Anger Management (Closed RP)
Aug. 30th, 2007 03:20 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
It had been a bad week. That was a pretty good way to put it. What made it all ten times worse, though, was that I'd been denied my usual ways of coping. I couldn't leave, couldn't ignore everyone and bang around in my kitchen, I couldn't even go on runs for fear of leaving the camp and the demon coming after Peter while I was gone. I was frustrated - by way more than just the demon - and I had energy to burn like you would not believe.
Oh, yeah. And I was pissed. But even I wasn't stupid enough to try to take down a demon. Which left me with way too much aggression and nowhere to put it. Peter needed me, so I shoved everything I was feeling deep down until, eventually, it had to explode. Peter had gone out earlier that day, Claude trailing (invisibly and unknown to Peter) behind him. Excellent.
I left a note saying I'd gone for a walk. Then, grabbing my splat gun and a bag containing several amulets and the machete I'd gotten from Dean, I headed out the door. What? It was a run. Recovering stolen merchandise. I'd even planned for it. Had steps and everything.
Arriving at my destination, I kicked open the door, my eyes scanning the room. Step one - check.
Sylar was sitting in a chair, headphones in, unaware. Two steps from the door, my fist connected with his jaw. Step two - check.
See? Going great.
Grinning ferociously, I aimed my splat gun at his head. "Hey, fuckface. You have something I need back."
Oh, this was going to work out swell.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-31 12:19 pm (UTC)"Yeah? You wanna know what my father said to me around the times he was trying to kill himself? Absolutely nothing. He holed himself up in his office and didn't make the effort to get out and get close to anyone," Peter scowled, turning his head slightly so that he could look at Rachel. Guilt immediately set in about what he was doing, about the state he'd be leaving her in. No matter what she said or denied, Peter believed she'd gone to Sylar on a suicide mission because of him.
His grip tightened around the doorknob, wanting to turn it and just get out of here. "I cut myself out of the family just because I never listened to my father, because he tried to show me that I loved people too much. You can't let what your father told you rule your life, Rachel. You have to be stronger than that, and you have to realize that what he told you was a pile of shit." That was a bit harsher than intended, but Peter couldn't hold back on his words, not right now.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-31 12:28 pm (UTC)I had never said those words out loud. I'd thought them plenty of times, but never given them voice. The second I did, though, a wave of grief and guilt washed over me and I bowed my head. "He died to save my life. So don't talk about him. You didn't know him." Neither had I.
"If you want to leave, then do it." My tone turned harsh, remote. Dad had been right. If Peter walked out that door, he had been right. "But don't think you're saving me or protecting me or any of that martyr shit I know you believe. You walk out that door, Peter, and I'm going to hurt worse than anything that might happen if you stay. Because, no matter what you think, I do love you. And I am trying. And I...I don't know what else to do." Taking a breath, I didn't raise my eyes. If he left, I didn't want to watch. "But if you want to leave, then go. Because I sure as hell don't want you here out of guilt or some sense of responsibility. I want you to want me like I do you."
And I thought I'd officially used up my quota of 'emotional vulnerability' for the month. Exhausted, I kept my head lowered, staring at the floor and blinking back tears.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-31 12:41 pm (UTC)Guilt, protecting Rachel; those played a part in what Peter was trying to do. But they weren't the main focus right now.
"Rachel, I'm an empath. You know what that means. I thrive off human connection," Peter forced the words out, turning to face Rachel and lean against the door. If he was going to say this and be honest, he wasn't going to hide and not look at her while doing it. "You say that I give you what you need, that I make you... you. And that's good, it really is. I'm glad I can do that for you, because it makes both of us happy." He hesitated slightly. "But I don't know if you can give me what I need. I need connection, Rachel. I need love that doesn't show itself by running off in suicide missions. I need access to emotions and a willingness to give back."
It was harsh, but it was the truth. "I think the world of you, I really do. But I don't know if I can stay sane around someone that is afraid of one thing I need," he finished, voice hollow. This would be so much easier if Rachel would get angry and kick him out.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-31 12:49 pm (UTC)"I'm sorry." My voice was so dead. How could my voice be so dead when I was screaming inside?
Without another word, I lay down, my back to him, staring off sightlessly into the darkness of the room. I was crying - I knew I was from the wetness on my cheeks - but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything but this empty hollow, this sense of utter failure.
I had been as open with Peter as I had ever been in my life. And it still wasn't enough. Who I was wasn't enough. Would never be enough.
So I was alone. Again.
Like it was supposed to be. Okay, Dad, I get it. I was too messed up for someone to love me, too lacking for someone to want to be with me. I wasn't worth a fight. And I'd been stupid to think for even a second that I would be.
Lost in my own thoughts, I wouldn't hear Peter leave. It was better that way.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-31 01:22 pm (UTC)Slowly making his way over to the bed, Peter sat on the edge of it. This was really stupid. Rachel was in bad shape - she'd heal, though, no doubt about that. But he just couldn't stay here right now. Maybe he'd come back in a few days, a week, he didn't know. But he just needed some time off.
"I know you're thinking that who you are isn't enough," he commented quietly - not using telepathy, just knowledge of Rachel. "You're wrong, though. I wish I was enough for you. I wish I could help you learn to embrace emotions and loving people." But he didn't know if she even wanted to do that. Or, if she did, if she'd succeed. "I wish I hadn't taken the easy way out and done that deal. I wish I was as strong as you, to bear the weight of that. ...There's a lot of things I wish," he shrugged, feeling useless. Peter brushed the tears from Rachel's face with his thumb, leaning down to press a light kiss on her forehead. "I'll come back, don't doubt that. I think I just need to learn to be as strong as you, first."
Without giving it a second thought, Peter was off the bed and out the door, closing it quietly behind him.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-31 01:27 pm (UTC)She didn't need anyone.
She was alone.
Better this way.