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((Backdated to Halloween.))
It was odd, really, the way the human mind worked. The way a person, normally quite rational, could be consumed with what she knew was an irrational thought. A flight of fancy, a nightmare best regulated to under beds or inside closets, could become as real as the waking world; even whilst the person fights against it.
For example, Lily knew that tonight was just another night. A simple span of twenty-four hours; much like the day before and the day after. All Hallows Eve though it may be, Witch though Lily may be, she ascribed it no special powers or sway over the ooglie-booglies that haunted mortal imagination. It was simply a day of revelry - of costumes and candy and silly pranks. Nothing magical about it; at least, nothing more magical than was about any other day in a wizarding school.
Why, then, after a brief moment of relief with the Feegles and their Halloween mischief, Lily had found herself unable to do much else besides lock herself in her room behind far too many wards and curl up in a corner, wand out, she couldn't have said. Nothing was going to happen. Just because this was the night she'd died - the night James had been murdered - didn't mean a sodding thing. Voldemort wasn't going to burst through her room door and kill her again. She wasn't going to get an owl saying there'd been an attack on Harry. No Dark Mark floating over someplace she'd been too late to arrive to, no blank stares from bodies she had to bury with no one left to mourn them.
She knew that. And yet.
All the candles Lily owned were lit. In the far corner of her room, back firmly wedged against the wall, Lily's gaze kept flickering from the window to the door and back again. Defensive mode. But not against Voldemort. Because she knew that he wasn't a threat - or, rather, that he was a threat she could handle, one she understood and could ward against. And she wasn't afraid of an attack; not more than she usually was.
A small seed of thought had started to take root at the back of her mind, pushed down by the everyday noise of Lily's life, but not hindered in its growth by the lack of attention. Louder, now, was this idea, this fanciful thought that Lily knew - just as she knew Voldemort wasn't at this moment on his way up to her rooms with wand out - was entirely impossible.
What Lily was really afraid of at this moment, what had her curled up in the corner of her room, eyes wide open and jaw set, wasn't the thought of a replay of that night seventeen years (or, for her, five months) ago. It was the notion of a reversal.
Time seemed to have lost its once firm hold on the world, throwing the students and staff of Hogwarts into odd sort of in-between space where there weren't any rules to cling to any longer. Lily had come back, thrust forward seventeen years. To her, though, it'd been a matter of seconds. She also hadn't returned the same day she'd died, instead jumping back five months in the year. Time was, indeed, off its rocker and doing the funky chicken with Santa Claus in the Bahamas.
What Lily feared, irrationally she knew, was that once Halloween flipped over to the next day, the day she'd never gotten to live, she would...disappear. That all of this was simply a short reprieve and her Halloween now would turn into the last Halloween and she would once again be in that room, listening to that laugh, seeing James lying lifeless in the next room, and pleading for her son's life. That this time, the flash of green light wouldn't bring her to the Sorting Room. That she really would die, that whatever cosmic mistake had brought her back would reverse itself and she would be gone. That the tentative life she'd begun to carve for herself in this new world would be taken from her.
All she wanted was to have Perry hold her until the sun rose and her fears were proved false. She needed to feel connected; as if by anchoring herself to someone she could stave off the nothing she dreaded would overtake her. Lily wanted Sirius to hold her hand and tell her, again, that he wasn't going anywhere, because, maybe, that meant she wasn't either.
But, as had happened so often since coming back, Lily found herself unable to reach out to ask for those things. She should be able to handle this, she was being insane, she couldn't put her irrational fears onto them. They shouldn't have to deal with her, with this. Twice Lily nearly summoned over a bit of parchment and jotted off two owls, twice she stayed her hand. She was fine. Everything was fine. There was nothing to be afraid of.
In her room, with the candles burning steadily and causing shadows to dance on her walls, Lily curled up, chin resting on her knees, and waited for the morning. Alone.
It was odd, really, the way the human mind worked. The way a person, normally quite rational, could be consumed with what she knew was an irrational thought. A flight of fancy, a nightmare best regulated to under beds or inside closets, could become as real as the waking world; even whilst the person fights against it.
