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1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Hello? Is this working? Oh no. All this technology is ganging up on me. Oh wait. It is working. Hel-lo! Cheese, right? Yeah. Uhhh....I'd prefer a vegetable question but okay. Uhhh...gorgonzola, I suppose. Just because it sounds funny.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Oh no! violence! I told Vyvyan it was the holocaust. Heavy. Well, I suppose I would kill Barney first because at least Carrottop has a vegetable name. But why couldn't they call him Lentiltop? I much prefer lentils. But I'd rather not be all heavy and violent and kill Barney. Couldn't he just do with a really good spanking?

3. What time is it where you are?

Oh no! Reality! Um, I'm not sure. It's sometime in the middle of the night, I think. 'cuz it's dark, right. Really dark.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Woah. Hea-vy. That's a fascist question and I'm not going to answer it. Eat Lentils and be mel-low.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

Probably down the kabab. But does it have to be in the dark? I seriously think we could get some mood lighting there. Yeah! and play Marillion! Yeah!

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Well, I don't think it's right to debate on who anyone should marry, right. But mythologies, right. Yeah, I can deal with that. Yeah. How about the New Urban Pagan Celtic Awareness? I think I'll have to rap with my sufi about this.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

Smart? Oh, right. Ummm....Hamburgers are Shit!

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Well, I do a lot of washing up. In fact I do ALL the washing up. Nobody ever does anything 'round here and so I'm forced to do like EVERYTHING. Um, and I can make lentils and uhhh...If I am forced to, right, like if Vyvyan gets pregnant again and we have like no bread, and like no bread to make any bread, I could always join the pigs and crash parties.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.

Would anyone like any lentils? I could also paint you all an astrological star chart. Yeah! Now that would be like really, really groovy, right. I also have a few old, warped Marillion albulms I could part with. They're LP's, though. I'm not a fascist.