[identity profile] invisibleclaude.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] hh_mirror
((Done with permission from Peter- and Noah-muns. Claude is taken from after the end of the first chapter of Heroes (ie first season) and will have spoilers for that.))

The Sorting Room appeared to be empty. For a few long moments the application and the quill poised, waiting, seemingly for no one. Then, with a flicker, a man appeared in the center of the room, eyes warily searching the corners before he approached the table.

He was, in a word, scruffy. Worn clothes, shaggy beard and hair, the all over hunched look of someone who didn't sleep in a clean bed every night. Homeless, one might even say. A bum.

Pulling a soft pretzel out of his pocket, he began to absently munch on it while he looked around. "What kind of place is this?" His North London accent was thick and his eyebrow twitched up in an expression that might have been amusement. Or could have just as easily been disgust. It was hard to tell.



1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Now that question was out of the ordinary. Pausing, looking around one last time, Claude shrugged and slid into the seat, popping the last of the pretzel into his mouth and brushing off his hands.

"Right, okay, cheese." The quill helpfully jotted down his words and Claude let out a snort. "Nice trick." But he looked around again, nervous, before hunching over the application, almost as if to present a smaller target. "Um, well, can't say that I'm much of a connoisseur. Good basket of chips and a beer's all I usually need, you know? Nice steak, whatever I can nick. But if I had to choose, I guess I'd say cheddar of some kind. Versatile, yeah? Lots of things you can do with it. Tastes good on sandwiches."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

For a moment, Claude remained absolutely still. Then his teeth bared slightly and his eyes tracked the quill, waiting on the parchment. The Company had some odd tricks in its sleeve, but this was weird and random, even for them. He hadn't been followed. He was sure of it. And, so far as he knew, the Company didn't have a presence here. Still, that question made something in him freeze up and it was, with effort, that he relaxed enough to grit out, "Neither. Why bother? Done nothing to me, have they? Live and let live's my motto. Don't make waves. They go about their business and I can keep to mine."

3. What time is it where you are?

"'Bout quarter past three." A faint smile crossed his face as he checked a shiny new Rolax on his wrist. "Unless that fat guy sweating in his suit at the airport didn't kept his watch wound."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"Please." Claude snorted loudly and leaned back in his chair, balancing it on two legs and resting his feet on the desk. Still cautious, gaze still jumping around the room, he nonetheless was amused by the question. "Think I'm going to waste time on harassment? Let me tell you something, friend. People suck. Every last bleeding one of them. Girl, bloke, something in between - they're all going to hold you back, keep you on a leash, and then shove you ass over kettle when they get the chance. Better to go it alone. At least then you're not going to wind up bleeding, with your ass in a sling because you trusted someone you shouldn't. Harassment is more trouble than it's worth."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

Rolling his eyes, Claude glared down at the parchment. Who the hell had come up with these questions? Some simpering little poodle with a stick of crazy up its ass, probably. Finally huffing out a sigh, Claude answered, "The Coach and Horses." And anyone who didn't get that reference was an idiot.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"Oh, for the love of the mother and her crown!" Standing up in violent temper, Claude scowed down at the paper. "People. People. All you go on about, isn't it? Well, let me tell you - there's no mythology in the world that can erase the simple truth that everyone is just out for themselves. In the end, you're going to get screwed and screwed royal. Got thin soup and that's your supper, nothing you can do. So what does it matter who this Harry ends up with? He's going to get strung on a leash and patted on the head and held down no matter what, and that's the truth. Only way to be free is to get rid of all the people what are clogging up your life. Bah." Collapsing back down into the chair, disgusted, Claude waved his hand. "Better if Harry just disappeared. That's your answer."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Never said I was smart, friend." Claude had found an apple somewhere in his coat and was now chewing away. "And I don't give a flying pig about your papers. Burn 'em, fill 'em out, throw 'em away. Makes me no mind."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Studying the question for a long moment, a variety of half-hidden emotions crossed Claude's eyes. But, in the end, he just shrugged. "I am. I'm no one. I'm Claude Rains. Just ignore me and I'll fade away."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Oh, bloody freaking hell. Digging in his pockets with a scowl, Claude slammed down a wad of cash, a few watches, some wallets, another pretzel, half a dozen ink pens, a scarf, and some bird seed in a plastic baggy. "There. Take what you want. But don't bother me with complaining about them; I have what I have and no more."

