Long-distance owl to Alan Grant

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

Alan,

Thank you again for the (second) birthday gift. It's as beautiful as the first.

There's something I'd like to run by you - a sorting bribe I'm very, very tempted by. Before you make the obvious objections, yes I realize what she's proposing is dangerous and no, I haven't committed to anything. Wish we could hash it out face to face, but this will have to do.

The applicant claims to be something called a mnemonomorph, skilled at manipulating memories. As her bribe she's offered to remove a single unwanted memory from the voter's mind forever.

Yes, I know those memories are essential, even the bad ones - that's why I asked if she could weaken a memory, give it less impact, so it's not like I'm reliving it every time it pops into my head or my dreams. She says she thinks she can do that, make it smaller - 'whitewash over it' is how she put it. She says she hasn't run into any risks in the procedure yet (I know, I know, always a first time).

So yeah, I know why this sounds really, really dicey (some of the students were extremely hostile at the mere suggestion), but you can see why I'm tempted, right? I mean, nightmares. You've got 'em too. If this could break the hold the memory of being of getting still has over my life, shouldn't I at least consider it?

I could really use some input here; I'm going round in circles on this.

In other news, God got sorted into Gryffindor, which will make Nemo happy. He said he wanted her to come live with him and Furryfurrysoft, but I'm not sure if he just meant in Gryffindor or actually with them. He said she seems like he thinks a Mommy should be, which is proof enough of divinity for me. Out of the mouths of babes, right?

Did you decide on something else to pass the time at full moon, or are we still on for westerns and Bond? Your call. Or am I disinvited?

Love,
Laura

Comments

[dinosaurman.livejournal.com]

Laura,

You've pretty much predicted what I have to say, and you're right. I think it's a bad idea, but it's your memory to live with, not mine. I don't know what kind of help I can give you, Laura, especially in a letter. For what it's worth, my gut reaction is to say don't do it.

I'm surprised she made it into a legitimate House, to be honest. The fact that Nemo likes her makes me feel better, in a way.

Westerns and Bond would be a wonderful way to spend the time. What on earth are you talking about?

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

Alan,

I know, it's an extreme step and I have plenty of instincts saying not to do it too. But I don't know what else to do; I hardly sleep, because when I do I dream of being getting the night I died. Damn it, I can't even write it out without it coming back to me.

This is the most likely solution to come my way since I came back. If you've got an alternative to suggest, other than getting hooked on Dreamless Sleep potion, I'm all ears (eyes?). The question, I guess, is which is more harmful, the memory itself or the applicant's modifying it? I think I trust Aornis - maybe not implicity, but circumstantially - she wants in to Hogwarts and I think she'd keep her end of the bargain to get in.

You have mixed feelings about God? Why? You might not if you meet Her, or they might be less mixed. She makes an impression. Where would you have voted? (By the way, in other Sorting news, the giant squid now has a lake-mate - a giant fire-breathing lizard-like creature. It's a Slytherin, of course.)

Well then, we've got a date. You did say you weren't looking forward to spending the full moon with me, didn't you?

Love,
Laura

[dinosaurman.livejournal.com]

Laura,

I can understand about the sleepless nights. I can't make it stop hurting, but you know I would try, right? I didn't realize it was that bad. You seemed to sleep well the other night. At least, I didn't notice that you were awake.

I can see why you'd want to get rid of it, or just fade it out, if you will. The part that bothers me the most is that you're willing to trust someone you've just met with your mind. It's not like she's bribing you with gold or books, or some other thing that can be set aside and forgotten about. This is you, and are you really willing to put yourself in the hands of a complete stranger? Just because she wants in to Hogwarts is no indication of character or trustworthiness.

Personal reasons. I think a long time ago my religious beliefs morphed into general spiritual beliefs. I wouldn't have voted. (Fire-breathing reptiles... isn't that a prerequisite for being in that House?)

Speaking of full moons, it turns out that the one in September is a partial lunar eclipse. That will be my last one out here, then I'll be heading back. It also happens to land a week before my birthday. What? No. It's the full moon I don't like, not the company.

Alan

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

Alan,

I know you can relate; that's one of the reasons I wanted to talk it over with you before deciding anything. I know. And I did sleep well that night, maybe because of the company. But it's the exception.

I'm not willing to trust her with my mind yet, that's why I asked for time to decide, to see more of her. (My first instinct on her is a good one, but those can be deceiving.) The part that bothers me most is not knowing what exactly is involved in this, but that's more than we could get into at a Sorting, you know what they're like. What I'd really love is to have a third party I trust there with us during the procedure - a telepath or similar who can monitor things for preference, but I don't think I know any.

