Owl from Agent Cooper to the Sorting Hat

[damnfinecupof.livejournal.com]

Agent Cooper knows from his investigation into Sortings that you can't go wrong by flattering the Sorting Hat. He's also gleaned an inkling of what the Hat likes. Therefore he eschews his normal brisk memo format, and pulls out all the stops.

Most esteemed Sorting Hat:

A colleague and I are conducting an investigation into the nature of your puissant institution, Hogwarts School. We think the results will greatly enhance the school's international reputation. Incidentally, that would increase the number of applicants who are wealthy and prone to cause drama. There is no one better placed in the Hogwarts community to assist with this investigation than you, since every applicant to the school must converse with you during the Sorting process. Would you consider lending your formidable skill and charm to this endeavor?

Respectfully,
Special Agent Dale Cooper
Ravenclaw

Comments

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Dear Agent Cooper,

I do like to have a hand in every thing that goes on around here, and thus would be delighted to assist you and your colleague with your investigation, especially since you are so discerning and have such good judgement. More wealth would be wonderful. The drama I could do without for a few days, at least with regard to sortings. Drama for the members, and not me, would be welcomed. In what way may I provide assistance?

Sincerely,
The Sorting Hat

[damnfinecupof.livejournal.com]

Most esteemed Sorting Hat:

We had in mind a sort of interview with new entrants to the school, and since you always interview the applicants in the course of a Sorting, we wondered whether you might be able to throw in a few of our questions when you talk to them. Here is the data we need:

• 1. Did you apply to Hogwarts of your own volition, or were you directed to do so by some other entity, or did you find yourself answering questions, but not know why they were being asked?
  
  
• 2. Was your application written or oral?
  
  
• 3. Where were you when you filled out your application? (That one'll have to be a fill-in-the-blank type of question.)
  
  
• 4. Was anyone else present when you filled out your application?
  
  
• 5. Did anything you would consider unusual or out-of-the ordinary happen before, during, or immediately after you filled out your application?
  
  
• 6. Did you find yourself in a Sorting Room immediately before, during, or immediately after filling out your application?
  
  
• 7. Are you now, or have you ever been, dead?
  

We would be immensely grateful for your help in gathering this data. Of course, you'll be the first to know of any results our investigation may yield.

Respectfully,
Special Agent Dale Cooper
Ravenclaw

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Dear Agent Cooper,

What very interesting questions you have. Not as interesting as my own, of course, but interesting nonetheless. I have no objection to asking new applicants these questions, however, it seems we would obtain more results if we were to ask the previously sorted population, which currently numbers in excess of 430. with your permission, I would like to send the questionnaire out to the school in general. Of course I will know the results! I'll be gathering the information, won't I? *hrmph* I might even find my own uses for it.

Sincerely,
The Sorting Hat