For example, Lily knew that tonight was just another night. A simple span of twenty-four hours; much like the day before and the day after. All Hallows Eve though it may be, Witch though Lily may be, she ascribed it no special powers or sway over the ooglie-booglies that haunted mortal imagination. It was simply a day of revelry - of costumes and candy and silly pranks. Nothing magical about it; at least, nothing more magical than was about any other day in a wizarding school.
Why, then, after a brief moment of relief with the Feegles and their Halloween mischief, Lily had found herself unable to do much else besides lock herself in her room behind far too many wards and curl up in a corner, wand out, she couldn't have said. Nothing was going to happen. Just because this was the night she'd died - the night James had been murdered - didn't mean a sodding thing. Voldemort wasn't going to burst through her room door and kill her again. She wasn't going to get an owl saying there'd been an attack on Harry. No Dark Mark floating over someplace she'd been too late to arrive to, no blank stares from bodies she had to bury with no one left to mourn them.
She knew that. And yet.
All the candles Lily owned were lit. In the far corner of her room, back firmly wedged against the wall, Lily's gaze kept flickering from the window to the door and back again. Defensive mode. But not against Voldemort. Because she knew that he wasn't a threat - or, rather, that he was a threat she could handle, one she understood and could ward against. And she wasn't afraid of an attack; not more than she usually was.
A small seed of thought had started to take root at the back of her mind, pushed down by the everyday noise of Lily's life, but not hindered in its growth by the lack of attention. Louder, now, was this idea, this fanciful thought that Lily knew - just as she knew Voldemort wasn't at this moment on his way up to her rooms with wand out - was entirely impossible.
What Lily was really afraid of at this moment, what had her curled up in the corner of her room, eyes wide open and jaw set, wasn't the thought of a replay of that night seventeen years (or, for her, five months) ago. It was the notion of a reversal.
Time seemed to have lost its once firm hold on the world, throwing the students and staff of Hogwarts into odd sort of in-between space where there weren't any rules to cling to any longer. Lily had come back, thrust forward seventeen years. To her, though, it'd been a matter of seconds. She also hadn't returned the same day she'd died, instead jumping back five months in the year. Time was, indeed, off its rocker and doing the funky chicken with Santa Claus in the Bahamas.
What Lily feared, irrationally she knew, was that once Halloween flipped over to the next day, the day she'd never gotten to live, she would...disappear. That all of this was simply a short reprieve and her Halloween now would turn into the last Halloween and she would once again be in that room, listening to that laugh, seeing James lying lifeless in the next room, and pleading for her son's life. That this time, the flash of green light wouldn't bring her to the Sorting Room. That she really would die, that whatever cosmic mistake had brought her back would reverse itself and she would be gone. That the tentative life she'd begun to carve for herself in this new world would be taken from her.
All she wanted was to have Perry hold her until the sun rose and her fears were proved false. She needed to feel connected; as if by anchoring herself to someone she could stave off the nothing she dreaded would overtake her. Lily wanted Sirius to hold her hand and tell her, again, that he wasn't going anywhere, because, maybe, that meant she wasn't either.
But, as had happened so often since coming back, Lily found herself unable to reach out to ask for those things. She should be able to handle this, she was being insane, she couldn't put her irrational fears onto them. They shouldn't have to deal with her, with this. Twice Lily nearly summoned over a bit of parchment and jotted off two owls, twice she stayed her hand. She was fine. Everything was fine. There was nothing to be afraid of.
In her room, with the candles burning steadily and causing shadows to dance on her walls, Lily curled up, chin resting on her knees, and waited for the morning. Alone.
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Date: 2006-11-03 05:27 am (UTC)Besides, he hated Halloween anyway.
Perry figured Lily wasn't going to want to leave her room (and it was probably fair enough, if she was afraid; the security on his room was fairly pathetic), and so he spent the better part of the afternoon working up ways to distract her -- that didn't involve being horrified or mortified when Sirius dropped by later. Eventually, a short while after sundown, he got everything together and, Red Baron in tow with a huge and heavy-looking bundle on his back, went to Lily's room.
For once, he didn't bother to knock. The wards were still presumably tooled to let him in, and he didn't know what the situation inside would be. Quietly opening the door, he stuck his head aside and peered around.
