Application for Sebastian Valmont, Cruel Intentions

[m-valmont.livejournal.com]

Sebastian Valmont heard his step-sister's final line "Happy Hunting, Sebastian", as he closed the double doors behind him, with a loud crash.

That was unusual. As was the sudden deviation from his Manhattan home, into this strange stone room. With a desk. Sitting on top of it was a piece of paper, with a quill. And his journal. There was also the ashtray with his cigarette.

"How peculiar. I don't recall taking some of Kathryn's coke." He paused, and then chuckled "Nice try Kathryn. Could you be more desperate?"

He sat at the desk and read the piece of paper. It was bizarre.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Cheese?" A Vacherin Mont d'Or. It's fabulous as a fondue.

Perhaps, he thought, it was some kind of psychological test. The next question cemented that within his mind.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"How... intriguing." I would certainly kill neither entertainer, as that would be both deranged, and illegal. Nor can I condone or endorse anyone else committing such an act.

What he neglected to include was the line: Even if they are exceedingly dull. Murder wasn't quite his style, you see.


3. What time is it where you are?
He glanced at his watch, and wrote Apparently it is 4:43 in the Afternoon.

"What's the point of this insanity, Kathryn? Are you that bored?"

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

He stared at the page. The names mean absolutely nothing to him, but this was obviously some sort of trap. Slowly, and calmly he began to write.

As my therapist will attest, I am cured of those desires. And anyway, they are brought on by bad parenting, as I'm sure her book will attest. It's by Doctor Regina Greenbaum. You really should read it.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

The Journal seems somewhat appropriate. Filled with all manner of dark secrets. Or perhaps Les Liaisons dangereuses. I'm told I used to have a striking similarity with the Vicomte of the story. He even had my name, would you believe?

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

I could introduce you to my therapist, if you'd like. You seem troubled. She helped me, I know that. Perhaps you would also benefit from it. Or I could offer you a weekend on my Aunt Helen's estate. That might be more your tastes. It's beautiful out there.



"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. SV
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. SV
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Just yours. SV.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. SV

Comments

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Goodness, the laws of narrative comedy are so lax these days, aren't they?

Here comes Maia, leafing through the application with a look of distaste. 'You have read Les Liaisons dangereuses, haven't you?' She pronounces the French title with ease. 'You don't get off so lightly,' she purrs, revelling in the pun.

[m-valmont.livejournal.com]

Sebastian had red Les Liaisons dangereuses, but there was not a chance in hell he was admitting anything. So instead he gave the punk-rock-girl a look, calm and steady.

"No, I haven't, I'm afraid. Why? Is there something important inside it that I should be aware of?"

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

'Only mentions of your namesake's extremely painful death,' Maia says casually, leaning on the table. 'Nothing much to worry about if you don't duel on a regular basis, however. Don't go bragging about famous literary allusions when you haven't read the damn book, okay?'

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

Albus Dumbledore puttered into the Sorting Room. He really did need to get his welcome-to-new-style-Hogwarts orientation pamphlet written, he reflected. These poor students kept being drawn into the Sorting Room by some magical equivalent of a tractor beam, and they didn't know the first thing about wizarding let alone talking hats.

Today he was attired in his favorite purple robes and high-heeled boots, with the matching hat. Big silver buckles adorned hat and boots. His long white beard had been neatly tied in a beard-ponytail, and his glasses' lenses had been freshly cleaned to a clear shine. He felt as snazzy as an old gay-verging-on-asexual wizard could feel.

"Hello, hello, my boy," he greeted Sebastian jovially. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

[m-valmont.livejournal.com]

Sebastian is not one to look surprised, if he can help it. So while there is a mild twitch at the words "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry", his face is mostly deadpan. Of course, it's taking a lot of self-control, because his brain is currently screaming "OMG IT'S BLAINE, EXCEPT MORE FABULOUSLY TACKY."

If Sebastian had a gaydar (which he doesn't, alas), it probably would've exploded.

"I like your outfit. It's fagtastic" He almost said fagtacular, but fagtastic is easier to pretend you didn't say fag. "Witchcraft and wizardry you say?"

Wow, this post has degenerated

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

Dumbledore performed a quick (and idiosyncratic) translation:

fagtastic = fag + -tastic as in fantastic
fag = cigarette

therefore Sebastian thought Dumbledore's outfit was smokin'.

"The same to you, my boy, the same to you. I am Albus Dumbledore, former headmaster of this school, presently professor emeritus. We are indeed a school of witchcraft and wizardry, which means that you are a wizard!"

