Rodent care, with your host, Ron Weasley! (closed for Ron and Camilla)

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

Hamsters were not magical creatures.

Perhaps this was why Camilla was having a very, very difficult time finding any real information about hamster care. The Hogwarts library naturally catered to the subjects covered in wizarding education. Oh, there were some general books on the subject of mundane mammals, but nothing really specific. Camilla needed specific information. Care, feeding, maybe whether it was possible to neuter a hamster ... that kind of thing.

Instead, she found herself puzzling over a book entitled Small, Furry, and Eating of Young: The Insidious Relationship Between Hamsters and Latvians. It was ... full of exclamations. Many vehement exclamations. It did happen to contain a brief discussion of neutering, but not in relation to hamsters.

Camilla's eyes had gone very, very wide as she read. She knew it wasn't going to be any use, this book, but it was like the proverbial trainwreck. She just couldn't look away.



((Credit to Ron-mun for the book title >> ))

Comments

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

Ron had been hanging around the area of the library for some time. And by hanging around the area of the library, really he was just hanging around a specific stack. And by hanging around- Ok, this is getting boring. Ron was spying on the volume Camilla was perusing through a hole in the stacks.

The wizard had not completely forgotten Dumbledore's orders. He just got a little sidetracked when all his efforts to find out more about these furries were in vain. He had taken out that specific book, whose author must have been descended from this wonderful piece of work (http://www.independent.ie/travel/travel-advice/the-rudest-travel-book-ever-written-1091634.html), but he had not found it helpful in the slightest. Well, it had taught him more about the man with the funny hat. According to whichever Muggle Ron was talking to at the time, this man was either their version of Voldemort or Dumbledore. Without the creepy kinkiness.

Anyways, even though he didn't find anything about furries, Ron left the volume there as bait. Perhaps the knowledge contained in it would draw furries who wanted to know about themselves, or who wanted to smuggle out information. Or even better, people who, like Ron, were interested in furries, but also completely confused.

So when he saw Camilla looking at the book, he was torn between continuing to spy and discover her intentions, or to assume she was a fellow furry hunter and start up a conversation. Ron chose the latter, if only for his need to defend the citizens of Latvia.

"I wouldn't put much credit into that book," he spoke up. Ron then moved out from behind the bookcase. "For instance, I know for a fact that not all Latvians are kidnappers. After all, if they were, who would be left to kidnap? Ridiculous. Also, they are generally clean, and don't always beat their wives."

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

Transfixed by the bizarre book, Camilla hadn't been listening or watching for anyone approaching, and the unfamiliar voice startled her a little. "Oh!" She snapped shut the book, more out of reflex than anything else, then laughed a little.

It was a tall young man she'd never met. He looked a little like the Weasley twins, or like the Weasley twin she'd met, anyway (but both the Weasley twins looked alike anyway, obviously) -- George, the one who'd given her and Henry a box of 'wizard wheezes' for a wedding gift, and who'd gotten her to wear a green pimp hat very briefly. But he wasn't one of the Weasley twins. He had a tan, for one thing. A tan plus freckles, no less.

"I don't know that hamsters would be very good at kidnapping, either," she said forthrightly.

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

Ron held up both hands, looking somewhat chagrined. "Sorry to startle you. I just noticed you were, uh, reading a book I borrowed a while ago." He smiled and nodded at her observation.

"Right. I think she really lost track of her main argument right about there. She doesn't mention hamsters against for a good thirty pages." Ron hadn't read those pages, but he did skim! Unfortunately it was hard to keep track of pages with library books, you couldn't mark them up a decent amount without receiving some terrible curse. Though really, anything Ron could have added would only have made the book better. Even if it was a doodle of Malfoy being turned into a ferret.

"So," Ron started, getting back to the matter at hands. "Are you planning on visiting Latvia? I haven't been there, but I've been in Lithuania for a stop. There was a festival, there were masks, it was brilliant."

