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Grant,

Come get her. I could use the company. We're going stir-crazy in here.

Malcolm

attached is a sketch map of El Mundo del Sombrero

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Malcolm,

If you're ~~crazy~~ going crazy, then it should be a relief to get out for a walk and bring her to me, wouldn't it?

Grant

From:

Grant,

Spoken like somebody who's missed the latest round of Hogwarts-style mass hysteria. However, since my tentmate is allergic to cats, I will brave the house-elves with cattle prods. If we're not there in 20 minutes, have Ellie call out the Marines again, please?

Malcolm

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Fifteen minutes later, only slightly singed, Ian knocked at the door to Grant's quarters. In his hands was a very squirmy kitten who was excited to be smelling familiar smells at last. Behind him, he could hear Billy's footsteps, and wondered why he was hanging back.

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His official reason? Cat.

His unofficial reason was a sinking feeling that even a simple errand like dropping off a cat was probably going to end very, very badly. Shotgun (cattle prod?) weddings generally weren't good news.

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Laura and Galahad answered the door, and the treecat bleeked a greeting to Dog.

"Dr. Malcolm, good to see you again...Billy? Hi! Wasn't expecting to see you, but Alan'll be thrilled. C'mon in, guys."

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Grant took the kitten from Malcolm, and gave her a scratch on the head before setting her down on the floor. She bumped up against his legs, demanding more attention.

He looked up sharply when he heard Laura mention Billy, and sure enough, his former student was standing in the hallway. "What are you doing out there?" he asked. Wait, that wasn't quite the right question. "What are you doing here?" he clarified.

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"Good to see you too, Doctor! Oh, no, no, don't thank me, it was my pleasure to babysit your cat!" Ian grinned. "Hello, Laura, it's nice to see you again too."

He turned back to Grant. "Have you met the new Mrs. Malcolm?"

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"I'm going to kill you," Billy muttered at Ian as he slunk into the room.

Well, now that that was out of the way, there was only one thing left to do: deny the whole mess.

"I am not the new Mrs. Malcolm," he said, glaring at Ian. "The Hat's gone insane and married people off. There's a whole village of very confused people out on the lawn, if you didn't notice."

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"So that's what that's all about!" Laura exclaimed. "Who else got hit, d'you know?"

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It was a good thing that somebody was able to keep the conversation going, because Grant certainly wasn't. He was too busy turning a funny shade of purple to be much use.

"You did what? To him?" he asked Billy, completely ignoring Ian. He stared with his mouth open, while the idea that the whole thing wasn't completely voluntary trickled into his brain. "Can you get this fixed? Can you get him fixed? Christ, Billy, you don't even know where he's been."

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Malcolm snorted. "Well, he knows the last place I've been, that's for sure. After all, he was there."

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There was never a convenient hole around when you needed one. Not that he wasn't trying to find one.

Billy's face had turned bright red, but he stared at the floor, determined not to say anything. Instead, he was mentally revising the way he was going to kill Ian. Instead of waiting until the mathematician was asleep, he was going to lunge for the throat as soon as they were out the door. Maybe sooner. His eyes fell on the content of an open box and he started to poke through that, hoping that somebody else would fill the silence.

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Laura pulled her jaw up off the floor. As eager for a change of subject as Billy, she crossed to the table and peered into the box.

"What'cha got there?" she asked, voice a little higher than usual, and cleared her throat.

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Grant pointed at Billy. "You're next," he said.

With that, he grabbed Ian by the arm and dragged the taller man into the other half of the living space.

"What were you THINKING?" Grant yelled after the door was closed. "Were you even thinking?"

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Ian smiled smugly and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Which time? At the shotgun wedding - well, cattle prod wedding, really - or the one-night stand?"

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Billy had found a stack of photos in the box and had been looking through them in an attempt to ignore the conversation that could clearly be heard through the door. The first photo was a group shot of about 20 people, all kneeling around an almost-complete skeleton in the ground. He and Alan were on the left of the bottom row. Grant's arm had been thrown around his shoulders. Billy remembered that the picture had been taken with his camera. Looking through a few more photos, he remembered having shot most of the roll.

Laura came up next to him, and asked him a question. Startled, he dropped the pictures back into the box. "Nothing," he said, not really sure if that was a proper response to whatever she'd asked him. He folded one of the cardboard flaps over the box, trying to close it up.

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She reached around the flap and pulled out the group photo. "Alan showed me this while we were packing. This was only about a month or so before Isla Sorna, right?"

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Meanwhile, the pot was very busy calling the kettle black. "Why on earth would you talk him into a one-night stand? Have you no decency? He's still a kid!"

Grant didn't want to think it was jealousy making him so angry, but even after warning Ian off of his other partners, he never thought he'd have to do the same for his old student.

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Ian's grin turned sour, and he ticked points off on his fingers.

