question was a good one.

"Yes, they still are," she said. "Does that mean you actually remember where you are?"

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

"Bloody magic castle with my siblings running rampant? If only I were lucky enough to forget." Now that he was on his feet, Jaime felt a little woozy. "Where's my sister?"

Oh, Jaime, you just had to ask.

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

Brienne's expression turned stony. "She remains popcorn," she said stiffly. The "thank the gods" remained completely unsaid.

[vislor-turlough.livejournal.com]

Turlough had witnessed the whole thing from the doorway.

"That's certainly not from Shakespeare," he muttered. "Welcome to Hogwarts, I guess."

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

Jaime shot him a venomous look.

"Thanks ever so kindly, good ser. This marks my second such arrival, making three arrivals in all. Do I win a prize?"

[vislor-turlough.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, a bit of actual pity from me. Three times? Who did you piss off to come here three times?"

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

"Take your pick of gods. I'm sure I've sinned enough to roundly piss off each and every one of them."

[vislor-turlough.livejournal.com]

"Really? Cause I can think of a good lot of them, from at least three planets."

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

Jaime stretched his popcorn-oily limbs. Ugh, he hadn't been in such bad condition since his days in the dungeons at Riverrun. "Perhaps it might be an easier task to list what gods I haven't offended. Are there any gods who don't give a shit about incest, murder, or treason?"

[wolfram-jyari.livejournal.com]

Yuuri wasn't always followed by a trail of screams, stomps and threats which marked Wolfram's companionship. The blond was found complaining to perfect strangers about his wayward fiancé enough to prove that finding the two apart was not entirely unusual, if not appreciated by the demon.

This time they were separated by Wolfram's decision to fetch some water for the both of them before they went to sleep. Even though this scenario once resulted in his possession, so have most scenarios, therefore the blond was not particularly paranoid. He also preferred not to ask the house-elves to fetch a pitcher, as he was particularly paranoid that the house-elves were Planning Something. Although Wolfram was not aware of it, this was based on the fact that the appearance of the house-elves disturbed the demon, and he was happy to think up excuses to dislike them. But, by his brother's orders, he could not properly investigate them either. This was actually to Wolfram's benefit, as now he had ample reason to avoid them as well, no matter their threat.

Wolfram could achieve quite a Xanatos Gambit (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/XanatosGambit), especially when he wasn't consciously trying to. Imagine what would happen if he actually applied himself?

He turned the corner, looked down the hallway, and then immediately turned back around to hide work out tactics. Right. Lannister was back. That was just wonderful. Wolfram hadn't actually spoken to him since the annulment, and had hoped he had returned to him home-world and thus sparing Wolfram from revealing his shame and embarrassment. So far he hadn't even had to inform his brother about his brief (illegal!) marriage. Well, he was not going to huddle here like some frightened maid!

After collecting himself, Wolfram von Bielefeld began to once again walk down the hallway.

"Ser Lannister," he said coolly.

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

Jaime bowed ostentatiously. "What a warm welcome to receive from my own former husband. Please, call me Ser Jaime."

Jaime remembered that episode well. It had been nothing short of ludicrous. Had von Bielefeld seemed at all eager for wedded bliss with the Kingslayer, said Kingslayer would have been pissed off, revolted, and generally cruel. Since von Bielefeld had instead seemed alternately mortified, furious, and resigned, Jaime had allowed his humor full rein.

"How has life been treating you, Ser Wolfram? Have you missed me at all?"

[wolfram-jyari.livejournal.com]

The demon continued to walk forward with what he imagined to be perfect poise. He had such a casual air of disdain that he was walking with his eyes closed and nose pointed upwards. The entire thing actually made him dizzy so he swiftly opened his eyes again and turned back to stare at Lannister.

"Ser. Jaime." He flipped a hand through his hair, which was the von Bielefeld way of implying threat. Only common folk cracked their knuckles. "Well. And I can't say I have missed you very much. Missing implies wanting someone only to have them slip away, perhaps to play baseball or Wack-A-Panda. I never wanted your company." He didn't mention the time he had asked for Jaime to attend the dinner he hosted for Yuuri and that rabbit creature, to prove once and for all that he would make a magnificent husband. Jaime hadn't showed, and the carrotbreadmen got cold in addition to burnt and crumbly.