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Date: 2006-11-03 05:42 am (UTC)Then, without a word, Lily was up and across the room in a moment, burying herself in Cox's arms. Face pressed tight to his chest, arms wrapped around his waist, she gave a strangled laugh. "What are you doing here?" Lily's tone made it very clear that she was glad he was. She hadn't even noticed the Baron or his bundle - her entire focus was on the fact that Perry was there.
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Date: 2006-11-03 06:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-03 06:31 am (UTC)Struggling desperately for normal - she knew she hadn't told Cox what today was and it never occurred to Lily that someone else might; therefore she took his explanation at face value - Lily attempted a smile. "Here I thought you'd enjoy an entire day when you had free reign to scare the shite out of everyone you encounter." That's when she noticed the Baron. Huh. Tilting her head to the side, she regarded the pony - and the large bundle on his back - for a moment before turning to Cox. "Are you...planning some sort of expedition I should know about?" Still tense and pale, Lily's shaky smile nonetheless became a bit stronger as she fell into the easy pattern of her and Cox's usual banter. Also - not every day her boyfriend showed up at her door with his pony in tow. Any new thought to distract her was a good thing.
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Date: 2006-11-03 06:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-03 06:55 am (UTC)Standing aside so that Cox and the Baron could enter, Lily's expression was bemused and she shook her head as the pony passed her. Somehow, she thought there was probably a reason behind Cox deciding to bring his telly over to her room instead of just owling her to stop by his place. However, as she had no desire to reveal the depths of her crazy to him if he didn't already know, and because she was just so sodding grateful he was there she didn't care to look to closely at the reasons why, she simply gave Perry a small smile and went to help him unload the Baron.
((Reposted for typing error.))
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Date: 2006-11-05 07:34 am (UTC)For his part, the plan was to act as if things were at least generally normal. Lily was having a bad night, but she was a ridiculously strong woman, and Perry didn't think she'd particularly appreciate him babying her all evening. She wasn't the type -- if she was, he wouldn't be with her in the first place. Yes, he wasn't the biggest proponent of 'talking things out' anyway, and hearing about Lily's death tended to make him extremely uncomfortable, but he really did think this way the way to go; what better way to ease the pain of the anniversary of, quite literally, the worst day of one's life, than to make it into just any other day? If Lily decided she wanted to ramble at him (as she sometimes did), he'd shut up and try to tune out the stuff that bothered him the most, but when he'd been trying to figure out what to do tonight he had figured that normality was key. Thus, the television.
He managed to get it set up pretty easily on top of her table in a few minutes. The charms on it weren't location-specific, and when he experimentally flipped it on, the thing seemed to work just fine. Satisfied, he returned to the Baron and unloaded the other, much smaller bundle, which turned out to contain an apple and a napping Steeler. The former went to the pony, a reward for his hard labor; the latter woke up immediately and jumped down to run around Lily's legs in circles.
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Date: 2006-11-07 05:18 am (UTC)He stood outside Lily's door and knocked politely. There was no way he was going to try to burst past her wards. Besides, for all he knew, she could be having sex in there, and that was definitely something he did not want to be privy to.
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Date: 2006-11-07 06:10 am (UTC)However, the knock on her door caused her to tense, her head raising from Perry's shoulder and eyes wide. Lily's jaw clenched. Skin perhaps going a bit pale, hand perhaps shaking slightly, her voice was nonetheless even and quiet. "Stay here, Ginger." Kissing him absently, Lily's eyes never left the door. Displacing Steeler and climbing out of bed, she walked steadily over towards her door.
This wasn't like the last knock on her door on a Halloween. This wasn't anything like it. It was probably Sirius or Sarah or Harry or one of the 500 Feelges wearing her face or Robin or...or not Voldemort. That was the important thought to hold onto. This was not like last time. There wasn't going to be a shout or that horrible laughter or a flash of green light or the sudden burst of pain. She'd almost managed to convince herself of that by the time her fingers closed around the doorknob, though her wand hadn't lowered and her heart hadn't stopped pounding.
