hh_mirror

Knock knock... Dib opens the door and peeks around the edge. "Hello?"

Who the hell is bothering me n... oh. Still holding one of the knives he's been throwing at the wall, Nny turns, his attempt at a smile looking far more like a grimace. "Hey."

"Hey to you too." He walks in the rest of the way, looking a little self-conscious. As someone might with thick bands of off-white gauze around their neck and wrist. "Look, the other day... I got mad. I shouldn't have walked."

"I..." It was hard to remember things like that at the moment. "I'm not easy to talk to when I'm angry."

This makes Dib grin faintly, crookedly. "You're not easy to talk to when you're NOT, sometimes." He sits at the edge of the desk and pulls his elongated legs up underneath him. "... Things don't make a lot of sense right now."

Thock of the knife in his hand being hurled into the wall. "Do things ever make sense? Are they supposed to, really?"

"I don't know, Nny," Dib admits. "I... wish they did. More than they do."

"They DON'T." He hurls another knife at the wall. "Things don't, and people don't, and they all think it's FUN to push people around and go after their weakest places..."

"... What happened?"

"What always happens. People... I hate people." Another knife to the wall. "And it all piles up and there's nowhere for it to GO..."

"There are people you don't hate though. Is this a Teatime thing, or something else?" He cocks his head. It's nice to be distracted from his own confusion with someone else's, for the moment.

"It... fuck. He's part of it, I suppose."

"But he's not the reason you're flinging knives at the wall right now."

"No. Fuck. Not really. I... fucking Eros..." The knife he hurled at the wall buried itself nearly to the hilt.

"Eros." Dib repeats thoughtfully. "You mean, the Greek god of love Eros?"

"Yeah. THAT asshole."

Dib's eyes widen. "Wait, has he been MANIPULATING you? Your feelings? Is that why... uhm." He doesn't say it, but it lingers unspoken. Is that why you fell for Teatime?

"Oh, God. No. That's not because of him. He thinks Teatime should be with that fucking Sto Harlot bitch and made sure to announce it to the whole school, not that he didn't take a swipe at me for supposedly 'cheating' on Teatime with Gogo... shit, we were both drugged at the time, and I told Teatime about it right away!... but what he said about Devi..."

Dib's already pale face blanches whiter. "... What did he say?" he asks softly, barely noticing that hsi hands are tightening.

"He said I didn't appreciate her. After I tried so hard to... to not... shit."

"Uhm. Well. That's pretty rotten behavior. But he's wrong, so... why do you care? You don't care what anybody thinks, so why start now?" The words don't come out as unkind.

"You don't... damn it, you don't know about all of that... it's all so fucked up, and what he SAID..."

"What he SAID," Dib replies quietly, "Are just words. Words have no power unless you give them power. That's a magical truth and sort of a real world truth too. The only reason words ever upset us is because we let them, or because we're afraid there might be truth in it."

"If you knew about... God. And it's not just talk. He can make Susan and Teatime want to be together. Make him not want me."

"I don't know about that. I think you'd NOTICE if a giant golden arrow came flying at Teatime's head. I don't think he can just wiggle his fingers and POOF make it so."

"He did it on Valentine's Day."

"That would probably be the only day of the year he'd have enough power to do something like that." Dib is thoughtful. "A day consecrated to a god is always kinda dangerous like that. They're always stronger on their holy days."

"I don't know. He got me during his sorting."

"Hmm. Unfortunately," Dib nods, "The Greek pantheon's particularly annoying. It's like a bad soap opera in heaven. If Zeus were present, you could appeal, make a sacrifice... Or you could appeal to Aphrodiite, his mother."

"I just want... I want to DESTROY him."

"The best way the stories say to deal with the Greek gods is basically to either run away really fast or get them to turn on each other, which isn't all that hard to do, since they're all pretty backstabby."

"Well, I don't think Aphrodite or Psyche would. I don't know about Hermes or Ares. But they're all such assholes..."

"You know the story about the judgement of Paris, don't you? Goddesses are PARTICULARLY vain and receptive to flattery."

"I'm not especially good at flattery."

"It's really too bad Zeus isn't here. If I'm remembering, he's gotten righteously annoyed with Eros in the past for making him assume all these animal shapes and carry off women and such, invoking the displeasure of Hera. He'd be your best bet... failing that... hmmm."

"There has to be... I have to DO something..."

"I can do some research for you. Uhm, I Mean... y'know. If you want."

"I..." Nny leans against the table, head in his hands. "Thank you. I could use some help."

"I'll try my best. He's a lesser god, so the stories... there isn't much to go on."