His tone took an angry edge. "But you needn't concern yourself. You are not my former husband, you are not anything! The talking, magical Hat annulled the marriages and I suspect it had no authority to make them in the first place! I won't allow you to go around bragging about that time and giving people mistaken impressions for the betterment of your reputation and the deterioration of mine!" Wolfram turned his head. "Hmph. Not to mention the deterioration of public trust in my judgment."

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

"Alas for the caprice of talking magical hats." Jaime sighed heavily, for show. Wolfram was just as much fun as he remembered. "Wack-A-Panda will never be the same."

Jaime had not the first clue what Wack-A-Panda was.

[wolfram-jyari.livejournal.com]

"Who would present you the honor of whacking a panda?" Wolfram demanded imperiously. "That is one of our most time-honored tasks, the sport of the Maou!" He glanced at Jaime and twisted the metaphorical dagger. "No human could succeed at it."

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

Jaime remembered the Maou. That teenaged kid who'd been married off to the Easter Bunny. The Maou had introduced himself as something-something Yuuri. He had also warned Jaime that thwarting Wolfram could result in a frustrated Wolfram storming into the closet and refusing to come out.

"The Maou seemed like such a nice lad. Why would he whack a panda?" Jaime assumed an expression of bemused dismay which he in no wise actually felt.

[hopalongmcgurk.livejournal.com]

((Because Jaime's mun clearly needs dwarfly interaction of some point.))

I've heard about the giant kernels of popcorn, and I really want to see them for myself. I'm not expecting to recognize any of the names on the list, and I, in fact, don't. But there is a norm lying on the floor, covered in butter and looking like something out of a Renaissance fair. I almost pass him by except I note the gleam of gold where one of his hands should be.

"That's the most ostentatious prosthetic I've ever seen," I say, hobbling a step closer to look at it. "Does it actually do you any good?"

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

(( chronologically taking place before the Brienne thread, so: ))

Knowing his body was covered in oil, Jaime didn't see any point in rubbing his eyes. That wouldn't clear them of oil, because his good hand was covered in oil too. Thus, his eyes remained closed for the time being. He did not see the woman who addressed him, only heard her voice.

She had a well-modulated voice, sweet and smooth.

"I congratulate you, lady. You are observant." The gold hand was meant to be ostentatious. "You wouldn't happen to have a spare handkerchief, or cloth, or bandage, or anything halfway clean, would you?" He desperately wanted to wipe his eyes.

[hopalongmcgurk.livejournal.com]

I reach into the pocket of my robes and remove some Kleenex. I don't know where the house elves got them, but it never hurts to be prepared. "They won't do you much good," I say, placing them into his good hand. "But they should get some of the grease off."

I take a step back and watch him for a moment. "Well, if it wasn't ostentatious, you'd have gotten a prosthetic that looks real," I point out. "But since it can't be particularly useful, why do you have it at all?"

I don't know why I'm even trying to summon a spark of Arty's PIP bullshit, but I can almost hear him in my head, mocking this stranger for a fucking coward. But at least he didn't pay exorbitant sums of money to have his hand cut off... I hope.

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

Jaime swabbed at his eyes with the weird papery wad of soft stuff the woman had pressed into his hand. Now she was in for it. A Lannister always paid his debts, and he now owed her clear vision (or a wad of paper, as it please you). He spoke while he did so: "My loss of a hand wasn't going to be something I could keep secret. Why not give the people something to stare at, since they'd stare anyhow?"

His lashes mostly clear of Kleenex fibers, he finally beheld his benefactor -- and burst out laughing. "Ye gods, you're my brother's dream woman." That wasn't strictly true. Tyrion liked a good-looking woman as much as the next man, even if Tyrion did have to pay coin for such women. Jaime just couldn't help it. When he thought of sassy dwarves, he thought of his brother.

[hopalongmcgurk.livejournal.com]

I like this one! Who knew?

As he wipes his eyes, I hoist myself so I'm sitting on a popcorn kernel case nearby. "I can respect that," I say. "If they're going to stare, you might as well make it good."

When he laughs and declares I'm his brother's dream woman, I arch an eyebrow. "Is that a compliment? Or are you related to that obnoxious guy in the loincloth who likes conquering monsters? (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1673679.html) Because we've already met (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1677841.html), and there isn't going to be a second date in his future."

[lion-in-white.livejournal.com]

"Oh, it's a high compliment," Jaime asserted, tongue in cheek. "My brother may be the most famous dwarf in the Seven Kingdoms."