Thus stated, he sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, waiting for judgment.

Date: 2007-08-15 07:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] totallyluminous.livejournal.com
'I can do that too,' says the girl in a rather small, quiet voice. 'And I don't fade away.'

Her arms become uncrossed as she looks at him again rather hard. She doesn't want to judge, because she's become aware that's her most sanctimonious trait and Mel wants to, you know. Be liked.

'Not everyone's out for themselves,' she says eventually, because the angel in her won't let that rest just yet. 'I don't think...'

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Vote: Slytherin

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Date: 2007-08-15 07:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] likeabadpenny.livejournal.com
It had come as a surprise when Peter sat down to draw a few days ago, and had ended up drawing Claude in the Sorting Room. Of all the people he'd expected to see, Claude was the least likely, considering that this was a place full of people and Claude tended to stay away from that.

So, yes, Peter had been walking up from the tent village to lurk in the Sorting Room at random hours, wanting to catch Claude when he finally arrived. The drawing hadn't specified a time or date; for all he knew, the guy might be showing up next year.

He'd just arrived as soon as Claude did, in a rather amusing coincidence of time - Peter had spent the whole application lurking at the back of the room, unseen. And though he was glad to see Claude, to know that he was still alive, his happiness was a short-term thing.

Features darkening in anger, Peter wasn't going to give Claude a chance to avoid this. So he quickly stormed over, scowling heavily, and threw a solid punch at Claude's jaw. Served him right.

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Vote: Gryffindor

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Date: 2007-08-15 01:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] canes-can-kill.livejournal.com
Ah, a man after his own heart.

"Have you ever considered writing a book on human relations?" House piped up sarcastically, taking a lollipop out of mouth just long enough to talk. Critically, he eyed Claude, mentally ticking through a list of diseases easily picked up by living on the streets, and what possible symptoms he might have based on appearance.

Pity. He looked obscenely healthy for a bum. "You'd have a lot of free time to write it, too," House gestured at Claude with his lollipop, "Your general twitching when you first arrived indicates that you're on the run from something, which is boring because I'd bet you $100 they're not here. Either that, or you've got some sort of motor neuron disease causing muscular twitches, and that would be interesting."

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Vote: Ravenclaw

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Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

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Date: 2007-08-15 06:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mmm-brainz.livejournal.com
"Actually, yes, the watch is wound correctly," Sylar randomly offered, in a kind of voice that clearly was not approving of Claude's sense of fashion. Layers of... moldy hobo clothes. He didn't want to think of what kind of anything this guy had been rolling around in. At least it couldn't have been as bad as those sewers, but, God. "Surprising," he added, lightly, raising both eyebrows at the other man. "Most people don't."

And then a moment's pause, before he hit the point he was obviously looking for in this conversation. "Invisibility." He tilted his head, curiously. "Interesting, I'd like to see how that one works."

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Date: 2007-08-15 06:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dungbombsrule.livejournal.com
"Oh, nice." Ron blanched at Claude's answer for 5B. Sometimes his travels were a blessing, other times they were a curse. For instance, before he would just assume that this guy was just talking about Harry being a dog or something. Now, Ron had the thought of his childhood best friend being his brothers' gimp. Not a thing a bloke wanted to wake up to.

"Thanks for that, pal. The world's the top, we're the bottoms, and only isolation is the safety word. Probably could have accomplished the same spin with, I dunno, a sports metaphor, but no. You had to freak us all out." Ron shook his head, slightly exasperated, but otherwise alright. One thing was for sure, he was back in Hogwarts

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Gryffindor

From: [identity profile] dungbombsrule.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-08-19 03:38 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2007-08-15 07:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ninth-doctor.livejournal.com
It was mostly the yelling that had attracted the Doctor (not in that great a mood himself) to this application. Because, well, there weren't a lot of people on Earth or in the entire universe that had a voice so strikingly similar to his own.

