Application for Damien Thorn

[damien-thorn.livejournal.com]

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
The cheddar from Thorn Industries, of course! We use only the best soy in our food products.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I wouldn't kill anyone. However, it would be a terrible misfortune if my dog was to get loose in the vicinity of either of them. I believe he would go after Carrottop first.

3. What time is it where you are?
6:24, if you must know. I do not care for people who have to rely on others to know what is going on around them.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Harassment is so...crass. I prefer to think of it as enjoying darker forms of human desires. n Pleasure and pain are truly one in sex. Why would I deny this exquisite form of torture to any member of the Order?

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The Crown of Thorns.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Harry should marry Fred and keep George as his lover. When he gets bored with the arrangement, he can swap them out.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
You keep putting paper on the desk, obviously.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
I am the CEO of a global corporation, an Ambassador, and the Antichrist. I can control animals and the weak minded with the strength of my will. The powers of Hell are at my command. I also throw fantastic parties.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I could offer you your deepest, darkest fantasies and perversions, but I see that has already been done. I strive to be unique, so instead I offer you forgiveness. Your sins are no longer marks on your soul, but instead are glorious praises to my Father. When I take over Heaven, Hell, and Earth, you shall be rewarded for your crimes. For what man's virtues outweigh his sins?

If THAT doesn't work, I ran across a Girl Scout troop this afternoon. You can have the Girl Scouts or the cookies, I don't care which.

If I may, I'd like to offer a few more items to my bribe. I have a small collection of knives, a few extremly rare artifacts, and several antique books on Biblical history.

Comments

Re: ::Screened for the Assassin and the Antichrist::

[teatimeassassin.livejournal.com]

"Sporting chances" are supposedly the best of manners in the Assassin's Guild. And then, of course, they became quite cross with me for inhuming the entirety of the household instead of merely the person that I was hired to kill; tell me, what sorts of standards are those?

I suppose that I could take it for now, though DEATH's sword is rather more appealing to me, I must admit. How did this one work in the soul-cleaving test?

((He'll 'make due' with it, yes. And you can find out a bit more about him here (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Teatime). Wikipedia is a goldmine.))

Re: ::Screened for the Assassin and the Antichrist::

[damien-thorn.livejournal.com]

((*smacks forehead* I should have though of that.))

*Damien is in the side of the room, standing over a man. The man is holding the sword. His arms are shaking, and it seems as if he's trying to keep from stabbing himself. Damien whispers in his ear, and the man shoves the blade into himself. A pale whisp rises from the body, and Damien takes the sword out of the man and wipes it on the poor victim's pants. The boken hulk of flesh shivers in the corner.*

It worked very well.

Re: ::Screened for the Assassin and the Antichrist::

[teatimeassassin.livejournal.com]

Ah, as I see, sir.

I believe that I would take that sword and make due with it until you are able to bring me the one I would prefer. That is, of course, acceptable, is it not?

Re: ::Screened for the Assassin and the Antichrist::

[damien-thorn.livejournal.com]

Yes, it is. I look forward to seeing you after the sorting.

Re: ::Screened for the Assassin and the Antichrist::

[teatimeassassin.livejournal.com]

Excellent, sir.

Thank you very much.