Application: Blair Waldorf, from "Gossip Girl"

[queenbeewaldorf.livejournal.com]

((For the record, Blair's canon is going to be from the television series version of Gossip Girl, not the books.))

What kind of school hired ugly little midgets for their bellboys?

Honestly, Blair couldn't stop looking back at the things with some kind of curious disgust. They had these giant ears and huge noses and what were they wearing? Knapsacks? At least the Waldorf mansion had housekeepers paid enough to be able to afford their own clothing. Dorota was nice, actually. Not a midget. Normal-sized ears. Laid out her clothes and everything. And did something weird with cleaners that had her room smelling like vanilla rather than Lysol - what was not to love?

So, another country. Scotland, to be precise. Land of constitutional monarchy, St. Andrew's cross, and Irvine Welsh. Another boarding school. This place was no Constance Billard, that was for sure. At least it was all that closer to her father's chateau in France, him and his boyfriend Giles. She had to wonder how Ping and Pong were doing. She hadn't seen him in so long.

The school, though, that's where it had gotten interesting. Magic? A certain Eleanor Waldorf had not been happy to hear about this little number, taking off for a new boarding school. Prestigious, still, and something to help boost that interview to get into Yale, she was sure.



1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Okay, not exactly the first question she expected on... a school application. She'd neatly scrawled out Blair Cornelia Waldorf at the top and let her eyes traipse down to that. Cheese? What the hell kind of school asked about cheese choice? Blair glanced over her shoulder for a moment, noise crinkled in question to the room surrounding her. "Right." And, of course, jumped as the Dictaquill sprang into action.

This place really was magic, wasn't it?

"Camembert?" she said experimentally, as the quill skated across the paper, writing out her words. God, that was handy - saved her from hand cramps and was definitely easy on the French manicure. "If you're a cheese person anyway. Serena says that a slice of that stuff with a glass of milk is a step closer to heaven. But she's also crazy. So, you know."


2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"Oh, God, both of them," she declared at once, frowning down at her paper and trying not to pay attention to the fact that this was definitely a little more Facebook survey than important school application. "When I was a kid, I always though if I heard 'I Love You' one more time, I was going to gag someone. And Carrottop is... pretty self-explanatory."

After a moment's consideration, she tapped a finger to her chin, eyebrow cocked. "Throw in what's-her-face too. The one who wanted to perfect Judaeism? Anne Coulter. They can all go to the stake and see if anybody cares."


3. What time is it where you are?

...Well, that one was easy. "Four thirty in the afternoon." At least that was what the Rolex said.


4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

If she was who come back from the what? And she was doing...? "I... seriously doubt the first thing on a zombies mind is who they're going to boink first," she remarked scathingly, tapping her fingers against the paper and studying the answer as the Dictaquill scrawled it out. "If the person coming back from the dead was Britney Spears? Well, maybe, and we'd have to deal with zombie babies running around and hanging off a zombie boy toy of the week while Zombie Spears gets a zombie Brazilian butt lift. But, otherwise?"


5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

She'd always wanted to bartend. Ever since her and Serena had seen Coyote Ugly anyway. And they'd fawned over Tyra Banks and how fantastic she'd looked in her whole ten minutes in the movie, and made plans to work at a bar and become their very own singer-songwriters. For about a week. Until, of course, they'd had an Angel marathon and lusted after vampires instead of bar wenches for a while.

"Maybe not tending the bar," she mused slowly, eyes glittering at the memory. "Maybe I'd be the one dancing on stage. At The Victrola." Er. "No, cross out that last part." Stupid Chuck, she wasn't stepping foot into that place again, she didn't care whatever rush she got. "Queen B's." Satisfaction!


B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Oh, look. Triangles involving gay men from European countries. Story of her freaking life.

Well, not hers specifically but definitely like somebody's she knew.