Pulling open the door, her wand automatically trained on the person standing outside, a hex nearly formed and cast before she recognized him. "Sirius." A quick intake of breath, half relieved and half embarrassed, and Lily lowered her wards. Reaching out to take his hand, she pulled him inside so she could reset the wards and shut the door. Then, wordlessly, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. Sirius understood - hell, his life had all but ended at the same time Lily's had; he just had the fortune to share twelve years with the Dementors in hell rather than meeting a quick end at Voldemort's wand. Sighing softly into his chest, she tried for a laugh. "Now, I know you're supposed to be out there, drinking and debauching and enjoying your Halloween." Pulling back slightly, she tipped her head back to look at him, a small smile on her lips. "What are you doing here, Black?"
And with Sirius' arrival, Lily was beginning to suspect that Perry's (and Perry's telly's) migration wasn't a random night spent with the girlfriend. And, where normally Lily would have rolled her eyes or grumbled or felt the need to point out to the two men that she was quite capable and didn't need anyone hovering, right now she was just thankful that they were both there. Though there was some corner of her mind that was vaguely annoyed that Perry and Sirius had obviously had some sort of conversation about her behind her back. However, that initial shot of annoyance was quickly covered by the more pervasive feeling of slightly amused love for the both of them - she was one bloody lucky girl, to have two people care about her enough to put up with her tonight. Arms tightening around Sirius marginally in thanks, her eyes acknowledging what he was doing and openly showing her gratitude for that, Lily then pulled Sirius back over to the bed. "Come on, then," she said lightly. "If you're here, you might as well watch the telly with us."
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Date: 2006-11-07 02:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-08 03:45 am (UTC)Cox was on the bed with Steeler, and Sirius had been on the verge of formulating some innuendo-laden greeting to hurl at him when Lily was suddenly hugging him tightly and he hadn't the breath for it any more. Slowly, although not glacially so, he raised his arms and hugged her back, one arm encircling her shoulders and the other pressed against her back, palm flat against the lower tipes of her hair.
The light, clean scent of her hair made his heart start to pound, and he swallowed hard, reminding himself not to make a jackass of himself, especially in front of Cox. The further reminder that she was probably seeking some comfort on a day that represented the loss of her husband, her ability to raise her child, and her own life snapped his mind back into focus, and he squeezed her a bit harder to let her know he was there and mindful of how she must be feeling.
When she finally pulled back, he said, "I'm here to visit you, Pretty Bigjob Hag. Already did a bit of drinking. Missed my opportunity for debauchery, as, until fifteen minutes ago, I was still transfigured into you. So...I suppose I'm here to enjoy myself." He left his primary reason for being there unsaid. If she wanted to talk about it, she would. And he figured she'd be smart enough to work it out anyway.
Allowing her to pull him over to the bed, he nodded and smiled at Cox. "Hey, Perrilicious. Pizza and telly sound brilliant. What's on? Football? Car racing? Porn? If it's some girly romantic film, then I want to sit next to you," he said, pointing at Cox as he sat down on the bed next to Lily. After Summoning a slice of pizza over to himself and taking a huge bite, he dug into his pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a miniaturised pasty of sorts, which, reaching across Lily, he brandished in front of Steeler's nose and then dropped in his own lap. It was only a matter of seconds, if that, before Steeler had bounded over and started devouring the treat.
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Date: 2006-11-08 06:11 am (UTC)Of course, as Lily rarely got a chance to pick the program, she was now taking full advantage of it. Shortly before Sirius had knocked her attention had been caught by the opening scene of a movie. Now, quickly becoming reabsorbed in it, her fingers playing with Cox's and her head resting once again on his shoulder, she told Sirius, "Something called When Harry Met Sally (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_Harry_Met_Sally...)." She darted a wicked glance over at Sirius. "I believe, yes, this does qualify as 'girly romantic'. Should I move over, then?" Cox got a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth as Lily's way of saying she had no intention of moving (or giving up the remote without a fight) before Lily turned her eyes back to the screen. The movie was doing quite well as a distraction, for the moment, and Lily's free hand reached over to absently scratch at Steeler's ears.
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Date: 2006-11-08 03:40 pm (UTC)At Lily's choice of movie, he rolled his eyes over to Sirius with a long-suffering look. "This is what I get for letting her take the damn remote," he lamented, though he returned the kiss Lily had given him as he said it. "And I'd move over for you, Skippy, i~f I trusted you to keep your hands to yourself for five minutes," he added. "I'm not so much in the mood to get molested tonight."
