Dr. Killjoy, The Suffering

[doctorkilljoy.livejournal.com]

There's an ancient, 16mm projector sitting on the stool. It wasn't there two seconds ago, and there doesn't seem to anyone around who could have placed it there. After a few more seconds of silence, it begins to click, winding up to speed. A beam of light is projected from the lens; it displays the image of a stereotypical surgeon from the 1920's without the aid of any visible screen.

He "hrm"s to himself, a hand speculatively on his chin, as he surveys his surroundings. "Well, this is most unusual," he says at last. "Ah, well! I could use the change of scenery. Now, what have we here?"

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Killjoy is obviously one to talk with hands. He answers, making grandiose gestures better fitting the spotlights on Broadway. "Ah, cheese! Delightful stuff. It's been ages since I last partook of its fine taste, but as I recall, I was particularly fond of a good aged Camembert over a fresh baguette. A real delicacy, it was! Terribly difficult to acquire when one lives on an island surrounded by such treacherous rocks. Even just getting my necessary equipment and patients was a trial. Carnate is seldom cooperative."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Kill? Why should I kill either of them? The poor souls are obviously in great need of my skills. If someone would only bring them to me, I am quite certain I could cure them of their respective mental maladies. The lobotomy may be frowned upon in this day and age, but I maintain that it is still the most direct method to ideal behavioral changes."

3. What time is it where you are?
He removes a rubber glove to fish around in the pocket of his suit. At last, he pulls his pocket watch free and studies it intently. "Hrm, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm not sure. It seems I haven't wound my watch since 1928. You have my most humble apologies."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
The doctor taps his chin in speculation. "Order of the Phoenix, is it? Can't say I've heard of them. If it is a branch of the Free Masons, I can't say I'll have much to do with them! I was a Free Mason once, but no longer will I be held back by their primitive ideals! I...am a revolutionary! Oh, but to answer the question, sexual behavior is for the less intellectually inclined. I like to think myself above such palfrey considerations."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"A question, if you please. How does one go about tending a bar in the dark? It seems to me, even if I were inclined to drink the less than savory fare presented in such establishments, some light would be required. Ah, but as I prefer such things as cognac and brandy, it is rather a moot point."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
"Hm, personal feelings on the subject aside? The story of Achilles and Patroclus, as told by Homer, springs to mind. Though there would be no marriage, of course, the elder sibling would be well within his rights to take young Harry as a lover. Sadly, I do not know which sibling is the elder, and so cannot be more specific."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Killjoy scoffs and shakes his head sadly. "Ah, paperwork. The bane of progress. Even in my transcended state, still it plagues me. Reports of my progress, applications to go through, complaints from my more lively patients who feel they are being treated poorly...it just never ceases. Though I understand the need for such records to be kept, it does quite get in the way of my genius. I could cure so many more of them were it not for this blasted paperwork! I'm sorry; what was the question again? Ah, yes! It is consistently there because those foolish bureaucrats demand that it is so. And sadly, we great minds are merely...slaves to the machine, if you will."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
"Useless? Of course, I'm not useless! I have cured hundreds of people from the mind's insanity, though admittedly, the body sometimes cannot stand the treatment. A pity, that."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
"I'm afraid I have little of monetary value to offer besides an endless supply of projectors. They are vintage, by now, and probably worth quite a bit. To the appropriate collector, at least."


"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Dr. Q. L. Killjoy
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Dr. Q. L. Killjoy
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Dr. Q. L. Killjoy
One day, marmalade will rule the world. Dr. Q. L. Killjoy"

"Er, wait. Marmalade?"