"One. It was his idea; he'd just had a close encounter with a fake pterodactyl, and he wanted to be with someone who understood about dinosaurs. Two. He's nearly thirty, has a doctorate and holds a respectable job with considerable responsibility out in the world; at what point does he stop being, as you put it, 'just a kid'? And three. You do not want to make age differences an issue in this discussion." He waved a hand at the door, where Laura's voice could be heard in a murmur.

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"Yeah." It came out kind of squeaky. Billy cleared his throat and tried again. "Yeah. We got lucky. It looked like we'd be spending the whole summer cataloging bone fragments." He waved his hand. "The rest of these are really boring. Really."

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She smiled wryly. "I was a ghost trapped between dimensions for 17 years. After that not many things in this life bore me all that much. But, if you say I really had to be there..." She closed the second flap over the top of the carton.

"How long have you guys been...that is, since the Hat..." she waved a hand, willing him to catch her drift without her spelling it out.

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Grant's anger had faded a bit. It had been easier to blame Ian for the whole thing.

"Fine, but look. He's young. He hasn't made the same mistakes the rest of us have. Don't go helping him make them."

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Ian held up a hand. "We were very clear on the terms. One night only, no strings attached, no hard feelings after. Besides, the magic brownies had turned him into a woman temporarily, and without that gender change I'm not sure it's a leap I'm prepared to make. For Billy or anyone." He pulled a face. "Unfortunately, that damn Hat has other ideas."

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"So how was that 'dead' thing working out?" was probably not the best way to start a conversation, so Billy went with Laura's flow. "About two weeks," he said. "The Hat's got this whole shanty town outside. There are groups of tents placed around hot tubs, and some kind of rec center in the middle." He didn't want to talk about the Tunnel of Love.

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"Let me guess. The Hat used its own, ahhh, judgment, as to who got paired off together? Without consulting anybody? 'Cause, you know, why would it do a thing like that?"

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"Magic brownies." Grant rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Does anything here ever happen that doesn't begin or end with magical food?" He re-settled his hat on his head. "Did you at least ask him his thoughts on scented candles?"

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"Well, there's the wacky mass marriages, which began with a deranged magic Hat, and will probably end in bloodshed and tears before it's all over," Ian noted.

"I did, actually. He had none. The mystery remains a mystery, I'm afraid."

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Bloodshed and tears. Ian had to be psychic. At least, he was reading Billy's mind. "Does the Hat even have judgment, or did it pull names out of a, well, hat? I don't see any kind of pattern." He couldn't think of a single person who was happy with the arrangement. "So did you guys know about this, or was it chance that you took off before the mass wedding?"

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"Just chance," she said cheerfully. "Alan brought up the idea the day those magic brownies went around...the day we had that DADA class. He said he wanted to close up his house and bring some stuff here." She waved a hand at the boxes.

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Still slightly disappointed that the whole mess was not, in fact, Ian's fault, Grant opened the door. "Out," he said, trying not to trip over his own boxes.

"Anything else I should know about?" he asked. It wasn't directed at anyone in particular.

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"Except that he's allergic to cats and he's adopting the iguana, I can't think of a thing." He grinned at Billy. "How about you?"

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"Oh yeah, I'm taking the iguana," Billy said. It was code for, "I'm going to murder you in the tent."

It was time for somebody else to get a turn in the game of Hot Potato of Shame, and he had a target in mind. "So, Laura, did you ever tell Alan about what happened with you and the Boggart?" he asked innocently. "I can't imagine having to face the things you went through with that man alone."

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"Oh, yes," Laura said sweetly. "Alan and I had talked about BOB quite a lot by the time the boggart got to me. Not very fun conversations, but well, full disclosure's important, right?"

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Laura's comment about full disclosure stung a little bit, but there was ice in Grant's voice when he spoke to Billy.

"You're going to leave now," he said. Almost as an afterthought, he turned to Ian. "Thank you for the cat."

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Ian pulled his jaw up off the floor with difficulty. "Uhm. Sure. No problem. Anytime."

Then, to Billy, "Wow. You made me look good. Do you have any idea how tough that is? I may have to keep you around!"

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Ian's comment was completely ignored. Billy had locked eyes with Grant, and he was standing his ground. "So while she's been telling you her sob story, how much disclosure did you give her, huh? I'm tired of being your dirty little secret. It doesn't matter if people know here."

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"I'm fairly sure he's told me everything important," Laura volunteered to no one in particular.

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For a long second, he just stood still. Then Grant pressed his lips together and readjusted his hat again. "Would you like to add anything else, or are you done now?" he asked Billy. It almost sounded as if they were talking about something boring, like the weather. Only his face gave him away. It was completely set in stone.

From:

chance-silvey.livejournal.com

Dr. Grant,

As a matter of fact, I might, so the offer's much appreciated. Especially if you've got anything on the following:

- Pliosauroidea during the Middle Jurassic period (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liopleurodon)

- the 'Mammal Equation'

- Pastries of the ancient Greek city-states ... yeah, I know it's a long shot

- This one's an even longer shot, but anything on folk ballads about the Big Rock Candy Mountain.

Best,
Chance Silvey

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