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Date: 2006-11-09 02:18 am (UTC)Sitting forward so he could see past Lily to Cox, Sirius said, "It's sort of an odd story. See, there were these wee Lilies with a heavy Scottish accent swarming all over the bar of your common room, and they wouldn't let me have Firewhisky unless I agreed to be transfigured through their...their wee-Lily Scottish magic - and so...I was turned into her. And I got Firewhisky." It sounded ridiculous. Then again, stranger things had happened at Hogwarts. Case in point: HOMSAR.
He glanced over at the TV. "Oh, Merlin," he groaned. "I think I feel a vagina regrowing itself on me. Could you have chosen anything more female than this?" He glanced back at Cox and Lily, catching the tail end of the kiss. After a brief moment, he forced himself to let it go. Staring back at the TV, he said, "Can we at least switch to The Speed Channel (http://www.speedtv.com/) during commercials? If not, I think we blokes are gonna have to stage a revolt to capture back the remote at some point. I mean, I'm losing testicle cells by the second, here."
Scooping Steeler up in his arms (and groaning at the dog's heaviness), he added, "I think I could keep my hands to myself for about ten minutes, yeah. I've got to play with this little bloke, and for that, I need my hands!" He started scratching under Steeler's chin. "Yeah, you like that, don't you? I know." He really did know the joys of getting a good under-chin scritch. "Can't promise more than ten minutes, though," he said to Cox. "You know, temptation and all that."
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Date: 2006-11-15 08:00 pm (UTC)When Lily got up again, snarling and stomping, he started to get up with her, to say.... something, to do something. But what? He really hated to see her like this, but everything he could think of just came up silly or hollow. The sense of frustation and helplessness was almost unbearable. Sighing, he sat back and downed the rest of his own drink, watching her go with dark, worried eyes.
As soon as the door shut, however, he turned to Sirius. "Okay," he said, leaning close, an edge of angry desperation in his voice. "We need to do something about this, and we need to figure out what right now. I..." He toyed with his glass, jaw clenching. "I have no idea what the hell to do, Fido, I really don't. I'm not equipped for this. I'm an immature, emotionally crippled narcissist." Looking up again, he scrutinized Sirius, narrowing his eyes. "You, o~n the other hand, are an equally immature sex addict, but... all the same, I think you've got this more in hand than I do. You at least know how she's feeling more than I do..."
Setting his glass aside, he leaned back against the headboard and sighed again, passing a hand over his face. "What the hell do we do?" Perry hated to admit defeat, and he despised asking other people for help -- even (perhaps especially) people he cared about -- but he saw no other option. And the truth was that Sirius did know Lily better than he did, and he definitely knew more about what was going on tonight. Lily had told Perry quite a bit about her murder, but he knew that his awareness of it didn't even come close to the reality of the situation.
Basically, if anything good was going to happen tonight... he really, truly hated to say it, but it was going to come from Sirius. The idea would have been maddening no matter who it had been; but at least he trusted the Animagus now, insofar as much as he trusted anyone at all.
As soon as the door opened again he rallied himself, quite well in fact, plastering a grin onto his face. "Well, there~'s a special on plastic surgery, and NASCAR's on... alternately, The Fast and the Furious appears to be on." He started to put his arm back around her, but stopped himself. It hadn't exactly seemed to help before. Fighting back a surge of sulky irritation, he turned back to the TV.
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Date: 2006-11-17 06:25 am (UTC)But then she got more and more fidgety, and Sirius didn't really know why. Of course, he understood the significance of the date - that's why he and Cox were in her room, trying to distract her - but he had expected her to be sad or sullen rather than anxious. He thought about asking her what was going on, but he didn't want to make things worse, and then she went off to the loo anyway, and he was left alone with Cox.
"Hey, give me credit, I'm emotionally crippled, too," Sirius protested lightly, amused at Cox's assessment of him. He shifted so he was looking at Cox. "And...well, I'm really not sure why she's so agitated. I mean, I thought she'd have a cry about James, or about how everything has changed, and then she'd be fine. I didn't think she'd be up and down, up and down like a restless garden gnome."
