Closed RP: Hakkai and the fluffy kittens, only not really

[polite-sinner.livejournal.com]

((Backdated to right after Josh's sorting.))

Hakkai, to put it succinctly, looked like he had been through hell, or possibly worse -- which he had been once, months and months ago, but he thought he had moved on since then. Or more accurately, he had repressed the memories just enough to allow him to function from day to day, to live something as close to a normal life as someone like him was capable of living.

Strange how just one short conversation could completely shake the grip he had over reality. Not that he had ever had much of a grip on it to begin with, honestly. It was really more of a sort of mutual agreement between himself and his sanity to remain within reaching distance of one another. But right now, it was currently inching just a little farther to the left than Hakkai was comfortable with.

As he made his way back to the Ravenclaw tower, he was only distantly aware of the fact that Sanzo was somewhere behind him; the part of him that acknowledged his presence waved it off as an act of preemptive damage control (I'm not going to do anything, it's fine it's fine everything is fine stop following me like I'm a rabid dog), and he sped up his step in an unconscious attempt to lose the monk. His hand kneaded the scar on his stomach, trying to ease some imagined ache that had been slowly intensifying ever since he had spoken with -- with him. He half expected to feel blood flowing over his fingers and was (disappointed, relieved,) confused when he didn't.

He couldn't remember how long it had been since he had left the Sorting Room, but it couldn't have been more than five or ten (or fifteen?) minutes -- and as he stumbled out of a hallway onto the landing of a staircase, he realized he had only managed to go around in one large and time-consuming circle. With the realization came a sudden loss of strength, and Hakkai pressed his back against a wall, slowly sinking to the floor. He wrapped one arm around his middle and brought his knees up, curling around the phantom pain of his old wound. And not for the first time in his life, Hakkai felt completely and utterly lost and helpless.

((Warning: The following events are not intended for viewers under the (emotional and mental) age of ten. No kittens were harmed or even present during the filming of this episode. For best results, take with a healthy does of wangsty music and water.))

Comments

[perverted-kappa.livejournal.com]

((*dies* Ewwww...! "Hakkai, why is there an elephant dick in the sink?!? DD:"))

Gojyo leaned over toward his nightstand and paused, debating between using the empty beer can, which was closer, or the ashtray, which was almost out of reach. With a sigh, he leaned that extra few inches and chose the ashtray, taking it and balancing it in his lap to catch the ash from his cigarette.

He'd noticed the change in Hakkai's expression and had the absurd urge to say, 'Hey Gonou, long time no see,' since it did seem to be Gonou peeking through the cracks in Hakkai's usual smiling facade, and it had been quite a while since last Gojyo'd seen him. All those months ago, when Gonou had been taken away by Sanzo, and a few weeks later Gojyo had met a stranger with an unusual fondness for red apples wearing his face at the open-air market...

Pulled from his reminiscence by the sound of Hakkai's voice, Gojyo returned to watching him, smiling in amusement at the thought of a young Hakkai -- young Gonou, rather -- already having a strong opinion of God at such a young age. It wasn't surprising. To think that a child would be so cynical, though, was a little heartbreaking. "Oh, I don't know," he said as he glanced at Sanzo, trying not to grin. "The tentacle monster noodly god with the giant balls that wanted to feel you two up wasn't so bad. I kinda liked him."

[polite-sinner.livejournal.com]

"Well, I suppose it's nice for those who are a bit more resolute in their faith," Hakkai replied. "I'm sure it's. . . a positive experience for most, being able to come face to face with a deity." There was sarcasm in his voice, even a hint of disdain, though it was hard to tell just to whom it was directed. Somehow his tone spoke volumes more about how he felt about the topic than the words that actually left his lips.

Ah. The comment about the Flying Spaghetti Monster managed to elicit a genuine smile of amusement from Hakkai, though it was just indistinct enough to be missed. It faded as soon as it appeared, turning into something like his usual, mild expression (though it was still a bit rough around the edges). "Now as I recall, he wanted to make your acquaintance as well (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/879245.html?thread=43128973#t43128973), Gojyo."

Sobering a little, he stared at his hands, smiling apologetically to Sanzo and Gojyo without looking at them, as if to say, I know I'm being difficult, so thank you for being patient with me. He considered something for a second, and he tilted his head ever so slightly to the side. "Would you mind terribly if I asked something?" It seemed that he wasn't going to wait for their approval or refusal, as he said, "Do you. . ." Another uncertain pause, and for a split second, it looked like he was going to change his mind, but he tried once more. "It's a strange question, but, do you ever wonder. . ."

He fell silent again and sighed, bowing his head and rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure what's gotten into me tonight." Aside from the spirit of God some memories that were best left repressed and freakishly strong alcohol. "I must seem so--" pathetic, useless, idiotic "-- so silly right now, don't I?" His hand dropped back onto his lap, and he repeated, "I'm sorry."

[worldly_monk]

"I didn't mind meeting the other personification of the Christian god. She didn't talk." The first deity Sanzo had encountered was Kanzeon Bosatsu. That had been...surreal. Se wasn't at all what he would have expected, if he had ever bothered to think about it. Sanzo wondered if Gojyo would try to flirt with Kanzeon if he was unlucky enough to meet hir. That would almost be amusing enough to make it worth putting up with a visit from hir. Especially when Gojyo found out what se was hiding under hir robes.

Sanzo pulled out his cigarettes and lit one. He smoked in silence while Hakkai wrestled with whatever question he was trying (and failing) to ask. Glancing around he realized that the only ashtray appeared to be the one Gojyo was using. He got up and walked over to sit on the edge of the bed, only realizing after he was there that the ashtray was sitting in Gojyo's lap. He hesitated for a fraction of a second, then gave a mental shrug and reached over to tap the ash anyway. It was that, the floor, or the beer can, and Hakkai was already upset enough for one day.

