Complications and explainations ((Closed RP, Mello, Near))

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

It’s usually in my nature to get bored of those things I can have easily. I crave challenge, and yet, most things come to me easily. This is the source of most of my risk taking behaviors, if I were to actually tell anyone the truth behind them. But, no one really asks me why I did something, nor do they want the truth if they do ask. They prefer the cocky answer of “Because I could,” to “Because I was bored and needed something challenging.” It’s a safer answer for them.

And, I didn’t really know the answer until recently. The flippant answer was as far as I ever thought about it. Why should I examine myself deeper if no one else bothered to? It’s a waste of time. If I don’t really need to know the answer, why bother finding it? It’s not like I had that time to waste, either.

But, recently, the question of what I’d really like to do, who I really want to be, have come up. I have the time to be who and what I want. Who is that person, though? Who am I becoming? Who do I want to become?

I am learning things about myself here, some of them I like, some of them I’m not sure about. The thing that remains constant, though, is that I need him.

Not only does Near define who I was, he is a part of who I want to be. He is patient and willing to wait while I struggle with finding myself. He is the dynamic constant that allows me to explore, allows me to struggle within myself to find a balance that accommodates this place and myself. He is my touchstone, my reality check, my balance, my partner.

Which means I need to tell him about this stupid shit with old man Yagami. I’d rather not, though. I don’t want to deal with Yagami. But, the bastard has made me into his fucking therapist. He wants me to dominate him, fine I will. I’ll fucking tell him to stand naked in the snow, if that’s what it takes, but I don’t want to see it. I’d rather not ever be in the same room with him ever again. Maybe I should make him put on a wig and go find Beowulf just for the hell of it. How dare he impose on me and then go and guilt me by saying he ‘trusts’ me!

I need to talk to Near about it. I need to think of something. Maybe talking to Near will help me clarify what I can do. I know he’s not going to like it, though. To him, like old man Yagami, unfortunately, dominance is closely tied to sexuality. To me, they’re very different. With Near, I can see how this was my doing and now I have to try and untangle the two for him so that I can figure out what my options are.

This is not going to be a fun conversation. I tap on the door and let myself into our room. “Hey, Near. I need to talk to you.”