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

"A festival? With masks?" This snagged Camilla's interest. "--Oh. No, I'm not thinking of going to Latvia, not any time soon. Though I'm sure it's a lovely place and I certainly don't believe that the people there eat their own young, or are furrier than other people. I'm going to be keeping a pet hamster, that's all. So I'm trying to look for things about hamsters."

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"Oh." Ron said, looking somewhat disappointed. He then looked back and forth, and tried again. "About the hamsters, isn't it interesting that they're furry? I mean, they're the fuzziest things you're going to get to fit in your palm. So really, if you were studying furries, they would be the go to animal. So, are you? Studying furries?"

Ron: Ninja Wordsmith.

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

... The go-to animal?

"I might study them if I knew what they were," Camilla hedged, ever polite. "Is that a specialty of yours?"

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

Ron snorted in a highly improper manner. "I wish. Look, sorry I said anything." He looked around himself again, and said, "I'm really not supposed to be talking about it. Believe me, you do not want to get yourself involved. I wish a certain someone provided me the same courtesy, honestly, with the goose-chase I'm on."

He shrugged and held out a long hand. "Hi there, I'm Ron. So... are you planning on keeping a hamster for a pet?"

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

Curious, Camilla followed Ron's glances about. Who might be eavesdropping? And why would they care about hamsters, Latvians, or furry things?

She had vague visions of PETA protesters angry about fur. Except that she didn't know if they had PETA in Scotland, especially wizarding Scotland. Hm.

She shook his hand when he offered it. "I'm Camilla Winter. And yes, I am going to be keeping a hamster, if I can figure out the best way to go about it. It's not dangerous, surely?"

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"Hamsters? Naw! They're the gentlest things this side of the world. Um, unless you're a hamster baby, though. Then things get a bit creepy. But then, I'm biased. I had a pet rat for a while. Long story short, he turned out to be Death Eater in disguis who helped murder my best mate's parents. And he got my bloody leg broke."

He gave her a grin he hoped would be comforting. "So hamsters are easy street next to that. Really, all you need is a cage, pellets, and a wheel."

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

"Gentle?" Hm. Maybe making Bunny into a hamster would be an improvement in several ways! "Except that they do eat their own babies? Well, I don't think I'm necessarily going to keep a pair of hamsters, anyway. Just one male one." So she supposed she couldn't justify neutering him after all. A pity, really -- after Bunny's little Obliviation stunt, she felt he rather deserved the additional humiliation of eunuchdom.

Turning him into a fuzzy little animal that ran in a wheel for entertainment might be enough to satisfy her desire for vengeance, given she couldn't kill him, and maiming him was useless in a place where almost anything could be healed. (Maybe his little hamster testicles could even grow back, if she did have him neutered! Who could say? She never had tested the no-kill rule, or the powers of regeneration that it must entail.)

"I want it to be a nice cage, though. Something I wouldn't mind having around, because I want to be able to keep an eye on my hamster. Also, I'm very sorry to hear about your leg. And your friend's parents," she added as an afterthought. "Are you all better now?"

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"Oh yes, completely!" Ron announced. "That was in my third year, after all, so my leg's all better now. So are my mate's parents, to be honest. They still can't give Harry back all the years they were apart, though. And I think one of them might be popcorn." The freckled boy shrugged. He and Harry hadn't talked about it yet.

"I think the mums might, sometimes. Maybe if you keep them full, they'll leave the little ones alone. But you know you're just going to keep one, right? Then that shouldn't be a problem." Ron paused, thinking back for a moment. Camilla was a very pretty girl, and helping out attractive women had become something of a habit for him. A calling, even. From Ron's experiences traveling the world, this hobby led to invitations to parties, trips, and opportunities to continue his adventures. So it had become a tradition that was hard to break. The redhead thus felt that he should have more to add to this subject.

"You know, I have heard of what Muggle's call a 'show,' called Hamster Hotel. I've never actually seen it, but I know of a spell I could cast which would allow us to watch it whenever. I think it might give you a good idea on how to raise a hamster. And how to run a hotel!"