There was a loud crash from the bathroom, and Sirius glanced briefly in that direction before turning back to Cox. "Right. And I reckon she's going to pretend like that didn't happen. Okay. I'll tell you the one thing we can't do, which is sit around and try and keep her distracted, because obviously that's not working. I'll see if I can get it out of her." He took a sip of his Firewhisky. "I'm warning you now, this may not be pretty, but don't worry, if she ends up being loud about it, it'll probably be directed at me, not you. Just hang out and listen to her and...well, you know, if she starts crying...you know...comfort her and stuff."
It was tough for Sirius to say that. He wanted to be the one to hold Lily and stroke her hair and be there in that manner - and in many ways this was unrelated to his feelings for her. Rather, it came from his friendship with her - and his friendship with James - and from his very real understanding of the hardships they had been through together.
But Cox was her boyfriend, and so Sirius knew he had to stand back to the extent that Lily and Cox needed him to. After swallowing hard, he continued in what he hoped was a light tone, "And tea helps, too."
The sound of the bathroom door opening made him turn around. Lily looked all right...a little too all right. After she took his glass, Sirius gave her a sidelong glance and said casually, "So...doing all right there, Evans? Don't try and answer in the affirmative, because you know I'm going to get it out of you. At the very least, you owe it to the glass you broke in the loo." Again, he really wanted to put his arm around her, but instead he ran a finger lightly up and down her forearm and then looked at her expectantly. "What's going on?"
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Date: 2006-11-17 08:26 am (UTC)She made a concentrated effort to ignore Sirius, but his mention of the glass caused her to flush slightly and her eyes to flick first to Cox and then to meet Sirius’. “Dropped it,” she said in a miserable attempt at lying. Not that it mattered - even if she’d been able to pull off a halfway decent bluff, Sirius always seemed to know. Her gaze dropped to her hands and her fingers played with the now-empty glass. Shifting on the bed, she gave Perry a sidelong look. She desperately wanted to come up with some explanation for her behavior that didn’t boil down to ‘you’re dating a crazy person’. Not quite able to come up with one - perhaps because he was dating a crazy person - she gave him a small, apologetic smile before looking at the telly.
“Has anyone ever told you that it’s rather obnoxious when people pry?” she told Sirius, her tone irritated. Her jaw clenched and Lily tried to even out her voice. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be fine? I’m in bed with two handsome blokes, watching fast cars and tits. It’s every girl’s dream. I’m fine.” What she had intended to be teasing came out slightly snappish and Lily closed her eyes briefly. Steady, Evans.
“I’m fine,” she repeated again, softly. “Clumsy, but fine.”
It was Sirius’ touch on her arm that caused her rigorously neutral expression to break slightly. The need for physical contact hadn’t stopped, and Cox had left off holding her. Swallowing hard, knuckles going white at her grip on the glass, Lily took a deep breath. Part of her was screaming for them to leave her alone; the rest wanted to curl into a ball and tell them everything that was tearing her apart.
She couldn’t. Even Lily - in her current dubious emotional state - knew that the main thing that was gnawing at her was insane. And she didn’t want Perry to look at her any differently, didn’t want him to think of her as irredeemably broken. How to even say it? How could any sane person seriously worry that at the stroke of midnight they’d be hurled back to the night they died? That where the two men she loved more than anything were would then be the man who’d taken her life. Her room would fade into the house at Godric’s Hollow. Harry would be crying behind her, high-pitched laughter would flood her senses. And the flash of green light. It always ended in that. And all of this - her relationship with Perry, her friendship with Sirius - was nothing more than a mistake. She’d not wind up in the Sorting Room this time. Only darkness and a grave and a coffin and a bit of stone marking her life. She’d never be held again, never laugh or smile or tease, never kiss or touch or love - nothing. And the nothing made more bitter by the fact that she’d been offered a second chance.
Insane. She knew it, she knew it wasn’t possible, and yet... On top of everything else, on top of the realization that tonight was the anniversary of the night she’d lost her family, she had this silly, irrational fear that kept pulling her away. And so, when Sirius touched her arm, when she found herself completely unable to force any sort of articulate explanation of what was bothering her, Lily did the next best thing. Turning, she buried her face in Sirius’ chest. No crying, though. No ranting or shouting or even any movement, in fact. Just Lily - knees still pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around her legs, hand curled around her glass - leaning against Sirius, her forehead pressed in the crook of his neck.