He turned his attention back to Hakkai. "You're not being silly, but you are starting to get on my nerves. Just ask the question." Sanzo took another drag on his cigarette before continuing. "I can almost guarantee it won't be the dumbest question I've ever heard. Goku has that dubious honor."

[perverted-kappa.livejournal.com]

"The giant-balled wad of noodles seemed a lot more interested in you and Sanzo," he replied with a smirk, studying Hakkai's expression and trying to puzzle out what was going on his head. He was sadly mistaken if he thought his 'I'm fine, it's nothing' act was at all believable, and Gojyo wondered why he bothered pretending. Maybe it was something to do with pride.

He noticed Sanzo getting up, thinking at first he was going to leave. Gojyo was surprised when he felt his bed shift slightly under Sanzo's weight, gave the monk a look, and caught himself before it became his customary suggestive leer. It would be stupid to provide Hakkai with even more reasons to feel uncomfortable, especially when he was finally starting to open up more. "Stop apologising," he said as he looked at Hakkai again, making an effort to keep his tone light, almost teasing. Hopefully it would help put him at ease, if only a little. "Do we ever wonder what? C'mon, don't leave us hangin' like that." He glanced at Sanzo out of the corner of his eye. "But maybe I should suffocate Sanzo with my pillow first."

[polite-sinner.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry," was his reflexive reply, though it was a bit clipped at the end when Hakkai caught himself. He shifted a little uncomfortably, ostensibly debating whether or not to even bother asking the intended question. Obviously the two of them already knew he had something on his mind (his earlier floundering had already made that clear enough), but he was starting to delve into matters that he had always intended to keep private from anyone and everyone, even from the two people to whom he owed the most. Maybe the alcohol had impaired his sense of restraint far more than he thought--

-- Ah, but when did that fourth glass get into his hand? How odd -- but he quickly decided that it would be best not to let it go to waste.

The lightheadedness he felt earlier intensified, and he had to take a deep breath to suppress it. At the back of his mind he was berating himself for acting so irresponsibly. He couldn't quite bring the rest of himself to care. For a while, he seemed preoccupied with rolling the empty glass between his palms, until he suddenly asked, "Do you ever wonder about them?"

He held the glass still between his hands and hazarded a glance at the both of them before directing his gaze downwards. When he spoke again, he sounded reluctant, maybe even a little disoriented, which contrasted with the abruptness of before. "Those who-- ah, who left or died, I mean." Hakkai hoped they understood that he didn't mean just any people in general. (If he held on to the glass any tighter, it was likely to shatter in his hands.) "Do you ever wonder what they would think of you, if they could only see you now?"

[worldly_monk]

Sanzo threw Gojyo a look and growled, "Don't even think about it." Was he planning to start a pillow fight now? How old were they? On the other hand, that would be one way to distract Hakkai from his brooding. He was trying to imagine how that would look when Hakkai finally got his question out.

All his amusement was gone in a flash. He knew exactly what Hakkai meant. There was only one person whose opinion had ever mattered to Sanzo. Did he ever wonder what Koumyou Sanzo would think of him now? Practically every day. And every time he did, he was glad that Koumyou couldn't see him now. He knew he was nothing like what a Sanzo priest should be. He'd spent over eight years looking for his master's sutra, and he was no closer to finding it. He'd left a trail of bodies behind him for four of those years. Whatever future Koumyou had imagined for him that day he had named him Genjyo Sanzo, he was sure this wasn't it.

Sanzo stared at the cigarette in his hands, watching a curl of smoke drifting into the air, reminding him of incense and pipe smoke. "Yes," he answered, in a low voice that could barely be heard.

[perverted-kappa.livejournal.com]

((Feel free to skip to the bottom for his answer. This got pretty long.))

He was halfway to reaching back for his topmost pillow when Hakkai voiced his thoughts. Of all the questions he could have asked, that was among the very last Gojyo had expected him to. The alcohol was obviously affecting him for once, and it might have been amusing to observe how a tipsy Hakkai acted if not for the morbid direction his thoughts had taken.

Pillow forgotten, Gojyo let his hand fall back to the bed and brought his cigarette to his lips with the other. Taking a long drag, he exhaled the smoke slowly and no longer looked at either of them, instead focussing on the ashtray in his lap. He'd already wasted enough of his time and energy thinking about, worrying about, dreading -- what it would be like if his mother came back. Nothing would be different. The second she'd see him, she'd recognise him, and would most likely try to finish the job. He wasn't sure what would happen if no one was there to stop her.

At least he couldn't die on school grounds. Not even with an ax embedded in his neck. Hopefully.

Jien was a completely different story. Gojyo still hoped to one day find him, and meeting him at Hogwarts would be a stroke of good luck. He couldn't be sure that Jien wouldn't blame him for everything that happened years ago, but he had a feeling that, with enough time and after getting reacquainted with each other again, things might just be okay, or as okay as they ever could be. And maybe he was delusional.

"She'd still hate me," he said suddenly, ignoring the tightness in his chest as he stubbed out what was left of his cigarette and lit another. Sanzo hadn't elaborated on his answer in the least, and Gojyo felt awkward being the one to give more than a monosyllable response, but continued regardless. Maybe it would encourage Hakkai to answer as well. "Don't know about my brother. He might be surprised to find me alive. I know I would be." He was smiling faintly as he tilted his head back to look at the ceiling again, imagining what it would be like to introduce Jien to them one day.