I think I told you I spent most of my time feeling angry and abandoned by God. Not so much anymore, but now that I'm at Hogwarts and have seen beings like Illyria and the Greek gods and other semi-divine types I don't know what to make of that "thou shalt have no other god before me" thing. If divinity's not an exclusive quality, then a god needs something more for a selling point, I guess. (I voted Gryffindor on the lizard. He seems to be territorial and includes Hogwarts in the territory he protects. Don't think I want to know from what.)

Dates please, on the full moon, your return, and your birthday? I need to start thinking about a present, since you've been so very generous. Oh. I thought - well, I'm glad I was wrong. I liked having you all to myself guilt-free for a night. And you seemed to sleep well too as I recall?

Love,
Laura

[dinosaurman.livejournal.com]

Laura,

Thanks, I think. I see.

I can't think of anyone who meets that description, or at least will admit to it. How long do you have to make up your mind? On a side note, have you talked to any of the other people who have died before coming to Hogwarts? Maybe they can help you.

I've met a few of the gods here, but none of them are what God is to me. I don't see God as a person or a defined being, but more of the force of good and grace that works in the world. (I don't think I want to know, either.)

The full moon is on the 7th, and I should be back by the 10th or 11th. The plane ride itself is 14 hours long, so it might take me two days just to get back. My birthday is on the 14th, but please don't do anything. Guilt free? And yes, I did sleep well.

Alan

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

Alan,

Aornis hasn't been Sorted yet, so I'm sure I've got at least as long as it takes for the Hat to place her and for her to get settled. I don't think she'll push for a commitment, given how blase she was when I asked for the raincheck.

I haven't really talked with any of the other post-deads about post-death trauma, because none of the ones I've met seemed to fit. The ones whose deaths most nearly parallel mine are the Yubari sisters, but they don't seem fazed by the violence of their deaths in the slightest. I might have liked to talk to Lilly Kane about this, but she's popcorn. I wonder if she and Logan are aware of each other as popcorn. That would be good. He needs her, I think.

The force of good and grace that works in the world? I like that idea. I felt pretty divorced from it, growing up, but I saw it more in terms of the good in people than a force - Donna most especially, but also the Log Lady, Norma and Ed and Sheriff Truman and a few others around me, and later on, James. (Really it always should've been James and Donna. I knew that, but he wanted me and I was selfish.) I've been able to find a little more of that kind of goodness in myself since I came back, probably because I don't have BOB poisoning my spirit anymore.

You're kidding me, right? You give me two gifts and I'm supposed to let your birthday pass without a word? At least let me buy you dinner in Hogsmeade. Maybe guilt's the wrong word. Awkwardness-free? I could touch you without it seeming like Never mind. Forget I brought it up.

Love,
Laura

[dinosaurman.livejournal.com]

Laura,

Please sleep on it. If only for my sake, because I'm worried about you rushing in too fast.

Interesting. Wait, sisters? I thought there was only one. I would imagine that popcorn would be pretty inert. I'm sorry, but the metaphysics of popcorn just makes my head hurt.

Well, I think it acts through people. You've mentioned the Log Lady, I Donna sounds familiar, but I don't think I've heard of the other people. Some of us have been able to find more than a little goodness in you.

Yes, you are. Dinner is fine, but that's it.

Alan

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

Alan,

I promise I'm not rushing into anything. I want to know a lot more details before I agree to it, for one thing.

My God, how could I not have told you about the Yubari sisters? Gogo has a younger sister, Yuki, who is also an assassin or bodyguard or whatever Gogo was. She died trying to avenge Gogo's death and went straight from there to the Sorting Room. She was voted pretty unanimously into Hufflepuff and she and Gogo are both over the moon to be together again. It's fun to watch, and they seem to keep each other steady.

Donna was my best friend, since we were like two years old. We grew apart some after my life took the turn it did, but I always loved her like a sister. James I know I've told you about - he's the boy who fell in love with me even though he recognized I was damaged goods, more than anyone else saw. Helped a lot, loving him, even though I knew I shouldn't have dragged him into my mess. Ed's his uncle, and a good man - James learned most of what he knew about being a good man from Ed. Norma's the lady who taught me to bake a pie. Sheriff Truman is, well, just a stand-up guy. That's now. You didn't know me back then. I always seemed to hurt people, even when I meant to do good.

Dinner it is then. Looking forward to it. Birthday cake?

Love,
Laura

[dinosaurman.livejournal.com]

Laura,

Good.

As glad as I am to hear that they are balancing each other out, the thought of a pair of assassins or bodyguards unnerves me. Especially sisters.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, until you've met her sister.

I'm looking forward to it, too. A cake's not necessary.

Alan