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

Parties, trips, opportunities for adventure? Socializing with Camilla could get you that, maybe, yes:

• if your idea of a party was a drunken orgy in the middle of the woods. In Vermont. In November.


• if your idea of a trip was a drive about an hour away to someone's great-aunt's country house. Full of dust. And old books. With nothing to do but play croquet and drink a lot.


• if your idea of an opportunity for adventure could stretch to include the chance to become a conspirator in small-scale murder and other ancillary crimes.

Perhaps we are too harsh in this assessment. Actually, at Hogwarts, Camilla tended more toward small soirees with murderous monks, demonic serial killers, and resurrected zombie noblewomen. Oh, and don't leave out Henry Winter, who should fit somewhere into that list.

Ron could avail himself of these opportunities! For Camilla found him quite an engaging young man. He was friendly, he was informative, and he might make a lovely match for Francis. (Francis adored straight men, after all.)

"A show? Do you mean like television? You know, I have a computer machine (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1376366.html) that might be able to show those. It's modified to be able to work here. Not that I want to run hotels, but I would like to see the show about hamsters, I think. Unless it's about the hamsters eating babies," Camilla amended.

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

Well, Ron's idea of a party was really just getting together with good people who told you jokes and stories while getting a little drunk. That was why he was so surprised by that orgy in Venice! Ron ended up wandering the streets in the middle of February in a toga. Which was during an opportune moment, for that was when he was absconded by time-traveling bounty hunters.

And Ron's idea of a drive wasn't too accurate either. Once while riding on a quaint little road in the New Zealand countryside, Ron had decided to take a short-cut under a bridge. Cars can't swim; who knew? Ron didn't!

And while he was never a conspirator in a small-scale murder, he was a conspirator in a large-scale art heist. But that was for the greater good of fixing the time-space continuum. Oddly enough, this was in no way connected to the time where he was absconded by time-traveling bounty hunters.

"A computer machine!?" Ron was officially amazed by the resources Camilla had at her disposal. He found computers somewhat inexplicable and a little terrifying too. He behaved around his friends' laptops as if they were a book assigned by Hagrid. If anyone had the nerve to use a computer, they were alright by Ron's mind. "Then maybe we don't need a spell at all! We could just have your computer machine find 'Hamster Hotel' for us." Ron had an ulterior motive, as well. Perhaps he could convince Camilla to help him find out more about these 'furries' on her computer machine. He didn't think it would agree to work with just him!

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

"We could. It sounds much more promising than this terrible slanderous book." Camilla slipped the offending book back onto the shelf, in the gap she vaguely thought it used to occupy, between 50 Ways to Leave Your Llama and Chinchilla Junction.

"If you'll come back to Gryffindor common room and wait just a moment for me, I can bring the computer down, and we can have a look. Unless you'd rather some other time?"

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"No, I have the time now!" Ron protested. "I'm looking forward to it. I used to be a Gryffindor, you know, and it will be great seeing the old common room again. That or it will be an attack on my childhood which I'll never recover from. But either way, I'm feet first!" That said, Ron abandoned his stake-out and headed to Gryffindor.

The old habit still held true.

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

As it turned out, Ron knew a quicker way from the library to Gryffindor common room than Camilla had previously known about. The shortcut was made quicker still by the fact Ron was walking briskly and had long legs. Camilla spent most of the walk behind him rather than abreast of him, so there really wasn't much conversation. That was all right. They were both thinking of hamsters, no doubt.

She left him in the common room not long at all before coming down again with her steampunk laptop (http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/laptops/working-steampunk-laptop-207297.php). Unfolding it on one of the study tables, she apologized pre-emptively: "I really don't know anything about the inner workings of this thing, so I won't be able to answer questions. I just know how to turn it on and use some of the programs."

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

Well, Ron was on a mission. He was on a double mission, even! To find more about furries, and to help the stranger he had just met. The latter was easy, he did it all the time. And luckily, the helping Camilla bit would probably be helpful for him as well. She had access to a Computer Machine!