:D

[m-valmont.livejournal.com]

Hokay, this is a little too odd for Sebastian. It's obviously some sort of trick, developed by Kathryn. I mean... ALBUS? DUMBLEDORE? Dear God, what ever possessed him to keep that name.

"Well, I have been called a wizard once or twice." Along with bastard, and plenty of other insulting terms. "But I don't think we're talking about the same thing"

And Dumbledore's outfit is rather smokin'. It might need a bit more help though, just to ensure it combusts.

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

"I am talking about magic, in all its wondrous and multifarious forms! I speak of literal wizardry. There is no reason why those born outside wizarding society should not avail themselves of the finest wizarding education to be had, and that is to be had at Hogwarts!"

Hogwarts pride!

[fabernathy.livejournal.com]

The applicant was slim, blonde, and well-dressed, and Francis was instantly intrigued. The therapist thing put him on his guard, though -- they'd tried to stick him with one of those before, God forbid, and he dreaded to think of the effect it might have had.

"What did she do, exactly?" he asked skeptically, brushing a speck of dust from his black cashmere sweater. "This therapist of yours."

[m-valmont.livejournal.com]

Sebastian was intrigued. The man smelled of money, and style, and all those things that the upper crust of Manhattan absolutely adore. Obviously he was in good company.

"The Doctor? She overcharged, mostly." There was a smirk, as he remembered Marcie, and then he looked back at the gentleman.

"Sebastian Valmont" Hand out ready to shake, if the good sir chooses.

[fabernathy.livejournal.com]

"Well, she certainly sounds like a great help," Francis replied, arching a brow. He still wasn't certain what to think: had he lied on the application? That was really neither here nor there, but if so, why was he giving it up so easily? Interesting.

Almost as interesting as the name. "Sebastian Valmont?" he echoed, a cool smile on his lips. He studied the proferred hand briefly before reaching out to shake it. "Francis Abernathy."

[m-valmont.livejournal.com]

He's not a perfect liar, although he's very good at it. Besides, he thinks he sees a compatriot in Mister Frances Abernathy. Hoyes. Especially in that fabulous sweater.

"Abernathy? As in the Boston Abernathys? How intriguing."

[fabernathy.livejournal.com]

Francis conceded with a nod. "And you would be Sebastian Valmont of the New York Valmonts, which is intriguing indeed. There aren't very many people like us about, you see."

Although he was still sizing up Sebastian, still trying to figure out if the young man was indeed 'people like us' at all. There were plenty of names out there -- hell, the Corcorans were still a name on Long Island and they were a bunch of broke, classless pigs. The question was, was Sebastian worthy of his?

He certainly looked the part more than Bunny had, at any rate...

[m-valmont.livejournal.com]

"Indeed I am. And of course there aren't many people like us. If there were, there would be no reason to be us." Man, he's arrogant. "But, since we are us, we are definitely a cut above the rest. I like the outfit by the way. Wherever did you get it?"
There may be a hint of a sneer in there, somewhere. Sebastian thinks he's better than anyone. Mostly because there's very few people he can't have, and thus he must be made of awesome.

[fabernathy.livejournal.com]

Francis had no trouble at all with arrogance, as long as it wasn't followed up with ignorance or, worse, tastelessness. With someone like Bunny, it was all overcompensation; but with someone like Henry, it meant pure competence, and while Francis had never found himself drawn to Henry that way, there was no denying that there was a certain power in power.

The important thng was not to get bowled over by it too easily. The boy had a certain appeal, but he was no Charles god, nor even a Ganymede. Francis cocked his head and returned Sebastian's entirely superior grin. "Oh, do you like it? It's all hand-tailored, of course. Who does yours? He did a spectacular job with your shirt."

Just to see what would happen, Francis reached out and pretended to pick a thread from the shoulder of Sebastian's shirt with the very tips of his fingers -- almost not touching him at all. "Anyway," he went on. "What bought you to Hogwarts?"

[lady-h3ath3r.livejournal.com]

"I've seldom known therapy to cure those kinds of...urges," Lady Heather purred. "At best I've known people who found ways of...channeling...those impulses."

She ran her fingers over the whip looped in the other hand. "So tell me, Monsieur Valmont, what am I to make of your claim?"

[m-valmont.livejournal.com]

"My claim, miss? Which claim is that?" The boy was all wide-eyed innocence and contrition. At least so it would appear. Inside his brain, he's all scheming and sizing up this rather attractive lady. She's certainly not your average Manhattan Debutante, and thus might make for an interesting dalliance.

She also reminds him of Kathryn in parts.