"Maybe Harry shouldn't go anywhere, and he should stay with the person he's with already and not go running off to some fancy French love nest and adopt Cambodian twins and live happily ever after while his ex goes crazy and starts dating some fat old guy that nobody likes," she vented in one long breath, watching the Dictaquill skate across the page to try to catch up with her words as she brushed a lock of hair out of her face.

Er.

"God, I don't know. Harry's a big boy, I'm sure. He can figure out what boys he's going to take away to his harem on his own."


C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Because... you don't own a paper shredder?" she commented lightly, shrugging her shoulders. "Because somebody's sneaking papers onto your desk when you're not looking?" She rolled her eyes. "Because your name is Nate Archibald and you're at the bottom of our class because you never finish anything homework-related." ...Obviously.


D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

What? Okay, not useless. "Um. Blair Waldorf," she said evenly, in a matter of factual voice. If that wasn't enough, "Top of my class at one of the most prestigious schools in the United States. President of practically every club in the damn place. Head of the popularity food chain and subject of most of everything Gossip Girl has to offer on her site." If you ignored all the 'S's that popped up on there and just stuck to the 'B's, anyway. "Believe me. The last thing I am? Is useless."


6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Oh, God, what. Bribes, always. If being a Waldorf wasn't enough to get you into anywhere, paying somebody off would be enough. "What are we looking for here, a donation?" she asked lightly, eying her Prada handbag and eying the paper. "A hundred, a thousand?" Ten thousand? Wasn't like she couldn't afford it. "Or, if you have any interest in hardly-used Louis Vuitton luggage?"



"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. BCW
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one mostsome? of them. BCW
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. More like satin culottes. I don't do granny panties, thanks! BCW
One day, marmaladeI will probably rule the world. BCW

Comments

[bantersucks.livejournal.com]

Jaime's first impulse upon reading the app was to walk the hell away. But curiosity beat out good sense when he read the Hufflepuff question. "Wait, if you're top of your class, head of the food chain, whatever - what are you doing here?"

It was a valid question. Tomo had been accepted, after all.

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

'Definitely gonna have to ask that,' Maia drawls, coming up behind him, gaze focusing on Blair--well, flickering to Mel and then back again. Hell, she'd been sent here on a mission and even she wasn't trying to rule the school.

'After all, you're only human. You're pretty much nothing here.'

[bantersucks.livejournal.com]

The only reason Jaime didn't jump ten feet in the air when she spoke up was because the scarab actually let him know she was coming.

So instead of jumping, Maia had to settle for a pained grimace that only Blair could see and a muttered, "Dammit."

Any chance of walking away was shot to hell now, though. Not if he wanted to minimize the damage. "Not what I meant, Maia," he said instead, without turning. Scarab was uneasy, but it wasn't flipping out yet.

((Heading out. If you two are on and I'm not back, feel free to have Maia and Blair have a bitchfest, Jaime probably won't cut in unless it goes beyond words.))

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

(Noted!)

Maia smiles at Blair--an unpleasant, thin smile--and then replies to Jaime, eyes still on the girl. 'Pity. I thought we matched so well. Seriously, what the hell is some little princess like you gracing us with her presence? A princess with Daddy Issues, apparently,' she adds, looking at the application.

[queenbeewaldorf.livejournal.com]

Didn't she already meet this chick? Blair flashed that smile again, tilting her head a little. She could have sworn her name had been Mel. Oh well. "Back for seconds?" she asked lightly, and rolled her eyes before focusing in on Jaime. "Fresh start, I guess you could say. At a new school. Possibly a better one." Without Serena, perhaps.

At any rate, back to her own little princess. If princess' heads were there to be ripped off. "I'm sorry, daddy issues? Is this Dr. Phil, because I might have picked the wrong door!"

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

'You just met my double,' Maia replies lightly, stepping forwards and drawing her dark vibes around her like a protective screen. If Blair's going to be throwing stones, Maia wants to be able to deflect them. 'Trust me when I say I'm the other extreme.'