And, well, certainly even less people that looked strikingly similar to him, too. "That's a nice surprise," he muttered to himself.

"Think you serve as a good reminder why I never really considered facial hair." But this guy sounded like him on a bad day, hating on people/species just because he could. "You protect you an' yours. Commendable, but c'mon. Claude Rains?" Insert eyebrow raise here. "Either your parents must've been real movie buffs, or that's a creative little way of sayin' John Smith." Okay, well, that was mostly his go-to name. "Or John Doe. It's always Johns, for some reason. Anyway--don't exist, do you?"

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Vote: Slytherin

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Date: 2007-08-15 07:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grandmasteryoda.livejournal.com
"So go far away from people, live apart from everyone, suggest you?" Yoda shook his head, bat-like ears bobbing. "Tried it, I have. Boring, it is. A little crazy you start to go."

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Date: 2007-08-15 11:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] familyman-hrg.livejournal.com
...right. No question of mistaken identity (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1321914.html?thread=67185594#t67185594) here.

Might as well get it over with. "Claude."

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Date: 2007-08-16 03:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nobutyeah.livejournal.com
'Nah, right, it's not good if you do that, yeah, disappearing, because then the police get told you're like a missing person or something and it is comPLETEly retarded, like, because once I shared a bottle of Aftershock with Adam and Gary down by the canal, yeah, and I got dead pissed and sort of rolled into the water and floated for like two days covered in my own vomit because I was that dead drunk and Shareen had called the police but they didn't come and anyway it's better to be visible except when you're nicking stuff from the Offy.'

Date: 2007-08-16 03:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com
Dawn looked over the application and rolled her eyes. "Ooh, a snarky misanthrope," she said. "That's so new and different for this place!" She thought a moment. "Yet somehow, they all manage to get laid. Hm." Judging by Claude's personal hygiene--or the lack thereof, considering the odor wafting off of him--that wouldn't be an issue for him, though. She decided against making that observation out loud, instead opting for, "So, Mr. Rains, what do you hope to get out of your education here at Hogwarts?"

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From: [identity profile] keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-08-16 04:18 pm (UTC) - Expand

Vote: Bitchiwitch

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Date: 2007-08-16 06:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gutentaghopclop.livejournal.com
*prances into room singing "Guten Tag Hop-clop" with pigeons on his shoulders, comes to an abrupt stop in front of Claude*

Hallo! I am Franz Liebkind, und zese are my friends Vinston und Greta! *indicates birds* You like to sing und dance, Herr Cloud Rains?

((This ought to be fun.))

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Date: 2007-08-16 07:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] peachykeendeath.livejournal.com
Death enters, her bearing and attitude the polar opposite of Claude's. As always, she acts like she likes everybody--which, in fact, she does.

"Hiya!" she says. "How're you doing, Claude?"

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Date: 2007-08-16 11:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] charlesofdensen.livejournal.com
"No one is completely useless, Mr. Raines. If that's actually your name. You certainly don't look like a Claude Raines to me."

Date: 2007-08-17 03:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] carri3-whit3.livejournal.com
"Sometimes people won't let you go 'bout your business an' stick to theirs," Carrie pointed out, eyes down.

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Date: 2007-08-18 07:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] johnryder.livejournal.com
Ooo, this guy was a cranky one. "And what if what you do becomes someone else's business?" he asked, laughing quietly. "Would you live and let live if you found out you were being hunted?" Nobody he'd ever met had retained that attitude--either they folded up and died, or wound up completely homicidal. This guy was so bitter that he'd be interesting either way.

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Date: 2007-08-18 07:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com
The Hat was awestruck.

"I haven't met such a total hobo since Dr. Hobo himself applied here. Gosh, you must have a lot of threesomes!"

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Sparklypoo!

Date: 2007-08-18 08:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com
Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome ... to Sparklypoo!

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