“I’m fine.”
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Date: 2006-11-19 09:52 pm (UTC)That really didn't make it any easier when Lily turned away from him and to Sirius. Perry watched as she leaned into the Animagus, frowning, then quickly hid his expression behind the safety of his glass, though he continued to eye them over the rim. Jealousy and self-righteousness (that's my job, I should be the one to--) washed over him, but they were accompanied by an odd and uncomfortable sense of guilt (I should be the one to--) that made him shift and, after a moment, look away again.
There was something else, too, something that was harder to identify, and it took him a minute to get it: he felt, suddenly, like he was intruding. In a room with his girlfriend and his best friend, he felt like the third wheel. Of course, he realized Sirius had probably been feeling that way earlier, but... Sirius was the third wheel, he was supposed to feel that way, dammit, not Perry.
Basically, when it came down to it, nothing about this didn't suck, and Lily was still miserable. Lily, who, once again, this was supposed to be about in the first place. Oh for God's sake, just grow up already, Perry snapped at himself mentally. Lifting a hand, he hesitated uncertainly, then awkwardly patted Lily on the back.
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Date: 2006-11-19 10:45 pm (UTC)And then instinct took over, and he put his arms around Lily, one around her shoulders and across her back and the other pushed through her hair, fingers resting lightly on her neck. A quick, guilty glance at Cox found him taking a sip of his drink - and hell, Sirius didn't blame him for that. Alcohol was a pretty good idea right about now, although Sirius quickly decided he himself wouldn't have any more, so that he didn't say or do anything dumb later on. More importantly, Cox didn't look as if he were about to tell anyone off or use his six pack as a weapon, so Sirius figured he was okay so far.
Actually, had it not been for the owl exchange he and Cox had had after the strip poker debacle (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/959971.html?thread=47436515#t47436515) and for the fact that Sirius felt horribly guilty for coveting his best friends' (yes, plural) girl, Sirius would have thought nothing of his own actions and wouldn't have worried one bit about Cox's reaction. But as it was, Sirius was definitely worried - and very relieved to find that Cox didn't seem to want to kill him...yet.
Anyway, Sirius was most concerned about Lily, especially when he didn't even know what the problem was in the first place, at least not exactly. Looking down and away from Cox, he tightened his hug a little and then bent his head down so his mouth was near Lily's ear.
"Hey. You're missing all the tits on telly," he half-whispered in a low tone, massaging her neck slightly. "Please tell me what's going on."
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Date: 2006-11-20 02:53 am (UTC)At the question whispered in her ear she shivered slightly and shook her head. "It's insane," she murmured back against his skin, not willing to lift her head and meet his eyes. "I'm insane."
The thing was, she knew that Sirius wouldn't stop pushing. And, on some level, she counted on that most of the time. Now, though, she wished she could have some delusional idea that he might drop the matter. However...
She sighed. "I'm afraid I'm going to get sent back." Mumbled together, said in a resigned tone. "Time is all fucked up and I'm afraid that I'm going to go back...back there." Her fingers tightened on Perry's and she took a long, shuddering breath. Then, she pulled back enough to look up at Sirius, eyes wide and apologetic and embarrassed. And, perhaps, just a hint of fear hiding behind her gaze. "It's insane," she repeated. "I know it is. I know."
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Date: 2006-12-01 05:36 am (UTC)And then Cox's outburst jolted his senses. "Huh?" He pulled Lily in tighter for a moment, and then, realising what had happened, he relaxed. "Oh." He glanced at the clock and then lightly jiggled Lily's shoulder. "Well. You're still here, princess. And my shirt is intact. Thank Merlin for small favours."
Of course, mentally, Sirius was heaving huge sighs of relief. And although his grip had loosened, he was still holding onto Lily.
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Date: 2006-12-01 05:59 am (UTC)And then, vaguely, she heard Cox laugh and Sirius was talking and...
...it was over. Sagging against Sirius in relief, she grinned at him, shaking her head. "I told you it was insane," she murmured. Reaching up, she kissed him lightly, a chaste brushing of her lips against his, and then brushed her thumb gently across his cheek and met his eyes. "I've never been more glad to be nutters." How did you say 'thank-you' for something like this? For sitting with her when she'd honestly gone mad? She couldn't, so she just gave him a look filled with the gratitude and love she didn't have words for.