She circles the girl, a sneer on her lips the whole time. 'Don't tell me you've never heard of the Electra complex. It's always the way. A girl has daddy issues, a boy has mummy issues. Better to have no parents, really...but I can see how that trips up a few humans.'

[queenbeewaldorf.livejournal.com]

...Double? ...That chick had a twin?

What the fuck was going on anyway? Blair's eyes followed Mel, slowly, somewhere between amused and disgusted with this newfound situation. Because parent issues, oh yes, Blair had quite a few. Try growing up on Manhattan's upper east side with two parents who are never home and not growing up fucked up and most attached to your maid, of all the people in your house. And then your father takes off for France with his gay lover and, well, it's a whole thing.

"So far as my knowing goes, it takes one to know one," Blair commented in return, lightly, cocking an eyebrow right back at her as she circled, and lifted her chin defiantly. Blair fucking Waldorf. She wasn't going to let this bitch best her.

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

'Couldn't be me, I never had parents,' Maia says, stretching and doing her sexy-bad-ass-temptress-demon pose (which is the one where she leans against something looking bored and wanton). She's not wholly sure about the parent thing--all she remembers is a lot of light, then her memories of herself (in Hell) begin. Maia thus assumes she was human, went to Heaven, and Fell. In any case, she can't remember the parent issue.

'So I guess that school you went to before was really crap,' she snarks, idly curling a strand of hair around her finger. Heavily-kohled eyes latch onto Blair's. 'But it's no more than I expect from a pathetic little scrap like you.'

Maybe Maia's feeling sister-envy? No human is allowed to be mean to Mel, because it's a demon thing?

[bantersucks.livejournal.com]

Jaime picked up on the dark vibes almost immediately thanks to the literal chill that raced down his spine. Maia wasn't blasting them - yet. "Or somebody gave you the wrong idea about this place," he interrupted before Blair could retort. "What kind of school were you told this was, anyway?"

[queenbeewaldorf.livejournal.com]

Blair had just opened her mouth before... Who even was this guy? Anyway, he was talking, and she was trying to be a bitch and all those fun things and he was totally in the way. "A magic school? In a castle? What else would I think it was? A vocational one? I'm not all too into metal shop."

Grown-up time now. Blair's eyes needled back to Maia, eyebrow raised. "I'm sorry, no parents? Born in a petri dish? Or did Mommy just take off before you remember? Drugs, maybe? Sex? Oh, poor you and all your foster care goodness." With a roll of her eyes, Blair just leaned back a bit, eying Maia with a newfound vengeance.

Pathetic? Did she even know who she was talking to? "I'm sorry, and you are? I don't even know what the hell your name is, or do you just get off on insulting people?" Takes one to know one, B. "If it's just a chat you're looking for, there, doll," said, of course, as though a doll was about to be kicked in the face, "then I'm all ears."

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Maia puts her hands together, and then pulls them apart, black vines lit with embers reaching from palm to palm. She appears intent on them.

'I'm not human, doll. The name's Maia. Your friendly neighbourhood hell minx.' She looks up. 'Well done for pissing me off.'

And, hello? Blair trying to diss her? She's heard a lot worse, from all sides of the spectrum. Truth be told, once your job involves the killing and maiming of innocents on a regular basis, the ones who dare to talk back tend to be a little more fun.

The ropes turn into seven medium-sized scorpions, and they run down Maia's arms, legs, til they reach to the floor; then they rush towards Blair.

'Last time I used these, I put a guy in hospital,' Maia says sweetly, watching them click. 'Hope they've not lost their fire...'

[bantersucks.livejournal.com]

((Scorpion frying approved by Maia-mun.))

Jaime sighed at Blair's comment. Why did he even bother? But before he could even get a word in edgewise, Maia was already making with the scorpions. Dammit.

