Application: Liandra ("Lee"), Fallen Angel comics

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

"Oh, goddammit." The words sounded more pissed than surprised. The woman who had just appeared in the Sorting Room smelled strongly of blood and beer, and when she pushed back the hood of her cloak enough to take in her surroundings her face looked severely annoyed.

"Hm." She pulled up a lock of hair to examine it. Currently--though it would have been hard to tell, cloaked and hooded as she was in her burgandy cloak and dress--she looked almost exactly as she had after her... incident... twenty years ago: long, curly red hair without a hint of gray, blue eyes with no crow's feet accentuating them, and looking for all the world like a woman in her mid-twenties. She frowned. Isn't that interesting. So this probably wasn't anywhere that could technically be called "the real world," then. Out there, she looked older.

She saw the parchment on the room's table, shrugged, and walked over to take a look. As she walked, her feet (bare but for burgundy wrappings, which also adorned her hands and arms) never once touched the room's floor, instead seeming fixed about an inch above the ground.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Huh." She picked up the quill pen that sat by the parchment and wrote, Pizza cheese. Because it goes on pizza.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Normally I'd be happy to kill either one, but let's go with Barney for the moment. Shitty prop comedy doesn't get stuck in my head. She looked around, hoping that the fat purple bastard would shamble in, just inviting her to punch a hole through his ribcage. She hated that song.

3. What time is it where you are?
Since I'm here, it's the time that it is here right now. And here is... Superhuman sense of direction to the rescue! Scotland. And since it's morning in Scotland, it's morning where I am.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
I don't know. Whichever one was best looking. She thought about it, crossed it out, and rewrote her answer as The best looking one who doesn't mind necrophilia, if we're going by the situation in the question.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I don't bartend. I just drink. Preferably at Furor's.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Do you think I give a shit? I don't care if they fuck each other all at once or one after the other, and neither do any of those arrogant fucks in the myths. They don't care about you. They only care about what you give to them. Half of them wouldn't care who this Harry fucked as long as he fucked them first, and the other half would just want to watch whatever was going on. You give these assholes way too much credit, you know that? Fuck 'em all. Sore subject for her? No, not at all!

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Because you're a stupid asshole who doesn't do the paperwork. Or you're a stupid asshole who gets more paperwork than you get rid of. Either way, you're probably a stupid asshole.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
I teach high school gym, so I've developed the ability to be around teenagers for extended periods of time without killing them. I'm also really good at killing people who piss me off. And she could jump really far, hit things really really hard, shoot mystical energy from her eyes and body, and be near invulnerable when she put her mind to it, but it was always worth it to have some things hidden.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Lee's eyes narrowed. For future reference, I don't do so well with warnings. How about this: If I like you okay, I'll see that you get a free drink or two if you ever end up in Bete Noir. Or if you need justice and you don't piss me off, I might help. Maybe. If you deserve it, if you're not a complete idiot and if--this is the most important one--I don't have anything better to do.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Lee
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Lee
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Lee
One day, marmalade will rule the world. Lee

((Yes, she's a fallen guardian angel. Her canon says: "There is something of the divine about [Lee]. But rather than suffusing [her], it hangs over [her] like a shroud." Therefore, anyone with the ability to sense that sort of thing has the go-ahead to do so without asking me.))

Comments

[red-eyed-l.livejournal.com]

"I wouldn't trust you with any sort of 'justice' if my life depended on it, Liandra."

[[ooc: he can see other people's real names, hence the name call here.]]

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

((*thumbs up*))

"Your call," she said, shrugging. "Do I know you?"

[red-eyed-l.livejournal.com]

"Probably not. You may have heard of me, but you don't know me personally."

[woocha.livejournal.com]

Wishbone looked in fascination at her hovering over the floor.

Cool. How did you do that?

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

Aw. A talking dog. She really couldn't help but smile a little, bitter as she was. Hey, it was a talking fucking dog.

"Trade secret. Probably not for innocent little doggie ears to hear."

[woocha.livejournal.com]

Awww... but Wishbone wasn't really bitter about that. Is knowing that you're here a trade secret too? Or did you want to come to Hogwarts?

[wright-phoenix.livejournal.com]

"Need justice? Heh, you aren't a defense attorney, are you?"

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

"Nope. I'm more of an independent contractor."

[angelicbadboy.livejournal.com]

((Oh, Brice just has to meet this one... He's a former Fallen teenage angel, so if Lee would sense this, she's absolutely welcome to. Cool app. =) ))

Something about her... Oh yeah, Brice knew this kind of vibe. Hell, he'd had this kind of vibe himself not that long ago, and the memory of it was something that stuck with you.