"Professor Crowley said there are books that could help."

"I'm sure." Dib touches his glasses. "In this place, there's probably a book for everything that there isn't a spell for. Uhm, the only other protection I could see... and you probably won't like this, but I'll suggest it anyway..."

"I just..." Nny folds in on himself. "It's so much easier just hating EVERYBODY."

"Use his power against him. Love potions... I mean, if you think it's possible that he might..."

"You think I should dose Eros with love potions?"

"No, I mean... for Teatime."

"I... no, dammit. That wouldn't be him wanting me, that'd be him wanting some fucking DRUG."

Dib winces at the mention of 'drug'. He nods quickly. "You just... you're really worried that he'll just drop you."

"I just... he and I look at a lot of things differently. Most of the time it's a good thing. We can discuss things, and use both our viewpoints. But it means I don't always get what he's thinking, either."

"... You don't think he really loves you," Dib whispers. "That's what this is about, isn't it?"

"I... fuck. I'm not even sure if 'love' is the right word for how I feel about him. And we had this talk, after Valentine's Day... he said he wasn't sure if he could love. I'm not even sure if he'd recognize it. I envy him."

"Nny, listen. I know this is all confusing but the reason this is GETTING to you is because you don't know how you feel about... about a bunch of people. If you knew, for certain, in your heart, 100%, nothing would shake you. I think... well, you get on me, say I don't know what I want. But I think that's your problem too."

"I'm better at knowing what I don't want. But that always happens anyway."

"I think.. you really need to... to get a handle on that. I mean, only you know what goes on in your head, but..."

"Fuck, I tried..." Nny takes a deep breath and continues in a shaky whisper. "Tried so hard. Didn't want to hurt her. Didn't want her to be like me..."

"You mean Devi." Dib leans closer to catch Nny's barely-there voice. "What happened with Devi?"

"I tried to keep my word, to stay away from her, but she... she'd talk to me, and how could I turn away? But whenever I spend time with her, it makes her that much more like me..."

"And if you don't, then it hurts YOU to stay away." Dib lets out a low breath. "Is that it?"

"Yes." He closes his eyes. "And when I'm with Teatime, it's okay, because it lets me know that I can care about someone I won't... that I don't have to worry about corrupting. But when he's... I get so angry and can't even make myself care if..."

"...When he's what, Nny? Ignoring you? But you just said he doesn't know what love is and might not be capable of it. If that's the case... then you ... well. You can't expect to HOLD ON, y'know? He'll slide away without even realizing what he's doing to you."

"When he's... off with her... I'm too angry to stop myself from... God."

"Okay, Nny. Seriously. Think about this a second. If he's off with her there's nothing that says he has any... well, STRONGER feelings about her than he does with you. It's sort of twisted, but maybe you could take some comfort out of that? Genuine sociopaths don't run hot for one person and cold for everyone else."

"That's not what I mean!!!" His voice raises to a frustrated scream and he hurls another knife at the wall. "What Eros said about Devi. That I should spend more time with Devi. If it weren't for me, she wouldn't... FUCK!!!"

He shuts his eyes for a moment and opens them again with a sigh when the knife goes -thunk!' in the mortar between the stones. "You don't know that."

"You don't... you didn't see, how every time we talked, she'd get a little more like me, a little deeper in, and I tried, tried so hard not to. To influence her. But I was so angry..."

Dib shakes his head. "You're taking responsibility for things that AREN'T YOURS. Loving somebody doesn't make them CRAZY, okay? She couldn't promise me she would never be interested in going that way... and that was something she said to ME, while YOU were talking to someone else. You say *I* have a complex. Well, you're trying to flog yourself for someone else's decisions, and that's STUPID. You won't let me sit around feeling sorry for myself and I'm not buying it from you either. if that's the ONE thing we have in common out of nothing else."

"You don't... you don't know..." He puts his hands over his face and groans.

Inhale. "What don't I know?" You don't know I asked her out, either. Or that she said she might consider it...

"Shit. I... it's not mine to tell, damn it."

Dib rubs his forehead wearily. "Well, whatever it is you can't tell me... Devi's got a strong mind and she'll make whatever choices she wants. I don't think anyone can TELL her ANYTHING or make her do something she doesn't want to. " He leans a hand on the surface of the desk and sighs. "Ever read "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden"? There's a line in there, "Your sickness is a drop in my ocean." Whatever it is... I'm willing to bet that's the same with Devi."

The quote makes Nny flinch; how much has Devi told him? "You don't think," he says quietly, "that I might, concievably, be a bad influence?"