He waited in Gryffindor amicably, no longer feeling that shot of envy that he used endure when thinking of his former House. He didn't stay in Slytherin enough for it to cause any trouble for him, and he now had to admit that he projected a lot of his personal problems with Ginny or Harry or that bloody puppet onto his stay in Slytherin as a whole. A visit with a Muggle therapist in Vienna helped him realize that!

He smiled at Camilla as she spoke, and nodded enthusiastically. "I don't know the inner workings of cars, but I can still fly 'em. Just not on water though."

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

"Yes, exactly like that." Camilla didn't know anything about car maintenance, either. There were lots of practical things Camilla had never cared to know anything about.

The computer made a not-unpleasant chiming sound. "Don't worry, it's not broken. It just shows us that clunky logo until it's loaded everything up," Camilla explained. There was a curious-looking thing that looked a little like half a golden Snitch plugged into the back of the laptop via a cord, and Camilla moved it around on the desk (lacking a mousepad). "All right, this is open now. This is a search engine," remembering the term that she'd been taught; the browser's home page had been set to such a thing, luckily. "I just have to type 'Hamster Hotel' into this little box," which she did.

A moment later, they were presented with a list of results. Camilla clicked on the first.

A window opened.

A rock-instrumental version of "Hotel California" began to play, with a hobbity voiceover talking about hamsters ...

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

Ron watched over Camilla's shoulder, staring at the screen with complete attention. From the other Computer Machines he saw on his journey, or toplaps, they just touched a pad on the bottom half. He hadn't really seen that object which was connected to Camilla's computer with a funny looking rope before.

As she moved it around the desk, Ron anxiously warned her, "It's moving!" But then he quieted. He grew especially quiet when the music began, with images of the hamsters being shown, as well as brief introductions.

~
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
~

Madame Fuzzymittens: "The Leader Who Loves and Leaves" (http://education.vetmed.vt.edu/Curriculum/VM8054/Labs/Lab24/IMAGES/hamster2.jpg)

~
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
~

Spigglets: "Nose for Danger" (http://blogging.la/archives/hamster.jpg)

~
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
~

Baron von Duplicity: "Social Problems" (http://eclectech.co.uk/b3ta/posh-hamster-wallpaper.jpg)

~
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
’this could be heaven or this could be hell’
~

Soco: "Bulimic" (http://www.petwebsite.com/hamsters/hamsters_images/hamster_1301300.jpg)

And it went on...

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way

Mr. Wiggles: "Resident Nerd" (http://www.maniacworld.com/Hamster-Video-Game-Maze.jpg)

~

Gunhaver: "The Militiaman" (http://witze.net/funpics/hamster_with_gun.jpg)

There were voices down the corridor

~

Lulubelle: "Kleptomaniac" (http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/6041/hamster003oj1-main_Full.jpg)

I thought I heard them say...

~

Wide-eyed, Camilla watched the dramatis personae parade across the screen in captioned still-shots. "Oh my. I didn't know hamsters had so many issues."

"Last week, on Hamster Hotel: we weren't afraid to tackle the issues," announced a smug male voice-over. It sounded uncomfortably similar to Tinky Winky's Narrator.

"Soco confronted Mr. Wiggles, only to get a taste of her own medicine when Wiggles turned the house against her in a no-holds-barred intervention! Spigglets sniffed out a cache hoarded by Lulubelle -- or so he thought! Was Baron von Duplicity the real thief? Stay tuned to find out!"

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

Ron's eyes were equally wide as he watched the scenes play out in Hamster Hotel. "I didn't know that Muggles had so many issues," he commented. His voice lowered into a whisper, as he hissed in excitement, "Or that they could talk to hamsters!"

After the commercials the show came back on air. "Baron von Duplicity approached Lulubelle with a deal. 'My dear girl, I believe I have you in a bind. Unless you properly accuse Spigglets of a cocaine addiction, I shall... out you, let's say, as our resident thief. Mwa ha. Mwa ha ha ha!' Damn Baron von Duplicity. Damn him and his social problems."