Perry had gotten up, so Lily followed him, going to him and wordlessly wrapping her arms around his neck, her fingers tangling in his hair and pulling his head down for a deep, slow kiss. Because there weren't any words to say how sodding grateful she was to still be here. Because she really didn't want to try and express it any other way. "So, Ginger," she murmured, tugging on his lower lip gently, "do you reckon that movie is still on?"
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Date: 2006-12-02 05:52 am (UTC)Everything was more than fine, and he desperately needed a drink. Leaving Sirius and Lily the bed, he went back to the table with the drinks, his back to them. He poured himself a shot and immediately downed it, swallowing hard as if knocking back all the fear, all the anxiety. Having solved that pressing need, he poured three more glasses, one for each of them, and turned back just in time to find Lily at his side.
Flashing her a shaky grin, he reached back behind himself just long enough to set the drinks back down. Then, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close, kissing her slowly, sweetly. He understood the lack of words -- of course he of all people did. There was absolutely nothing he could say, but she had to know how happy he was to see her standing there, to feel her still there, right? Drawing back as she spoke, he laughed and kissed her forehead. "Well, I'd say we missed the plot, but God knows that'd be giving it way too much credit."
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Date: 2006-12-02 08:32 pm (UTC)Sirius would have been less surprised had the big hand Cox had imagined actually materialised out of nowhere and grabbed Lily away from them.
She kissed him. On the lips. Quickly and innocently, yes. It was easily the sort of thing friends, close friends, would do with each other
, at least, Europeans would. But at that moment, none of that mattered to Sirius, because she kissed him.And that's when his mind stopped working. Wordlessly, he lifted his own hand to cup her neck, his fingers pushed into her hair and his eyes boring right back into hers. Consequences be damned. He was going to kiss her, because that was the only thing he knew how to do at that moment.
But before he had a chance, just as he was starting to close his eyes, she began to pull away. And then she was gone.
Which was a really good thing, because that's when the reality of what he had almost done hit him. Quickly, he turned and slid off the bed, heading straight for the TV, his head craned down and away from Lily and Cox so they couldn't see his face, which he was sure had a very embarrassed expression on it.
Kneeling down, he started to adjust some of the wiring in the back, not because it actually needed adjusting, but because he needed time to recover and sort himself out.
She kissed me. She kissed me. She's so beautiful. She kissed me.
After about ten seconds of fake tinkering, he glanced up...and saw Lily and Cox kissing. Despite his nearly disastrous move, he had felt lightheaded and detached, but now everything started to sink.
Lily was fine. She was happy. This was good. But she no longer needed him, and he knew he was very much the third wheel once again.
He stood. "Right. Well. I should go back to my room now." He looked down at the TV so he wouldn't have to look up at them, busying himself with brushing invisible dust off the top of it. "So...cheers. Don't watch anything I wouldn't watch." He forced himself to laugh as he looked back up at them, at Lily.
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Date: 2006-12-03 07:00 am (UTC)She turned as Sirius spoke, her grin fading slightly. Oh. Her eyes met his and her brow furrowed a bit. It...wasn't like Sirius to just run off. Then again, it wasn't like she'd been exactly fun to be with this evening. He was probably right sick of her.
Feeling suddenly guilty, she squeezed Cox's hand briefly before letting him go and walking over to Sirius. "All right," she said, still puzzled but not wanting to press the issue. "I'm not exactly sure how banning us from chick flicks and the shopping network is beneficial, but..." she smiled at him and then wrapped her arms around his waist in a tight hug. "Thank you," she murmured against his cheek, pressing a quick kiss there. Then she pulled back and grinned at him. "Go," she teased, playfully pushing him away. "I'm sure you have something more fun to do than hang out with me. I'd set Ginger free, too, but I'm obscenely selfish. Good night, love."
Turning around, Lily gave Perry an extremely wicked smile and returned to his side, arm sliding around his waist. Tilting her head back, she dropped a kiss to Perry's jaw. "I'm a bit sleepy, myself," she said quietly, eyes dancing. "Perhaps we should just go to bed?"