"Not to her." He doesn't say 'and not to me', because if he's viciously honest with himself, why did he let things go that far with Primavera if he wasn't still stinging from coming off their fight and needing to prove that he was 'good'?

"And I thought you were smart." He curls a hand in his hair, tightening it into a fist.

"oh, COME ON!" Dib shouts. "People DO make decisions that have nothing to do with you, all the time. Do you REALLY have an opinion like that of her that says that she can't think for herself?"

"If *I* went out and stabbed somebody to death tomorrow, would you blame yourself for that, too?"

"If I'd invited you along, come up with a plan, and stuck around in case you needed backup I fucking would."

He's not stupid. He can read between the lines of that, and follow where Nny's thought goes... and he doesn't like it, no -sir-, but what's done is done. With an effort, he says, "Still. not. buying it. You invite me along and I come, then it's MY CHOICE. Not yours. Not because you 'tempted' me. Because I wanted to."

"Every conversation. Blurring the lines a little more. I could see it. See talking to me make it easier to think about... doing certain things. And I tried to back off, but.... AND THEN HE SAID I SHOULD HAVE BEEN SPENDING MORE TIME WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Because he's the stupid God of Love and you -love- her, and -that's- what he's probably seeing with his 'immortal sight', not the crazy or the killing."

"Not that he thinks anyone should love me."

"Uhm, hold it. If he thinks you should be spending more time with Devi, who you LOVE, doesn't that kinda say he thinks Devi should love you?"

"Yeah, real fucking NICE to know he thinks Devi should be a miserable violent lunatic. That's really what you wish on your loved ones." He laughs cynically.

"Well, right now, she's got, what, miserable LONELINESS? Being shunned by the person that she DOES have feelings for for reasons she doesn't understand, while you try desperately to be the noble protector that shuns her and doesn't bother to explain WHY?"

"That's just it... I can't shun her, I could never turn away if she wanted to talk to me... but that didn't mean I had to keep owling her. Inviting her places."

Sighs. "People do unwise, unhealthy, unreasonable things sometimes when they -care-."

"You don't have to tell me that." A demented giggle. "But being told I'm not sufficiently unwise, unhealthy, and unreasonable... that I haven't damaged her enough..."

"I think you do her more damage by being dishonest." Dib unfurls his long legs and hops off the desk. "I think you'd do her a LOT less damage by protecting her less. You're hiding more than just blood stains. I can't -condone- what EITHER of you, geez, most of your friends for that matter, might be doing in your idea of playtime, but she's rotting alone in the dark right now, she's NOT seeing the full truth of you for good AND bad. And if she and you need to do this murderous thing in order to be together, but it makes her and you HAPPY and you can HELP HER, then nobody has a right to say anything else about it."

"I don't! I don't lie to her. I told her. That I didn't want to be a bad influence. But that I'd always talk to her, always be there if she wanted me to..."

"Then BE THAT. Without question. Without any doubt. And stop beating the crap out of yourself over things you can't change. "

"I just... I was trying not to let it get on top of me and then Eros said I didn't appreciate her."

"Underestimate, maybe, but I wouldn't say you don't appreciate her."

"Underestimate? God, no. She's strong. That's the whole thing."

"Yeah, she is." Dib almost looks wistful. "Maybe even strong enough to be okay with being loved." He moves toward the heavy door. "I have to get going... Rigel's probably eaten my tribble by now and Primavera might need me. I think..." He puts his hand on the handle. "Devi needs a way out of the dark. I don't know that it matters so much HOW as long as it happens one way or another. But that's me, and maybe I don't really know anything."

Laughing bitterly, Nny rubs his forehead. "You think I'm like this because mommie didn't love me enough? You think that's what's happening to Devi? God, if only it was that fucking easy." The first part of Dib's comment sinks in belatedly. "Wait, what about Primavera?"

He momentarily looks alarmed, then shakes his head. "... Nothing. And just... look, is it even REMOTELY possible that Devi's trying to find a way, some way, ANY WAY to be with you and this is the only way you've LET her?"

"I'd never turn her away," he whispers. "I... God. There's no way she can't know that."

An inward exhale; he knew that would throw Nny off. He feels weirdly compelled to keep Primavera's biting as much of a secret as he can... it would probably be stopped if anyone knew about it and he... isn't sure that he wants it to stop... "Maybe you need to -tell- her that, because it sure seems like she doesn't know it right now."

"She... fuck. She needs to be with someone who can... balance things. Someone who knows how to be happy."

"I -really- gotta go, Nny. Just... -ask- her."

"I... I don't know."

"Ask her anyway," he says with a sad smile, and then leaves, because he can feel his hands starting to shake.