"As for channelling, you're right. I do photography these days. Might I say that you have killer legs. I'd love to photograph them."

All soft, and innocent, and not threatening at all.

[lady-h3ath3r.livejournal.com]

"Why, your claim to be cured of tendencies toward sexual harassment, of course. Pace Dr. Greenbaum."

She smiled at the compliment. "Why yes you may say. Very well-behaved of you to ask. I do so like that."

[m-valmont.livejournal.com]

"Well, it wasn't so much sexual harassment, as... I was not a nice person. I hurt people, and I'm not proud of it. But Doctor Greenbaum says it's all behind me now."

Just like I was behind her daughter, you might say.

"Might I have the chance to take your photograph if the chance comes?"

[lady-h3ath3r.livejournal.com]

"Hmm. There are those who put themselves in the position of being hurt, you know. Some of them even recognize it, and accept some of the responsibility." She lifted an eyebrow. "Some of them find it quite liberating to give in to those tendencies. In a controlled setting, with strict adherence to the rules."

That got a small, throaty laugh. "I'm sorry, Mr. Valmont. I don't allow men to take liberties with my person. Not without express consent, and adequate compensation. We might discuss it, if the chance comes."

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"Hi there!" The redhead announced as a greeting. "I'm Ron!" And he was, indeed, Ron.

"So, you're going to be in a Muggle book? That's a real big deal. I saw a Muggle therapist once, too. It was sorta an accident, though. You see, I was doing a favor for some girl," Ron had a tendency to do favors for some girls, "And this was about her thinking that someone had his way with her cow, Macy. She was an Austrian farmgirl. So I found a therapist from having a Muggle friend use her computer machine to look up something called findtherapist.com. (http://findtherapist.com/) And it totally turned me out in the wrong direction, but that was alright."

Ron widened his eyes, and because he didn't want Sebastian to worry about Macy needlessly, said, "Oh, by the way, turns out the act was totally consensual. Were-Bulls, you know," he chuckled.

[m-valmont.livejournal.com]

Blink.

Blink.

Stare.

"Ron, you say? Why don't you just slow down, and tell me what this Farm girl did to her cow."

This sounds kinky, and Sebastian wants to know more.

He's ignoring the were-bull thing at the moment. Not wanting to know.

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

But, oh, Ron wanted to share. "Eloise, that was the farm girl, didn't do anything with her cow except worry about her. She thought that she had been, you know, abused, and she asked me too help out, since I was staying over in their barn. And I needed to get the heat off me, I guess, because I learned that whenever there's a crime, they first point to the stranger. And to the redheads, too, which is weird."

He shrugged his shoulders but carried on. "Anyways, there was a bloke who worked at the stables, a real nice fellow. About my dad's age. And he was a were-bull. He didn't like cows normally, though. He's not that strange. And really, were-bulls are much nicer than werewolves, who are perfectly nice people normally, but turn crazy when they're in their wolf state. I think were-bulls just like to have sex with cows. And to charge redheads." Ron sighed again as he covered his head. "That's how I discovered the were-bull, actually."

He smiled in a way that he hoped would ease any of Sebastian's fears for the Ron of the Past. "He was transforming, and I was tucking in for the night. And he was halfway through when he just... saw red and off he went! Luckily I could close the door fast enough, and smash! He was knocked out." And the mystery was solved.

[caprica-6.livejournal.com]

Caprica skimmed the application, then paused. "You claim that your desires required cures and were brought on by bad parenting. What would make you think something like that?"

No, really, she was curious. To Caprica, desire was a gift from God and not one that she wished to deny. As Gaius and D'anna could confirm, were they here to be asked.

[so-strong-sad.livejournal.com]

If Strong Sad's eyes could have taken the shape of anything else but sideways commas, they would have gone starry.

"You've gone to therapy? What's it like?"

Strong Sad always wanted to go to therapy, but no one offered those sorts of services in Free Country USA. Well, Bubs offered almost anything if you paid for it, but if you told him something like, "I'm depressed, and I think it might be because my brothers regularly smear toothpaste in my eyes," his response would be something like, "That's why ya gotta stop brushin' yo' teeth!"

Not helpful.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"I seem troubled, do I?" the Hat asks flouncily. "I'm the one who's supposed to be judging you, and not the other way around! But now that you've gone there, I'll hear you out. What exactly is so troubled about me, hmmmmmmmmmm?"

Slytherin!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

(( As the character never replied to the Hat, this is receiving a summary Sorting to clear it from the open apps list. <3 ))

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to the house of hot men Slytherin!