"Neat trick," he commented, nodding at her hovering figure. He wondered if it was something she did all the time, and if people noticed. He hadn't gone for hovering himself back when he was a bad guy, since it had been too tightly connected with Heaven and the shiny little angels above, and Brice'd done everything in his power to cut the strings attached to that place when he Fell. It would have made it less painful.

"So why are you here?" the angel asked next, with his arms carefully crossed over his chest. Asking was smart. He could only hope that she wasn't going to pair up with Maia and do bad things. Judging by Lee's application, she had some issues.

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

((Hee! Just for your knowledge, her kind of "fallen" seems pretty different from the Angels Unlimited kind. She didn't go evil, she just got kicked out of heaven. Get her drunk enough and she'll tell you aaaaall about it :-P Also, her version of God is kind of suicidal. It's weird.))

She hadn't been an angel in over two decades, but she could still recognize one when she was near it. Even Malachi, traitorous bastard that he was, had that certain air to them.

She glared daggers at him--not like her eyes could really be seen under her hood, but still. "Oh, fuck you. It's not a trick." Heaven will not have you, hell will not receive you, and even the earth itself will reject you. "I'm here because someone somewhere decided that they haven't dicked around with me enough lately."

[carri3-whit3.livejournal.com]

"...You're a high school gym teacher? ...And you kill people?"

Carrie's eyes were wide, and she sounded awestruck.

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

((Sorry about the delay, I was just leaving work when you sent this!))

"It's not like I do both at the same time," she said, amused. "And trust me, they're bad people. The ones I kill, not my students. They're mostly still learning how to be people, so they get a lot of leeway."

[hunter-pokkuru.livejournal.com]

Pokkuru hadn't been sorted yet, but he didn't feel like that was a good excuse not to greet the other applicant.

"You do know it's pretty much illegal to kill someone without becoming a blacklist hunter, right?"

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

"One: Like I give a shit. Two: I don't know what a blacklist hunter is, and even if I did, I still wouldn't give a shit."

[aquilus-albel.livejournal.com]

Albel had been avoiding Sortings recently; they never seemed to lead anywhere remotely interesting unless he got seriously insulting. But here was someone who didn't seem like a complete fool. He leaned against the wall, staring at the applicant from under a fringe of black hair. "Useful skill, managing to not kill teenagers. Wish I could say the same sometimes; I'm surrounded by the worms, and the urge is nearly overwhelming."

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

"Well, you can't kill them if you're supposed to be teaching them, so it's more of a learned skill. It does wonders for developing patience. Besides, they can't help being exasperating. It's when they don't grow out of it that it becomes a problem."

[computerwizkid.livejournal.com]

Dairine was halfway through the application when Spot, who looked more or less like a macbook with legs and eyestalks, chimed in from somewhere around her ankles.

"Uh-oh," he said. Dairine glanced down at him, a little unnerved, and went back to the application.

"I'm always a little amazed by how many people around here mention killing on the Hufflepuff question," she said. "Probably should mention that it's completely impossible to kill people here, though. You might want to take that into account before you start attacking people."

"Uh-oh," Spot repeated. Dairine nudged him with a toe.

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

"...what that hell is that?" She was pretty sure she'd never seen a computer with eyes and legs mentioned in the news before, or in any of the catalogs that they sent her schools (which always pissed her off because it wasn't like the schools could ever afford the nice ones.)

[wicked-howell.livejournal.com]

Howl couldn't help but add his two cents, even if his better judgment said to avoid the entire matter. But sometimes a person lapsed, not like he could claim he had never had a laps in judgment before. Anyway, he felt it was his duty to give all women a chance.

"You seem quite the confrontational sort," he spoke softly with a hint of humor behind his voice.

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

"Do you like stating the incredibly obvious, or are you doing a favor for the oblivious folk in the crowd?"

[beantheory.livejournal.com]

"You swear an awful lot," Bean commented. (It seemed like a suitably childlike thing to say.) What he really wanted to know, though, was...

"How are you hovering?"

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I do. It's what old ladies like me do: swear, drink, and smoke."

She looked down and chuckled. "You know, if I'd known so many people were going to ask me about that, I'd have brought shoes. 'Course, I'd have had to have known I was coming here first. Anyway, it's like how magnets don't touch each other on the same end."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"The ability to be around teenagers for extended periods of time without killing them is a skill that will really come in handy at Hogwarts!" The Hat definitely approved. "It's impossible to kill anyone here, you know! Even if they're extremely annoying!"

[drunkexguardian.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, I heard." She wasn't disconcerted by the talking hat. She'd seen a lot of really weird things in her considerable time. "What do you do about the annoying ones?"

Slytherin!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Slytherin!