Okay, maybe he could actually be subtle about this or play it off as magic. He was wearing gloves already - it was cold outside - and let the armor form over his hand while it was jammed in his coat pocket, mostly hidden by his sleeve. As the scorpions skittered towards Blair, he shot out a hand and fired a burst of electrical energy at them, just enough to fry them before they could reach the girl. He quickly jammed his hand back into his pocket, letting the armor disappear and the glove reappear as he glared at Maia. "Yeah. Real mature. You done yet?"

[queenbeewaldorf.livejournal.com]

Blair had seen a lot in her life. She lived in New York, after all. You couldn't look at the news out of the corner of your eye without hearing of nine different murders and rapes and seeing homeless people strewn all over the street. Not to mention she'd watched one or two Quentin Tarantino movies, drunk. She knew some pretty weird stuff, right? But nothing was really enough to prepare her for... well, that.

"Holy sh--" Blair automatically blurted, eyes widening at the sight as she scrambled to pick up her feet from the floor and... zap. That was... weird. There weren't really any other words for that, really. She'd kind of temporarily lost a lot of zip to her comments, just staring faintly at the scorpion on the ground. Um. Was she on some kind of weirdo drug that somebody slipped into her drink when she wasn't looking.

"Mind telling me what the hell that was?" she demanded, eyes flaring to Maia with a split second of disbelief. But not fear, quite yet. Took a lot to really freak Blair out, these days. "Maia?" Mel's evil fucking twin?

Vote: Squib

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Maia just gives Jaime a disparaging look, like, bugger off and go do the same to your little angelic girlfriend if she'll let you get past a kiss on the cheek. She smiles acidly at Blair.

'No, doll, I don't think I do. Since you asked so nicely.'

And this is her big part! Centre stage, all eyes on her, spotlight, microphone, and...

'Demon. It's not hard to figure out. Demonic energy to earthly material.' Maia grins again, wolflike. 'You pissed me off, remember? You won't be doing that again, will you, babe? No, of course you won't, unless you want a cobra in your bed.' She doesn't need to know about the no-kill rule. 'You'll be safer hanging with Mel. She's the sanctimonious one. Opposites, see? Now--don't try to outbitch me again.'

She blows a kiss, and disappears on the spot.

[bantersucks.livejournal.com]

Leaving Jaime stuck there with Blair. Of course. He turned back to the applicant, who still seemed a bit dazed (and fortunately seemed to be focused on the scorpions). "You okay?"

Hey. Bitchy applicant or not, he had to check.

[queenbeewaldorf.livejournal.com]

Blair blinked. And... blinked.

She... disappeared. ...What the fuck?

Eyes slowly turning towards Jaime, with some kind of impending doom gloss of dark glazing over her eyes, brows slanting downward. Was she okay? "A demon woman. Literally. Sends scorpions of smoke and evil and other bad things hurtling at me, and you ask if I'm okay? What would even make you ask that?!"

[bantersucks.livejournal.com]

Again: why did he even bother?

Geez, she hadn't even noticed that he'd stopped them from even getting near her. Jaime bit back a retort, reminding himself that not noticing was a good thing. "'Cause she's not the worst of the crazy," he said noncommittally, unfazed by the glare of doom. "And if you can't handle that, you're not gonna last ten minutes here."

[queenbeewaldorf.livejournal.com]

Another long pause, in which Blair fixed Jaime with a dead pan expression that probably inserted nine different facts suggesting he was mentally retarded. "Not the worst of it?" she replied in a scathing sort of voice. "It gets crazier than smoke scorpions that jump out of people's hands?"

[bantersucks.livejournal.com]

Jaime was trying not to smirk. Really. He was. Honest. Trying, anyway.

And failing, of course. "Yeah," he replied. Like me. "You have no idea. Which kinda answers my first question." It was pretty clear somebody had neglected to tell Blair about the crazy. "Maia's special, but that? Was her standard greeting."

He almost felt sorry for her. Well, almost.